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My mother molested me

UserPost

11:21 pm
November 6, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

Thanks Free and others here for me.
I didn't tell my Boyfriend. I told him that right now I'm still not strong enough. He left me alone and started cleaning the garage. Ever so often he'd come in and ask if I was OK. I baked cookies and boiled some turkey legs. I going to drink a cooler and try to pass out. I'm drained. I also was successful in talking my boyfriend into going out with one of his buddies tonight. He's never been out on a Sat. night without me. But I felt guilty because I'm so down today and since I can't tell him what happened I don't want him here. As someone who helps hurting people, I know that my state of mind is torture to him. So for the first time on the most crutial night of my life, I'm here with the two dogs alone. But I feel better being alone and not making someone else miserable. I didn't call my mother today. I usually talk to her a minimum of twice a day and she looks forward to my calls. She doesn't talk to anyone else, or should I say no one else likes to be around her. My dad is like sewunique's dad very, very weak and afraid of losing my mom. He knew she emotionally and physcially abused us usually with brutal beatings that were directed at my brother. He did nothing, except for the time he got angry with my mom for beating the skin off my brother's back. That's the one and only time I heard him scold her. He didn't save us. So I now wonder if he ever walked in on her abusing me, or heard me crying in the bath? Did he know also? Did other family members know? Many have stepped forward to say how they felt so sorry for my brother because they'd see the bruises on him. But none of the adults saved us. When I saw this happening to my niece and nephew I got help for them. How can adults allow this to happen to innocent children? My mother has to know that she molested me. Maybe she thinks I don't remember. I am so angry. And I'm angry that I talked my Boyfriend into going out.

11:34 pm
November 6, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Oh God…

Of course they know…It was swept under the rug then…I do not know what your age is but I'm 46..And I do know that alot of ppl knew it and the sad thing is..*IT NEVER HAPPENED*!!! I'm sorry..I am struggling with this too…And I am angry too, that these sorry replacements for human beings took away our innocence and left us to deal with it. Yea..I'm mad, hurt, angry and alot of other emotions I have been dealing with for 30 Yrs…

You are not alone…

Thinking of you,
Sunny

4:04 am
November 7, 2004


free

Member

posts 372

struggling

they probably knew at some level. They did nothing not kuz they are evil, but because they felt powerless. They lived in denial.There are many reasons people live in denial. a common one is that confronting brings up past hurt. They knew, but were too afraid of conflict.

There's an underlying "I survived, so will they, if I keep quiet, just as I did in the past, but if I confront and cause a conflict, who knows what will happen"

It does not excuse inaction and you have a right to be angry. Somebody should have stepped in.

Nobody stepped in struggling. You survived all alone. That's why you are shutting your boyfriend out. You know how to survive alone.

Try leaning on him a little. You have nothing to lose. Worst that will happen, you'll end up alone. But you know how to survive alone. Yeah, you do. Everytime you tell your story, everytime it is brought up, you will become stronger. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, but you don't know that yet, not really.Secrecy and aloneness is what is familiar, and that's what you will tend to head towards. Just know that.

Sometimes it's easier to write a letter, or a note. You do not have to explain anything. A simple "honey, I'm dealing with a skeleton in my closet=my mom molested me and I'm not a happy camper right now- I'm confused, scared, angry, ashamed, none of these feelings are directed at you. all my energy right now is consumed in trying to deal with this, I can't be there for you right now. I need you to be there for me. By that I mean seeing my therapist to find out how to help me, kuz I don't have those answers right now. If you can't do that, it's okay. I just need that from you, and I felt it right to tell you so. You are probaly swamped with questions in your head. Please don't ask me about them, kuz right now, I either don't have the answer, or I don't know the answer, or I don't want to give you the answer, or I don't want to think about the answer. But this is what's going on. I feel like my world is upside down. Just upside down. I'm sure my therapist can help you deal with all the feelings you are having right now. I don't know that I can as I'm having a tough time dealing with my own. Know, honey, I care about you deeply."

Something like that.

Many times, when you start speaking out, people all around you come out of the woodwork. You are not as alone as you think. Believe it or not.

Sunnny, you hang tough too sweetie. Channel that anger to something productive- I bet you could clean that whole house top to bottom right now. Just be careful not to bump into cabinets with your head or turn too early into rooms. That smarts.

tylenol pm takes the edge off at night, as does Benadryl.

free

4:34 pm
November 7, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

Free and Sunny,
Sit down…… I did it. Now here's how I know I have a good man.
I was lying on the couch reading the print out from the link someone provided about female sex offenders. I had just gotten to a sentence about mother's disguising their abuse through bathing when the dogs jumped up and ran to the door. I got frightened because my boyfriend was going out with a buddy and I figured he hadn't even arrived at his house to pick him up. It was about 1 hour and minutes after he left. So I started calling his cellphone and guess what? He opened the door and walked in. I felt like a deer in the headlights. But I was glad to see him. I scrambled to hide the print outs I was reading. He asked if I wanted him to leave? He claimed he couldn't find his buddy. (Yeah likely story). He sad down on the couch with me and started watching Saturday Night Live which he hates. He got up and brought us two turkey legs. They were good. He asked me if I had something to tell him I told him in so many words I didn't trust him enough. It hurt his feelings and he said, "don't tell me then." The next thing I know it was 4:30am and we were both sleep on the couch. We put the dogs to bed and went to bed ourselves. He held me tight and told me it's time for me to talk to him. He said, "OK. I'll be your counselor right now." I told him. "I was molested" He asked by who, "My mother." "Huh?" (huge pause) He was shocked and during the conversation did like I would asked if my mother just wiped too hard. I told him that wasn't the case and he believed me. I told him everything. Also that now I realize why I always felt my brother was in love with my mother even though she brutally beat him. I also told him that when I was 12 and older siblings were 18 and 19 we were confused as to how my mother ended up getting pregnant, though she and my father didn't sleep together in the same room. It was just odd. And I remember just prior to the annoucement my father was allowed back into her bedroom. I heard rumblings that my sister wasn't my father's child and before her birth there was a huge debate on whether the baby would be put up for adoption. My little sister was born a few months later and my father just never seemed to care ANYTHING for her. And it's very obvious that my brother can't stand to even look at my little sister. He's seen her twice in 15 years.
After my sister's birth My mother started making comments like, my brother didn't do anything for her while she was pregnant. Shortly after when he went to work oneday she took all his things and threw them out the house. He had to find a place to live. Then she threw my father out the house. He did return, my brother moved out of state and got married. My mother refused to let any of us go. I saw the wedding pictures. The only person who stood in my brother's family picture was his best friend. He looked sooooo sad.
When I put it all together yesterday I realized there is a great possibility that my younger sister is my brother and mother's baby.
I do feel like a huge weight is off my shoulder. My boyfriend didn't treat me any different this morning. In fact he woke me up with a long, long back massage. He's gone to his office to do some repairs. I do feel better this morning.

12:21 am
November 8, 2004


free

Member

posts 372

Wow struggling, this is huge. Just huge.

You're on the road to freedom sweetie! Sounds like you have a really, really neat man. Your strength is amazing. Just amazing.

I'm just in awe. I envy you.

free

12:33 am
November 8, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

First of all, I thank you both for sharing, you free for always being here :-) It is huge struggling… I didn't say it but I wanted to say just tell him. I'm so glad you did! And I am even happier to hear he was so supportive. Gosh I'm in tears! Sorry…. I'm just so very thankful I read this post before I turn in!!! Can we get through this together? Because I really need to spill.. Maybe in another thread..All I can say at this point is this: Thank you!!! I'm here and sending my thoughts and prayers and friendship to you both! free….*this house is clean* Darn! I did suffer a bump or two, nothing bad.. Oh yes you were so right! I rested, then I got busy!!!

HUGS!!!!

Sunny

10:13 am
November 8, 2004


Cici

New Member

posts -1

Molestation and rape are extremely difficult to deal with. All in all it's just a subtype of post traumatic stress disorder, more than anything else. I am one of those control freaks who still does not speak of the details involved in the molestation or either of the rapes I experienced. I have blocked much of the memories out, although I get flashbacks and bits of memories every now and then I definately suppress them.

I'm glad that you found the links I posted useful. I wanted you to know that you are not alone, or weird, and many others have suffered or are suffering with you.

I began to deal with my past sexual traumas after the second time I was raped. It has been a long time, very hard, I have a lot of problems handling myself still. I still have to have clear shower curatins, which is kinda funny in a way…when I was younger I just used to peek around the shower curtain every few seconds while I showered.

Anyways, just take things one day at a time. That's how I live right now. It's really easy to end up in a chaotic mess if you try to handle too much too quick. I've had too many breakdowns.

I'm also scared of how I will be with my child (I am pregnant)…not in terms of molestation, but I have the very same rage issues and I DO NOT want to subject my child to my rage.

One thing that has bothered me for a long time is that my mother made me sleep in her bed until I was 12 years old and I did not like it. I was very ashamed of this and I've hid this for a long time. I wonder if that has had a big effect on me. I was also very close to my Mom, she was very dependent on me for a long time…but after I was raped the second time something snapped inside of me and I had a big fight with her and we didn't speak for a year. Since then things have been different, weird, and sometimes it seems like she's trying to buy my love back. But she can't there is something very bitter between us now, and always will be, and I'm also terrified of her in many ways, still….

Anyways, thanks for bringing this up. Apparently it struck a chord in many folks.

12:45 pm
November 8, 2004


kathygy

New Member

posts -1

struggling, It sounds like you have a wonderful bf there. Its great that you could tell him and he was there for you. I attended the 12-step program, adult children of alcoholics for over 18 years. You don't have to have an alcohlic parent just a dysfunctional one to attend. Over the years I heard so many people share about being molested I was suprised how common it is. Two of my closest friends were molested by their mothers. Another very close friend was molested by her brother and another one by her sister. It helped them a lot to share about it at meetings and get it outside of theirselves. There is so much support there. I wonder if that might help you. Something to consider.

2:04 pm
November 8, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Hi Struggling,

Thank you so very much for having the courage to talk about this on these forums. There is lots of talk about men/child sexual abuse, but very little talk about women/child abuse.

When I was a child, it always hurt when my mom bathed me and so I learned at a young age to do it on my own. I have never pondered the reasons my mother did this, and so I find it helpful that through you, I am being blessed with an opportunity to think, learn, and grow.

I also have some experience in supporting (mostly women and children) who have been victims of sexual abuse.

Struggling, I think you are in a particularly unique situation for a number of reasons. First, you are addressing mother/daughter sexual abuse. That appears to be a rare thing, although it may appear so simply because not many daughters are strong enough to speak up about what their mothers did to them.

I also think your situation is unique in that what your mother did to you was a very intricate blend of physical and sexual abuse.

I have known of many cases where an abused woman would shower or bathe excessively. They will use too much soap, harsh scrubbing rags, and scalding hot water but they never feel clean as they can't "wash" the abuse away. I feel that while your mother was perpetrating abuse on you, she was punishing you for her abuse by causing you such excruciating pain. I get the feeling that when you were bathing the dog as a child and you "abused" it, that you felt more angry at the dog for being weak and defenseless than you felt sexually aroused. You may not have felt sexually aroused at all. You may have just been in a rage about how you were treated.

I believe that your unemployment, your bond with your boyfriend, and the fact that he has a 10 year old daughter are all extremely significant points in your life right now. The universe, God, (or however you see such things) is placing you in a perfect space to deal with this traumatic experience. It will be the most difficult and rewarding journey of your life and I hope beyond hope that you will one day find within yourself the ability to put your journey in writing for others.

You have already blessed me beyond measure by giving me an opportunity to embrace my past, and alter any relationships as I see fit.

Thank you once again for your courage.

Respectfully,

Ren'ai

2:12 pm
November 8, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

Well….I woke up today. That's all I can say is that I woke up. Yesterday I took Tylenol PMs so I could sleep. My BF had to go to his office as I mentioned. As soon as I popped the pills he called and asked if I was depressed. I told him I was. He wanted to take me out for dinner I declined. Later in the evening he brought me a nice meal from the deli of the supermarket up the street. I was so low at points yesterday I couldn't even cry. Last night I kept remember more and more about how at the end of my bath I would start crying and my mother would get angry and tell me to shut up and then molest me. I understand now why I hated to take baths. My mother is a sick woman. I still haven't called her. But I did something good Sunny. I sent the overdue balance to my counselor and asked her if I can come back. I don't care how much it costs I'm going back, weekly. Heck I don't pay rent, I can pay to get rid of my emotional baggage. I know she'll say yes. Also I have a week's worth of Zoloft left and refills left. I'm going to call the pharmacist to find out how much they cost without insurance. I hope I can afford it. I have to do something to get off this low until I can get through it professionally.

10:22 pm
November 8, 2004


Guest

posts

struggling-

Hello, I'm glad to hear that you have found your guy to be supportive. That is such good news.

Again, it was hard to come back to this thread for me, but maybe it's important for me to read what you write- so thank you.

Renai- it's true that there isn't as much about female incest/rape. That's part of the shame, i think, that there is almost a built in understanding that men are capable of these things against their daughters- but mothers or grandmothers somehow it seems less believable to me, even tho I know better. maybe it just doesn't seem like something that anyone would understand to a kid. yet fathers pull the "daddy's pretty girl" thing and somehow they are able to coerce girls into submission. ugh. some of this is more psychological than physical, and in the end that can be equally as damaging. there's no trying to rationalize it. none of it makes sense. i'm not making sense because what i say is tainted by my own experience. everyone's experience is different I guess, and everyone has different reasons for feeling the way they do.

that is very interesting about what you say about women not feeling clean enough unless they scrub. I know that feeling, I don't scrub until pain- but I never feel clean. I really don't know what to do, I know I must talk again about this, but I feel so alone right now I don't think I can go through it by myself. I'm on the verge of not being able to cope as it is.

struggling…i am sending you well wishes and hope you keep posting.

-ella

2:56 am
November 9, 2004


free

Member

posts 372

this is a cool support thread. Remember that healing is two steps forward, one step back. It's a journey. Like peeling an onion- there are layers.

ella, I've seen you on different threads and your comments about having a tough time coping concerns me. Hugs to all

free

9:16 am
November 9, 2004


Cici

New Member

posts -1

struggling, don't force yourself to confront your mother until you feel ready. It takes a long time to process this stuff, especially stuff that you've kept on lock-down for so many years.

2:14 pm
November 9, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Hi everyone,

I want to say, without giving a lot of detail, that I was molested as a child and my abuser was also a female. I can't believe I'm writing about this but oh well…

It took me about 2.5 years of therapy to work through that abuse. It doesn't go away. It doesn't get "easier". What happened for me was I discovered that by sharing my story with others, and by seeking a formal education in the area of social change, I can make a bit of a difference for others. This lends some credibility to my idea that I can turn this ugly abuse into something fruitful.

Less than a week ago I was "triggered" for the first time ever. My partner and I were about to make love and she was basically just going to get right to business. I flipped out. I realized that when I was abused, the perp was already in a state of sexual arousal so when the abuse happened, she just wanted to get straight to it. I hadn't ever thought about it before–for my perp, adding me to the mix was almost an afterthought or something. I wasn't "needed" until she was sexually "ready" for me.

Goddamn, I know this must be hard for some people to read because I'm having a really hard time writing it!

There was no "grooming." You know, with male perps there is a lot of talk about "grooming." Grooming is really a therapeutic word for seduction. Usually male perps will seduce their victims which makes it very confusing for them because the seduction part feels good. They are getting special attention and affection. They are getting gifts, and praise. They are also getting alarmed because while all these pleasantries are occuring, the perp is physically becoming more and more inappropriate. The actions of the perp are very inconsistent. I digress, I suppose because I got nervous.

At any rate, my perp would just be direct, tell me what to do and that was that. When my loving partner took the driver's seat during our love making, I got flipped out. I was, thankfully, able to identify what triggered me and why. We talked it through while she held me close to her. I'm amazed I even knew I was "triggered" since it never happened to me before but in a way I'm glad. In fact, I told my partner "thank you" because this, for me, marks the coming of more growth and learning.

It will be a painful struggle, but I know I can get through it. After all, I've managed to get this far!

I am more thankful today than yesterday for this thread. And I am so very grateful for those of you who could come to this difficult thread and offer your support and share your story. I guess sometimes I forget how alone I feel when it comes to my sexual abuse issues.

Love to all,

Ren'ai

4:21 pm
November 9, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Hi All,

From the strength and support I have seen here and from the encouragement of someone very special to me, I think I can now tell my story. Please bear with me. This will be hard. I grew up in a very strict military family, my mom was finally diagnosed as a paranoid/schitz and my dad was basically a bully marine who inflicted emotional, mental and physical abuse on all of us. To say the very least, I was painfully shy because my mother sheltered me and I would cry if anyone looked at me wrong. So my early years some of which are still blocked were very confusing. I think I was around 12 or so when the brother 2 years older than me forced me into my bedroom closet and ..Whew..this is hard..Because I didn't know any better, he raped me. I remember it hurting, I remember him talking to me I remember him threatening me. I cried every night for weeks because in our house children were to be seen not heard. And no speaking unless spoken to. So my sister would ask every night what was wrong and I told her "J" hurt me but that is all I could say. I still remember her holding my hand or just hugging me. She didn't understand either, but she was there. This happened 2 or 3 more times, once in the bathtub. You see, my mothers way of teaching us 2 girls about menstruation and sex was hand us a pamphlet and a box of kotex…Ugh..I don't remember why he quit, fear of impregnating me I suppose (makes me want to puke now) and I'm not real good at telling things like this but thats about the best I can do. I felt dirty, I was confused, ashamed, threatened I suppose all the feelings someone would feel in a like situation. I have been in and out of therapy since 1989 and every single shrink or whatever you want to call them (I had every kind) said, are you sure your father didn't also do this? Shit! I could never figure that one out. No, my father didn't. So, to this day I despise my brother and I always will. Not only for what he did, but for the fact that well, two things actually. One, I told my mom about it about 7 yrs ago, he denied it she believes him and GD that sure is a hard one to swallow and two, my youngest daughter graduated HS in 2000. I was in the throes of my anxiety disorder. I was still very nearly housebound, well I had not traveled out of town in a very long time. My daughter was graduating 2 hrs away so I gave it everything I had to not miss that, NOTHING was going to stop me from seeing her graduate. And I made it. Went and sat in the bleachers with her dad, cried when she looked up and saw her mama there in the front row no less..It was just wonderful…Until, walking out to the parking lot, I heard someone call my name. Gee, how could I EVER forget that voice? It was him…He had the freaking nerve to come there!!!! I just looked at him and the gal he was hanging on and marched my butt outta there. It very nearly ruined the day for me. But, I didn't let it. I just kept on. I'm not over this, I don't know if I ever will be. So when I say you are not alone. all of us here, I mean it. I'm right here with you.
Thank you for being here!

Hugs,

Sunny

11:49 pm
November 9, 2004


mj

New Member

posts -1

(((((((((Sunny))))))))))))
I hear your pain and I care.

11:51 pm
November 9, 2004


art angel

New Member

posts -1

(((((((Sunny)))))))
(((((Strugling))))))
(((((Ren'ai)))))))

Wow. You are ALL such strong women. I so much respect and love for each of you.

This is a hard topic for me too, not because of personal experience with abuse, but of something that happened long before I was born that affected my father to such a degree that his best friend told me he's completely different now. I may have to share the story later…

Much LOVE and lots and lots of hugs and support,

art angel

11:56 pm
November 9, 2004


art angel

New Member

posts -1

((((((Cici)))))))

ok, hugs to everyone :) –wishing everyone a good night too.

love,

art angel

12:55 am
November 10, 2004


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Hi Struggling,

You can actually receive your Zoloft for free.

Here is the phone number for Pfizer (they make Zoloft): 1-866-766-3700.

Now, this particular program will provide it to you at 1/2 off, but there is another program – that about 95% of the population does not know about.

If you cannot afford your medications, due to low income, unemployment, whatever the situation – actually, you can make up to $60,000 per year and still qualify for these programs, this is what you have to do.

Contact the drug manufacturer. Tell them that you need to speak with the department that handles medications for those that cannot afford them. They will then connect you to the proper department, and you will be asked a series of questions, just general, name, address, what are you taking, possibly your social security number and date of birth. They will then send you the paperwork to get this started, and you just have to fill it out. You will then take the paperwork to your Dr. so he can sign off on it, and he will have to give you an original prescription for 12 months.

Each company is a little different (I did this for my husband's grandmother and my mom). Some of them will issue you a card that you present to the pharmacy and you receive your medications at no charge at your local pharmacy. Some will send them to you monthly, or quarterly, it just depends on the company and the medication.

You might also see if your counselor will see you on a sliding scale. If he/she won't then contact your local United Way and ask them for the number to Family Guidance. They will see you on a sliding scale, sometimes even for free.

I hope this helps you… good luck.

Z.

9:52 am
November 10, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Thank you mj, art angel,Iam!! Your support and words of comfort and understanding help so much! Ren'ai:

I feel like such an ass! I'm so sorry I did not respond to your post, I did read it and I don't know if we were posting at the same time or that I just knew that I had to get it out RIGHT THEN or what but I wanted you to know that after reading it again, I hope you know I can certainly empathise with you.I, too am grateful for everyone who has come to this thread because it has been difficult, but also I'm hoping now that because of all this, we can begin our journey towards healing!
And yes we will get through it because we have made it this far!!!

Hugs to all the very strong, caring and loving women on this thread!

Sunny

1:23 pm
November 10, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Sunny,

No need to apologize. It's important that you put your stuff out there, and I hope you will again if the need arises. There is this cool thread going called "What I really want to say to you" and that thread has been very helpful to me as well.

Thank you for posting your story. Your strength will bless others.

Love,

Ren'ai

2:31 pm
November 10, 2004


workinonit

New Member

posts -1

sunny and all of you, I am as ever respectfully and lovingly…………
silent with tears.

(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

11:46 pm
November 10, 2004


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Hi Struggling,

I'm hoping that you were able to contact Pfizer regarding your Zoloft.

Good luck,

Z.

12:50 am
November 11, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Hmmmmmm….

1:48 am
November 11, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

My last post…

Thank you workin, and Ren'ai! May the very best here on this earth be given you, and with all my heart I wish you peace and happiness.

Sunnygrl


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