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Sexual confusion

UserPost

8:55 pm
January 7, 2006


jolly06

New Member

posts -1

hello, i am 46 yrs old and have been married for 13 yrs. I have a wonderful husband but I am not sure I am in love w/him. What is more confusing is I dont know if I am gay or not. I have never acted on it but i seemed to have had many crushes on girlfriends thru out my life. But I kept it to myself. I have a co-worker that I have been friends with for about 4 years. She is very different from myself, daring, wild and takes many chances. But even though we are so different, I am more shy and come from a different background we have become very good friends. The more I know her the more I think that she has had previous relationships with other woman (even though she is married also.)She has also made slight remarks to me about it or how attrractive I am, but I laugh it off. I am attracted to her in some ways and I love being around her. But what do I do. Do I lover her as a friend? and really what can us getting involved really acomplish anyway. Just heartache I am sure somewhere down the line. Or can it work. Just Asking I am very scared and confused. Any ADVICE/

9:06 pm
January 7, 2006


feline

New Member

posts -1

No matter what way you look at it, it will cause heartache to you or to people close to you. Perhaps you should counselling a go.

9:16 pm
January 7, 2006


jolly06

New Member

posts -1

thanks that is what i have been thinking. But that seems to be a step to admitting something that I am not sure I can do.

9:19 pm
January 7, 2006


jewel2

New Member

posts -1

Dear Jolly, I didn't recognize my 'preference' for the same sex until I was 35. I was in my 2nd marriage by then, totally codependent and utterly confused! Whether you choose to persue the feelings you have for your friend is entirely up to you, the only thing I feel the need to express is that you keep the two issues; whether you love your husband or not and your attraction to women – seperate. In other words only trouble can ensue by trying to find out the answer to one THROUGH the other. By being honest with yourself you will find the strength to be honest in your marriage. As feline suggests; sometimes counselling can help you see things more clearly.

9:27 pm
January 7, 2006


Mishy2sons

New Member

posts -1

Wow Jolly! This is tough. I don't really have any answers for you. I am leaning towards saying, "Be true to yourself." If you are a lesbian, than you are. It just is, whether you act on it or not.

I guess you need to ask yourself, "Is this a sexual attraction?" Can you imagine yourself engaged in sexual acts with the women you have admired and loved over the years?

Love isn't necessarily sexual. You may have been deeply in love with some of the women in your life without being a lesbian. I think that if you felt both love and sexual attraction, then you could define yourself as bisexual or lesbian. But if just love, than not.

Certainly, having an affair with a woman or a man would be hurtful to your husband. If you love him, you will want to consider that before having an affair. Yet, if you are truly a lesbian and you want to live that lifestyle and be true to yourself, than your husband deserves to be told honestly.

I am sure it wouldn't be easy on him, but living a life that deceives and cheats both of you isn't easy either.

I also think it is natural to admire or be attracted to people who are different from ourselves. You are shy while your friend is daring and takes chances. Maybe this freindship is good for you both. You can temper her daring nature while she can introduce you to new experiences.

On the other hand, be cautious. Is her daring nature a healthy one or is she manic, living on the edge, endangering herself and all those around her? If so, ask yourself why that attracts you?

I guess you need to do some soul searching. In the meantime, I don't see why you can't be friends. I am sure there will be other folks here who will disagree and I am looking forward to reading their advice.

I am 44. Over the years there have been many women I have admired and loved. I have a dear friend now, who is like your friend. She took me quarry diving this past summer and wants to climb the Presidentials in New Hampshire together next fall. She introduces me to adventure. There is absolutely nothing of a sexual attraction between us and we are both married with children. (Our chldren introduced us.)

Over the years, I have been acquainted with several lesbians. I have been fascinated by, intrigued with and draw to these women. Yet, the bottom line is, I cannot imagine ever engaging in sexual acts with them.

Can you picture yourself sexually with a woman? (No need to answer here, only to yourself.) If so, I think you have an answer.

Peace,
Mishy

9:29 pm
January 7, 2006


jolly06

New Member

posts -1

Thank you jewel, It is very assuring for me to hear feedback from other people. Here I am talking about my closest friend and yet I am scared to talk to her about it. There seems something wrong with that. So here I am on a website for answeres. Thanks Again

9:35 pm
January 7, 2006


jolly06

New Member

posts -1

No I don't think I can be intimate with a woman yet It is even hard for me to totally let go w/ my husband. I was molested as a child from a family friend. I know that this my main issue but sometimes it is hard to admit even at this age the harm it has really caused me and also confused me about where the truth lies.

9:47 pm
January 7, 2006


jewel2

New Member

posts -1

I fully understand your fears in approaching your friend with this line of questioning – what if you totally misinterpreted her flirtatiousness? Personally I feel that this has less to do with her and more to do with you. For example, what if you did approach her and she said she wasn't interested in you in that way? Would this rejection then make you reject any ideas that you might be gay? Or what if she was thrilled at the idea of you being together? Would your sexuality then be solely reliant on the success of the affair? In other words if the affair was awesome would you then up and leave your husband and throw yourself into the world of being a lesbian or if the affair was awful would that then put to rest any ideas that you might be gay? I believe both would be bad choices, as Mishy2sons states – an affair would be hurtful to your husband and none of this is his fault. If you are gay, you are gay – not because you do not love your husband anymore, not because you fancy your best friend but because that is who you relate to on all levels – NOT just sexually. So once again you need to dig deep, speak to a proffessional (preferably a gay therapist as they will be more 'in tune' to certain signals.) I know through experience how tough this decision is, I send you courage.

12:11 am
January 8, 2006


Matteo

New Member

posts 2

I am quite confused in regards with putting straight lines: homosexual – heterosexual. How about biosexual? Or simply sexual??

For centuries heterosexual men and women had homosexual encounters, and it wasn't such a big issue; often it was widely accepted and encouraged, not frown upon like it is today.

In your situation I would be more concerned with your marriage and if you really want to put in jeopardy by having an affair instead of worrying about your sexual preferences.

11:37 am
January 8, 2006


hbdude2k

New Member

posts -1

Hey Jolly, Read the thread "HAVE YOU FALLEN IN LOVE, I THOUGHT I DID ALL THE TIME, BUT HAVEN'T IN 37 YRS"….From Jan 6…There are some good points you should take into consideration for yourself wheather your gay or not. Feel good about yourself. Be true to yourself. Don't lie to yourself. Why put stress on your shoulders. Take it day by day and if you are headed to be happy in a gay relationship, then so be it. Yes, divorce etc….you have to think about but you need not to lie to yourself to be a true person. Good luck on your decisions for the future. We are here to support you as everyday comes about….

12:36 pm
January 8, 2006


jolly06

New Member

posts -1

Thank you all for the support. It has helped alot and I have been doing some real thinking about all this. I really think I need some distance from my friend on a personal level to see if I can find MYSELF again and work on my marriage. I also am going to find a counselor to help me figure out alot of things. Thanks to all


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