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Married 17 years and I'm So Lonesome I Could Die

UserPost

6:21 pm
November 7, 2004


shastais

New Member

posts -1

I've been with my husband since 1982. We lived together for 5 years, got married, bought a house, had a son, had another son and now…..I don't know who I am or what I'm suppossed to do? We live in a very small house and with the kids being 14 and 15, I do everything in my power to give them their space which leaves me with very little space and that's my bedroom. I feel as though my husband is more of a friend to my son's than he is a Dad. My husband drinks (I quit 11 years ago because I was a MEAN drunk) and he hasn't even cut back. He gives me about 5 minutes of his time when he comes home from work and then he heads off to the garage where the beer and the kids are. Then, he comes in for supper, takes a shower, and it's off to bed. And THIS is my LIFE??? I honestly wish I knew where I screwed up? Now that I'm considering the thought of moving out, he thinks it's just to make a statement. I think it's to stop feeling like the maid (and a free one at that!) I don't want a divorce but after 17 years of marriage and living like this for 15 years, I don't know HOW I feel or how I SHOULD feel? I DO know that I feel very lonely and sad. When I try to include myself in the things they do, I feel rejected. When I'm happy, they think I'm weird. So….for the last 8-10 weeks, I have been just nothing. I don't talk to them or question them about anything so I can just be. But now I have become a shell of a person and I am so scared and confused and of course, depressed.Anyone else out there with 2 teeaged sons and a husbund that don't care about you? Love to hear how you deal with life!!

6:36 pm
November 7, 2004


on my way

New Member

posts -1

Hi, I can relate. I can relate to the shell of a person feeling, and I can relate to being the only female in a house of men, I had three sons. My sons learned to treat me the way their father did, it was a constatn survival battle. However, I did divorce my husband, or I believe to this day that Iwould NOT have survived. He did not drink though, but we were both codependent…but did not know it. Today we are different people, because we both have received counseling for codependency. We changed ourselves and stopped blaming each other. We are friends, but not married any longer. My sons turned out wonderful, in spite of. Some people stay married and work it out, but not without counseling. There are reasons we make the decisions we do. Am I encouraging youto leave, no, that would be your decision, but do get some help if you can. And maybe this web site can help you to at least think throughsome things and give yousome positive ideas. Your life is probably workable, ait is just a matter of learning how. My heart goes out to you.

7:05 pm
November 7, 2004


wallace

New Member

posts -1

Hi, you have lost yourself. You will not feel whole or alive until you rediscover yourself. If you can do whatever and go whereever you want, what would you want for yourself? It's a place to start from.

7:15 pm
November 7, 2004


jossy

New Member

posts -1

I feel your pain, this weekend for me has been one of the worst, I have 2 teenage daughters, and maybe they are more symphatetic than sons, but they too have their own lives. And then comes my guilt of staying in a marriage with a man that thinks that I should only get cheap things, and that makes me feel.. well.. cheap. When I married him I was very succesful in an advertising career, made good money and came from a family that did ok, can't complain, and I think that he resents that and does anything possible to belittle me. He will never accept anything from me, a coffee, or anything I offer (I feel rejected), he doesn't have time for me, but he has enough to play with the dogs, and of course the girls, and I keep hanging on and going to therapy, for what? I know I should leave. I'm so devaluated and lost I wouldn't know where to start.
Don't feel alone, I'll be listening.
Jossy

7:31 pm
November 7, 2004


CAMER

Member

posts 100

wouldn't it be better to be alone by yourself, rather than with someone and being alone?? you do have choices, and I know they may be hard, at least if you leave you can find out the real you, and what you want in life, and start re discovering life. You only deserve the best.

7:46 pm
November 7, 2004


shastais

New Member

posts -1

Yes, I believe I would be MUCH better off being alone, by myself rather than with someone!! That is exactly what I have been trying to tell him but he likes to turn everything around on me. If I left, then what, right?? RIGHT!!! Then WHAT!!!!!!

7:56 pm
November 7, 2004


CAMER

Member

posts 100

thats part of manipulation and control when HE changes things around to you….and if you did leave, then what?? happiness, no more pain, learing to love you more, you will still either have your kids with visitations…this is all about YOU now, not how HE feels or how he reacts…just think of how quickly these past years have gone by…do you want to spend more precious years being unhappy and being with him??? there is alot of soul searching for you to do. Good luck.

8:04 pm
November 7, 2004


shastais

New Member

posts -1

It's 7:00 PM and I'm going to go to sleep (I LOVE sleeping more than being awake:( with your words on my mind. So much better than what's been on my mind for the last how many days, weeks, months?? (Probably YEARS and now that IS sad:( But, you are right, and I am going to see a counselor and I have to start living, happily, because I'm sure not getting any younger!!

8:19 pm
November 7, 2004


CAMER

Member

posts 100

good luck with counseling, i have done it for years in the past and it has helped me so much. Especially with being honest and opening up to others on my needs and wants.

I wish you a pleasant nites sleep, you deserve it!

8:45 pm
November 7, 2004


on my way

New Member

posts -1

One thing to keep in mind is that you can't change him, only yourself. I remember the manipulation in my marriage as well..it made me accept blame, and I extended myself beyond the normal, and ended up losing myself and exhausted. And with the boys, I was just renederd ineffective from all of the confusion and abuse. You will find a way to do what you need to do. God Bless.

12:05 am
November 8, 2004


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Hi Shastais,

Have you tried going to Al-Anon?

You cannot control what your husband does (his drinking or his actions), but you can learn to control your reactions to him. You can learn to cope through Al-Anon, and as suggested by others – counseling.

Good luck… self growth is hard, but so worth it.

Z.

5:43 am
November 8, 2004


mucktup

New Member

posts -1

Hi Shastais,

Just to let you know I am in the same "is this all life is about" boat.

I have been with my partner for 17 years too, and while he looks after our small son and I physically extremely well, there is absolutely nothing else there, no social outings, no communication (except hassle), no sex, no cuddles,no kisses, nothing. Why do I continue? Guilt.

However, this year I decided I was going to change, and learn to enrich my own life. Am having an affair which is not the answer, but fulfills many needs (but gives me as many problems), am learning to dance, taken up outdoor pursuits and learning to ride a motorbike!

The loneliness continues but the despair is lifting. My life is richer and the days I am being entertained are great.

Hope this encourages you to think about doing something for you and not wait for others to enrich your life, even if it does mean living in the same house with him, which is what I hate, but I do.

8:41 am
November 8, 2004


shastais

New Member

posts -1

To all who have given me great ideas, I thank you. ALONON has been an option. Just makes me mad it's something I have to do in order to cope living with his drinking problem. I quit for him and my kids so I guess my feelings are that he should do the same. I did it BEFORE the kids knew what I was like. They KNOW what he's like although they tell me, "Why make him quit when that's the only time he's happy?" Now if that's not pathetic, I don't know what is!! But everyone's right.. if I can't change him, I need to be the one to do something for myself. I do want to pick up outside activities but that too seems so lonely. It just can't be as lonely as the life I'm living now. I go see my counselor for the 2nd time next week, (I had to change today's appointment for work) then she wants me to see a pyshiatrist which I have done twice in the past.(Both of whom QUIT.You'd think it would have been the other way around.) That's what makes it so hard. To start all over again!! Being the pesimist I am, putting me on yet another medication just doesn't get my hopes up as I have been on 13 different ones in the past 12 years. How's THAT for a no-work record? I do hope that THIS time, something works as I hate the fact that each morning I wake up saying the same old word and it sure isn't "YEAH"!!!

9:53 pm
November 8, 2004


Juanita

Member

posts 25

Not many words of wisdom, just a simple I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely. Especially when there are family around who could help that feeling go away.

Be brave, keep your chin up, and try to stay optimistic (from one pessimist to another – its a struggle).

Keep thinking that it will only get better if you keep on perservering.

1:03 am
November 10, 2004


princess44

New Member

posts -1

I was married young and discovered after 18 years of marriage I didn't know my husband. He was afraid of closeness and intimacy. He was diagnosed as very self-centered and limited in his ability to be really intimate. He finally got involved with the internet and fantasized about other women but really couldn't be in relationship with anyone. We separated, did counseling and after 4 years divorced. I went to hell and back and now I am much happier. It was not easy and I still continue counseling. My kids are doing great
and I am finally able to see life and make choices I want. Getting my divorce was the scariest experience, but I was more afraid of what I was living. He was there but didn't care
about me or his children. He was like a detached roommate. Try counseling and see what feedback you get. You will definitely see from a professinal's viewpoint what you are dealing with. Good luck to you.


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