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My boyfriend and his dad are codependent on each other

UserPost

4:10 pm
March 10, 2008


robslady2006

New Member

posts -1

I've been dating this really great guy for almost 2 years now last year he asked me to move in with him I was a little leary of this for the fact his elder dad lives with him but after talking it over with my family I thought I would give it a try well let me tell you its been a ride from hell the old man has no life of his own his constantly in and out of our bedroom when we are at work he goes through my mail when ever he feels like it his been through my purse when he thinks my boyfriend isn't giving him all his attention then he fakes sickness,won't eat for a couple of days or pouts around until my boyfriend gives into him my boyfriend and I own our home but the old man makes all the decisions in our house I've suggested to my boyfriend that maybe his dad needed his own place I was told the old man can't afford to live on his own then I suggested that maybe he could go live with my boyfriends sister I was told he would not go I don't know what to do I love my boyfriend very much but I can't hardly stand to look at his dad I was told by my boyfriend sister that they didn't have a good life growing up and that their dad has guilted my boyfriend into letting him live here says my boyfriend owes it to him cause he gave up so much raising them but they sister has told me that all lies that the parents never gave up anything for them they sat in bars while the kids raised there selves if anyone has any suggestions please let me know

4:23 pm
March 10, 2008


CAMER

Member

posts 100

if you don't mind me asking, how old is your bf?? and can he "afford" to live on his own?? cuz if he is a responsible, grown up man he should be able to do this. Now you say your
bf & you "own" the home, was it your bf's house or his dad's house that he owns??

10:35 pm
March 10, 2008


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

Rob- I think you have all the right in the world to tell your BF that the situation with his dad is not working out.

Since his dad is an adult not a child you could discuss it with him (BF dad) and ask him where he would like to go.

Considering his age you could make sure he has enough time to get to the next place.

With folks like this you need to change your pass word. Lock your room and hide your purse.

Your BF might have to decide if he wants to hang onto his dad or you.

If BF chooses day over you. What will you do?

4:41 am
March 11, 2008


robslady2006

New Member

posts -1

my bf is 43 and this is our home not his dads we make the payments on the house not his dad we pay all the bills here and I have asked his dad you know pops wouldn't you like your own space he just tells me my bf can't make it without him his very controling his tried controling me also but I put my foot down to that I told him his not my father or my husband an I will do what I want when I want like I said his drilled it into my bf's head since he was 13 that he owes him for giving up so much to raise him what parent tells his child that? my bf has told me some stories about his childhood that would make anyones hair stand on end my bf's sister says thats only the tip of the iceberg but she won't tell me she feels like its my bf's place to tell me as far as bf choicing dad over me well then I guess I will be on my way then won't I what can I do its his dad for crying out loud you would think his dad would have enough sense an figure out 3 is a crowd and with us just starting our lives together that he would want to move on his own

7:28 am
March 11, 2008


CAMER

Member

posts 100

ok, yes, your bf may have had a tough childhood…….BUT, can't he just tell his dad to "move out" or go into a "home" with other people??? why is he (your bf) so afraid of doing this, and basically, if things don't change with your dad living there, then this is what your life will be.

6:16 pm
March 11, 2008


nappy

New Member

posts -1

Even though you help pay the rent and the bills, that is your boyfriend house and his father was there before you. That is why his father is making your boyfriend and your life hell.
His father knows what he is doing. He is trying to get you out first before he goes.

This is not about your boyfriend making a choice, this is about you making a choice. Him and his father was already living together and you just came along. His father feels that you are evading his space, he don't have to do anything, he can do what he wants but the one thing that he wouldn't be doing is going through my purse, he would be pulling back some little numbs (smile).

Maybe you can get your own place and you and your boyfriend just date. Then he can come over to your house and not the dad.

Nappy

9:26 pm
March 11, 2008


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

robslady- I think that it is your boyfriends responsibility to stand up to his dad and tell him the truth. His dad will not realize anything. He doenst get it. His son needs to spell it out. And you need to spell it out to your BF how you feel.

6:54 am
March 13, 2008


robslady2006

New Member

posts -1

Nappy I understand what you are saying but I had my own apartment I gave it up and sold all my furniture to be this guy I think its unfair for me to turn my world unside down once again all because his not man enough to stand up to a 78 year old man I didn't ask to come live here he asked me to come live with him and become a couple its not my fault his dad can't afford to live on his own had he worked when he was younger instead of working meanless jobs and sitting in bars then he could afford his own place instead of freeloading off his son I moved in here I pay half the bills not the old man I pay for all of the groceries not the old man I work a fulltime job keep up with the house cook all the meals while this old man either sits and stares out the window for 8 hours or sits in a bar his not what you all may think he gets around better then I do and I'm 41 years old he could help out around here cook a meal once in a while but he doesn't so I'm sorry I think his a freeloader he thinks his son owes him cause he brought him into this world even when my bf was 16 years old an working part time jobs he was paying the bills so I think he has put in his time with his father and then some I think the old man needs to grow up and get out on his own see what its like to pay for his own things I'm the type of person that feels like my parents raised me and when they get to the point they can't take care of their selves then we the children should care for them its only right but when you have a person like my bf dad who think that its owed to them then to me its a different story my bf has been taking care of his dad since his mom walked out on them when he was 13 doing laundry cooking meals cleaning house how much longer should he have to do this stuff for his dad when does the old man start taking care of his self and quit making his son his slave and the rest of you are right my bf needs to be a man and stand up to his father but when a person is raised that this is the way it is they don't know any better

5:46 pm
March 13, 2008


luvmnms

New Member

posts -1

I'M NOT ALONE!!! i have/had the same problem with my husband and his mother. we were married 6 months ago, didn't live together before we got married and i knew going into it that his mom came with him. his mom and i got along great so i didn't see a problem with it. until she started to feel resentment towards me and her whole attitude changed. i was taking her place in my husband's and her granddaugher's lives. she tryed to make things difficult, got depressed and tried to make us feel sorry for her. i tried to have a normal conversation with her to find out why things had changed to make an attempt to change if i had done something wrong. like a normal adult would confront a situation. she lost it!! went on and on about how we should have never gotten married, blah, blah, blah. she too, does not work and would do nothing all day. i would come home from work and have to do the cooking and cleaning up. she did do laundry, everyday!!
i had a great childhood, my husband did not. he feels guilty about everything his mom had to give up to take care of him…i've told him, that was her job. anyway, that lasted a couple of weeks. i set my foot down, she can't live here anymore and you need to make a choice. it was difficult and he was torn but he knew that in order for us to have a healthy marriage, he needed to break away. so, she has rented a room in a house not too far from us. the worst is over, but she still plays the guilt trip cause she doesn't drive or work so my husband has to take her to the store and we do have to help her financially. but my stress level has seriously decreased. i don't have to deal with her anymore. she still has ill feeling towards me and i am hoping that someday she will come around.

6:35 am
March 14, 2008


robslady2006

New Member

posts -1

luvmnms I think you mother in law and my bf dad are related this sounds just like what I'm going through the only difference is my bf told me his dad is not going anywhere. I clean houses for a living I remember a few weeks ago on a friday I came home from work late I'd had a really long day cleaned 5 houses that day so my bf had been home a couple of hours by the time I got here we I arrived they was downstairs in our family room my computer is also in this room around december we decided to get a couple of basset hound pups so the breeder was sending picture as they where growning up so I was checking my emails for updated pictures my bf and I was looking at the pictures so I said to his dad pops did you see the pictures of the pups yet he starts growling at me and blowing raspberries then he says I'm on you tonight I said no your not I've had a really hard day at work I just want to relax your going to take you butt upstairs and leave me alone after he went upstairs I said to my bf whats with him tonight my bf said I don't know but I going to find out right now so he went and had a talk with his dad after about half an hour he came back down I said so whats his problem my bf said his mad cause you came home we where having a good time just the 2 of us and you came home from work he feels like you ruined our time together I told my bf I live here where the heck am I suppose to go to after I get off of work and this behavior is not normal he acts like you two are married instead of father and son my bf said I know I told him that. in the year that I have lived here I have seen behavior out of his dad that is not normal for a father and it makes me wonder about a few things they have lived together all of my bf life my bf has never been married its always just been him and his dad his had a few gf's but he said they took off cause they couldn't deal with his dad. my bf tells me stories about his childhood that makes me sick things that parents don't noramlly do for example when my bf was around 13 his dad would buy half barrels of beer for my bf and his friends and then sit around and get drunk with these kids something is not right about that I have never heard of such things what is a grown man doing partying with a bunch of young teenage boys only one thing comes to my mind and I have to block it out right away cause I start getting sick to my stomach when my boyfriend was a baby his dad would put beer or rum into his baby bottle I asked his dad why would you do that he told me so his son would learn that drinking was a way of life I told him do your realise this is criminal now a days you would go to jail for that he just laughed a walked away and these are just a few things that have been told to me if I didn't love my bf I would have ran along time ago this is horrible to say but the sight of his dad makes me want to throw up what kind of a father is this and then have the gull to think his son should take care of him my bf's sister and I talk often she says that their father has brainwashed my bf thats why he can't see what her and I see

10:47 am
March 17, 2008


luvmnms

New Member

posts -1

hi robslady–

i am so sorry for what you are going through. i feel your pain. my husband was going to leave me twice cause i said i wouldn't deal with his mother any longer!!

we started counseling and that is what finally made the light go off for him and realize what his mother was doing to us. i am very lucky that my husband loves me so much that he finally decided that it was best for us not to have her around.

my husband also grew up in a similar situation. his father was never around but his mom and close aunt's and uncle's were the partying type. i don't know that my husband is brain washed but he definately has a strange sense of dependency on his mother and her on him. she should be able to take care of herself being only 67 but has choose to lean on my husband for everything. and i think it makes him feel good that he is needed. we are working on this.

she is out of our house and in my opinion needs to be somewhere she can interact with people her own age. she is such a loner and very depressed. when she was in our home that rubbed off on everyone. i didn't grow up like that. i confront and fix a problem!! they pushed her over the edge. so, at this time, we aren't speaking.

i guess, if i hadn't felt so strongly about not being disrespected in my own house, i would still be in the same situation. she would have her way and i would be the one miserable. i choose not to live my life like that and told my husband to choose. i was lucky that he choose me. i was ready to deal with the consequences if he had decided that he couldn't leave his mother. i was also lucky in that she kinda wanted to be on her own.

someone is going to have to put their foot down. i know i didn't want to live my life that way.

take care and hang in there!!

9:56 pm
March 17, 2008


AQueen

New Member

posts -1

His father may be pain but his dad have no alligence to you. Your boyfriend is your partner. He does have an alligance to you. You are in a relationship with him not his father. He is the one that should care about your feelings not his father. His father owes you nothing and your boyfriend owes you everything because he's supposed to be your man.

Yeah it might not be fair for you to move but you knew his father lived with him when you moved in. If you don't like it then move out and resume dating. One thing is for sure here, you aren't happy and the boyfriend said his father isn't going anywhere. So looks like it's up to you to move if you want to be happy. You're boyfriend isn't going to kick his father out to make you happy unfortunately. So if you feel the relationship is salvagable then move out and have a dating relationship instead of a live in relationship. Or you could decide you don't wish to be with a man that won't place your happiness first. Either way a decision is in order here.

The situation sounds like it sucks but you are angry at the wrong guy here. You should be picking a bone with your man not his elderly father. What's you man, his father? NOPE. So talk to your guy and if he's not willing to find an alternate living arrangment for his father then either learn to deal with it and suck it up and stop complaining or move out. You are responsiable for you own happiness when it comes down to it. If the situation sucks then do something about it. Good luck.

AQueen

10:32 am
March 18, 2008


luvmnms

New Member

posts -1

i agree with aqueen…sounds harsh but soooo true. you are lucky that you aren't married and have children. this is most certainly not a behavior you want them to learn, and i speak from experience. my stepdaughter has picked this up and it is very difficult to deal with especially when you have to realize that she is only 8 and it isn't her fault.

my parents told me through all the stress, "your mother-in-law isn't the problem…simply the symptom. your husband is the cancer and where you need to begin. he is the one who needs to deal with his mother and if he isn't willing then you are the one with the decision. and if you say you are going to do something then you need to follow through." i think it's called tough love.

so, robslady, you need to get the monkey off your back and put the ball in your bf's court. you deserve happiness!!

good luck.

4:19 am
March 20, 2008


robslady2006

New Member

posts -1

all of you are right after leaving a miserable marriage I thought I finally found happiness this is my damnation for wanting to be happy I guess my ex husband was right the grass is not always greener on the other side I told my bf last night the engagment ring he bought me needs to be resized to fit his dad so here I go again starting over from scratch but thats okay there is someone out there for me hopefully someone without daddy or mommy living with them one thing is for sure I hope the old man rots in the same hell he put me through for the last year as far as my ex bf goes he will die a lonely old man just what daddy wanted all along

10:41 am
March 20, 2008


luvmnms

New Member

posts -1

try not to hold on to too much bitterness, you will be the only one suffering as they go on with their lives. chalk this one up to experience.

i think my husband thought the same thing about not being allowed to be happy…he even said it, but it can happen. you need to decide what you want and go for it. this may be exactly what your bf needs to figure out what he really wants and if it is you, then you will be the one in the drivers seat. don't go back on your word…or he will walk all over you and know that he will be able to do that. if you are willing to work things out, make sure he understands that it is without his father in the picture. believe me, it can happen!!

best of luck…


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