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The thought of your partner being attracted to someone else!

UserPost

5:15 pm
January 3, 2006


balancesekr

New Member

posts -1

how do you get rid of the excessive worrying of being in a relationship and the person cheating on you?

Or even, just dealing with a situation where you know the person you are with is attracted to someone else, but doesn't act on it?

Yes, having a great self-esteem would be great.. but, still, I always obsess about this!

Look at even the most beautiful (according to Hollywood) women, even they get cheated on and left.

Help please!

5:16 pm
January 3, 2006


balancesekr

New Member

posts -1

additional info,

this isn't happening in my life, I just always get scared about it.

5:22 pm
January 3, 2006


CAMER

Member

posts 100

i guess Balance, being attracted to someone is OK, as long as that's as far as it goes "attraction" and not into deceit.

Think about yourself, if you are attracted to someone else, and leave it at that.

I think when the mind starts to wander and a person gets obsessed with the attraction or thinks too sexually about and attraction, then things get out of context.

I know how you feel though, i think i may be a lil' jealous if i knew my bf was attracted to someone else, and yes, that's the insecurity in me and not having enough self esteem.

But as you said, look at Hollywood, plenty of gorgeous people out there, movie stars etc, and yes, they get cheated on too.

5:40 pm
January 3, 2006


glittered when he walked

New Member

posts -1

My wife has cheated on me, but I don't obsess about it. How do i I deal with it? #1 i can only control myself, no one else and certainly not her. You know..the serenity prayer..accept those things that we cannot control…control those things we can…wisdom to know the difference

#2. Being attracted to someone else is OK in my opinion. It's going to happen. What we don't want is our spouses/lovers to act on that attarction and thus hurt us. But that too is beyond our control. So, we have faith and if it turns out that our faith was misplaced it won't kill us or lessen us in anyway. it'll hurt for sure, but that's it. Sure it will hurt emotionally. How we let that hurt affect our behaviors we can control.

What I've learned about the emotional hurt is that it's nothing to strive for, but it's nothing to dread or run away from either. It's like a cavity…if you get one, you get it filled..you move on.

Life is what we make it. It sounds like you no longer want to live in that life of fear and insecurity. That's good, that's the first step.

Have you considered why others might not obsess about their mates being attracted to another?

Do you see a therapist of any sort?

5:47 pm
January 3, 2006


mamabear

New Member

posts -1

I think it comes with time and trust in the person and the relationship.

In the beginning, I worried about it and it bothered me too, but now, it is not even a thought in my mind. You see, that I know my husband loves me with all his heart and he and I have had many heart to heart conversations about how much we mean to each other and that some meaningless sex and or an orgasm is not worth risking the life we share.

I love myself enough to know that if he did cheat on me, that would be on him, not a reflection of me. I would be able to make it without him, I would go on. It would devastate me for a while, that is for sure, but I can get through anything if I have to.

Also, we have a great sex life and are very open and honest with one another. If you have a filling five star restaurant quality meal at home, you don't need to go to a diner after the meal is over, you know? Keep up the satisfaction level and remain open to the other persons needs and desires and there is not a reason to stray.

It is normal for people to be attracted to other people. That is a fact of life. I am attracted to say, Keanu Reeves. Even I have had mini crushes on men I know, but a thought is simply that. I believe that you shouldn't dwell on thoughts that are not conducive to your happiness. I honestly don't fantasize about other men, as I feel that would be detrimental to my relationship. If I see a hot guy, I don't feel like I need to have a full blown fantasy about him. It is like looking at a lovely piece of modern art, and thinking wow, that is beautiful, but it doesn't match the french country theme in my home. You can appreciate it without wanting to ruin what you have going on for you.

My husband does not openly stare at other women, but if he notices someone and I notice him noticing, I don't flip out. I can look at that woman and think, "wow, she IS gorgeous" without feeling threatened in any way. We are so comfortable with one another, and trust one another so much that we don't worry about our partner cheating.

At the same time, you cannot take your partner for granted. You have to appreciate them and realize that nothing in life is certain, there may not be another tomorrow. It is a fine line, that you have to learn how to walk.

Also, I do not EVER withhold sex from my husband because I am mad. I don't do what most women do and say, not tonight dear. Or get mad and say no way are you getting any so don't even try. I don't think that is right. Sex is not a weapon, it is a lovely way to express your love in the confines of a safe relationship. My husband knows that if he is feeling horny, he will always find satisfaction in my arms if at all possible. He has no reason to look outside of our relationship.

Trust and respect are the basis of a couple's healthy sex life IMHO.

5:55 pm
January 3, 2006


Guest

posts

Hej Balance,

Here's just another approach: yes, it can sometimes be painful when I'm aware of his eyes admiring another woman, but he IS with me! No amount of energy spent in making myself crazy over WHAT he's thinking or WHAT he might do about it is going to stop him from acting on an impulse. I can't control that.

I CAN control my own reactions. I can admire that woman right along with him (he knows I saw him and he might be a little more considerate or discreet about it next time)!

I can recognize that IT IS POSSIBLE that our marriage is not iron-clad and I should never take it for granted.

I can ask him straight up if he's wanting out of our relationship so he can pursue someone else, because I FEEL disrespected when he behaves in such and such a way. I don't think this is about your low self-esteem if you have some gut-level feeling that he's flirting with someone else.

Somewhere in here you get to acknowledge how much commitment you KNOW you have and how much your own ability to survive on your own is intact, no matter what.

Questioning, accusing, pouting, whining — those are the behaviors that help kill a relationship. It's only healthy when you know it's truthful.

6:03 pm
January 3, 2006


gettingthere

New Member

posts -1

hi balancesekr,finally ive caught up with you,i left a thread for you before christmas but i dont think you were here,about john bradshaw
Anyway you know i often get that thought what if he cheated on me or found someone else attractive,and you mentioned about even the most beautiful get cheated on but if there partner has left them for someone else the way i see it is that it most go deeper ive done a lot of reading about affairs over the past few years and it has nothing to do with beauty trust me,my ex husband cheated on me and i really dont mean to sound up my own backside but i saw her,this is why i have done loads of reading on this as it affected me really badly,
But the answer is it has a lot to do with deep underlaying issues in a relationship,people tend to mistake being cheated on for the root of the problem in fact being cheated on is more lke a symptom rather than a cause of relationship problems.i guess what im trying to say to you dont ever feel that its about your looks or that your not good enough cause you are ,if a man feels the need to cheat then it is more about him,i also beileve very strongly in communication and how we say and ask for things that keeps a relationship more healthy,i hope this helps a little for you balancesekr,oh yes by the way i think i kept spelling your nickname wrong sorry for that…………gettingthere

6:17 pm
January 3, 2006


Lostrose

New Member

posts -1

balancesekr I have been asking myself the same question you asked. I have been cheated on in every relationship, except for the last one I'm not sure, but I wondered. I've been wanting to ask him about one woman inpeticular, but I realized what I don't know won't hurt me. I'm trying very hard to get over my jealousy issues & from the comments of other's it will help me.

7:06 pm
January 3, 2006


bonni

New Member

posts -1

Hi Balancesekr,
You raise an interesting question. I keep finding myself attracted to other people. Sometimes celebrities, sometimes local people. DH knows that whatever gets me excited gets him sex. And whatever gets him sex is a really good thing to him. He makes it so I can talk about it. i'm like "id like to have sex with Antonio Banderas" and he says "you want to have sex?" and he gives me that little look and you know the rest. he made sure i had a copy of desperado, hoping for action. that's us though and where we are.

I know he enjoys looking at other women. I don't know how I'd feel if he were as open as I am, but I've learned to incorporate some soft porn and make other adjustments to enhance his experience. I love making him happy. You can be sure that as hot as Antonio is, he doesn't know all my happy places.

I think it might help to think about why this bothers you. Are you worried about your partner being attracted to someone else or about your partner leaving you or thinking you don't compare favorably to the other object of attraction?

I remember one time, dh came home for the birth of our first child and i was like 50lbs bigger than when he left (deployed) and he didn't want to have sex with me and I thought he had had an affair. turns out it was a sinus infection. what hurt me was not the affair, but that he didn't want ME anymore. So, I may be attracted to others, but I work to make sure dh KNOWS I find him sexier.

8:49 pm
January 3, 2006


kasie919

New Member

posts -1

Balancerseeker:

Ive read through this thread and you have gotten alot of advice, I fell what you do all the time, and i have been cheated on every time ive been with someone,

At one point I couldnt figure out what was wrong with me and why would these guys do it..,

What was intersting is a conversation I just had with my ex who married my best friend.. His thing was he always thought about the other woman, the one he "couldnt have"" that was exciting to him, he knew it was wrong and he just had to have her,.
well now he's married to her and not liking it at all..
as they say "the grass isnt always greener"

but now i am obssessed and jealous all the time, not so much with my stbx. he has cheated as well, but before all the nonsense ..

if i ever decide to date again and see someone i will definatley have to learn how to put all those feelings away and trust …

Thats a hard thing to do after you have been burned so very many times..

Best of luck Kasie

9:35 am
January 4, 2006


balancesekr

New Member

posts -1

Thanks everyone for responding.

Hi CAMER: I know what you mean about me being attracted to someone else. Sometimes I am, and I think gee, do I really like this person, and do I like the person I am with enough?
This is what makes it scary, the thought of my partner feeling the same stuff. What keeps it together then? Especially when the other person is great? I get scared because in a relationship you are wide open, the person knows you and here comes this dynamo, who he doesn't know, and all they can do is wonder? No, they will kick themselves for being stuck with whoever they are with?

Know what I mean?

Hi Glittered, Yes, I have thought about it, and my conclusion is that they are just so secure and really love each other. Or, they just are so able to be themselves and they just happened to find someone who really loves them. They are #1 to the other person. I don't see a therapist right now, but I am looking for one within my insurance plan.
I like your attitude about moving on, I just really struggle with this one. I just get scared to be with someone and they wind up being really attracted to someone else and just stuck with me.

Mamabear, yes, it is a reflection of the other person if they cheat, I am doing my darndest to think that way and not put it on myself. I guess it is normal to always want to be the most beautiful, attractive, funniest, all those things to your partner.
I just seem to throw the relationship away at the first thought of my partner talking to someone else or thinking they are beautiful. I don't do this outright, but I think it in my head.
I had a dream about my boyfriend, he was talking to his ex girlfriend on the phone, in the dream I got really mad and just pushed him away, go talk to her, you know you like her…. blah blah blah.

Brynnie, i hear you on how useless obsessing and worrying is. That is something I have realized in my life BIG TIME lately with regards to many situations. This stuff is so hard. Sometimes I wonder if people who came from healthy families obsess and worry and wonder about all this crap.
This is another way I hurt myself, I think, some other woman wouldn't worry and would just be so secure.

gettingthere, sorry I didn't read your other post, my computer at home is having issues, so I can only get on at work.
I appreciate what you are saying and it does help. A symptom, that is a great word for it. I guess the hurdle I need to get over, is being able to sit there with a whole group of people, attractive women included and my boyfriend and be able to believe that he is sitting there happy to be next to me and isn't thinking about jumping on one of them.

Lostrose: I am sorry to hear you have been cheated on. There is some great information on this post, I hope it helps you too.

Bonni, I think you nailed it with this:
"thinking you don't compare favorably to the other object of attraction"
Yes, that is it, right away I throw myself in the garbage and think the other person is so much better, different… This all may stem from my parents bad marriage. I feel they are together out of dependency, rather than love, they are stuck with each other, hence, my fear.

Hi Kasie, Yes, there is some great advice here. I have been through the grass not being greener. I know it isn't and I have learned to not cheat. My current boyfriend is younger and hasn't experienced anything like what I did. So, I worry that when he gets a little older he will feel differently and not want to be with me.

11:15 am
January 4, 2006


gettingthere

New Member

posts -1

balancesekr.i know this is gonna sound cliche but i do beleive the more healthy we become the more we like ourselves the fears we have seem to fade away into the background,you seem a lovely person,and why on earth would your partner be attracted to anyone else,i also read that men find us more attractive when we are not botherd about the fact that there may be some one whom is attractive in the room apparently they find that really unattractinve if we are acting as if we feel threatend,
i hope you also find this helpful ………….gettingthere

3:04 pm
January 4, 2006


kasie919

New Member

posts -1

balance:

Age is only numnbers, please dont loose yourself to that guilt, my ex was 5 years younger than i was, he cheated and cheated, my 1st husband was 8 years older, he cheated and cheated, and my stbx is 5 years older, he cheats as well, so you see where im going with this..

you are a good person and you will not allow the guilt trip to discourage you from your love and feelings..

Insecurity comes with reason, dont give yourself any..
i am sure you will pull through this and have an even stronger bond..
My heart goes out to you as I do know what your feeling and what your trying to say, but please dont swell on it, he will catch on and it may hurt him.
All prayers to you..
Kasie


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