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My daughter is using drugs, steals and lies need advice

UserPost

6:35 pm
March 15, 2008


yell_right

New Member

posts -1

7:32 pm
March 15, 2008


bonni

New Member

posts -1

how old is she? and regardless of the answer to that, professional help is likely the answer. you can't fix her, only offer support and resources that she can choose to use. though if it is bad enough, you could probably have her committed somewhere for treatment, but only if other options she can choose for herself aren't working or likely to work. I could be wrong though.

bonni

8:15 pm
March 15, 2008


yell_right

New Member

posts -1

she is 22 and very beautiful. there is no reason why she has choose this path
i can't hardly believe what she is doing. just tonight she is crying and telling me one of her friends gave her 80.00 to hold on too. but she got into a fight in another town where she had no business being there "said it must have fallin out of her pocket, yell right
i got so mad i lost it on her, cause the guy's parent was coming up here to collect the money or it was her ass
that is just a sample of the bull i go thru everyday with her

9:13 pm
March 15, 2008


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

Yell, My daughter who is the same age is doing the same thing. They steal to get the money to do drugs. Every time you protect her from the consequences of this illegal behavior you are killing her. You have to let them hit bottom and when the consequences get bad enough, they might decide on their own to quit doing it. They use every one and every thing. You want her to associate everything that has to do with drugs, lying, stealing as a bad, bad, experience. When it gets bad enough it will stop. As long as you are bailing her out you are telling her that what she is doing is OK. If they wind up in jail that is a good thing cause they cant use drugs there and you know where to find them.

Be a parent tell her to take her Bull Shit somewhere else. Tell her not to call until she has completed a Rehab program. I did that to my kid. She is pregnant due to give birth in 3 weeks. I didnt care. I cut her off, took her car and the keys and kicked her out.

1:23 am
March 16, 2008


marypoppins

Member

posts 4

Yell,

You wrote:

"there is no reason why she has choose this path"

What was the progression that resulted in your daughter's drug use, stealing, and lying? How did it get to this point?

When did she first begin having problems? Has she been in any kind of therapy?

I began drinking, using drugs, and acting out at 14 to escape the abusive home I was growing up in. I kept a lot of it hidden, and once I was out of the house and in college, it escalated. However, when I moved home one summer, I did a poor job of masking my problems. By that time, I'd developed an eating disorder along with the drinking and drug use. My mother forced me to see a therapist and then found a program at a hospital for me. I was told by the therapists that my entire family needed therapy. I began individual, group, and family therapy.

I don't know your daughter's history. My own daughter is only 12.

Mary

1:20 pm
March 16, 2008


yell_right

New Member

posts -1

well i raised her to go to church and be an responible person. but like you said
there were things that made her that way
her father is a alcohlic and abuses drugs himself. probably he is the one who started her doin this. but grown up
you would thing since mother is goin thru so much i'm not going that route
i have two other sons they are 18 and 14
and they aren't doing this stuff. she did have her head on straight was a cna at a nursing home and worked for about three years and decide to quit. and go off with this guy that i was totally against. he took her off to another city and would abuse her and she would cry calling me to come get her and he would hide her so i couldn't get her.

1:37 pm
March 16, 2008


marypoppins

Member

posts 4

Yell,

Have you ever gotten therapy for yourself? I think you would benefit from the help of a counselor. Also, there are 12-step meetings for those who live with addicts, and regular attendance would provide you with more information and support.

Have you spoken with your daughter about treatment programs and/or counseling? She sounds like she is really suffering, and it's probably difficult to have compassion for her when she's stealing and lying, but she's now a slave to her habit.

I believe my parents saved my life by getting me into a treatment program. And yes, they were the ones who abused me in childhood, but they did attend counseling with me and help me work through what happened. I'd always been told I was just "a bad seed", so for them to finally acknowledge their responsibility was huge.

Good luck to you. I hope you can approach your daughter about this from a place of love. As I said, my own daughter is only 12, and I know tougher years are coming. The influence of friends and boyfriends can be so powerful.

All the best.

Mary

5:43 pm
March 16, 2008


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

Yell- My daughters father was also an alcoholic and a heavy smoker just as his parents were. He was a federal agent and died an untimely death at the age of 46. My daughter and him would sit down and smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol together. She chooses men that abuse her as well. And calls me for help. When they are over the age of 18 they are not a little child and you cant just take them anywhere. You can suggest and encourage but therapy is something they have to decide to get for themselves. I spent over 20 thousand helping her. Yet she got worse. When I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and not to call me or come into my home with the Bull shit she got better. And so did I.

6:13 pm
March 16, 2008


atalose

Member

posts 18

Let Me Fall All By Myself

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it.

Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) … Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit … trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it.

The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me … The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours … the sooner I will arrive … and on time … just right where I need to be … me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead … resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile … I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top.

In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me … I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well.

It is my burden to carry, not yours … I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me

but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good … don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly … Nudge me out of your safety net … trust the process and pray for me … that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

6:19 pm
March 16, 2008


marypoppins

Member

posts 4

Yell,

I was in my early 20's when my mother insisted I see a therapist and drove me to the hospital for treatment. I could have chosen not to stay, but the fact that she was helping me and was then later willing, along with my dad, to assume responsibility for what was going on with me, gave me strength I didn't previously have. I got better. I also took responsibility for my life, but in family therapy, individual therapy, and group therapy, I learned that my entire family was not well. We learned how to interact with one another in a healthy way. A sick child is a product of a family sick in some way. In the program I was in, the patients whose family members took part in therapy got well faster.

Good luck to you and your family.

Mary

6:37 pm
March 16, 2008


marypoppins

Member

posts 4

Yell,

I know that all addicts are not the same, and I also had an eating disorder, which adds an element you're not dealing with.

In my case, I'd been scapegoated throughout my family's history. My dad beat the shit out of me on a regular basis, and my mom routinely verbally and emotionally abused me. All my sisters got it, too, but I acted out more, so I was blamed for all of our family's troubles. I was carrying the guilt and shame of not just my own stuff, but I carried the responsibility for what my parents and siblings had done.

I was very self destructive at the time my mother confronted me about my eating disorder. I was sure I'd soon die from alcohol or drugs. I wanted to. I was so miserable. When the therapist told me at the hospital that I was the "identified patient" and that my entire family was sick, I felt like a ton of bricks had been removed. The relief washed over me. I wanted to be free of all the pain I'd been carrying. I was so tired of fighting against everyone. So tired of hating myself. So tired of carrying my mom and dad's shame.

In my case, the way it happened, was life-saving. I wish you luck.

Mary

8:46 pm
March 18, 2008


yell_right

New Member

posts -1

let me fall all bye myself
I have to say that was the most touching
and inspirational email. The words just opened my heart "i cried". Cause the word are so true. But where do i fine the straight to let her make her on mistake and fall to the pits. I do need therapy, I agree cause as a mother I can't bring myself to let her go or put her out the door to fine herself. I let her read this herself and she "herself"
cried. We both set here in front of the computer kept reading it over and over.
I don't know how to began. I work, it seem 24-7 but I have to have surgery next week and will be off work for about 6 to 8 weeks. Then maybe after I fine the straight can seek therapy. I can say all the words,I've read on this has been so good. I thank you all for your words of encouragement and your story's that I can see you've all been throw it also. Maybe we together can help each other. THANK YOU ALL AGAIN!!!!
keep on writing me please

5:35 am
March 19, 2008


Linda Linda

New Member

posts -1

I agree with Yell.

Mary you get all the love from both of us.

9:17 pm
April 1, 2008


yell_right

New Member

posts -1

atalose.
i love that i read it just about everyday can you tell me where you got that poem from Is it from a book or what
thanks
yell_right

9:32 am
April 2, 2008


atalose

Member

posts 18

I received that at one of my al-anon meetings. Someone shared and brought copies to hand out.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~


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