Old-timer returns....with new relationship troubles - please help. | General Support | Forum

Thank you, One Day.  I am really suffering today, and I really needed someone, and there you were, like magic.

You are right.  I do know that I could reach out to him, and that we could start the cycle all over again.  I am constantly fighting that pull – and it's especially hard, now, after his texts reaffirming that he still thinks about me, still misses me, still wishes things could be different.  But they aren't different.  He is still married.  He still has a son.  He still thinks that the only way to be a good father is to stay in the relationship with his wife.  Nothing has changed, so it would end the same way, no matter what I did/do/say.  

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Thank you for writing.  Your words are exactly what I needed to read.  I will focus on getting through today.  Taking care of myself today.  It will somehow all work out, somehow, someday – I just have to trust that I can get through this miserable agony and somehow be ok.

I am just worn out.  I feel like I have carried myself as far as I can, and I haven't gotten anywhere.  It's frustrating and heartbreaking and I wish I was far, far away from this emotional place.  have I just been going in circles?  I'm so tired.  I hurt.  I want someone else to carry me, because I can't go any further.  I want someone to lift this burden, this pain from me, because I just can't do it any more.  None of this is what I want.  this is just so hard.

I have lost whatever strength I possessed, somehow.  I am just a wreck right now. 

I know that not everyone likes rap music.  But a very soothing song with lyrics that I often listen to is by Joni Mitchell.  It's called "the circle game."

South,

when I was still doing battle with myself towards whether I should continue to pursue my "N", it was torture.  We would get together and while it lasted it was amazing, but afterwards it was like having someone pick a scab that had almost healed and it was always a fresh wound.  No matter how many times I convinced myself that I could handle the dynamics of our arrangement, I simply could not.  I would share my pain with my girlfriends and they could not bear to see me in that pain.  They desperately tried to help me and I was listening to them, but I just was not ready.  Eventually I tried to keep my inability to stay away from him a secret.  The same happened to him.  If we were together it was total solitude and that was fine because that is what we both wanted and in some ways what we both needed back then.  This was not a short lived relationship.  We were together for nearly seven years and any chance we could get we would speak on the phone.  "N" was most definitely my very best friend in the world.  Both of us would drop everything we could and sacrifice many important events to just be together.  Mutual friends were baffled.  Family was stunned.  We fought very hard against all the acceptable standards and to be honest what we shared is not typical and by that I do not mean fantasy or magic. 

"N" was the person that pursued me right from the start.  I met his invitations for a date with total ambivelance.  It was as if nothing could stop him and he just never gave up.  He still tries sometimes to engage me somehow with a text or indirectly through mutual friends.  It's really hard to stay focused and resist the temptation.

Being who I am, it became increasingly obvious to me that he was addicted to me and I was addicted to him.  Both of us knew that we could never have anything more then our limited relationship, but as are all addictions, it is so easy to know that the behaviour is toxic, but go back.  It really was as he once called it meditative.  Alone & together we escaped so much emotional pain & tried to give each other a love that was so intense and so fuill of passion that honestly him and i knew was unlike anything we had had before or would have ever again.

We were  two adult children trying to heal each others pain, trying to be parents to each other, trying to undo some kind of longing for a love that we missed in our childhood, a love that we felt cheated out of.  Most certainly a love that we knew we both deserved.  Like I said if the circumstances were entirely different, I don't think anything would have kept me away, but it is an impossible situation.  I know it's likely hard for you to imagine what obstacles would be in our way, but I am telling what I can.

Do I miss him?  Everyday.  Do I love him?  Very very much.  Am I going to pursue him?  No.  Do I believe that I will meet another guy like "N'?  No way.  Not even close.  He is one in a million and so am I.

So, I keep myself busy and I do have a very full plate of responsibilites.  I have good friends to talk to.  I keep his name out of conversations as often as possible.  My friends know my pain.  They know how strong I need to be to heal through this loss.  They respect me for my choice.  They care about my person and slowly they see that my efforts to let go are real.  They just want me to be happy.  Everyone knows I gave it every fibre of my being.  That's the way I am with anything that I consider worth doing and that is how I am pursuing my own goals in life.

South,

I don't have an answer for you.  What can I tell you but the serenity prayer.  'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Thy will, not mine be done.' 

One day at a time you just need to do your very best and keep reaching out to people who care.

"I wish that I could take your pain, I wish that I could wash it all away"- Vinnie Paz & Stoupe – "Jedi Mind Tricks".

Day 93.

I still have not contacted him.  My house is under contract.  In less than a month, I will move out of this place, if everything goes well with the buyer/loan/inspection/etc.  This house, our house.  I panicked, last night, as I signed the contract.  Is this the right thing to do?  It's such a drastic step – a shutting of a door that can't be re-opened.  I know I have no choice…the door is shut, anyway.  me selling the house is just me choosing to walk away from that shut door, to stop myself from being curled up against it, waiting for it to be opened again.  Signing the contract to sell the house is my choice….a choice I am making because I can't have what I would really choose.  Because I have to choose to move on.  I can't stay here.

  Right?

I've made so many bad decisions lately.  It's hard to know if this is the right thing to do, or just a thing I am doing.  I keep hoping that being out of this house and out of this town, his town, our house, will help me to feel better.  But what if it doesn't?  What if it's not that I don't want to be here, in this house, in this town, but that I don't want to be anywhere?  I thought this could be a do-over.  I could move back to my old town, go back to my old life, before N, as much as possible.  But I can't really go backwards.  Only forwards.  Is this forward? 

I can't tell anymore.  Everything was so clear, so simple, when I was with him.  Now what?

Hi Oneday,

I moved to N's town.  We picked out this house together, although I bought it.  I was living with P, before, in a different town, even though we had broken up – and our lease was up, and I wanted to buy a home, and the timing seemed perfect, the house seemed perfect, etc.  I made a compromise, in order that N could be closer to his son, but I never really wanted to live in this town -  it *is* cheaper to live here, and it's closer to work, but it is actually further away from friends and family and the life I used to have.  Even though it was with P, I liked the town I lived in before, liked the rec center, the community garden, and the nearby trails.  In my mind, going back there would be like hitting the reset button.  As much as I can reset any of this. P has moved, and does not live there anymore, but then, he is not really a factor in my life at all anymore, so that's not a concern.

But, I never want to run into N or his wife, or both of them – which I sometimes worry about as I run errands where I currently live.  They would have no reason to drive 12 miles away, to another small town.  I would be safe from accidental encounters if I move back there.  My hope is to be able to buy a home there – I don't know if I can.  It is more expensive, the housing market is smaller and tighter, and since I did not earn as much last year, I have no idea if I can even qualify for the same amount that I did to purchase this home.  I also don't know what impact buying this home, then turning around and selling it, will have on my credit.  And I don't know how much I will have from my tax returns and the sale of this house to go towards a down payment on a new house.  In speaking to my realtor, she said I at least need to have my house under contract before looking at other houses and submitting any offers.  As of this morning, then, I guess I can start looking.

That's the long answer.  The short answer is no, I don't know where I am going, I have not purchased another home, and I may be sleeping on friends' couches or in my sister's basement for a while.  There will be at least a bit of time when I will be homeless.  That's unsettling, but not the end of the world.  I hope to be resettled soon, press the reset button, and go back to some semblance of the life I had before N.

South,

I am sorry, I did not know the details.  It sounds like a good step in the right direction.  I also agree with the no contact thingy.  I said before.  It is hard, very hard, but necessary.

You will manage and I believe everything will fall into place.  Having family around you that care is wonderful.  You are lucky to have a sister that you are close enough to to stay at her place.  Some people have siblings they never even see.

south, you asked the question "right?" My answer to that is you are doing the exact "right" thing by selling the house. This is the first step towards rebuiilding your life after the break up.

Only,

I am confused by your last post. What is that all about?  I did not see any negative comments directed your way. Your posts are very valuable.

Well anyway, I suppose you made your decision to leave this thread. Sorry about that. You will be missed.

I wish you well.

sad

Day 98.

One Day – what happened?  I'm sorry you felt like you had to leave.  Your posts really helped me.

Thursday night, N said hi to me after class, and then, even though I made sure to leave after him, he was still in the parking lot as I went out to my car.  He started brushing the snow off my car.  I told him I still had a box of his things I needed to give back.  He asked how I wanted to handle that, then said he wasn't in a rush to get them.  I didn't answer.  I didn't have an answer – I don't know what to say, so much of the time.

Today N emailed me, and asked if I was sure I wasn't going to play soccer, because other people had asked him if I was going to play, and because he would miss having me around.  He also apologized for Thursday, saying that he was trying to do as I asked and leave me alone, and that he hadn't meant to start a conversation.  I wanted to send him a detailed, lengthy reply, saying all that I am feeling – that it hurts to talk to him, hurts to be around him, so why would I want to voluntarily subject myself to that?  That I couldn't be his friend, that I needed to rebuild a life that did not include him in it, and that it was not my job to be "around" for him….but I didn't.  I sent a short, "thanks but no thanks," reply.  I know, I shouldn't have replied at all, but it's a step in the right direction.  Baby steps.

Nothing has changed.  As much as I want things to be different, they aren't.  He is in the same place.  And I can't help him out of it.  I can only help myself.  I am moving forward with my life, as painful as it is, and as much as I don't want to.   

Bleh.  This just really sucks.  I hate this.

1. Be firm and strong.

Be resolute about your decision and
immovable. If you really do want to break up with him and you are
sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way
around you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is
that he has the power to get around you. This time he can’t.

2. Make it about YOU, not
HIM.

If you put the focus of the break
up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably
don’t hold up after the event and he’ll make promises that he
means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking
up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve,
however, you’re also
breaking up with him because YOU are better than this.

3. Remind yourself that he
is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.

Yes you may be conditioned to think
that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy
relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the
center of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’
that you’re in now.

4. Think of the woman he’s
with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the
opportunity to be with your guy as a human being with feelings and
strengths and weaknesses just like you.
Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you
were her in the same situation. Whatever
story he has told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold
hard truth is that he CHOOSES to be with HER.

5. Is this how you saw a healthy,
happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12
months or even in years?

6. Remember that occasions like
birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for
his call or snatching a moment together.

7. Go cold turkey.

If you can afford it, go away for a
few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and
family. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where
you are so that you don’t worry. There
should be absolutely no contact.

8.
Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you
have.

When I speak to women in involved
with attached men, whether they realize it or not, they are almost
always in a tight routine. After
all, keeping things in a tight routine is how he stops himself from
getting caught out and fits you into his schedule.
You must break the routine. Put it on voice-mail or turn off your
voice-mail but don’t pick up calls. Be out when he calls. Instead
of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be
out. Be busy. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change
your mobile phone or block his email address.

One Day –

Not sure what offended you, but I would hope you'd set any spirit of offense to the side and continue your wonderfully supportive postings to Zax.  She needs all the support we can give here right now.

-  Ma