You must be logged in to post Login Register


Register? | Lost Your Password?

Search Forums:


 






Wildcard Usage:
*    matches any number of characters
%    matches exactly one character

My birthday sucked…like it does every year. I really had hoped this one would be different.

UserPost

2:10 pm
January 2, 2006


mamabear

New Member

posts -1

Ali,
I know exercise and healthy eating, I am the one that usually sings that song. When someone else is depressed I tell them to exercise that it helps.

I guess I just want to wallow today. I hope I'm ready to snap out of it soon, but right now, I want to feel this sadness. I'm not good at allowing myself to feel.

I'm sad because I weaned my baby and she's probably the last one.

I'm sad because my birthday fantasy didn't pan out.

I'm sad because I am sitting here alone. Because I need a new friend but don't know anyone that I want to be friends with. The town I live in is consumed with drug and alcohol abuse, and I don't want to be friends with anyone who does that. I have enough of that crap in my life already.

I'm sad because my little sister has moved 2 1/2 hours away with her boyfriend who tells her she is stupid and accuses her of cheating on him and hiding her money.

I'm sad because my little brother is in a correctional facility boot camp…last option before prison, and he just wants to get out so he can go drinking again.

I'm sad because my mom is having health problems and she has never loved herself enough to even try to be healthy. That she is an alcoholic but won't admit it.

I'm sad because my dad tries to make me feel guilty about not being close to him and he might die without anyone knowing for a week–even though he was NEVER around during my childhood. I saw him maybe twice past the age of three until I was 17.

I'm sad because my husband doesn't want to do everything together like I do. My image of marrigae was just a mirage.

I'm sad because I have all this knowledge but can't seem to put it to use.

I'm sad because I "am so smart but never made anything of my life" as I get told every time I see my friend's mom.

I am sad that I am neck deep in a river of debt because of my own choices and behavior.

I am sad.

I am wallowing. I don't care

2:17 pm
January 2, 2006


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

go ahead – spend some time in the feeling.

sometimes that is exactly what we need to do in order to figure out what to do next.

it's not good to spend too much time there, but not good to ignore it either.

Perhaps do some reading in codependent no more – because I see you sad about alot of things you have no control over – like your family member's decisions on how to live their lives. It's okay to be sad for them – but in the end – they chose it – and they have to live it.

I am sure that someone is sad that you are with a husband that doesn't meet your needs. And I am sure there is someone sad that you are depressed right now. But, even tho I may be sad for you – I know that the only person who can fix you is you.

Weaning your daughter may be playing a crucial role in this – as your hormones may be out of wack from the changes. And you will probably be sad when she goes off to kindergarten and graduates high school and then college – the last one always does that to a mom – alot of times because a mom has her identity tied up in being a mom and nothing else. Time to create an identity as YOU – and not "her" mom.

Just some suggestions – I know you will pull out of the funk – and we will be here to help if you need a hand.

2:24 pm
January 2, 2006


mamabear

New Member

posts -1

Thanks Ali.

I know you are right, I actually have been reading in codependent no more,and Melody is talking about 12 steps and going to meetings, and I thought to myself that I need to go to a meeting, maybe Adult children of alcoholics, or a coda meeting.

I hadn't thought about someone being sad for me…some food for thought I guess.

gotta go…will post more later maybe

Love,Mamabear

2:38 pm
January 2, 2006


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

a coda meeting will help ALOT.

i have many women in mine who say they ahve been to alanon and ACOA and did NOT get the same results as they do at CODA. those meetings teach you how to cope with other people – there is no focus on YOUR feelings – and at CODA, you learn how to focus on yourself and your needs.

food for thought….both might not hurt.

2:51 pm
January 2, 2006


mamabear

New Member

posts -1

There is a weekly meeting in a town close to mine (about 35 minute drive there) and I thought about going if I could just get someone to watch the kids…Problem is that it is on a school night and the kids would get to bed too late. I don't know if my friend would watch them for that reason (she has school age kids herself).

It would be best to have someone do it in my home so my kids can go to bed on time. But who could I get to do it? I have no clue.

3:37 pm
January 2, 2006


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

how about an older teenager from the church group? might cost you a few bucks, but it is soooo worth it – even if you only go every OTHER week to start.

I drive one hour each way to my meetings – and I have my mom watch my daughter while I go – and it takes up most of my morning on saturday – but it's a commitment to myself that I HAVE to make – and it makes a difference in my relationship – cuz when I don't go – you can see the differences in my anxiety levels and how I react to my partner.

3:49 pm
January 2, 2006


mamabear

New Member

posts -1

I had thought about asking around at church. The problem with that is I haven't been in four Sundays! I hope everyone is well next Sunday!

I share your doubts about the bible, I want to believe, but some of it is just so darned unbelievable. I feel like an imposter for that reason. The church I go to is a 100% bible based we believe everything in the bible and follow it to the letter type place. I feel strangely out of place everywhere I go.

I have an excuse for everything don't I? I learned that from my husband. Everything he does has a reason even when I try to tell him I need him to spend time with me, he has to do X because of reasons Y and Z in this timeframe because Y and Z won't be around next week, etc. He has valid reasons all the time that I can't argue with….so I am pushed aside until "next week" but "next week" never really comes.

Sucks to be me. BUT, I AM GOING TO SIGN OFF RIGHT NOW, GO MAKE MY BED, GET DRESSED, AND DO SOME DISHES AND LAUNDRY RIGHT NOW. When my house is messy and needs attention, it saps me. So I am going to do what I should have done this morning and get a move on! There are people in the world that would love to have laundry and dishes to wash right this moment I am sure of it.

Love ya,
mamabear

3:56 pm
January 2, 2006


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

mama – how about finding a DIFFERENT church?????????

I know how you feel and had talked to our pastor about it – and our church is NOT bible thumpers and takes ALOT of effort to make people feel comfortable.

we are a covenant church – check it out – see if there is one in your area – I swear – it's like "home" there. I don't feel out of place – the people there are real and not the hypocrites that tend to populate alot of churches. I use that term losely, as I don't think ALL christians are hypocrites, but I think that there is a good amount of them – and I find that I am not comfortable at a church that pushes the bible to the point of turning it's parishoners off.

We do follow the bible and god's law – but our church is more "forgiving" – and realizes that it's not about being perfect – but about the process of getting closer to god.

Anyway – just thought I would suggest it.

In the meantime – just cuz you don't go – does not mean you can't call the youth group leader and ask for names and recommendations – even if you WEREN'T a parishoner – this is very common, as people look at schools and churches to find recommendations for responsible teens to watch their kids.

5:49 pm
January 2, 2006


mamacinnamon

New Member

posts -1

mamaB:

It is that big a deal if it is what you wanted. Don't have time to read thru all right now, but just wanted to say Happy Birthday and I'm sorry things got screwed up for ya.

I've go a BIG 7 tier chocolate w/ alternating vqanilla cake for ya and whatever type ice cream is your favorite.

Oh, and I sing too, so here goes. mimiiii mii miiii miiii. ok….

The Itsy-Bitsy spider climbed up the birthday cake, "Itsy" quickly learned that he'd make a big mistake. He climbed up on a candle, before the cake was cut. Then Itsy-Bitsy spider, he burned his little butt.

Happy Birthday, mamaC :)

4:30 pm
January 3, 2006


mamabear

New Member

posts -1

Thanks Ali and MamaC I'm feeling better about things today.

I'd never heard that song before…very cute :)

Ali,
I'm not sure, I do like the people at my church, and my kids LOVE it there. I think I am just feeling this way because I haven't been in a month and I am depressed and everything seems so glum when i am this way. When we first went, within 2 Sundays, I was like "wow, this is the one. I feel so welcomed and loved." I don't think it's the church so much, just me. That and what you said about hypocrites. It seems a lot worse when a preacher says in this church we believe x and y and then you see the parishoners doing it. But this time, it was me.

I go to the dr for my check up, he tells me my good cholesterol level is low, and with my family history I should really watch that. (my dad nearly died of a heart attack in his early forties, and had mild heart attacks and strokes even beginning late thirties) . So anyhow, I ask how to raise it, and he says to exercise and that a glass of red wine every night will really do wonders for me. Well, my dad's heart doctor told him the same thing, but I wasn't too sure I believed him, he is a recovering alcoholic and I didn't know if he was telling the truth, or just looking for justification to drink, if you know what I mean. So I researched it an lo and behold, there is a wealth of information out there about how good 4 to 6 oz of red wine (it has to be red) a day is for you. So I thought long and hard about it ( I have my own alcohol issues) and then my preacher had been talking about how he doesn't believe in "sippin saints" and that he better not see us in a liquor store, bar, etc. He is very personable, jokes A LOT but at the same time, he is very opinionated and comes across loud and clear. He even mentioned how he didn't want to hear " the doctor says it's good for me" as an excuse.

So, I decided to do my own research and make up my own mind. I mean, I love my preacher and all, but I am not one of those people that says "my preacher says this, my preacher says that" so I researched the bible. I discovered LOTS of verses in there about not being drunk, but also a lot about drinking wine. All through the Bible it talks about wine. Well, I think that even Jesus drank wine and it is for my health at the suggestion of my Christian doctor and I certainly won't be getting drunk and stupid by drinkin 4 oz a day. So I went to the liquor store and bought some wine and have been trying to drink a glass every night since then. I am not too good at it, as i don't even like it and sometimes I forget, but I do it if I remember and I figure that most nights is better than not at all. Also, I haven't gotten a cold since I started doing this believe it or not, and I looked that up to see if there was a correlation, and it is mentioned in a few places that there may be correlation between red wine and not getting viruses as easily.

My point being that I am now doing something that is not approved of at my church. I wanted to discuss this with him, sent him an email but then he was out of town. I saw him the next sunday and he started to talk to me, but then someone came up and interupted with an emergency of some sort and he said "this is some good stuff, we'll talk about it later" and then I never pressed it since then, as I had already made up my own mind.

Does any of that make sense to you?

4:44 pm
January 3, 2006


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

makes perfect sense!

I told my pastor that I was having issues with this idea of offering 10% of your income to the church – he did a whole sermon on that one day…and in his sermon – made a point to say that somehow, god will provide more if you give to him.

But yet, in our private meeting, he said if you can't, you can't….don't risk not paying the rent to pay the church.

My brother belonged to the witnesses once, was studying with them – never became a member…and he was facing jail time if he didn't keep up his restitution payments – and the elders kept telling him god will provide – all he has to do is keep studying….well, studying time cut into his ability to work a second job – so he was falling behind on restitution…eventually he stopped studying – cuz god was not gonna keep him out of jail – HE WAS. He gave it a chance – but jail was looming…and while god may think that's where he belonged and that may have been the plan – it was not my brother's plan one bit. that was the end of his indoctrination into the witnesses.

my pastor basically says that you do the best you can – you read the bible for guidance – and then you determine how you can follow it – and don't kick yourself if you can't follow it exactly – that it's a process – and progress – not perfection.

Drink that wine – and I would avoid a discussion with the preacher about it. Cuz if he STILL doesn't approve – you are going to feel weird about facing him – and knowing he is looking down on you about it. Do it cuz you know it's right – and it's between you and god – not your preacher.

5:28 pm
January 3, 2006


mamabear

New Member

posts -1

Ali, that is exactly what I decided to do, and have been doing. I also felt that it was between me and god and that if I was doing wrong then somehow I would know. Just like I told you once how the Bible says that if in anything you are not perfect minded god will reveal this to you. Not wanting his disapproval is also partly why I haven't initiated another discussion with him. I am glad that you think the same, I always feel like you and I have a connection, and it is nice to hear some validation. Not that I need it, but I do still like it, you know?

I feel like I am a work in progress. I am happy with my progress, my growth. I don't want anyone undermining that. Some people may heed every word their pastor says, but I say that he doesn't have a monopoly on god's power and or wisdom. He is only a man too, and I am just as capable of reading the bible as he is. Also, I realize that I don't have the intensive bible studies and indoctrination that he does, but I think I have the right to discover what the bible means to mean in my own time. I have a mind, and am capable of making it up for myself. Like you said, it's between me and God, not me and this preacher.

Love and hugs,
Mamabear

9:05 am
January 5, 2006


readyforachange

Member

posts 6

Mamabear…I'm so sorry your birthday sucked. You know, I feel the same way most years. I would expect people to do certain things, and behave in certain ways. Then, when they didn't live up to my expectations, I would be disappointed. Since my divorce, I've decided that I needed to be much more assertive about my expectations, and make my own celebration. I tell my kids that we will be doing something together on my birthday, and I choose what I want to do. We go where I want to eat, and spend the evening doing what I want to do. I don't expect presents, and I buy myself my favorite cake. I know having a birthday on a holiday would be hard…maybe you just have to celebrate at home in a simple way on your actual birthday, with your kids. Then at some point later…maybe your favorite time of the year, or on a warm summer day, you and hubby get mom-in-law to babysit and have your special birthday getaway. God, you deserve it! Dinner, B & B, massage, and then a good night's sleep! Just make a promise to yourself that you will do it. I think being assertive and asking for what we want is something codependents really struggle with. I know I do. I pray very hard that I will learn to get my needs met without being pushy or bitchy…sometimes there's a fine line. (((((mamabear)))) late birthday hugs for you, and I really hope that you find the time to really celebrate your special day!

3:07 pm
January 5, 2006


mamabear

New Member

posts -1

Ready,
Thanks so much for that response. My husband and I talked about it and he said that he was so sorry he got sick on my birthday and ruined it for me. I told him it was okay, because I was mad but not AT HIM. He said it wasn't ruined after all, just postponed. So I am glad for that and knowing that we'll do it again (hopefully this time without sickness) makes me feel so much better.

Alicat,
I was rereading this thread, and reminded again that I seem to be very affected by hormones…so in the future, I plan to be more aware of that fact. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.

Love,
Mamabear


About the AllAboutCounseling.com Forum

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
40 Guests

Currently Browsing this Topic:
1 Guest

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 37863
Posts: 717551

Membership:

There are 82776 Members
There have been 41 Guests

There are 3 Admins
There is 1 Moderator

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass – 1086
zarathustra – 562
StronginHim77 – 453
2013ways – 419
curious64 – 408
free – 372

Recent New Members: admin

Administrators: ShiningLight (523 Posts), admin (21 Posts), emily430 (0 Posts)

Moderators: devadmin (0 Posts)


 

Copyright © 2014 Internet Brands, Inc. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Health Disclaimer | Cookies