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someone help me let go of him
August 21, 2007
10:22 pm
cantletgo
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OK, here goes: My husband thinks he wants a divorce. This has been going on for 7 1/2 months. He is seeing another woman. I cry all the time, am now on an antidepressants and I can't let go. No matter what he does to me or says to me I can't let go. Someone help me please. I have tried everything. I am in love with him. He was supposed to be my forever. My sister says the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else so I tried it. I just felt horrible like I had cheated on him. I will never love anyone like him. Help me let go!

August 21, 2007
10:25 pm
litterbag814
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"My sister says the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else so I tried it"

I can empathize with your heartache, but your sister's advice, in my opinion, is the last thing you need. I wish I could give advice on letting go, but truthfully I am in the same boat, but my husband left me for the bottle. < <>> try a bar of chocolate next time, it'll work better then any man :O)

August 21, 2007
10:54 pm
sad sack
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Dear Cantletgo,

I agree with litterbag. Your sister's advice was terrible. What exactly did that accomplish? It only made you feel worse.

You have come to the right place, though. On this site, there is one thread after the other relating to similar experiences.

I, for one, am having a difficult time letting go also. I wont go into the details. I have a thread entitled BrokenHearted and I need help. It was started in March after the breakup of a relationship I was in. It is now August, and although I am a much stronger person, I still have yet to let go completely. In my situation, I have let go of the notion that we will ever get back together. That was the first big step.

Your husband has hurt you tremendously. He has asked for a divorce and he betrayed you by cheating on you with another woman. What exactly are you holding on to? He has made the decision to move on. You need to also. Why would you want to be with someone who treated you in this fashion?

I understand that you thought he would be your forever. So you are grieving the loss of your husband and the death of a relationship. He killed your dreams of a future with him. It is understandable that you are so distraught.

But like I said, he has made his decision. You cannot control him. Are you still living under the same roof? Are there children involved?

My suggestion is to seek out support. YOu need to surround yourself with a genuine support system. Read self-help books to broaden your awareness. There are countless books out there - you are not alone. Seek out therapy if you can. You need someone (other than your sister) to talk to and get some positive feedback. Keep writing here. I guarantee it will help. Read other threads and see what type of feedback was generated. In addition, keep busy.

Please keep posting. I know how hard it is to let go. But your husband has already made his decision to leave. You will get through this. I promise you.

Sad

August 24, 2007
7:44 am
ihatecandi
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WOW, these threads sound like me. My husband is also leaving me for a) the bottle (or beer) and b) another woman who shakes she drinks so much.
I feel exactly like you do cantletgo. Not sure how long ago this happened, mine was only 3 weeks ago so I am definitely still having a hard time letting go, and sad sack said it right..he killed our dreams and that's hard to forget and get over. I feel your pain cantletgo...indeed I do. On top of all this, he is already moving in w/ HER and his daughter just moved down to be closer to him and he has only seen her once in 5 days. There are days I cry and cry because I miss him so much, sober that is, then there are days that I could just rip him apart (these days seem to be coming more and more lately). I miss him and our 20 yrs we had, and miss our future that we were supposed to have but w/ his drinking, I know I'm better off...even though I miss him so.

August 24, 2007
8:42 am
lalasgirl
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im, chiming in on the under to get over statement.....

meaningless sex is just that. but is it? it means that you are sharing your specialness with someone that realy doesn't care. it isn't helpful but harmful to do it in the way you described.

how about just enjoying someone elses company without all the hoopla?

i do understand that feeling you feel for your husband. i am going through it too and i feel like i won't make it alone. but i was alone in the marriage and i bet you were alone too. maybe someone of great wisdom will help us. i know i must be crazy to want him back...he was horrible to me...but he was my horrible......

August 24, 2007
9:09 am
ihatecandi
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Yes, I do agree w/ all of you about the sister...what was she thinking??? There's now way I could even imagine being w/ another man now or anytime soon, but then again, we were together for 20 yrs. Don't listen to your sister anymore. That only makes you feel cheap and worse like you said.

August 24, 2007
11:07 am
turnabout
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Wow. You're sister gives really bad advice. I gasped when I read that. It didn't sound very caring at all.

I don't know if you'll ever love anyone else the way you loved him, but know you can let yourself BE LOVED in a better way than he has. I bet that is really hard to imagine right now, especially if his actions and your sister's advice indicate the kind of treatment you've come to associated with love.

There's no point in looking to other men or other people to "fix" the pain you're in right now. You've been degraded by this to the point you have no idea what your true value is. Let me tell you, it's MUCH HIGHER than this kind of treatment and stupid advice indicates. You're worth immeasurably more than to be cheated on and abandoned. You're worth immeasurably more than to be sent down the path of using someone and letting yourself be used. If anyone tells you that your value is low, don't believe them. Move toward and listen to those you will reaffirm how HIGH your value is. When you start to understand the truth of your value, you won't need to hold onto him anymore. Move toward learning what you're truly worth, knowing that it HAS to AT LEAST be better than what these people have shown you so far.

August 24, 2007
11:17 am
_anonymous
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cant- Sounds like you need to get a divorce. This man has quit and stayed. He has emotionally and physically divorced you already. The legal thing is just a formality. You continuing to stick around is only going to make matters worse because if you really want him the message that you are giving him is that what he is doing is OK and he has no incentive to change. The only power you have is to disapper. Then do not contact him or anyone else that contacts him. Trust me that is the only thing that will work.

August 24, 2007
11:17 am
nappy
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There is just some things that you just can't control and that is another person.
As much as it hurts for us to let go of something or someone that we truly love, sometimes it might just be a blessing.
If your husband has been asking for a divorce, then yes he has been thinking about it. Especially if he is seeing another woman.
You say that you have tried everything to make this man see you, but he don't.

Now can you see yourself?

Yes it hurt, a person that you loved has hurted you, but this is not the end of you. Stop letting this man see you like this. The more that you are there sitting and crying, and being depress, this man is going to keep doing what he is doing. I wouldn't never give that person that much power over me when they see me down like that. Don't you know that is where they rather see you. Baby, the devil will get you and he will keep you there.
Please I would let that man go because he has already made his choice when he took that other woman.
While that other woman is laughing and smiling and having joy, you is there crying and getting sickly and beating yourself up for a choice that he made.

You may be sad that day, but there is always joy in the morning.
Nappy

August 24, 2007
12:38 pm
cantletgo
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You guys are great! I know there are days when I feel like I could rip his throat out and days when I miss him so much I can't think of anything else. It is a good thing I have a great boss! I know that getting under someone else did not help at all. I thought of him the whole time and had to try very very hard not to cry. I really don't think I will ever love anyonelse. He called me on Monday and still on Tuesday I was calling. He is very nice to me but I told him to not call anymore because it was too hard. I haven't spoken to him since Tuesday night. I plan on starting the divorce on the 13th of Sept. He told me to call him before I filed. I think he keeps me hanging on with little bits of love. He started the affair in Oct so they are almost at a year but he has just now told me that he wants to be alone and not be with either one of us. Always before he told me that he loves me (still says he does) and that he didn't want a divorce. He also said that he is not worried because we could always get married again. I just hold on to that crap. I know he doesn't want to be with me or he would be. I just don't know how to not miss him every second of the day. I found pictures on my computer of him today and bawled like a baby. All I want to do is cry. I went on antidepressants a few months ago and I am going to see a therapist next Thursday. I hope that will help. I can't get over that I lost all of my dreams, my kids dreams, my grandbabies (from his side), my in-laws everything. We have only been together for 7 years but it seems like forever for me. I feel like I am drowning in pitty for myself. I know he doesn't want to be with me but I can't accept it. Why?

August 24, 2007
12:57 pm
nappy
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It is not that you can't accept it, you have to accept it or still sit and feel sorry for yourself.
Maybe what your sister said to you was wrong but maybe she said it for a reason because she is the one that you may have been talking to, you yourself said that he and this other woman is going on a year and you still can not get yourself over this.
All she can see is that you are still crying, now you are taking antidepressants because of him and that she also see that he is not hurting because he got up under someone else and he is not thinking one bit about hurting you.

You need someone to help you let go of him, well the only person that can do that is you.
There ought to be some questions that you need to ask yourself.

1.) Why do I want him back into my life after he cheated on me with another woman. And he is still talking with her.

2.) Why am I the one that is taking pills because of being depress.

3.) Why is it taking me so long to get over something that I already know that is not any good for me.

4.) And what benefits has it done for me, that I am still crying, sad, can't live my own life, don't want to love again, taking in all of the negative thoughts and not the positive thougths.

My question is, if you only had a month to live, would you be still wasting your time thinking about him, or would you be trying to live your life?
Nappy!

August 30, 2007
8:59 pm
rtaylor
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Hi,

I know how you feel. My husband is a alcoholic. He left me 5 mths ago claiming that he needs space telling me all along that he wants to work things out. I recently found that he is seeing his boss and living with her!! She left her husband for mine. He in return says but I don't love her and I do not want to be with her. It has been very hurtful but most of all I am mad at my self because I let him lead me on. I am trying to let go but I do not know how.

August 31, 2007
3:18 pm
nappy
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If your husband just up and left you for his boss and he is an alcoholic, do you really think that he is going to be living happy. Unless the boss is also an alcoholic. She going to find out also what she shouldn't have left.
Please it is going to be a matter of time before he comes back crawling to you, telling you that he made a mistake, but it will be up to you if you take him back.
And after he left me for another woman, I would be cutting the strings of his attachment from me.
Nappy

September 7, 2007
7:37 am
rtaylor
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Hi Nappy,

I know you are right, he came over here the other night drunk saying he wants to come back home and that he did not love her. The very next morning he texts messages me and says I cant do this, I have to walk away from you and Goodbye. Can you believe that?? He just told me an hour before that he wanted to be with me.

September 7, 2007
11:08 am
Anonymous
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Please run as far and fast away from this man as you can... save yourself from a life of misery and pain, just do it and don't look back..i know easy to say but you can do it, and it might just save your life too...safe hugs to you!

September 7, 2007
12:38 pm
nappy
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Good Morning Rtaylor,

I hope that you are having a bless day.

Well the husband came back and he was drunk. Well when a drunk talk, that is called "alcoholic talk".
Now somewhere in his conversation he probably was telling you the truth. He probably don't love this woman but he is with her. Drunk or no drunk, your husband knows that he did something that was very wrong and hurtful. He knew it when he let that other foot cross over that doorway of both of your home. He left.
And the more that you let him into YOUR front door, he will continue to keep coming over with that same tired story about his life and how it is not going right. Well you know what. If you keep letting him, then he will continue to keep playing them head games with you. One minute having you to have hope and having sex and then the next minute he have gotten what he wanted and now gone home to that other woman and telling you that he don't want to see you anymore UNTIL........ the next time he turn up drunk.
Shouldn't no one have to help you let him go.... You have to do this one on your own. Keep reading your thread and you will find your answers there.
Get back with me when you have a chance.
Nappy

September 7, 2007
7:02 pm
rtaylor
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Hi Nappy,

I know you are right. I should not have any problems letting him go. I know it will happen again that he will show up at my door drunk but this time I have to turn him away and tell him to go back home to his woman. He made this choice, live with it! I am done letting him hurt me! Let him hurt now.

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