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Soon to be ex husband cheated and is an alcoholic

UserPost

12:55 pm
August 20, 2007


ihatecandi

New Member

posts -1

First timer here, I'll try to keep it short. My husband has drank since I've known him, from passing out while watching the kids when they were little (now 17 &18) We had the typical sexless marriage because I couldn't stand him since he drank all the time and wouldn't quit so he hid it thinking we didn't know. Three wks ago he asked me for a divorce and then three days later finally admitted to cheating on me for the last 7 mo's -which I think it's been longer. She's an alcoholic too. I absolutely love this man to death, we well, I thought we had rekindled our love and only had 10 mo's till our son graduates high school then we were to enjoy the rest of our lives together. Now this!! I am crushed and it's hard to move on. HELP!! I don't want to let him go because I know he will drink himself to death and he's only 43. What do I do and how do I move on???

1:16 pm
August 20, 2007


atalose

Member

posts 18

Welcome ihatecandi,

Please don't get mad at me for being blunt here because we are here to help YOU. Sometimes the truth does hurt, I have been there and I know what you are going through.

I think your name should read ihatealcoholics. This is not about the other woman, it's about you not being able to control things in your life right now.

With you your husband still drank and without you your husband is going to drink, you cannot control that.

You said you thought you rekindled your love and had the rest of your lives to enjoy together. Was your husband planning on quiting drinking after your son graduated? What magical thing was going to happen after your son graduated that would have changed what your daily life has become with this man?

Have you gone to alanone for yourself? What about some co-dependency meetings in your area?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

1:19 pm
August 20, 2007


nappy

New Member

posts -1

I would like to welcome you to this site ihatecandi. This is a site that to where if you are seeking help, then this might be the place for you.

I can understand that you love your husband. This was the man that you have chosen but after all what you have wrote. I think it is time to see what you want in life.
There is a thing called codependency and it might be something that you may want to look into.
Sometimes we think and feels that our life is taking a turn for the worse but sometimes it is also called a "WAKE UP CALL".
If you can think back on your life with your husband, was it a good life and if it wasn't, you need to ask yourself why did you stay in the relationship so long.
And the one thing that you should also know is that you can't cure an alcoholic. The alcoholic is the one that have to know that enough is enough. You can't control an alcoholic, you can' make a alcoholic do what is right. The only person now that have to take control and that is you. You have to take control of yourself and get yourself together so that your husband want drag you down with him. Because the only way that he is going to see is when he hit rock bottom. You say that he cheated. Well look at what he is cheating with, another alcoholic. My concern would be him giving me something that could effect my health.
I understand that you may be hurt but you shouldn't be so crush that you can't move on with your life when you knew that your husband has been drinking all this time.
You say that you don't want to let him go because you know that he will drink himself to death, well you have been seeing him drinking all of this time and there is nothing really that you can do about it. That is what he is choosing to do, you just need to get your self together. You say that you been in an sexless marriage but now since he told you that he has cheated, you and him has rekindled the love. Fear set in on all of us, it the unknown what may become if we truly learn to let go and learn to take care of yourself.
Nappy!

1:52 pm
August 20, 2007


ihatecandi

New Member

posts -1

Thanks to the replies. I have been reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and it's making alot of sense. I welcome the blunt replies that's what I need. Yes, he has been drinking for years. We had about 3 bad years where we were just roommates. His job transferred him out of state and the kids and I went w/ him. They didn't like it and I didn't like HIM so we moved back so the kids could finish high school w/ their friends and I would move back after that…I thought our relationship had gotten better than it was before, I thought I was the one who made him drink so much because I was miserable to be around…always crabby and yelling. He didn't do anything around the house unless he HAD to, bills didn't get paid, etc. My kids tell me "why are you so upset Mom? You can do better" I wish I could just listen to them. I have contacted a friend whose husband leads the Al Anon groups, so yes, I am seeking help. I AM better than this, it's just hard to get past him w/ someone else if you know what I mean. I can't sleep w/out waking up w/ visions in my head…for the past 3 weeks I haven't slept much. Thank goodness for tylenol pm..lol We didn't really have a "good" life but it was our good life, if that makes any sense. I need to stop making excuses for him and start on ME. Thanks for the replies too. And I will stay on this site…it's great

2:06 pm
August 20, 2007


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

Your kids sound terrific. I, too, had an alcoholic husband for 19 years (until his death four years ago. My two sons had very clear insights and gave very sound advice to me, particularly following his sudden death. I, too, am a recovering codependent. Since being widowed, I have remarried twice, both times to narcissists. That has finally led me to the path of recovery. It is not easy to realize the addicted or personality disordered husband is not the problem. WE are the problem. Because we are codependent, we seek out and remain with these damaged souls. A healthy woman would leave them.

That is how I knew I was finally getting better, thanks to therapy, reading and support from these threads. After foolishly marrying #2 narcissist in January, I left him, soon after he began manifesting abusive behavior. The old "Strong" would have stuck around FOREVER. But this time, I didn't. I am growing. I am healing. I will not settle for abuse, anymore. In fact, I don't even want a relationship now. Maybe not ever, but definitely not now. Right now, I want to focus on my own recovery. Learn to enjoy being alone…happy without a man in my life. This is a FIRST for me. The old me would have panicked (heck, DID panic) at the thought of being without a man. Not anymore.

You are growing much quicker than I did. I really applaud your courage and efforts to understand yourself. The book you are reading on codependency is excellent. Yes…you are doing the work and have begun the journey to a new — and happier — life without the chaos, pain and havoc of living with a dysfunctional man who cannot meet your emotional needs.

It is time for YOU. Don't stop. Keep pressing towards your future. You'll get there.

- Ma Strong

2:12 pm
August 20, 2007


atalose

Member

posts 18

Your life with him became habit, it was what you got comfortable with even if it wasn't happy it was comfortable. I understand that all too well. Im glad you are here and also reading and looking to attend some meetings. It's like a big puzzel all the pieces are there it's just a matter of putting them all together.

You have the best support you can ever ask for, your kids.

It sounds like you and your husband are not living together kind of already seperated. That may make things easier for all.

Instead of thinking another woman is getting all the best(what you once had)from your husband you need to keep reminding yourself that the person you once knew has drowned into a bottle and may never return. What this woman is getting are all the things you don't want from this man. All the things that repulse you about him. All those things that kept you so angry and craby.

Being around someone so negative and lazy that is filled with booze would make anyone crabby and angry enough to yell all the time. Be glad you are free from that, I know you are scared right now but beleive me, this is the begining of the rest of your happy life.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

2:34 pm
August 20, 2007


ihatecandi

New Member

posts -1

WOW, thanks atalose. That reply actually made me cry. I do believe you hit the nail on the head!! Comfortable is exactly it! WOW. She is getting a good man, underneath all the booze he is a great guy, unfortunately she won't know what he's actually like sober..even though she's not sober either. She lets him drink that's why he didn't like being around me because we got angry when he drank…now he doesn't have to hide it…yet. Thanks for the great replies….I feel soooo much more confident in myself in just the last few minutes after reading all these posts it's great! I've already lost almost 20 lbs (needless to say 245 lbs lol)and am already feeling much better about me. You're all right…my kids are my best support and they're very smart. I only wish I could get the to al anon. My daughter is going to live w/ her dad and he already has begun to give her margaritas and offer her beer.. Plus, he was supposed to rent a place w/ her and her boyfriend and now told her that they (her boyfriend and her) should get their own place. WOW, I think the alcohol has finally hit him hard.

5:44 pm
August 20, 2007


lettingo

New Member

posts -1

This is interesting how you can say this man is definetly and alcoholic, you have a sexless marriage, he has been very irresponsible with the kid, has cheated but you can say "I absolutely love this man to death, we well, I thought we had rekindled our love and only had 10 mo's till our son graduates high school then we were to enjoy the rest of our lives together" Could you really live happily ever after with an active alcohoic? You cannot have an intimacy and I'm not talking about sex with an addict. It is imposspible because their only true love/mistress is their drug of choice. I was married to an alcoholic/addict and am not divorced. I think what you are dealing with is what some have already said, and that is just being familiar with a situation. You deserve so much BETTER! I attend Alanon regularity. I HIGHLY recommend it! It was a lifesaver for me.

5:54 pm
August 20, 2007


litterbag814

New Member

posts -1

Um we should get together for coffee. My d/h has also drank sense I've known him. We've been married for 15 years and in those 15 years he's cheated on me twice. Recently his Dad was ill and he died 8/5, these events caused d/h to triple his drinking efforts, so when he was taken to hospital by the police, after smashing a phone in my face, his Blood alcohol level was .28 (.30 = death). Intimacy has been dead for years for me also. He's also a "closet" drinker. Now he's facing assault charges and headed for rehab, and after hating him for the past 2 years, I find myself "loving" him and wanting him back. I am beginnin to see, although it's hard, that our alcoholic husbands are our alcohol and we are the alcoholic if that's makes sense?

6:58 pm
August 20, 2007


lettingo

New Member

posts -1

I meant to say, I am now divorced.

7:02 pm
August 20, 2007


lettingo

New Member

posts -1

litterbag814
You hit the nail on the head by saying they are "our" alcohol. I heard it said, "we chase them while they chase the drink (or drug)". I remember when my husband was locked away in detox or jail once, I couldn't stand being separated from him even though he had made my life hell. They truely are a drug effect to us codependant or co-addicted women. It is good to not have that in my life but I totally understand that sudden feeling of clinging or thinking you need them so much. I think it is just another sign of the disease codependancy.

5:56 am
August 21, 2007


ihatecandi

New Member

posts -1

I know you are all 100% right, and sounds like you've all been where I am right now so I trust your input. It sounds bad after I typed it in and all of you keep saying the same thing: You were going to enjoy the rest of your lives together? I guess I always thought, well hoped that I would be his drug of choice and he would choose me over alcohol but I realize that won't happen. A new twist to his "lovely" being is that our daughter just traveled over 900 miles to come stay w/ him, they had car problems and through tornado warnings and when she talked to him last, about 11pm last night, he told her where the key was to the apt that he would be home in the morning. He couldn't even be there when she showed up!!! She is very upset and told me that she no longer has a Dad! WOW, what a jerk, I wish I would've never had her go down there…….he wasn't around in her life really growing up and now this…Man, I hope one day he will realize what he has just lost!

7:05 am
August 21, 2007


taj64

New Member

posts -1

Hello. I was married to an alcoholic. Your story sounds familiar to mine. We have been divorced for over 12 years now and every now and then he hints around to me to get back with me, as he claims to still love me. Wonder what his live-in girlfriend would say abuot that? I lived through just what you have, there is no intimacy yet you want that dream, the american dream of family life, yet it never really is, not with an alcholic. Dreams do not come true with alcholics. As you see, just as he is talking through the years that he loves me, he doesn't pay his child support and he doesn't help me fix things around the house so that "his family" doesn't have to live with broken things. See, actions speaker louder than any words. And when he talks I know it is just talk.

Im really sorry about this latest incident. My ex does the same thing. This alcholics are selfish, they have issues, they drink to cover up their issues and make things worse. And they make terrible husbands and they make terrible fathers. I hope you continue to get this out of your system. I went through this, and believe me, it does get easier but takes time. No matter if it is bad or good, it is a loss and all losses take time to grieve. You will make it. When you are done your grieving you will realize then that it was never what it was cracked up to be, that it truly was never really going to work. You deserve much better, please know that. What do you do to move on? You take care of yourself from now on and worry about your needs of love and support and caring. Focus on you and less on him. Let him worry abuot his drinking and being selfish. He needs to fix himself and you just need to let it go and let all this pain pass. It will. Eventually you will feel good again and see new light. Give it time. Time is universal healer to all wounds.

7:13 am
August 21, 2007


lalasgirl

New Member

posts -1

hi, (ihatecandi)

yep. i could see i belonged in here.

it is hard to let go. but was he ever really with you on the same level of thinking? or did you go down to his thinking.

i changed me and i went down into my stinking thinking with him. we drank our marriage away…nonsense kind of "in the bar" drinking kind of drunk. alcohol is a hard battle. my heart goes out to you…but the battle to stop has to be your husbands and it sounds like he chooses that alcohol lifestyle right now. i too am codependant…i would like to change that about myself and then i might not be having the problems that i have had over and over again. (IHATECANDY DID I SEE YOU RAISE YOUR HAND?)

i am codependant…you are codependant. and we don't value ourselves; we have created our own side of problems by being ambivalent. i bet you are just as angry too about all of this. i know i got angry. took me awhile but i got angry about the choice the alcoholic was making over me. the BAD choices that I was making in my behalf…..try to work on you right now….that is the message i always hear. take good care of you.

i'm not going to say that you won't think of your husband…i do…but i have to fight the urges to want to smooth over all the crazy insane stuff. i wanted a home and hearth, he wanted the bar and beer and whatever ho came along with all that.. so in order to be with him i had to put up with a lot of barstool time. i did what he wanted to do…what made him happy. i understand what happened…he met another alcoholic that was sitting on the stool next to him being a companion….i know how it hurts….really (i-hatecandi), i do understand you. now change with me.

let's not become doormats to the ones we think we love (or feel we love) repeat my mantra: I FORGIVE, I LET GO, I AM MOVING FORWARD WITH MY LIFE. come on i need some help practicing that creed….say it with me loud and clear….I forgive (yourself too), i let go…(meaning to let go away no contact), and i am moving forward with my life….that is the exciting sentence. planning and creating the new you….enjoy you…just enjoy you. and be safe.

7:16 am
August 21, 2007


ihatecandi

New Member

posts -1

Thanks Taj. Sounds like you know from experience, as you said. I just thought THOUGHT he was better than that, but even his own Mother can't believe the things he's doing. I used to cry because I miss him, but now I cry because he ticks me off so bad I could just strangle him! He's not only hurting me, it's his kids and yes, I know, he doesn't see if because of the alcohol. Once I get it thru my thick head that I can't help him, he needs to help himself, I guess there's nothing I can do but be there for me and my kids. Thank you for all your helpful input…everyone. I will continue this board. It's great to be able to talk to people who have been there..

7:25 am
August 21, 2007


lalasgirl

New Member

posts -1

i hate candi—-

i guess i should not tell you to forget your husband…sorry for that advice….i just had a few more issues that does warrant a complete no contact with my spouse. so forgive my advice about forgetting your husband….but take my advice on creating who you are all over again and enjoy it. you are worth it.

and in re-reading my post to you….i need to keep my own sidewalk clean. i have to figure out me…not everybody else…

7:35 am
August 21, 2007


ihatecandi

New Member

posts -1

lalasgirl,
That's the way we heal and learn is from other peoples posts and stories. What worked for them and what didn't. Sounds like you and I have alot in common. I too drank but not like him and I don't any more, I was a lucky one and am not an alcoholic. It's just that this MAN is NOT the man I know he is…that's what is soo damn hard. Whether he's w/ me or not, I want him to be there for the kids but I can tell now, that's not going to happen. I only wish I wouldn't have helped my daughter move down there now. As far as me saying "I FORGIVE, I LET GO, I AM MOVING FORWARD WITH MY LIFE" I can quite do that yet, I do NOT forgive him I am in the process of letting go, every time he screws up makes it that much easier, and I am trying to tell myself to move forward—but I think 3 weeks is way to soon to move on..I trying to think of my kids and I more than him, but he controls the money part so I need to have contact and he knows it. He pays for the storage that all our stuff is in and he has to pay the bank acct that he has overdrawn to great amounts…WOW, after listening to myself talk about him, it's like you want HIM???? I am SOO much better than that and want so much more for myself. Thanks

1:07 pm
August 21, 2007


lettingo

New Member

posts -1

ihatecandi, Your line, "It's just that this MAN is NOT the man I know he is…that's what is soo damn hard" is so common for us women but remember IT IS WHAT IT IS! We tend to hang on to what could be or should be instead of what really is. You have a long way to go and it definetly will be hard but you will make it with support.

3:04 pm
August 21, 2007


ihatecandi

New Member

posts -1

Yeah, you're right. Now I think he's already moving in w/ his new girlfriend because his daughter and boyfreind are there and that ticks me off to no end knowing that he's happy and I'm soooo friggin miserable. I'm holding back because it does still hurt so bad why, because like you said, we tend to hold on to a "dream" that coulda shoulda woulda been. Whew.. I'm still mad but not giving him any more of my anger energy…I'll use that energy on my treadmill!! lol.


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