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Recovering codependent going through withdrawal from her man

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10:11 pm
February 28, 2005


Emperorsclothes

New Member

posts -1

Ok, im going through some major unmeshing and withdrawal at the moment. I am not addicted to anything except my husband who i have realized i am and have been still acting coda with.
I have begun to let go of my controlling, my anger my resentment, manipulation etc..
Im left with all my underlying feelings about my life and theres, like, nothing left between him and i..
I am disgusted with the way he has treated me but im also sick about how much i put up with it and how much of my life, my beautiful life, i wasted trying to make him something hes not.
It was like trying to make a black spot, white.
It was fruitless.
It was crazy.
I unconciously recreated my childhood atmosphere, trying to get him to love me, change for me, be with me, etc …just like i wanted my parents to be.
Now ive quit this toxic pattern and oru home is quiet and all i can think about is how empty i feel..
anyone else been through this?
Its tough

4:54 am
March 1, 2005


karen2oo5

New Member

posts -1

hi again Emperorsclothes,i have also tried to recreate my childhood in all of my relationships all of which have been abusive,i havent quite stoped my toxic pattern but am currently working on my behaviour,but i feel so lucky to have come to a place in my life were i am aware of what i am doing,i am also discusted with all my partners cruel behaviour towards me, and also feel how much of my beautiful life also has been wasted trying to be perfect,perfect for someone who really didnt give a damn anway,when i look back i cannot believe some of the stuff i did just to get a little bit of love and attention,and even then still didnt get it,i have still got a long way to go but im so thank full for my prayer that was answerd and that was my knowledge of codependence which i one day out of the blue came across on the net……..i hope my post is of some help to you Emperorsclothes

8:08 am
March 1, 2005


kc30

New Member

posts -1

Wow!!!!! Can I ever relate to you. I am there right now…the realization of just how badly I've been treated- how much mistreatment I've put up with- the excuses I've made- the way I've told myself it didn't hurt that bad. I stuffed a lot of my feelings- I didn't even realize I was doing it, but now I'm letting them free- flow (see MAD thread)

I know this is all childhood related as well- looking for love and approval from my husband instead of giving it to myself. And he didn't/doesn't have it to give, just like my father didn't (so cliche but so true) It's something I'll need to dig into deeper I think, after this crisis has passed and definitely before I start dating again.

I do feel empty sometimes, but I think that's because I've spent so long trying to earn his approval (my husband)…everything I did was about him- trying to get him to love me the way I wanted. Now that he's gone and I don't want him back, I'm left with this big void—just me. I'm trying to fill it by learning who I am, what I like and don't like, and giving myself the love I need. I'm tired of looking for it externally.

For me, it's about respecting myself right now, and not tolerating mistreatment any longer. It's hard because it means I blast my husband when he hurts me rather than pretend it's ok- I'm over it, and I put myself at risk of "enduring his wrath" (he's not violent, just a head-fuck), but I've realized it doesn't matter what I say or do- he'll do what he wants anyways, so I may as well start standing up for myself and feel good about that.

It's hard though- I beat myself up for everything and judge myself mercilessly. I think though, when I can start looking in the mirror and say "hey, you're pretty cool! I like you"- the emptiness will fade?

Does that make sense? (see, looking to you for validation! it's truly an illness, this codie thing!)

9:41 am
March 1, 2005


karen2oo5

New Member

posts -1

hi kc30,yes i used to look for validation from all of my partners,until i realised that i am the only one that can give that to myself,and i once read this when you are high in self esteem you will realise that other peoples bad behaviour is their baggage,so when someone is horrible i try to remember this,we all have our baggage though and we all act in our protective ways,and we all just wanna be loved,but sometimes we go about it the wrong way i guess….remember you are special and no one deserves to be treated in the wrong way

11:53 am
March 1, 2005


Emperorsclothes

New Member

posts -1

Karen, KC its nice to hear you identify and mirror.
I am not only learning and realizing how much of a mind F he was to me, but also how much i mind F'd myself

12:09 pm
March 1, 2005


sweetlola

New Member

posts -1

I had to respond to this because it hits so close to home. I, too, have absolutely no addictions except for an addiction to a particular person. I know that this a toxic relationship but I can't seem to let go. I am trying to detach myself but I just can't do so. I won't talk to this person for months and I think I am making progress but then he calls and I am right back where I started from. It is just like a drug. I tell myself that the only solution is to cut myself off from this person entirely. However, because I am "addicted", I just can't make the break. I recognize that I too, need help.

1:14 pm
March 1, 2005


stardj0

New Member

posts -1

sweetlola..wow that is EXACTLY The way that i feel i am so addicted to my bf also..and just cant detach myself..i guess i really DONT know how to go about doing it..i am in the process of reading codependant no more..and so far it seems like a good book..but my problem is..that as i am reading it..i find myself drifting off thinking about the bf so much that i am having a hard time understanding what this book is trying to tell me..my mind will go to mush and i have to put it down and try to clear him out of my mind so i can try to concentrate on this book..but somehow i will try to make it though this all…each day is supposed to get better..but for me it is like one part of the day seems to be better for me..then all of a sudden i get these thoughts and flashbacks in my mind of the great times that i have had with him and then i am all depressed all over again..and hope that the next day or even hour i can think of the bad times and feel better about myself..it is like they say a GIANT roller coaster with lots and lots of BIG and small hills valleys and dipps that i am going through..but it is so hard for me..i want him back so badly one minute and the next i am so pissed off at the things he has done to me and saying to myself..now why would i want him back?? sometimes i think that i am crazy…maybe i have ADD..and that is why i am jumping back and forth so much to all these thoughts i dont know..but all i do know is i wish it would just all stop and that i can just go on with my life and be happy..i have been doing so much praying..but it seems like that isnt even helping right now..but i will continue and have hope..take care and good luck

2:34 pm
March 1, 2005


sweetlola

New Member

posts -1

stardj0:
I am glad that you wrote because sometimes I feel that I am the only one experiencing this addiction. I, too, read the book "Codependency No More". I saw myself on every page. I often read and re-read the chapter on detachment. I know that I have to do it and I know why I have to do it. The only problem is I don't know how to do it. I constantly think about this person.(even when I am with others). I cannot get him off my mind no matter how I try. I wish you well. You will be in my thoughts.

3:36 pm
March 1, 2005


pathfinder

New Member

posts -1

Hello ladies: I can relate to all of you also. I think I may also fall under the category of codependent. I have been obssessed with thoughts of my ex BF all day, to the point that I have not been able to get much work done. I was unhappy in the relationship, but I am even more unhappy without him. The only difference is that he was not abusive towards me. Does the object of ones addiction have to be abusive for it to be considered a codependent relationship? I am so desperate. I've been considering showing up at his front door this evening. I stopped myself from doing this yesterday, but I don't think I can control my impulses much longer. He made it very clear to me on Saturday (the last time we spoke) that he was not going to take me back ever again. I had left him to many times before and he was not willing to risk having to go through with this heart ache over and over. Logically it makes sence, but my heart feels otherwise. Why was I unsure that I loved him when he was so adoring towards me? Now all I do is check my cell phone and emails in hopes that by some miracle his stance will soften and he will contact me again…and then we can go on the roller coaster all over again. I called him on Sunday morning when he was still sleeping and he said he would call me back. He hasn't called me back yet, and with each minute my desperation grows. I have a plant that I repotted for him. This could be my excuse…but I'm setting myself up for him to reject me (I can't blame him) I don't think I could handle him telling me to get myself together and leave…

3:45 pm
March 1, 2005


Emperorsclothes

New Member

posts -1

melody beattie is an excellent writer and her books are great milestones, but i found "women who love too much" more helpful because she was only suffering one addiction – men so i could relate in a deeper way, whereas melody is a recovering alcoholic, drug addict.

Star, what you are experiencing are obssessive thoughts and roller coaster emotions, these keep us from feeling our own feelings about ourselves and our lives. The pain you feel with this guy and the drama keeps u from doing the work you need to do on yourself..ive strongly realized this and now im currently detaching in a big way. I have so much energy freed up for me and my life that im in shock. You really dont know what you are doing to yourself and how much energy you are using on obssessing and controlling the men in our lives until we really detach, and the only true way to do this is through an epiphany, grace, insight..what have you. It finally happened for me in a huge way, but then again ive been in this toxic relationship for years. I had just reached my bottom with it, and my life has started t o move upwards.
I cant tell you all is rosy, no way, i have miles to go.
I am feeling my feelings in respects to my life and my losses, now. I never felt anything except rage, resentment and just fury for years.
I hated him.
Even though these men are AHoles, they ARENT THE REAL PROBLEM THATS CAUSING US PAIN.

WE ARE.

Its sad but true, we are doomed to repeat our childhood dramas, dilemmas until WE BECOME CONCIOUS OF WHAT WE ARE DOING.
I feel like it was a spiritual thing for me, i prayed, i journalled, i read , i begged to get out of this and to receive clarity, and i have.
Its exciting but terrifying all at once.
I am beginning to grieve in a big way.
I am also feeling the void within me that feels like the wind blows through it.
I have put some much energy, effort, desire and life into him, others, its no wonder im so empty.
Who am i?
I am starting to do things i was scard to do.
I am doing things i needed to do for myself such as exercise every day and make friends.
I am going to start a new class.
I am going to finally publish that book ive been putting off.
Im going to run my own business, not his.
Im going to forgive and accept my mother, although i may not spend much time with her.
Im going to forgive my ex's
u get the picture..
Ladies, there is nothing better than recovering yourself. Im just beginning, its scary as hell, i feel very alone and lonely, but it has to be done.
Its what were really all here for -
blessings

4:04 pm
March 1, 2005


karen2oo5

New Member

posts -1

hi girls been reading your posts and up till now i thought i was the only one that used to obssesively think about my b/f i have also finished or tried to finish with him many times but then i used to constantly check my mobile to see if he hed tried to contact me,and on the times he had it was like a buzz for me,but i hadnt realised at that time i was addicted to him,even though he wasnt treating me right,we are still together well sort of,but i am more aware of what im doing but it is like a dance he wants me i aint so botherd then it changes i want him he aint so botherd,but i no i have to leave cause its toxic but im finding it so hard cause i get really ratty when we arnt talking the most we havent spoken for in the past was 5weeks and that was like bad withdrawals,i feel stuck cause i no ive got to leave but im dreading the greiving…..i hope this is is of some help to you all it aint easy but i think it helps knowing that there are others that are going through similar in their lives and to share this with one another somehow makes us feel stronger
……….

4:05 pm
March 1, 2005


ihaveachoice

New Member

posts -1

I did not know you could be addicted to a person until March 16th. That day the light went on. It took me 20 years with the same man to realize that he was the reason I would not leave him. He is the alcoholic and I have an addiction too. I always thought he was the problem, not me. Like you all I have tried to read Codepen. No More, but I still never saw my problem. I saw my problem after reading the book The Opposite of Everything is True by Crisham. This book changed my life. I had been living with the hope of what could be not what is. I belived that I could love him enough and he would then give me what I needed–love. It does not work that way. The withdrawal is real. I felt like I would die without him. I wish they had a detox for "people withdrawing from a person" instead of just drugs and alcohol. I needed it. It has been 2 weeks since I started my withdrawal and I still want a "fix"(to see and be with him) I have to let go and know there is someone who will see me for the great person I am. I know I am kind,loving,considerate and respectful. He lost sight of how wonderful I am and I will not lose that knowledge again. I lost myself once and I will not do it again. I thought if he did not love me then no one would—I forgot I had to love myself. –Loving yourself will help you through your withdrawal. That and the help of some great friends that will remind you that you deserve the best, not what you have. Start a journal and write all the bad and good things about your relationship. If you are like me the bad will take up a lot more pages than the good. Be honest with yourself–tell yourself the truth–it is liberating.

5:12 pm
March 1, 2005


karen2oo5

New Member

posts -1

yes i lost my self for 20 years three abusive relationships,constantly trying to get validation,if i just do this it will be ok if i just do that he will love me the hurt and pain i was caught in there were no words for it.. i could not see a way out up until a short while ago,i prayed for my pain to go away and my prayer was answerd i came across codependence on the net,and i am now working on my addiction i no i have a way to go as it is the withdrawals i am dreading,but i no i have to do it……………..

8:50 pm
March 1, 2005


Emperorsclothes

New Member

posts -1

We get so angry and feel so unloved with these men, husbands and often fathers to our children.
We have so much invested in them, we make them our world, our lives revolve around them – a deadly situation for us.
We need to revolve our life around us and those we love and care for will be getting from a full cup, not an empty one.
We wont feel resentment when we "give or help" others because we wont expect anything, we are full.
We help as codas to control and avoid our selves..
im with you karen, its only been a week for me, i had split for a year with him before but this letting go, i can feel, is for good.
Its a loving thing to do for him as well, it no longer enables him to make his problems ours. When we would confront him with his stuff, and scream , shout, beg etc, it would look like we were the nuts and the problem that was originally his, became ours.
..understand

10:07 pm
March 1, 2005


Emperorsclothes

New Member

posts -1

bleh i messed up that last post..
sorry
wish we could start a book club on "women who love too much" ive read the book a few times and given it out but never really lived it as fully as now.
Why dont you ladies all get it and we can start a thread on it:)

10:55 pm
March 1, 2005


chickyfighter

New Member

posts -1

To all of you who have made the brave effort to address your dysfunctional codependent relationship issues, thanks so much…I admire each and everyone one of you. I also live with this, I identified my problem slowly after my marriage of 9.5 yrs. It's been 4 yrs almost since and I have had a couple bad relationships since but I am still in the biggest one of all since my divorce. I thought I had left all the dysfunction behind me after signing my divorce papers…. not quite! Believe me, for yrs I prayed that he'd change and just love me, that he'd stop pushing me away and stop cheating. I'd cry myself to sleep almost every night. I lost sight of me and my dreams trying to have a family I had yearned for since I was a babe. I wanted my boys to have what I never had a mother and father. I grew up w/o my parents for 8 yrs. and when I met them I never formed a bond w/them. They never expressed any positive emotion or acceptance towards me w/o pointing out the negative. I do that now w/men, I have to be perfect for them to care, and the more they push me away the more I want them. At least you all have a bf mine are men who are emotionally unavailable and I don't ever want the title of girlfriend b/c then when it's over we'd have to admit it was a break up. I can't face another one of those. I can't say good-bye, I feel sad for them. As much as he does not care about me, I don’t want to cause him pain. I feel like it hurts to be rejected so I won't reject them although he is boldly seeing whoever he wants to see. He can look into my eyes and know I am hurting but has a hard cold look in his eyes in return. I would give anything just to hear him say I love you, but he has made it clear that he will never want a relationship (I am afraid to ask if it’s me who he does not want, or a relationship period, b/c I think I know the answer, so why is he w/me??) The sick thing is that I don't want a relationship. There are other good men in my life but I am not attracted to them b/c they don’t hurt, they value me, plus being married has left a nasty taste in my mouth that I don't believe in that anyway, but I do want him to want me enough to say I am worthy of his love…He doesn't call for weeks and I made a great stride by not calling him either, but then one night he calls and says he'll come pick me up and I let him. Knowing I may start off feeling high at first but in the middle of the whole interaction I resent him and can't stand myself for not being able to spit out the desire to let go. I have rehearsed it in my head so many times and I can't do it. He is leaving now to Sweden next month for 6 months. I thought I would be delivered from him and then he tells me he'll be back after that. I am sick eh? I will get better, I have to do it! I hate this dysfunction, I hate the pain.

3:56 am
March 2, 2005


karen2oo5

New Member

posts -1

i feel pretty much the same,my marriages left a sour taste in my mouth too,i dont really want a relationship either now,but i did desperately about three months back,but through my counseling i have come too see that it would be hell living with him anyway,and i agree i would of been the one ending up looking like i was nuts,even though the problems were originally his,he ends up doing that now on the weekends we see each other,But i also see that i have an illness also that i MUST NOT lose site of…..and i am currently reading women who love too much, i would really love too keep this post going …. i think it would be good …..Emperorclothes this is is your thread how would you feel on that………..

8:35 am
March 2, 2005


kc30

New Member

posts -1

Wow- what an incredible thread. First, I am going to buy the book "Women who love too much" and finish it dammit. I'm a classic starter, slow finisher.

Second, I need to start owning my feelings, and stop this blaming and feeling victimized- it's so easy to do that, but it just keeps me locked to a man that hurts me. The longer I stay entangled, the longer the pain is going to be there. I've really fallen off the wagon, so to speak, this past week.

Good to get in touch with my anger, but bad because I blame him and his continued affair for my anger- doing this, I realize, means that I will never get over it until their affair is over, and that may never happen. Giving away all my power, again, and trying to control, using anger, again.

Everyone says "Don't respond. Don't give him a reaction. Don't write- don't call" I do this very well for a time, then off I go…this past week, it was all nasty stuff…for 4 weeks before that, I pretty much gave him nothing. I was starting to get on track…feeling better, feeling peaceful, and I guess it was too much. Stir the pot- be somebody I'm not (nasty) then beat myself to DEATH for doing it because I know better.

I know my marriage is over- I know I don't want to be with the man- I know I can do better- yet I'm still fully engaged, although trying harder to break out. It IS an addiction, no doubt in my mind, and it keeps me from dealing with my own life- keeps me feeling victimized, something I'm used to.

Why is it we can know these things intellectually, but emotionally, we just keep doing the same destructive things, over and over. And I'm the one who ends up miserable and hurting in the end. But I'm used to that…obviously, look at who I married. And beating myself up all the time serves no purpose…keeps me from recovery, just as getting caught up in his life and his choices does.

Emporer- you've really hit a lot of good buttons for me on this thread. Thanks, and thanks to all the other people who share their secrets here. It helps so much.

4:42 pm
March 2, 2005


karen2oo5

New Member

posts -1

hi yes i agree why is it we know these things intellectually,but keep doing the same things,i am doing this right now i no that i am in a dead end relationship,with someone that is probabaly the biggest liar i have ever met,the most craftiest person at mental abuse,it is as plain as the nose on my face but i still carry on seeing him what am i playing at i no exactly what i am doing but choose to avoid the ending of it……….

7:51 pm
March 2, 2005


sweetlola

New Member

posts -1

I think this is a great website as it shows me that so many women are experiencing the same feelings as I am. So many times I wonder to myself "What is wrong with me?" but now I see that my problem is not unique (in fact, it appears quite common). My situation is a bit different as the person I am addicted to is not my boyfriend(nor do I want him to be my boyfriend). He is a friend that I got too involved with. I care way toooooo much about him. The problem is I got too emeshed in his life. I worry about him and think about him constantly. He has no idea how I feel and will never know (since I will never tell him). I just want to break the ties but it is hard. (especially when he has no idea what is going on). Intellectually, I know I have to make the break, but emotionally I cannot. Like I said before, it is just like an addiction. I know my relationship with him is toxic but I can't let it go. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! If anyone could offer concrete suggestions on how to detach from this person, I would gladly listen.

8:10 pm
March 2, 2005


Emperorsclothes

New Member

posts -1

These guys pick us cause we know what it is to suffer. They know we accept them and want to help them with the traits that other, healthy women, who love themselves and put themselves first, wouldnt put up with.
They know they have door mats with us, even though i dont believe most of them are smart enough to conciously plan this out or try to beat us down so they can feel better about themselves. I think they are just as messed up and in just as much pain as us, but because they are men, they deal with it differently.
Im glad that you are all feeling good about this thread. Im really happy i start it, we need to talk about this stuff and the book "women who love too much" is absolutely genius. The woman who wrote it, really knows her stuff, not academically but experientially and she writes in such a clear, concise and no BS way that you cant help to get snapped out of your denial and face this monkey, we all carry, head on.
Well that monkey got way too heavy on my back, and im not carrying it any more.
Im looking at it and its face is fear, and desperation. I feel sorry for that monkey, and ive had enough of feeling compassion and pity for others, above myself. He may be hurting, mother may be hurting, family members may be hurting, but im the only one i can do something about. When im taking care of my own personal anguish, then im taking care of those who love me. And those who dont truly love me, will just fall away.
He and others are seeing a new me, and im happy about it. Im anxious, i have a lot of feelings, im sensing past grief i havent processed and doubts, fears that i cant do for myself what ive always wanted and needed.
This is ridiculous because i put myself through university as a single parent, i brought my own home, started several of my own business's ..where does this doubt come from?
Years of him telling me, oh what u gonna do without me? What man would really want you, look how much weight you have gained. etc. I brought into some of these hateful comments said in anger, and i said some of my own back, but this drama, this painful interaction with my husband soaked up so much energy and i obssessed "oh, hes getting better, hes becoming more responsible, he really does love me, then i can buy that new property, then i can travel, then i can…
insane!
I can do this all now! I will do all this now! I will not put my life on hold another moment, for him or anyone!
Life is short and my creator wants me to live in in joy and peace. I need to set the highest example of inspiration for my offspring, friends and loved ones through my own example of personal success, and success to me is financial stability and abundance, holistically healthy, friends, supportive – trustworthy relationships, adventure, goals, dreams etc..
I will no longer trust untrustworthy people with my deepest thoughts and feelings.
This is important.
How many of us have beared our souls to people who have hurt us a few days before or betrayed our trust, yet we continue to open up and show caring for them, when they would as soon as stab us in teh back out of jealously or immaturity.

8:11 pm
March 2, 2005


Emperorsclothes

New Member

posts -1

Sorry i get carried away at times, with my writing, and forget to break into paragraphs..lol
Ill try not to do that again:)

1:20 am
March 3, 2005


Jexy

New Member

posts -1

One more thing (I'm not obsessed am I?!)…he was so needy…always wanted my attention, couldn't stand to be alone, always wanted to do things with me…if we had a night off he would text me like 10 times…just text after text…silly stuff, not even giving me time to respond…and he would say really inappropriate things out of the blue…he took a call from his ex-girlfriend at my mother's house when my best friend and her parents were over for lunch and I was introducing my new 'boyfriend'…he told everyone at the dinner table that was his ex and they were still really good friends and no one knew where to look…it's good for me to write this stuff and admit it because every bone in my body wants to run back to him and I'm suffering terrible withdrawals….the pains seems to be more intense…He broke up with his ex when he was at my house the first weekend we spent together…he was on the phone to her for over an hour…I didn't know what to do…I forgave him…because I didn't want to rock the boat…friends who knew him said I could do better and after I'd lent him money, a friend told me he has left a string of girlfriends who he owes money to!!! He was totally financially unmanageable, he was spontaneously indulgent, spending on expensive hotel rooms and then borrowing money for the bus the next day…he didn't seem to have many friends as I became his world for 8 weeks…I had my friends and life who I wanted to see, I was happy just to be with him the first 6 weeks, but when it got too much and I wanted my life and friends back the way it was…he couldn't cope and demanded I spend time him…just wanted to get this all out…hope it's relevant.

1:25 am
March 3, 2005


Jexy

New Member

posts -1

This previous share follows on from a share I posted on the "No contact/reaction 4 week commmitment" page, for some reason I thought this was that page..oh well…so if this doesn't make sense then the beginning of the share is on that no contact..etc page…

12:48 pm
March 3, 2005


SouthernChick

New Member

posts -1

I can definitely relate to Lola. Unfortunately, our friendship took the wrong turn and his is/was my drug. It has only been three weeks since I realized I am codependent. To make matter worse, I am married and my husband is the greatest guy in the world. He gave up drinking a few years ago to give our marrage a chance. I am working on recovering from my "drug", which my husband doesn't know about. He knows that we have been friends for years. I don't want to tell my husband because he doesn't deserve to be hurt. I rather die with the pain in my heart over what I have done, than to hurt my hustband. Another ungy turn is I met my "drug" at church!


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