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My husband's sex is terrible
June 26, 2007
1:15 am
kenyatta
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Hello,

I have been married for 6 years. I love my life. We have two beautiful kids. My husband has a nice job in which he makes a lot of money. He is a great father and husband. He is totally faithful to me. I love my job also. I love my husband so much. There is one big problem though. He has gained a little weight, and so have I, and he has been put on this low dose high blood pressure medicine. The main problem is that our sex is terrible. He does not seem to last long. He ejaculates fairly quickly. His penis is not very big. It is not extremly small; it just is not big. Sometimes he cannot even hold an erection if he is really tired. I have told him many times that I am not happy with our sex. I am having dreams and desires of my ex-boyfriend. I really want to have sex with him.. He was great in bed, but he was not a good person.

I feel bad for having these feeling. I don't know what to do. I don't want to divorce my husband when everything else os perfect.

I am real need of advice.

June 26, 2007
1:18 am
helpplease
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sex can improve. don't cheat. go work out together, have him take vitamins or the blue pill. sex can get better. put some time and effort into it.

June 26, 2007
1:35 am
bevdee
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Kenyatta,

He could check with his dr. and tell him that the meds are decreasing his libido. Alot of those BP meds do. He can probably get it changed. He may be embarassed to admit this to his physician, but maybe if you impress on him the importance of expressing your love for each other physically, he will be able to discuss it.

To check the side effects of any drug, try http://www.drugs.com.

Also- there is a natural viagra of sorts called L-Argnine that will boost his libido, but check with the person at the health food store to see if his current meds are ok to take with this enzyme. A friend of mine raves about this, saying it is a real boost to her sex life. Your man should be able to get and keep an erection if he takes it.

June 26, 2007
1:39 am
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Kenyatta-

Aw, don't be harsh with yourself. But stay true to your love for your husband. These things can change, and/or you can find ways to cope with them using sensual and erotic techniques. You may have to change your practices a little... slow things down for him... have him please you first and in other ways before you get to him, etc. Sometimes it is so hard to talk to our partners about these things because they get so hurt and defensive. But if you can communicate lovingly that is a lot of the work right there. There may be many solutions especially since you love him so much.

I had an ex who NEVER improved in bed. He was insensitive to my needs and hurt me (he was getting heavier and he didn't know how to balance his weight). He never cared what made me feel good. And I just gave up on him for that an other reasons. I don't think you are in that unfortunate place. You love this man. Please don't act on your urges to rekindle with the ex. The ex is an ex for a reason. As you know from my thread, I am dealing with this as well.

However, your thoughts are your own. Do not share your fantasies about your ex with your husband thinking it will make you feel less guilty. This will cause irreprable damage to his feelings and your relationship. YOu are aloud your private thoughts.

-ella

June 26, 2007
7:04 am
taj64
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As long as you love your husband and keep things in perspective, look at the overall picture, it is fine. Nothing in life is 100 percent perfect. Sex, yes is wonderful but it is not the most important factor. You seem to have the whole package but that. That is a blessing and anyone would be grateful to be in your shoes, not to say you are not but so many other seek what you have. Like you said he has wonderful qualities. I realize the size of it might seem like the problem but it is what you do with it that counts. Making love is not just about the penis and the erection. You can have a satisfying sex life if you add more spice to it. Make love, not just sex. Try new things, take more time, make it sensual as possible. IT is quality that counts not quantity. I think it is ok to fantasize sometimes and in my opinion it is ok in my book as long as you have control over what you do with it and not acting on it. The frustration of it must be awful for you but I think if the two of you talk about how you can improve it and not make each other feel bad and focus on what brought you together, rekindle, you will not feel so badly that he is not performing to your needs. Maybe something is going on with him too. Talk and share and you'd be surprised. Break the wall. And good luck.

June 26, 2007
1:23 pm
katarina
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LOOK, I HAVEN'T HAD SEX WITH MY HUSBAND FOR AROUND OVER YEAR. CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY!

June 26, 2007
7:10 pm
taj64
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Gee Katarina that sounded like you were bitter and alos a little sarcastic to the fellow poster. I hope you were just venting out. I'd say start a new thread for you cuz that is not right for you to be married and not enjoy the benefits of being married. That is a long time. If you are not happy in your marriage, then get a divorce and find a nice man who you can have sex with. Doesn't sound liek you are happy at all. Don't you have another screen name I tihnk I remember that. well I wish you luck cuz being happy and alone is way better than being stuck in an unhappy marriage. I have experienced that part.

June 26, 2007
7:23 pm
Honolulugal
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Bev, Ella and Taj,

Good on you all! Really good advice and sharing, as usual!

H-gal

June 26, 2007
7:31 pm
StronginHim77
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Telling your spouse that he is lousy in bed will not help the situation. If you could take a more "positive" and encouraging approach, things might improve dramatically. For example, instead of shooting down his (already frail) male ego by berating him for not staying erect long enough, why not encourage more foreplay by telling him, "Gee, honey, it's just WONDERFUL when you do that to me!" Men respond a whole lot better to praise, than they do to criticism.

June 26, 2007
7:54 pm
kenyatta
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All the advice has been so great. I see that you all have very good advice. I feel better about my situation. I am going to stop berating him and start talking to him in a better tone. I also think that we may try experimenting with different things. Thank so much to you all.

June 26, 2007
7:57 pm
soapy41
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It is the medication. My husband takes blood pressure medication too and it has the same effect. My husband has learned a more appropriate time of day to take his meds so it will not effect his sexual performance. I would suggest that your husband speak to his physician. There are so many different things to help counteract this problem and infidelity is NOT ONE! This is a medical issue and should not cause you to even think about divorce! Would you think divorce if he was diagnosed with cancer? As I always say, "Sex does not sustain relationships, Relationships sustain sex"! You can get "good sex" from anybody or ANYTHING(dido,etc), but having a good husband, father and provider who loves and respects you is rare!

June 26, 2007
7:59 pm
bevdee
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Kenyatta

I really think it's the meds. There are others and he should talk to his doctor.

June 26, 2007
8:23 pm
katarina
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sorry, just my bad sense of humor. I hope everything works out for you.

June 26, 2007
10:17 pm
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soapy's advice is excellent, and the wisdom:

"Sex does not sustain relationships, Relationships sustain sex"!

Well put.

June 27, 2007
8:52 am
risingfromtheashes
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I agree, if men think they are failing to satisfy us in bed, they usually get VERY hurt and discouraged and stop trying.

and if it's out of their control, it's even worse, cuz they can't fix it.

I also agree that bad sex for medical reasons is no reason for divorce...he can't help it...as someone else said, if you had cancer, and he divorced you because of it...would that be very considerate?

anyway...foreplay is great...maybe he can satisfy you with oral sex? perhaps sex toys? step out of the box...explore your options. If you are open to trying new things, it may help "peak" his interest and he may be able to perform more or better. Also, there are many different lotions and such that enhance male performance...even if they don't work, they may be fun to try.

Also experiment with different positions...I had a partner who was mediocre in size...but he was the first guy who could get me to climax...simply because of the positions he enjoyed using. Plus, he liked giving oral and that ALWAYS works. If his lower parts didn't work, he used his hands to help things out...he was creative and it worked for us.

so don't give up hope...just get creative...and keep things positive.

July 1, 2007
4:57 pm
mumubaby89
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Sex is not important and you shouldnt cheat. If you love your husband surely it will not be that hard to be opne and honest about it all. Looks like he doesnt seem to know how you actually feel about the sex matter. Speak to him and see what happens.

July 1, 2007
6:07 pm
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mumu, but sex is important to kenyatta right now. you are right though, it's possible he doesn't realize how she feels about it. communication with loving kindness helps a lot of things more than we expect.

oooh...foreplay, my ex and I used to think foreplay was practically most of it! As if orgasms were an interruption to more foreplay! that's why i miss sex with him... heck, I can give MYSELF an orgasm... but foreplay and affection between loving partners, you and your husband are capable of that even with out the orgasm kenyatta. You never know where that can lead, even to good communication and a solution to your problem... a discussion could lead to a doctor visit, etc... it may become important to him enough to seek it out.

give your H warm fuzzies even through this rough time, he needs to know you have that love for him.

July 1, 2007
8:14 pm
AQueen
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Ella-My ex and I had the best sex ever! I haven't wanted to be with anyone else since I kicked him out 3 1/2 months ago. When I met him two weeks ago so he could see our son he brought that up. He know's what my soft spots are and that topic is one of them.

Mumu-I disagree. I feel sex is very important. Sex is a beautiful and wonderful thing between two people that care for eachother. Fucking is different. Sometimes you want sex and sometimes you want to fuck, at least that's how it is with me.

K-Have you talked about this with him?

July 1, 2007
8:33 pm
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AQueen- I think you and I have some of the same issues in missing things about our exes. Good sex is hard to forget. But it doesn't last when the relationship is going south... we both would have ended up learning that the hard way. Sometimes there ends up being so much tension that even the best lovers don't want to touch one another. No amount of hot make up sex makes a sick relationship worth it. Am I wrong?

That quote above about good relationships making good sex... that makes a lot of sense. Even if the sex doesn't start off that good- (I lost my virginity with my first boyfriend who also was a virgin... we LEARNED good sex because we cared about making each other feel good and loved one another).

Mumu- did you mean that kind of sex? "Fucking"? As AQueen says? That didn't occur to me. I think you are right if that's what you mean. Loveless sex isn't important, but caring love making between partners is. Especially if it is for them. It could be that there are people in caring and loving partnerships who don't place a priority on it. But when one or both do, it is important to address problems if any with sex and have the ability to talk openly about it.

Mumu is right in the sense that sex for the sake of itself may not be important. For example, I left my ex 1 and 1/2 years ago. We had sex up until the end. I do miss that. My sister insists I need to go out and have one night stands. I want nothing like that. That would make me feel so bad about myself! Also, it would leave me unsatisfied. I don't see the point in it, though it is easy enough to go out and do. The reason why I enjoy sex is because it has always been with people I have another kind of appreciation for as well... if not love, a growing affection and strong attraction. I would never have sex with someone I wouldn't consider having a long term relationship with. Is that what you mean Mumu? Did I misunderstand you at first?

Also, there are people that go through their whole lives and sex just isn't high on their agenda. But Kenyatta is married to a man she loves and right now it is...

I hope Kenyatta is okay and things go better for her and her husband. It does the heart good to hear of people who love each other.

-ella

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