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My mother molested me

UserPost

3:26 pm
November 5, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

I'm a 34-year-old woman and last night I finally admitted to myself that my mother did in fact molest me when I was a child. She did it when she bathed me. Instead of filling up the tub and bathing me, she'd make me stand in the tub and run the water from the faucet instead of the shower.
I would scream and cry thinking all the while she was rubbing me too hard to make sure I was clean. Or that it was the soap burning my private parts. I realize now that washing a kid with a washrag can't burn the opening to your vagina.
I discovered (not accepted) this with my counselor but shortly after, Ilost my job and insurance and had to quit. I had been very close to my mother up until today. Now I'm not so sure I can ever call her again. She has severe undiagnosed mental problems. I suspect if I confronted her she'd kill herself.
There were signs though. My brother molested me by rubbing his genitals on mine when I was 8. I bet my mother molested him also. Also none of my siblings seem to care about my mother at all. They all moved far away and rarely if ever call. I was the only one who was still here for my mother. Maybe because she molested them in the bathtub also. In addition to this, my sister lost custody of her children, one of the allegations is that she sexually abused my nephew when he was a baby. I also remember my mother taking a nude picture of me when I was about 5 years-old and I remember about 10 years ago thinking it was very bizarre that she videotaped my best friend's 3 month old baby boy as she bathed him. When my friend stopped bringing him over for my mother to babysit him, she got so depressed I thought I was going to have to take her to the hospital. I know she thinks we don't remember what she did to us. But I do remember. I will get another job and insurance so that I can get counselling before I have children. I don't want to do that to my kids. When I was younger I molested a friend's puppy I was bathing. By the time she came to get the dog, it was bleeding. This is the first time I've realized just how screwed up I am.

3:45 pm
November 5, 2004


mj

New Member

posts -1

I just wanted to offer love and support during this trying time. I am sure you are feeling lots of emotions and I am really sorry that you have been abused.

3:50 pm
November 5, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

You know MJ, I'm a professional writer and that was the hardest thing I've ever written. I wonder if I'm the only girl in the world molested by her mother? I have never met any female molested by her mother. I wish I could cry.

3:54 pm
November 5, 2004


mj

New Member

posts -1

Sometimes facing reality is the hardest thing we do.

I admire you for wanting to heal yourself. Please know that you are not the only one who has suffered at the dysfunction of their family…male or female. Hope that you can find a counselor and job to help you get through this ordeal.

4:05 pm
November 5, 2004


Cici

New Member

posts -1

Molestation in general is difficult to accept and to overcome. In my experience, although the perps of the molestation and rapes in my case were men, you learn to cope with the trauma, and uncovering it is probably one of the most difficult times, emotionally….but it does pass.

You are strong. If you are interested in general information on female sex abusers, there is a lot more out there now. Although it has been believed to be rare, the National Incidence Study figures suggest that almost half of the sexual experiences of children included a female perpetrator. Check out this link – but only if you feel up to it. If reading it makes up feel shakey, disoriented, anxious, or tense, please discontinue immediately and distract yourself with a pleasant activity. this is also a good article.

Aphrodite Matsakis wrote a great book that I am still going through called "I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors" – it deals with PTSD recovery.

The important thing is to take everything one day at a time. Good luck and keep posting….

5:44 pm
November 5, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

I'm printing it out so I can read it. I think I realized it when I went into a rage last night toward my Boyfriend. I threw a wine glass and shattered it. I was supposedly mad about him making the dogs get into a fight. He really hadn't meant for them to fight and I knew it. He also put his cold hand on my back and jokingly after I kept teasing him threw a small amount of water on me. Things he's done several times, but this time I went off. I was trying to get the car keys so I could leave at midnight to go no where in my pjs. Thank God he's in human services and teaches conflict resolution to abusive men. He calmed me down. Held me and told me he loved me and showered me with kisses until I past out. I woke up having a nightmare and told him that something really bad happened to me when I was a kid. I asked him not to press and he didn't. I told him I'd tell him when I get stronger. The thing is he wants to marry me and he has a 10-year-old daughter, and I know he wouldn't understand. I also know that my mother molested me while bathing me, the last time when I was about 9-years-old I think I told her to stop or that I could wash myself. She'd never be in a position to molest my boyfriend's daughter. I'm also very careful with his daughter. I've started teaching her to be private with her body. Like not using the bathroom with the door open or changing clothes infront of her father. I won't even go in the bathroom if she's in it, I'm not consciously afraid I'll harm her, but sometimes I wonder if I go overboard with making her change in private etc.? I've never molested or had the desire to molest anyone and I bathed both my niece and sister who were much younger than I. I'm just hurt my mother would do this. I know she remembers. Now I wonder if she molested my baby sister the same way? I don't recall hearing my sister cry when my mother bathed her. And now I wonder who molested my mother? I once asked her if she'd been molested because my grandmother in her younger years had many, many, men come through and my mother was a beautiful child, and she said, If she had been molested she wouldn't tell it. I don't want the cycle to continue.

5:51 pm
November 5, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

I think you are doing the proper steps. You have recognized a problem and are doing what you can. Be easy on yourself, you have just discovered something horrific, and finding the support for your boyfriend will help you. I think that you being in therapy is a good thing, and I also think that your reactions are normal for someone who has just found out they were molested. You have a great strength to have come this far. IT is hard thing, and I will never be able to understand what you go through, but anyone is always here to support you and talk.

6:04 pm
November 5, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

I'll have to self monitor my progress. As I mentioned I'm out of work and getting unemployment. A lot of it has to do with my rage. The same rage my mother would inflict on my father. She'd throw glasses, knives, shoot at him in fact she'd throw or do anything when she was angry. It's amazing none of us got killed. She did beat the skin off my brother's back several times for things like loosing his coat or getting a bad grade. When she got mad there was not telling what she'd do. I think this is what triggered my acceptance that I my mother was molesting me when she was bathing me. I frightened myself last night. And since I've been out of work I've had a lot of time to be by myself and to think until my Boyfriend gets off work. Boy this is some heavy stuff. I searched the net for a site by typing in mother and abuse and baths and this is where I ended up. I had a high profile job, so going for free counseling in my area isn't a possibility, as say a church. Someone would recognize me and that would magnify things for me right now. I want to get insurance so I can go back to my old counselor, or make enough money for the $100 per hour visits. I was getting better and making progress. Wonder if I should tell my boyfriend when he gets in from work today?

9:05 pm
November 5, 2004


Guest

posts

struggling-

It was very hard for me to continue to read your thread because i have a very similar past with my grandmother. I've only barely touched upon it in therapy and that was a long time ago. I remember casually mentioning something to my mom about how i always hated when my grandmother (her mom) bathed us because "it would hurt and burn down there." (sound familiar?). My mother absolutely FLIPPED. So it touched a nerve. Big time. It's hard for me to remember what happened after that because I think once I got the feeling she was upset (and I figured why) I realized the implication and tried to steer the conversation in a different direction. It's just too scary. My mother never did anything like that to us, and no have I had such impulses. But I guess this is something I should still confront… it just makes my head spin. My grandmother is dead, so it should make it easier, but it's just so creepy. Especially when I think of what my mother and my aunt might have gone through growing up with that woman. My grandmother's cousins (men) also lived with them and were drinkers, one a severe alcoholic. God knows what those guys were like to live with.

My grandmother might have exercised a lot more self control with us than she did with her own kids cause she knew she might get "caught." It's just real hard to put these things in perspective. I start imagining how all these horrible things could have gone on in my family and I get sick.

Another possibility is that I think, maybe it wasn't sexual for her at all… maybe I just remember it in hindsight as traumatic and embarrassing. Any input on that anyone?

I'm sorry you had this happen to you as well, but I'm glad you spoke about it. It might be something I need to bring up in therapy.

keep posting
-ella

9:06 pm
November 5, 2004


Guest

posts

ps
to this day i NEVER take baths. ONLY showers.

9:24 pm
November 5, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

Well I went through the same thing, wondering if I was abused by my mother with my counselor. Or if I was just allergic to the soap or she didn't know that wiping so deep hurt. I even told her I was going to try in the shower the next time to see if wiping hard would hurt. My counselor told me not to do that. And I realized that when I bathed my niece and sister I never wiped too hard. Why would anyone wipe a child in their privates until it hurt. I remember after baths I couldn't sit down and was sore. I think when a child is old enough to remember baths they can bathe themselves. I don't know any 9-year-olds who can't bathe themselves. I think I finally made her stop when I was 9. I can't recall how, but I remember she went to bath me for church and she got angry at me that day and the bath was cut short. I think you should bring the subject back up with your counselor. Because if an adult woman doesn't know that something is wrong if she's wiping a child to hard while bathing them, why didn't she rub your back until it hurt or tie a baby's bib so tight they past out?

9:35 pm
November 5, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

My mother just called me to say hello. I thought it was odd because I always call her first at least twice a day. I guess I was sort of quiet so after an awkward pause she said, "I didn't want anything I just called." I realize then that I'm the only person who calls her. None of her sisters call, my dad doesn't talk to her because she treats him so cruelly and my niece who moved with my parents after my sister lost custody stays locked in her bedroom because my mother treats her cruelly. She never bathed my niece, thank God. I'm really the only person who hasn't turned on her. Lately she says she hasn't been able to sleep. She says she wakes up every hour. Wonder if it's her conscious? As I open my mind to this horrible ordeal I now remember once when she had drank too much that she tried to kiss me in the mouth. I was about 20. I just excused it as her having too much to drink and her wanting to kiss me as her daughter and forgetting that I was grown woman. Geez. I just don't know if I can bear to remember anymore today. I'm going to self medicate with Vodka. I don't drink, but I can't handle this right now. My Boyfriend is working late. I'm cooking a nice dinner. Fish, rice pasta and salad. Can't wait for him to get here. I can't tell him tonight. I'm hurting. Oh and with my mother. I had a normal conversation with her and told her I loved her when I said bye. She said she'll call me back tonight. I won't answer.

9:36 pm
November 5, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Struggling..Welcome.

ella, thank you…I don't know what to say and am actually ashamed I did not want to open this thread when I first saw it. It opens old wounds that I have yet to deal with. Struggling, please do not think I mean anything by my saying that. I am very glad that you came here and found the courage to trust and to share. It is my own issue and you probably just helped me more than I can say. I hope that you will continue to post here. You have come to a wonderful place.

Sunny

10:05 pm
November 5, 2004


Guest

posts

wow..struggling…wow… your counselor pretty much echoed statement's i've heard as well… there's no reason why bathing should hurt a child… i don't remember this happening when my own mother bathed us. My grandmother was abusive in other ways, as I'm sure your mother was as well.

I don't even want to open the can of worms I've had to deal with with my dad. We are on very good terms today and I don't even want to think about that mess… but there were problems there as well. No wonder my mother refused to go to family therapy after a while and was so deeply depressed. No wonder that though her mother lived with us, she refused to go back to work. Maybe in the back of her mind, she didn't want her mother in charge of us or with us any more than she was.

I don't know… how much attention do we pay to this and/or should we just stay in the present?

-ella

10:08 pm
November 5, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

Thank you Sunny,
I hope that all of you will keep me in check because right now I'm not a very nice person. I'm out of work, but not low on funds. My boyfriend insisted I move in with him. I pay no rent, but it's working because I sneak and pay all his utility bills. I also cook. He's been a bachelor so long he loves coming home to the elobrate meals I fix. We have two dogs. So far I haven't molested them. (Dark humor but hey I'm going through it) So if I get out of line, please let me know. I posted to a woman in an abusive relationship and I really got what I deserve from others in here. I was hard on her, but we need all types of people for the world to go around. Well I'm getting off until tomorrow when my BF goes back to work. I don't want him to know yet. I did print out the stuff someone suggest I read. I'll read it when he's asleep. He's real protective of his daughter, I'm just afraid he'll think I'll hurt her. I would never hurt a child. Never. But I'm hoping that soon you'll tell me about your wound. Mabye it will help to put a scab on mine. We can do it together. Why is it more painful to admit my mother molested me, than to say my brother did? Because men are supposed to be bad? Gotta go he'll be here any minute.

11:09 pm
November 5, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Struggling,

Mine was not a female but male. It still hurts…Hope to hear from you tomorrow …ella, I hear you..Personally? I probably should tell my story here as I have not yet. I think after so many years of stuffing it that if I continue to do so ella, I may never be truly free. Right now, that is what I feel…

Hugs,

Sunny

11:38 pm
November 5, 2004


Guest

posts

It's supposed to be healthier to talk about such things. Especially in a therapuetic setting. It just scares me. I don't like how it makes me feel about my childhood. And members of my family (mostly dead). It's just overwhelming. Better to talk about it here than to internalize it and think you are insane for perceiving things incorrectly. Struggling, I can't tell you what a cord you struck with me.

You want to hear something fucked up? Now that I'm talking about this I'm getting really paranoid 'cause my folks know that I'm online for help in codependency issues. My imagination goes wild and I picture them getting curious and googling to find out what I'm doing on here at all hours (they IM me… yes even at 35 my parents are pretty intrusive… my fault for allowing it…fortunately…i have aol names they don't know). So how sick is all that? This is how I get when I think about those things.

Did you ever read the book PUSH? I'm in no way comparing my situation to the one in that book, but after I read it I had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for depression. Very telling.

The reason why it's easier to talk about being molested by your male relatives (for me it was too) is because it is less taboo… there are all these weird homophobic notions (not that you or i are homophobic) ingrained in our culture that fosters the ridiculous notion that molestation of a child by one sex is any more "inappropriate" than the other. Same sex molestation is no more monsterous than opposite sex molestation- they are both equally horrendous. But, knowing how these things would be received if we were to discuss them with unenlightened individuals makes one extremely uncomfortable to say "it was mom" instead of "dad." If you are unfortunate enough to be able to make the comparison, you know what I mean. I'm not expressing myself right here, I hope I'm not upsetting anyone because of that.

-ella

11:41 pm
November 5, 2004


Guest

posts

Sunny-

Yeah, in a way we may never truly be free because something has been taken from us that cannot truly be restored. Not to sound like a cliche but it's true.

-ella

11:50 pm
November 5, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

This thread may just be a blessing in disguise… Maybe if we can possibly talk further about it ella? I'm pondering this. My heart and my head, in fact my whole being is screaming out at this point in time. Why is this so hard to talk about? I did it with all my therapists (Such as some were)…Why do we have to carry this burden? I didn't ask to be molested/Raped… It's been 30 plus years now. I'm thinking…

Goodnight ella and I do hope you rest well. I'm going to try!

Hugs,

Sunny

11:53 pm
November 5, 2004


Guest

posts

Good night.

5:20 am
November 6, 2004


sewunique

New Member

posts -1

Struggling,

It is 4:30 AM and I can't sleep. So I came back here. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am glad you had the courage to post your new discovery and some of your feelings; many are still bottled up, I am sure. This is a tough time for you and many feelings will change and come and go as you go through this process.

I wish you comfort and support and send many hugs to you. I know I do not have the right words as others here do, but I wish you the best, as
you deal with this.

I understand the traumatic event you have discovered. Perhaps it is a blessing (?) to find out now to work on this than wait until you're in your fifties or so. And you have wonderful friends here with support and resources.

Shamefully, and I am sorry, I saw your thread, but had to pass it up until I was ready, as just reading it brought back my own memories and my stomach just turned flip flop over and over. I'm sorry I can't share more about it right now.

Please take care of yorself, give yourself a big hug, be good to yourself. You are a special person and strong. You will get thru this!

4:13 pm
November 6, 2004


brendalee

New Member

posts -1

Struggling,
I too had a real hard time opening this thread and reading. Your are SO strong….you have no idea how strong you are being by posting your story with such honesty! (I feel like I am trying to float and "split off" as I read all of ya'll's post.) I don't really think the grave and long-term impact impact of being sexually abused has really been able to surface in most societies because it IS so taboo and unthinkable. Like the elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge…..thanks for sharing you brave soul you. Go easy, go gentle wtih yourself please.

5:00 pm
November 6, 2004


struggling

New Member

posts -1

I'm back but my boyfriend will be back soon, so I might have to cut this short. He woke me up early this morning with Starbucks and a cinnamon coffee cake in bed. He also put on the movie Joan of Arc and told me it was his favorite movie. He is a counselor, though not certified with a degree. However I now wonder if he did it on purpose. I had never seen the movie and he said it was his favorite. I was just a few minutes into it as he got ready to go counsel abusive men at the county jail as he does for free every Saturday. I stopped the movie and asked him to sit down. I thanked him for not pushing me. I asked him what he'd do if remembered someone did something so horrible to him when he was a child, he knew they would commit suicide if I confronted them about it? He looked at me and said he didn't know what he'd do. Then he hugged me and asked me to tell him what happened. I was doubled over in tears. Excuse the typos I'm trying to write this before he gets here. He told me to tell him and he started guessing. He asked if I had been raped. The answer was no. Because not even my brother penetrated me. He guessed my brother. I told him no. and then I asked him to stop. He did. He went to work. The whole while I felt it coming to the surface. I cried, got angry with God, turned on TBN, then I got a headache. He called a few minutes ago and I tried to lie that I wasn't crying. He demanded to know what was wrong. I told him I couldn't say it over the phone. He's on his way. I dont know if I'll tell him. But maybe I'm just paranoid, but I started responding on my laptop yesterday and today when I went to log back in on the my laptop it told me I needed to disable my cookies. I thought it was odd and wondered if the site owner is trying to find out who I am through my IP address. Last night i didn't have to enable my cookies and today I do?????? So I;'m using someone else's computer that was left at my boyfriends home for safe keeping. Is n't that odd. But for the record. I'm a Christian and I would never do anythin gto hurt anyone, not even myself.
I'll be back. I hurt so bad today. I'm going to do my hair and makeup and try to look better than I feel. Will you all pray for me. please. I don't know if I ccan tell my boyfriend as one of you mentioned I don't want him to think I'd hurt his daughter. You know how homophobia is. And it's his responsibility to protect his child. I would be crushed because I keep her often. In fact I'll be keeping her for two weeks during the day at his home in a few weeks. Will he be afraid that I'll harm her?

5:24 pm
November 6, 2004


free

Member

posts 372

hi struggling

This is such a tough time for you- wanted to offer my support- I'm over here rootin' for ya.

to answer a question you had- you think it would be easier to say your brother or father molested you kuz they are not the ones who did it, not kuz they are male. It's easier to talk about it when we are talking about somebody else doing it kuz the feelings of shame and betrayal are not present as strongly. It's actually quite common for people to name different perps other than the actual when they first start healing. Sometimes, survivors never name the actual perp-and never relate actual details, it's a way of maintaining control over the pain kept inside. It also maintains safety in the sense that the pain won't become annihilating.

You're very wise for dealing with all of this. That stuffed hurt-betrayal-shame- It bleeds out into our lives, and until we begin to heal, we really can't see just how much it bleeds out. Abuse is interchangeable, physical-emotional-sexual. So even if you never molest a child, you could be prone to abuse physically or emotionally. It's a purge- like vomiting- it's stuffed inside you and when you perpetrate, it goes to somebody else-away, out. But it doesn't really go way, and doesn't really come out, the feelings re-emerge kuz they never got dealt with, and so perping occurs again. You don't want that obviously. Some people are abused and never perp. These few are able to keep it inside and move through life separated from the abuse. they are transcenders. And they are only 1-3 % of all people abused.

In time, this will become a part of you and you won't feel so ashamed that it is.

It's okay to love your mother and hate what she did.It's okay if you choose to never have anything to do with her again. It's okay to hate her. It's okay to confront her but don't try that without your therapist's guidance. It's okay to keep talking to her and maintaining contact. She can't molest you anymore. But she can instill tremendous feelings of guilt and shame it she knows you are beginning to deal with this, as right now you're pretty vulnerable- a part of you is very vulnerable to suggestions from her, so be aware of that.

Your feelings are okay struggling. They are yours and they are okay. They only want a voice. They want to be heard. Right now it sounds like a train wreck kuz ya said okay, I;'m listening, and they're telling ya like a volcano erupting.

The volcano subsides as you give these feelings a voice and yourself validation for having them.

You have a right to feel angry, hurt, sad, confused, overwhelmed, enraged, disgusted, anything- you have that right.

You have that right kuz you are a human being. You would grant that right to anybody else I'm sure. So grant it to yourself.

Hang in there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel

free

5:38 pm
November 6, 2004


sewunique

New Member

posts -1

Struggling,

You have come so FAR to be at this time, this moment in your life! when we are ready, things resurface that otherwise remain bottled up deep inside to protect ourselves.

Free, said this so beautifully and explained so well, I am going to let her words remain with me. No way ii could say it better.

Please let me share this with you: never did I think I could acknowledge my own problems with my mother, and my father was the enabler; weak and scared of losing her. But, it did happen where I can acknowledge and heal from it. The scars are there still, but I was able to forgive both my parents, love them, yet do not like their weaknesses and what they put we 4 siblings through.

Bottom line, we are here for you, you are working on it. You are strong and I send you hugs and prayers. =)


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