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My husband is depressed, alcholic and addicted to porn

UserPost

11:09 pm
October 9, 2007


Tuna

New Member

posts -1

My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We've been together for 17 yrs.and we have 3 boys together. I am an emtional wreck. My husband is so moody,especially if he had a bad day at work. He will take out his anger on me and the kids,and he will go in our room, and watch tv all evening not saying anything to us. When my husband is in a bad mood,that puts me in overdrive with worrying, having anxiety, and overeating. It is to the point, that I am not in touch with my feelings. I can't even cry anymore. I really care about him, because he had been through alot in his childhood. He doesn't want to get any help at all. He said to me, that I am with the wrong guy, and I should get a divorce. I don't believe in divorces because of religion reasons, However, I am afraid that I am shutting down! Any suggestions?

12:59 am
October 10, 2007


Guest

posts

Hi, Tuna.

I'm sorry you are in such dire straits with your marriage. I certainly see a lot of pain and a lot of red flags in what you've written. You've come to a good place, where many people can relate to you and offer support.

You've mentioned that religion is important to you; do you belong to a church? If so, you may be able to get some help from your pastor. Does your church offer couples counselling or marriage enrichment type classes?

At the very least, you need some support for yourself. Shutting down is not good, as you know or you wouldn't be here looking for help. I hope you can find some relief from telling your story here. Sometimes when you see it written on the screen, new things will jump out at you and you will have new insights even if you don't get a huge number of responses from others right away.

If you have access to counselling for yourself, I hope you will take advantage of it. It can really help you sort out how your own issues are playing into the troubles in your marriage.

I wish you the best. I have had experience of a partner whose compulsive use of porn very badly affected our relationship, and I am still grappling with feeling and expressing my own needs in a healthy way. It's a process… it's a journey… be proud of yourself for taking the steps that brought you here.

take care.

8:45 am
October 10, 2007


CAMER

Member

posts 100

hi Tuna, yes, maybe tt your pastor, cuz it seems like your hubby is not willing to get any help or make any changes within himself.

You still don't have to feel the way you do if you get help for "you"…you could even attend a local coda meeting. Log onto http://www.coda.org for meetings.

It seems like you are going thru alot, and if you seek out help, it may help you deal with your emotions and feelings you are going thru.

And keep posting here, there is so much support.

3:46 pm
October 10, 2007


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

Addicts are unable to meet the emotional needs of anyone close to them. It is ALL ABOUT THEM. Your husband is in alot of pain and chooses to "stuff" (mask) that pain with mood-altering substances (alcohol) and pornography.

I would strongly encourage you to seek out counseling FOR YOURSELF. You cannot fix or change your husband. He must want to do that for himself. But you CAN help yourself. This situation has really beaten you down. I can hear the exhaustion and despair in your posting. Please do seek out support and professional help for yourself AND your kids. They are probably struggling with his dysfunction, nearly as deeply as you are. AL-ANON has a TEEN AL-ANON division. Please check it out.

If you lack finances for private counseling, at least get involved in local AL-ANON meetings, as well as CODA meetings (for those of us who are codependent).

Please keep posting. You will meet many wonderful people on these threads who will give you an opportunity to vent safely and anonymously, as well as provide you with some emotional support during this ordeal.

- Ma Strong

4:57 pm
October 10, 2007


fantas

Member

posts 14

(((Tuna)))

Just sending you hug and well wishes and echoing everything said here. Get help for yourself and your children. Do not enable your husband by tolerating his bad behaviour. Let him know that you love him and will support his healing process if he chooses to go to therapy or treatment but you will not allow the disruption home of your children's and your well being. He has obviously checked out and you have to lead this ship out of the stormy waters it's headed into right now.

You may be against divorce for religious reasons but the damage your husband is causing in the psyche of you and your children may be more devastating in the long run. Seek counselling regardless of what you decide to do…

9:24 pm
October 10, 2007


Tuna

New Member

posts -1

Thank you so much for the support. I had thought for a very long time, for some reason that, I was the only person on earth,who was going through something like this. When I tried to talk to people about my husband problems, Most people will say, " All men look at porn and drink", or they'll say at least he is working and still with you"; What more do you want? Just getting this off my chest and and seeing that people out there do care, I feel a little better already. I will definitley take everyone's advice dearly . I know that alot of my codependcy problems do come from my childhood, because I was always the cargiver and also the middle child.

9:38 pm
October 10, 2007


razor

Member

posts 140

Hey thats me! I am the middle child- the peace maker- the invisible child. I thought I was the only person suffering too. My pain was so intense that no one could possibly understand how I felt. It does help to know you are not alone although I wouldn't want to wish pain and misery on anyone that didn't deserve it. People that say "at least he is still with you don't have a clue. There are worse things than being with out a man, believe me. Living with a depressed and moody person is draining.

10:04 pm
October 10, 2007


Tuna

New Member

posts -1

Thank you so much razor for understanding. It always appeared that I was very happy on the outside,but feeling very depressed on the inside. I would dropped my kids off to school, come home and sleep on the couch until it was time for me to go to work, and be so happy on the outside. Nobody at my job would never thought that happy tuna is depressed.
As for living with a moody and depressed person is so horribel. I always felt guilty that he was in a bad mood, because I couldn't make him happy and I truly thought it was my fault. I grew up with the notion that a woman is suppose to make her husband happy all the time. Maybe, beause my mother was never married and I seen bad examples of marriages in my own family. To my arrogant dismay, I always said to myself, I won't be a nagging wife. I am always going to be the nice wife who will always take care of her husband and her children. What a tangled web we weave!

10:17 pm
October 10, 2007


razor

Member

posts 140

Yea, I felt guilty too. It HAD to be my fault. After awhile I felt like if I could be as miserable as he seemed to be that he would feel better, but even that didn't seem to work. Then one day I just decided I felt as bad as I could possibly feel and I started to detatch from him and that was the beginning of the end. I am sure my extreme codependency had a lot to do with it! But I'm not blaming myself for that anymore.

10:25 pm
October 10, 2007


Tuna

New Member

posts -1

As I am writing this, my husband is upstairs drinking his beer and in a bad mood. If it wasn't for me coming across this site last night, I would have been in a sad mood, pondering to myself,why I can't fix him? Thank God, I came across this site.

12:22 am
October 11, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

My husband was like that. With men like that it never changes. One day I decided I had had enough, filed for divorce and moved. He is in jail. Even though he is off of drugs and alcohol he is still a self centered, complaining, angry, depressed SOB. I just do anything and everything I can to distance my self from him. It is working but a long, slow process.

10:56 am
October 13, 2007


sugar lump

New Member

posts -1

I too am married to my high school sweetheart. A year ago I discovered he is addicted to porn on the internet. Gay porn. I now realize that this has been going on for over 2 years. I talked to him about it and he admitted that he has questioned his sexuallity. He says he is bi-sexual. I have gone through months of torment and not knowing where to go or what to do with myself. I finally started going to Al-Anon. I have begun to "heal" while still in this dysfunctional relationship. I have been a "caretaker" to this man for 30 years. I grew up being the perfect child…perfect mother…perfect wife…a perfect co-dependent. It's so sad that I don't even know who I am any more. I have tried to fix everyone around me all my life.
It's not healthy…I have learned to let go and take care of me. It's not an easy thing to do.
The sad thing is, my husband doesn't see that there is a problem. It's sad.

12:35 pm
October 13, 2007


Tuna

New Member

posts -1

Hey Sugar lump, As I am writing this,I just looked on the history and saw alot of Porn stuff action last night. I told my husband countless time about him looking at porn on the internet, because we have three boys. I thought that it was always my fault that he looks at porn, because I gained alot of weight,and etc. however, now that I am educating myself, I know now that its not my fault. My heart goes out to sugar lump . I don't know if we are allowed to tell each other about books. I know of this one book, It is called "Every man's battle" by, Steve Aterburn. I wish you peace and happiness.

1:10 pm
October 13, 2007


razor

Member

posts 140

Hi Tuna,
Glad to hear you know the looking at porn thing is not your fault. A few years ago I saw Halle Berry talking to Oprah about the breakup of her marriage because her husband was a sex addict. I think she is probably the most gorgeous woman in the world ,it made me realize that it had nothing to do with appearance at all! This man would visit street walkers and whoever was handy so go figure.

1:47 pm
October 13, 2007


Guest

posts

Hi Tuna,

Yes, it is OK to mention books and other resources, such as links to articles, websites etc.

Last year I posted, on the Libs side, a paper I wrote about the effects of pornography on women's sexual health. It has a reference list which you may find valuable. I'm going to go over and pull that thread up so you can look at it.

This issue is affecting a lot of people, including me, and the availability of porn on the internet has changed the profile of people who get addicted to it – not all men, by any means.

I wish you well with working through things in your marriage. Hope you find the resources helpful. Take care.

1:57 pm
October 13, 2007


Guest

posts

Okay, done. If you go to the Liberation Brew Threads, you will see my essay on pornography and sexual health. You'll have to click on the "view all posts" link to get the whole thread to load, which may take a few seconds.

If you have any comments, questions, feedback… please let me know, either on that thread or this one. I have given quite a bit of thought to this issue and would be happy to discuss it with you. Take care.

10:36 pm
October 13, 2007


Tuna

New Member

posts -1

Hey Kroika, I read your your paper,it was very informative and good to read. What made you write about the effects on Porn? Also, Did you graduate from nursing school yet? I am a nursing student now, I only have 4 classes to go;before, I start my clinicals! :0)

4:47 pm
October 14, 2007


Guest

posts

Hi Tuna,

Glad you read my paper and found it of some value. I wrote about that topic because I had experienced negative effects on my relationship due to my partner's compulsive use of porn. The more I researched, the more I discovered that not only was I not alone, but I was part of a huge and growing population of people whose lives are being negatively affected.

In fact I learned much more than I really wanted to know, and I wish I didn't have to know it… but ultimately I do believe knowledge imparts power, as well as responsibility. Once I know something I can't un-know it, so that question remains as to how I respond. Writing that paper was one way for me to respond, and also sharing it on this website. I am so glad if I can help anybody find a way to start thinking about this rather than just panicking and drowning in pain.

As for nursing… I graduated nursing school itself over 25 years ago, in a diploma program. And now I have completed my BSN degree, which I hope is going to help me get out of my job rut and improve my working life. Good luck to you with your clinicals, Tuna! I hope you have good instructors and good clinical experiences.


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