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Married Woman: Fantasizing about a man from work

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1:09 pm
October 23, 2003

site coordinator

New Member

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My Question:


This question is adult in context: I would like feedback on this thought if you can…..

Right now, I feel like I crossed a line when I fantasized about someone from work. I feel like I cheated on my Husband and feel guilty about it. The guy from work and I flirt and talk about one another's significant others. All in fun though and we try to help eachother with disagreements we may have had with them. I get a male point of view and he gets a female side. Does this seem bad now that I fantasized about this Guy??

My problem is, being that I am married and I have always fantasized about ONLY my Husband when I masturbate, now I have started thinking about other Men. I feel like a Slut? Am I a slut?

AND, On Top of ALL That…… I just watched that movie "Unfaithful" With Diane Lane and Richard Gere, GREAT movie by the way!!! In this movie it is about a woman (Diane Lane) who is in an 11 year marriage (Richard Gere), she's bored of the everyday hum drum of married life and this exciting french guy bumps in to her and she's excited by the attention. She doesn't get attention like that from home cause her husband works ALL the time so she is enthralled by this Guy. They eventually have sex and the husband finds out……etc. Basically it turns out a disaster! Not giving the end in case you haven't seen it.

I mayself could never cheat on my husband so that
isn't even an issue.

Thanks for listening.

2:07 pm
October 23, 2003


New Member

posts -1

Ah. The eternal dilemma.

Old timers on here know I've been in your shoes. Twice. The first time I never ever intended to cheat on my husband either. But I did. The level of intimacy that grew between this other man and myself soon choked out the intimacy that should have been between my husband and I. The things I turned to him with were things I should have sat down with and discussed with my husband. The distance in my marriage grew slowly and after a friendship with this other man, after two and a half years I caved. It ended immediately afterward because my eyes were then wide open as to how far I had come basically without realizing it, or should I say without really even meaning to. It happens in small ways and looks and secrets and it's a hidden but very very real threat to your marriage.

Did I learn? You would think after all the anguish all three of us suffered after, that I would have. But it very nearly happened to me again. A year ago this month, a good friend of mine and I began to grow too close. We had conversations that were harmless but they bonded us and soon we began to discuss whether I was happy. Mind you, until this point, I had been! But under scrutiny and accompanied by the flattering attention of a very attractive man who just happened to do for a living what I have always glamorized in my mind (rodeo cowboy), I began to wonder. Soon I was hearing, "nobody understands you like I do. You can be yourself with me." I believed it and I began to feed into it. The funny thing is, the me that everyone else knew, was the real me. The me that loved my husband and valued my marriage and had worked so hard to rebuild it. The reason nobody knew me like him was because nobody else in my life sublty picked it apart and made me doubt myself. But it took me so many months to see this. I began to neglect my marriage, and sought out the company of this man whenever I could. I attributed more positives to this guy than perhaps he deserved. I began to play him and by that I mean, I gave him reason to think I would leave my marriage for him. I never could and I never could figure out why. Later looking back it was clear that I couldn't leave because deep down I knew all along that I was where I need to be. This cowboy was an ego boost and when my husband and I would disagree over something it was so validating to have this handsome man assure me I was in the right and I deserved better. Sure things with my hubby and I weren't always perfect but why couldn't I see that the way to fix them was to do the exact opposite of what I was in fact doing? Because I was in too deep.

I would like to tell you I was wise and I came to my senses. I shudder to think how things would be different today if he hadn't been so upfront and honest about his lifestyle, and the nomadic quality of it. I am terrified of being alone, and that fact kept me from doing God only knows what stupid thing to my life.

I walked away. About five times in fact, before I got to where I am now. Where I am now is a very tenuous grasp, because even after months of no contact, when he left a sad message with a friend of mine three weeks ago, I foolishly called him. The same old connection was there, the same old giddiness and laughter we always shared, and the same old withdrawal when I felt the same old tug in the days following. But after doing a good old look in the mirror, I know I'll never put myself thru that again. It comes down to this; it's just not worth it.

Trust me on this. The attention, the admiration and the sizzle of a new attraction hanging in the air isn't worth it. I believe you when you say you don't mean to cheat on your husband. But honey I've walked in your shoes before and I'm here to tell you, you've taken the first steps down that path. I hope things work out ok for you and you remember that if you want a man's feedback about your husband, you should be talking to your husband. What if your hubby told you he couldn't understand you and so therefore needed to spend time discussing the problems between the two of you with another woman, how would you feel?

I'm not judging you. I sit here with tears in my eyes because I know the heartache ahead of you if this continues. You have my sincere urging to end this. You'll wish you had, eventually. But by then it might be too late.

–one who's been there

2:25 pm
October 23, 2003

Dr. Kim

New Member

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I have this posted on a stickey on my computer.
Where Your Thoughts Take You
As you think, you travel; and as you love, you attract. You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you….
Into your hands will be placed the exact results of your thoughts; you will receive that which you earn -no more; no less.
Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain or rise with your thoughts; your vision; your ideal.
You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant aspiration.

Spend some time searching your soul for what you really value and hold your thoughts captive.

I have been down this road. I do understand. It ended in two broken marriages and 8 broken lives.

2:50 pm
October 23, 2003


New Member

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But when your husband refuses to have any intimacy (emotional, I mean) and he only agrees to a very superficial kind of communication, and he hates to talk about things from the heart and about the relationship, and you meet someone who gives you all that, then what unbelieavable strengths does one need to say 'no, I stick to my husband?'

2:53 pm
October 23, 2003


New Member

posts -1

Very thought provoking words, Dr. Kim!

I read another one on here a while back. It was about an Indian boy who was visiting with his grandfather. The grandfather was telling the boy that everyone in life has two wolves with him — one wolf is all that is good and pure, while the other is evil and wrong. These two wolves battle all your life for dominance over your actions. The grandson asked, "which one will win?"

To which the grandfather simply replied, "Whichever wolf you feed."

That hit me right between the eyes. It is so true!!

2:55 pm
October 23, 2003


New Member

posts -1

If it's just fantasy, that's one thing… for instance, if you are fantasizing about Richard Gere, well, which man hasn't fantasized about Pamela Anderson or Elizabeth Hurley? But. It gets scarier when the fantasy man is not just a fantasy, but a possibility.

Try not to think of it as "walking away" or "cutting yourself off". Try to walk towards your husband, or form a stronger bond with your husband, do some fun things together, just you and he, and see if you can get some genuine fun back between the two of you.

These feelings you describe are common and natural, but doesn't mean that you should continue to entertain them once you feel their destructive sway. You got your warning somehow that this isn't right to you. Now it's up to you to process and act on that information.

Good luck, be strong!

10:07 pm
October 23, 2003


New Member

posts -1

Good advise Gingerleigh. I have been in these shoes before too. It gets harder every day to give it up. Why not just try to go cold-turkey for a week and see if you are already in a mess?

Mafi, What do you do when your husband won't be intimate and meet your needs? Has he been hurt? Have there been problems between you to cause him to shut down or has he always been that way? What attracted you to him?

My ex was very shut down too and I looked elsewhere to have my needs met. I wish that I had done the work on myself before I ended the marriage. I see how much the counceling and spiritual work has changed me and I know it could have helped him too. I have seen it transform lives. It is so easy to walk toward something we think is better before trying to heal ourselves. I think 6-ft-blond hit the nail on the head when she asked how you would feel if your husband were discussing his needs with another woman. We'd all be bolistic!!! You know in your heart I can tell, that this is getting too serious. Are you the type of person that has self-discipline? Are you able to say no to something you want real bad? I never learned the discipline thing as a child. Man its a hard lesson but a sign of maturity. I will pray for you to the right thing with this. Really, really try to get away with your husband and spend some intimate time together talking about dreams, goals, fears, and yes..even fantacies.

1:01 am
October 24, 2003



i'm curious to know what she likes about that guy, what qualities he has. come on in, friend you can talk to here right here, we're all anonymous.

6:29 am
October 24, 2003


New Member

posts -1

In my case, I have tried every possible venue to communicate with my wife. NO AVAIL. She is not expressive type. Sex for her is a chore that she has to do, it is not fun and opportuinty to get connected with me. It was her choice to get married to me. I knew she was not my type but I went along with her. How foolish I was!!!!!

I am now ready to fulfill my sexual and emotional needs with another woman. I am staying in this marriage because my kids nothing more.


9:44 am
October 24, 2003


New Member

posts -1

Question …..Would you guys still feel the same if she had a boyfriend instead of a husband?

I think that marriage is a sacred thing but if your in the trials of a relationship should you get out now before it's too late?

Or continue to work on an issue that may just be dead?

The reason I'm asking is because I think my boyfriend and I need counseling and we're NOT EVEN MARRIED YET!!!

11:14 am
October 24, 2003


New Member

posts -1

Today's Motto :)
If its broke, try to fix it…if you can't…run!

Just teasing….

Hi Anonymous…hope you dare to come on in and post with us here on the AAC. I've been doing it for a year and as you can see have developed a sense of humor.

4:39 pm
October 24, 2003


New Member

posts -1

hi, I think everyone has fantasy's about the opposite sex. What makes it wrong is to keep it going. one is not unusual, but if you keep going back for more, then you are forming a stronghold to someone other than your mate, and that is very dangerous. Take hold of yourself, and do something fun with your mate. Put some fantasy back in your marriage, it spices things up and makes new memories. And happier times for sure when you don't have guilt along for the ride…

10:34 am
October 27, 2003

site coordinator

New Member

posts -1


I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice, it has shed ALOT of light on my situation. I no longer am even thinking about this man and have thought deeply about what everyone has said. I Love my Husband very much and am working on fixing this issue. I cannot even look at the other Man anymore. I will not see him for a few days and am planning on telling him that I think our behavior is inappropriate and would like to discontinue our talks. Hopefully he will understand. He has been having marital problems like I have so we've been each other scapegoats for the last month and it's just not right.

Thank you for the Eye Opener.


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