You must be logged in to post Login Register


Register? | Lost Your Password?

Search Forums:


 






Wildcard Usage:
*    matches any number of characters
%    matches exactly one character

The life of a wife of a porn addict

UserPost

1:55 pm
August 3, 2008


Wifeypoo

New Member

posts -1

Hello – I have been with my husband for 30 years (high school sweethearts) and I have been struggling with his porn addiction and attraction to other woman for… honestly? Almost 30 years… and here's the real kicker: I still truly love… only when he acts like the kind-hearted man he is. Unfortunately I am seeing this side of him much less as his addiction gets worse.

I didn't know there was such an addiction until a few months ago… I knew he truly had a problem and thought he was an ass (sorry, can't help but still think this)but thought he was just a womanizer and that he could control his "wondering eyes". I can't begin to tell you how many times he's hurt me… if I had to guess…well into the 1000's. From what I read on the internet, this should not make a difference, but I am a very attractive (and hot and sexy as told to me by so many men)44 year old. I have had countless passes and opportunites from men over the years, and actually did have a nine month affair eight years ago. While I secretly truly love the attention, and crave/need it, I always wish it were my husband saying these things to me and flirting with me. When I try to figure it out, I always go through two stages: hurt, then anger.

As much as I try to talk/cry/scream/throw things, etc etc etc to him, I am such a fool as I know I am wasting my breath… talking to a brick wall comes to mind. In fact, I'll be crying (several times have both silently and uncontrollably) next to him on the bed and not only does he not look at me, he's on his laptop looking at his favorite porn sites… he's looking at "them" instead of me… and I'm his wife and I'm hurting dammit!

The few times I go to counseling porn sites (I forget to) it confirms how truly sad our situation is. I KNOW he still loves me and tries to tell me so, and I also don't think he could not live without me (and wonder if I could live without him), what he has done to me and still does has brought pain so deep that I don't think I'll ever fully recover. It kills me that his eyes are not on me like they should be and I do everything possible to turn his head my way. And the thought of divorcing him would kill me just as much for leaving a man who I love and needs help. And I get so incredibly sad when I think of all the years I have been struggling for his attention and everything I have gone without.

Oops…sorry this is so long. I know we both need counseling (both recently lost our jobs so no insurance and can't currently afford counseling), but don't think I'll ever trust his inner most desires – even after counseling. And although I love him, I YEARN to have a husband who adores me, and loves my body, and goes google-eyed over me when I dress up in sexy lingerie, and who I don't have to cover up my naked body cause I know he's thinking "gross… nothing like the porn girls".

To end this…anyone else (women or men) who has gone through this nightmare or is going through it, could you respond and give me words of courage and wisdom? And are there any free face to face counseling available in the Milwaukee area?

Thanks for reading this, and look forward to any help.

Sincerely, Wifeypoo

3:04 pm
August 3, 2008


Giggles_29

Member

posts 6

(((Wifeypoo))) I had gone through a similar situation with my xbf. I too had tried everything I could to get his attention back on me. His first choice of drug was meth, however he too had started going onto porn sites. I actually caught him red handed sending an email to someone he had met on a dating site. YEP!
Well, I was just so sick of playing the victim and saying, "Why is he doing this to me?" I was allowing and enabling it. So why wouldn't he continue to go about his ways?!

I finally just called it quits. I had had enough of both his drugs and all the crap that went along with it. It was very painful, even though our relationship was extremely toxic. I had been with him since I was 17yrs old. I am now almost 32yrs old with a beautiful daughter!

I can honestly say that I have never been happier with life. I have broken the chains of my codependency with him. I make a conscious effort to apply my steps to ALL relationships in my life. Codependency is a deeply rooted learned behavior. It has taken me 3 yrs to get to where I am today.

I just want you to know that there is hope. You can do it. Yes it will hurt, yes you will have a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute you will be fine, the next you will cry like a baby. However, time is a healer. Just take little steps, don't overwhelm yourself with everything all at once. You have come here to this site so I'd say that's a good place to start.

Have you ever read anything on codependency? I know you say he loves you, but if he truly loved and cared about you, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. He would put you first.

Has he ever gone to counseling?

I guess you just have to ask yourself how much longer you are willing to live the way you are right now.

I wish you the best of luck. Please know that you deserve better and that you deserve to be happy!

Please keep reading and posting here. You can learn so much from ALL these amazing people on this website. @–]—— Giggles :o)

3:37 pm
August 3, 2008


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

When you married, you both took a vow to "forsake all others." Lusting over the naked bodies of other women HARDLY qualifies as "forsaking all others." Marriage requires commitment and fidelity. If he is looking at other womens' naked bodies, he has an adulterous heart and has violated his vows to you.

I would leave him.

He has a lust problem.

- Ma Strong

4:10 pm
August 3, 2008


lonelypdx

New Member

posts -1

I have an admission to make. I have the same problem your husband has. When I was with my girlfriend I never looked at anyone else in real life but I couldn't stop looking at porn to satisfy myself instead of her. I felt ashamed and awful, and I know it made her feel unattractive to me and contributed to our problems. Now she is gone. I don't realistically expect to find someone as freaky as a porn star in my next relationship, or someone who can satisfy my unreal fetishes, so I'm worried that if I don't address it while I can, it will reoccur.

What can I do to bring myself back to reality?

4:12 pm
August 3, 2008


Giggles_29

Member

posts 6

((((lonelypdx)))) Have you ever thought about counseling for it?
I have been on the receiving end of it and it's really not fun. It just cut my self worth down to nothing.

Is it that you just are into the whole fantasy thing?
Why is it that that was more satisfying than your xgf?

4:19 pm
August 3, 2008


needtoheal

New Member

posts -1

Here is a website to check out about porn addiction

http://www.recoverynation.com

In addition, there is a thread on the libs side by Kroika about porn addiction. I am going to try to bump it up so that you both can read…

Very informative…

I have also been in your shoes, Giggles and Wifeypoo…

Even though my relationship with this porn-addicted man is over, there are still affects that I continue to need to address for myself….

~Need

4:29 pm
August 3, 2008


needtoheal

New Member

posts -1

Giggles–

I have realized that the man that I was with did indeed have a sex drive… but his sex drive was for pornography and for masterbation…..

He did live a life in a fantasy world.. porn, talk lines and texting & browsing women on date sites with his cell phone… That was BEFORE he had a computer!

After we broke up (the last and final time this past March), he told me that he cannot maintain an erection even while he masterbates. I never even ask him; he just volunteered to give me this info…

However, it did make me realize that it was NOT me; I was not the cause of him wanting to view and or chat with other women…

And now I do know that it is HIS issue, HIS problem, HIS addiction and HIS choice…. I am no longer involved and that was MY choice.

4:34 pm
August 3, 2008


Giggles_29

Member

posts 6

(((need)))) OH yes I too realized I had nothing to do with it.
It took me a quite a few years but eventually I got it :o)

I too am no longer in my relationship and feel so much better. I do believe that there will be times when there will be after affects, but it's how I chose to react to them that matters. I am confident in myself, and in my recovery that I know what my self worth is. :)

5:17 pm
August 3, 2008


needtoheal

New Member

posts -1

((((( Giggles))))

I agree.. It takes time.. but once removed from the toxic relationship and once I started feeling better being by myself, the more better I started to feel emotionally and physically…. and the more confident I felt in knowing that I am in recovery….

Hugs to you, my friend…

6:17 pm
August 3, 2008


Guest

posts

hi Wifeypoo,

I remember your nickname from awhile ago. My heart goes out to you for suffering 30 years with your h's addiction.

And hi, lonelypdx I haven't seen you here before. I'm sorry that you have this problem, but glad that you recognize it is a problem, for that is the beginning of solving it.

I would like to recommend both of you check out the website that needtoheal mentioned, http://www.RecoveryNation.com
It is the best site that I have found for information and help getting free from sex and porn addiction.

That site has a separate recovery program for addicts and a structured healing workshop for partners. It's not just a lot of venting. You will get real tools to deal with what this compulsion has done to your life, and develop life management skills that will take you in a healthier direction.

You will also be able to read the stories of people working through the programs. Some choose to stay in their relationships, some do not — and Wifeypoo, believe it or not, you will find you are not alone in having lived with this for decades.

This addiction is only beginning to be talked about much in society at large and is not well understood by 'the person on the street', which adds an extra burden of secrecy and shame to an already difficult situation. Best wishes to both of you and anyone else reading this whose life has been disrupted and damaged by your own or a partner's compulsive use of pornography.

sincerely, kroika

7:20 pm
August 3, 2008


Guest

posts

((Wifeypoo))-

Hello. My heart goes out to you. I had a similar problem in one of the most serious relationships I ever had. Granted we weren't

married, but we were together over seven years. He was 10 years older than me, I was in my early twenties, and yes… very pretty

too (so I was told). In fact, it infuriates me that I spent so much time with that man when I could have been meeting others who

treated me better, or simply been alone and not sad about things he did. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say, and everything is easier

said than done though.

He also had a serious drinking problem. Funny, but I didn't take that personally, but the porn thing really got to me. Our sex

life deteriorated. We "separated" twice, and I dated other men, but I still loved him and went back to him, but it never worked.

I think even more because of the porn than the alcohol, he was never "there" in a sense. It made me feel undesireable when I was

young and attractive. Sure, he had great qualities. I miss things about him to this day. But he made a better friend than lover.

After many tirades by me, destroying tapes, magazines, and screaming and crying… things just escalated. I got more and more full

of despair and he grew further and further apart. Eventually he started seeing prostitutes. He was excellent at gaslighting me

and making me feel like I was just being paranoid. Finally I think he actually became besotted by this one escort girl and the

twit would call for him at my house. He set us both up so that instead of allowing me to confront HIM he had her there saying

there was nothing between them and all this. She was write about one thing that night, as she said "Look at him, he's just loving

this, listening to us… it's all about him." Got to give her credit for that one. So true. Later I dumped him, fell inlove with

another train wreck (long story there) but since we lived in the same building (wwe actually lived in each other's apartments) we

saw each other around and made the peace. He got another "normal" (not an escort girl) girlfriend and she and I became friendly.

I called her once, and in a conversation she brought up the name of the escort girl, as if "they" were friends with her. I had an

unpleasant reaction, and she asked me concerned and kindly "Why don't you like her? What happened?" and I was at a loss for

words. I didn't want to tell her I thought her bf once had a thing with this woman- obviously, that was never brought up in their

relationship. So I said, "Ah it was nothing. Chris and I didnt get along and I didn't like that she was around. Just ask him his

side… I can't explain why I hated her. It's better if we don't talk about it." He took the phone and started screaming at me,

his girlfriend started crying and he blamed it on me. From what I hear he makes her cry a lot. So he hasn't changed his ways.

I don't know what to tell you, maybe Coda would help? It's an addiction like any other… addicts all hurt the people around them.

I think it is a problem that is more widespread that anyone could know. It's more invisible to the outside world than alcohol or

drug abuse. Easy to keep secret within a couple. The wife/girlfriend suffers silently.

Please keep posting, there are such great people on this site who can be supportive when you need it most.

be well,
ella

1:45 pm
August 7, 2008


pam g fu

New Member

posts -1

Ladies:

Life is too precious to waste it. Make a decision to be happy. I was also in a relationship where my man was hooked on porn and it made me feel so inadequate. We are not together any more, there are real people who really care and love us without looking at porn to turn them on.

You can do it.

6:47 am
August 8, 2008


CAMER

Member

posts 100

wifeypoo, so glad to see you back and posting, i remember you posted back a few months ago or longer.

I guess i can't give any more advice than above, just know that you don't have to put up with his behavior.

You do have choices, and maybe you are "stuck" or just so used to the way he does things and treats you.

Please take the time for you and find out what you want and need, and if your hubby doesn't make changes on his own, maybe it is time to leave.

(((((sending you huge hugs and support))))

2:12 pm
October 4, 2014


bruiseleigh

Member

posts 4

I so could relate to your story. I'm married to a recovering porn addict and the time I discovered his addiction was the most devastating moment of my life. It's actually a great idea to have him undergo a counseling, if and only if, he's willing to do so. Our support is useless if the decision to change doesn't come from him. If it's hopeless that he undergoes therapy or you don't even see that he tries his best to eliminate it from his routine, then it's about time to consider leaving him.

1:33 am
October 24, 2014


JasonKaven

New Member

posts 2

Sorry to hear about your trouble. General speaking, porn addiction is hard to handle. I have the same trouble with you.:(


About the AllAboutCounseling.com Forum

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
65 Guests

Currently Browsing this Topic:
2 Guests

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 37965
Posts: 717893

Membership:

There are 82995 Members
There have been 41 Guests

There are 3 Admins
There is 1 Moderator

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass – 1097
zarathustra – 562
StronginHim77 – 453
2013ways – 419
curious64 – 408
free – 372

Recent New Members: admin

Administrators: ShiningLight (523 Posts), admin (21 Posts), emily430 (0 Posts)

Moderators: devadmin (0 Posts)


 

Copyright © 2014 Internet Brands, Inc. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Health Disclaimer | Cookies