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Mom sucked into incest with adult child
July 6, 2004
11:13 pm
aspiesky
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I gave up my son for adoption in the late 70's. He recently contacted me. I asked him to come vist me; and he did. He seduced me. He left after about a month. I am full of conflicting feelings and there is nobody I can talk to that is not going to judge me. I feel like he is evil but so am I as I created him and I allowed myself to do this. I miss him and want him to come back; I also want to never see him again. I want to warn the rest of my family about him; I don't want to tell them at all. Does anyone have any advice?

July 7, 2004
8:19 am
artist 2
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Seek help. Go to a Sex and Love Addicts meeting somewhere in your area. To do something like this is not having control over yourself or your life.

July 7, 2004
9:39 am
aspiesky
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To answer Twinke:

Yes I was very young. I married his father at 16 to get out of my dysfunctional family; his father had married me for a "front" because he was gay and joining the military. I didn't know the truth about that until we were married about 6 months. I left his father after about 10 months of marriage and simultaneously found out I was pregnant. His father ignored the situation and left it up to me to handle; I decided to give up the child for adoption (I turned 18 the month he was born) and get on with my life; also I feared the child would be "like" his father.

Turns out that yes, the child has some problems all right - the biggest one is feeling he is a woman trapped in a man's body and wants a sex change! I had naively hoped that the adoption would give him a chance for a "normal" life, but genetically the stage was set from the moment of conception.

Already feeling a great deal of sorrow and guilt and pity for him, I told him to come visit me. We were sexually attracted to each other from the first, it did not "feel" like a mother/child relationship to either of us, more like some gorgeous stranger had been dropped into our lap by fate and genetics. And after a couple weeks, I broke down and gave in to it, after he made the first move. I thought, right before I gave in, will God forgive me, forgive us? And then I though, well, he created us the way we are, both of us; and he brought us back together, knowing who and how we are...

I never wanted to reunite with this child, was always scared of doing so, knowing it would cause me great pain. I had another child in the mid 90's and that son begged me to find his brother; my mother had been mourning the adoption all these years; they were estatic when I took the necessary steps for contact and this child was found. Now they are not so estatic, in view of his intentions to have a sex change; there is no way I can tell them the whole story. My sisters have become very interested in meeting and talking to him as well. He, on the other hand, is sort of pushing them away, says everyone "wants a piece of him"; and his motivations for making contact were simply to find ME, and look what he did with me when he did! He is not interested in finding his father at this point, although we are all curious as to whether the father was not simply "gay" but had gender issues as well that he never discussed.

Anyway, I'm a mess. I love my child as a person but I'm also afraid I'm partially "in love" with him as well. I am as accepting of his gender issues as I can be and try to see him as someday becoming my "daughter". It's hard to deal with that issue alone and of itself, without the incest thrown in for added complexity. And it's just impossible to talk to anyone about the incest; I have tried to be open with everyone about the gender issue so they will give me some slack if I get a little wierded out (coworkers, friends, family, etc.); but I know if I tell about the incest I will be hated by all and their support will turn to rejection and disgust.

Normally I'm not the kind of person who keeps secrets or feels the need to; I just let it all hang out and if people don't like what I'm doing, oh well. But this is different. And its very hard to control my emotions. I'm not sure how he feels, really, but he emailed me a pornographic story this morning that was quite similar to some time we spent together and I am still very attracted/repelled by the whole relationship. I want to get on with my life and forget him, but I don't want it to end, either.

Thank you for your interest and support. It is nice to be able to tell this to somebody, especially anonimously.

July 7, 2004
9:53 am
aspiesky
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To answer artist2:

I don't feel I am sexually addicted, as I have sort of "grown out" of any promiscuity I had in my youth; normally I stick to serial monagomy and am between relationships at this point. And any tendencies I have toward love addictions I have learned to deal with. If I could treat this as a fling with "anyone else" I could probably deal with it. The fact that this is my child is what is messing me up. Therefore I feel that the forum of such a group is not exactly tailored for my situation.

My child, on the other hand, IS sexually addicted (to the point of needing orgasms 5-6 times DAILY since his early teens) and I have told him he needs to seek help, but I doubt that he will as he was incarcerated by his adoptive parents in a mental ward at the age of 12 for three months and is very scarred by the experience and very resistant to counseling.

I feel I DO have control over most of my life - I work, pay my bills, etc. Howver the situation with this child is something I never had control of - I was on the pill and should never have conceived him; I tried to get him out of my life by means of adoption; now that I know the truth about him I feel like it has always been beyond my control and my futile attempts to change his legacy of dysfunction and gender problems have been for nothing. I AM trying to control my life and avoid dysfunction - I moved 1000 miles away from my family in an attempt to have some control and stay out of the messes that brew amongst them, but it seems I can run but I cannot hide.

Thank you for your advice and support.

July 7, 2004
11:41 am
kathygy
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aspiesky,

I am not judging you but I do think it is wrong to have sex with your own child. Something is off if you feel partially in love with your own child and he sounds like he has a lot of problems. There is something about him that is drawing you in and its probably not love. I think you need to find out what that is and go for help.

July 7, 2004
12:00 pm
sixfootblonde
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Suspending any judgements, or as many as possible....to say the very least your child is confused. You are not helping. However you love your child, seems to me a complicated situation is made infinitely more complicated by contact with one another. For the sake of both of you and your mental health, I think it's apparent you two need to stay seperated.

July 7, 2004
12:13 pm
passion
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aspiesky,

I believe some sort of therapy will help you discover the root issues in this situation. Do what's best for yourself seek help and support.

July 7, 2004
2:30 pm
Sam7
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Aspiesky,

Hi. I'm sorry to hear about your problem. I think that you definitely need some counselling. I don't know if we can help you here because we have different types of problems. I honestly have no idea what to say and I have no comprehension of what you have done. Somewhere where people can understand and/or have some knowledge would probably be of greater benefit to you. As to your son's problems, they are his problems, not yours. He will deal with them when and how he choses to. Best of luck to you.

July 7, 2004
8:24 pm
Worried_Dad
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Well, on the one hand you are actually strangers to each other regardless of the biological connection. It is strange that he would seduce you if he feels like a woman in a man's body.

If he needs 4-5 orgasms per day then he will probably not like what happens if he has gender reassignment surgery--not for sure he will ever be able to have an orgasm again after that--they do take out a lot of...flesh.

July 7, 2004
9:11 pm
aspiesky
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OK, I get the point - I am not coming here with a typical problem, nobody can relate, and I don't belong here. I have never belonged anywhere so that is no surprise. I will get off your site and stay off, and please tell your webmaster to remove my thread and title so it will not upset anyone further.

Thanks for your "support" and if I meet anyone who wants to whine about something simplistic and mundane enough for you I will tell them this is the place to be.

July 7, 2004
10:44 pm
gingerleigh
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Sorry you didn't get the support here that you needed or were hoping for. No one on this forum wishes to alienate newcomers, so it would be beneficial if you could tell us what you were hoping to hear. But I understand if you aren't able to articulate that.

Your issue is a serious one. In much the same way, if someone comes here considering suicide, the advice is for that person to seek professional help. This forum does NOT offer professional advice. Very few of us are trained counselors, and there is no way to know who is trained and who is merely a human being reaching out to help another. Please seek professional assistance, and be good to yourself.

Peace,
Ginger

July 7, 2004
11:07 pm
free
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aspiesky

I wish I knew the right words to say.

Just want you to know I'm thinking about you, and hope things work out for you. You are right in that you don't have a typical problem, but keep searching. Nobody is ever alone.

Incest is a taboo subject, but it does need to be discussed and brought into the open. There is generally a great deal of pain on the survivor's part where incest is concerned. It's hard to tell, who is the victim here, who is the perpetrator if there even is one? Where are the lines?

I don't think the above posts are intended to drive you away. I think they are a "flag" that there are victim's here in healing and victim's in healing do tend to lash out. I think there was an intent to let you know that you might recieve some hostile posts.

It seems in this situation as though love for a child and sexual love was somehow intertwined. That's confusing when the child is a grown adult, and then even more, a stranger.

there are obviously some pretty deep issues that need to be tended. A therapist can help with that I'm sure. I for one, would be interested in hearing what a therapist had to say, and what you learn and discover in coping with this.

free

July 8, 2004
7:28 am
GiGkatz
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Aspiesky Seems to me your taking this on personally.I've read what ever one said. NOONE is condeming you.Your son does seem to have a sexual problem. AND mom or no mom, your actions aren't helping him. Obviously the person is not dealing with himself(internally). His identity seems to be distorded.And yes Maybe GOD brought you'll back together. You may be the one to help him.internally. God Bless you both.

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