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Lonely vs. Being Alone

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5:37 pm
March 12, 2005


New Member

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I have read so many posts here that have to do with loneliness that I thought maybe we needed an open thread on this topic. It is pertinent for both singles and married folks, as I am married with 4 teenagers and yet still have pangs of loneliness from time to time. Other times I am alone and bask in the joy of quietness.

I remember back in the days after my divorce how difficult it was to be alone (even though I had been in an abusive, controlling relationship), yet the counselor I was seeing at the time told me that if I could learn to actually like being alone then I was ready for a relationship with a man. She was right, I did force myself to stay unattached for a year and learned to enjoy living alone.

For those who have been over-controlled or suffer abandonment, the prospect of freedom can be terrifying, as it was for me. I did learn that being alone vs being lonely are choices that I had to make each day. We cannot control others' behaviors and choices, but neither can we wait on others to control ours. We have to choose to look at each day as a gift (we're still living) from God and, as such, to live it to the fullest, with or without a mate.

Any other thoughts on this? Can anyone else share what has helped them overcome their loneliness without jumping into another bad relationship?

Thanks, blessings,

7:04 pm
March 12, 2005


New Member

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I enjoyed your posting and am not sure I have much to add. I am like you in that at times I feel lonely and unconnected to others. The worst is when I am in a close relationship and feel completely alone. I think it is an adjustment to get used to being alone (and I am making that now). It's hard forme because I am spontaneous and don't like going out alone and sometimes can't reach my girlfriends.

7:56 pm
March 12, 2005


New Member

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Coda_Mom…I too am not sure how much I would have to add since I am in the midst of overcoming my fear of being alone and feeling alone.

I truly believe the ONLY way to combat this fear is to do what you did and spend a certain amount of time being alone, learning to love yourself and learning to be comfortable alone.

I have lived for 5 yrs alone since my 11 yr relationship.. and most of the time I will date men (was just with an addict for 2 1/2 yrs)or be out with friends just to avoid being alone, but there have been months where I have been ALL alone and still never defeated the lonliness.

I think the key is learning to love yourself..Also the key is facing our issues, b/c basically we fear being alone b/c being alone means facing ourselves.

I would be very interested to hear others suggestion on overcoming lonliness

9:23 pm
March 12, 2005


New Member

posts -1

Peacesoul, very profound. I've never heard it put that way. Being alone means facing ourselves. Terrifiing thought! I never even considered that.
Should have, it makes perfect sense to me. You've given me a lot to think about.

4:25 pm
March 13, 2005


New Member

posts -1

The least ten years before I got divorced after 25 years were hell. The last couple of years before the divorce I never felt lonelier and we were living together still. I would much rather be alone and lonely than live with someone and feel lonely. It's painful.

8:49 pm
March 13, 2005



posts 62

For me i think its best to be alone then to be with someone who makes you miserable and not alone.I am in the process of being alone for awhile.I already been alone now without my husband for a year in a half now.Last year it was TORCHER.I was crying and crying over him regardless to the situation he put me in and then it dawned on me that it was for the best that i live without him.He has been verbally abusive to me and controlling for a long time and its time that i be alone for a long time until i find the right person.I am going for a divorce.But i believe that in order to keep from getting into a bad relationship you would need alone time for yourself for awhile to sort things out and resolve those old issues from your marriage or past relationships.You would need time out.So that way you don't bring in the same old baggage past issues into another relationship.It will be hard but in the long run it works out for the best for you and your relationships.

9:24 pm
March 13, 2005


New Member

posts 0

I have been alone for the last seven years. It is amazing. What helped me most is that ever since my childhood, I was independent autonomous kid. Most of time on my own, studying by myself, improving, reading. So in my adulthood it was't a big challenge.
Although I am warm person, but sometimes I feel that I like to be on my own, or even too many people scare me off. I made the best of this time by cleansing my soul from all the past, hurts, abuse, injustice, hate that was inflicted upon me.

Now I feel like a fresh, clean, newly washed laundry coming out of the washing machine.

I adopted an astray cat. I love her so much; I have an intimate relationship with the Lord. He is my best friend, therefore I became my best friend. Yes I do miss the company of someone special with whom I can connect, from the opposite sex. I told the Lord that, and I believe He will bring him at the right moment. I stopped worrying or fretting, I have become childlike like I have never been before!!!

Thank you Coda Mom for this thread, your threads are always smart!

10:26 pm
March 13, 2005


New Member

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Rasputin, great insight, and that is the key to "being alone" as opposed to "being lonely".
In some of the other threads i've posted in, you can see where i've come from to where i am now. I thought i'd never say this, but I LOVE BEING ALONE!!!!
Before now, i was terrified to be alone, and as peacesoul said, it was because i would have to stop and deal with myself, a scary thought at the time! I am now dealing with myself, my character defects, my shortcomings and for each one that i deal with, i find a new good attribute lying beneath each one. Back to the subject, i was lonely living with my ex-fiancee for 3 years, yet now, with my Higher Power in my life, and my little chihuahua, and my new best friend, me, i feel an inner peace that is very sweet.Now i know that if i am to meet someone to share my life with, i can actually BRING something to the relationship and not take, at least hopefully that's what it means. CODA is a hard habit to break, that's for sure!

6:19 am
March 14, 2005


New Member

posts -1

Wow, great input, all.

It seems that what has helped folks to cope with their "aloneness" and actually thrive in it has been learning to love and accept themselves, having a cherished pet and/or having a close relationship with their Higher Power (mine is Jesus).


Your post is so inspiring…wish we could cut and past and use it for everyone who posts and mentions that they are lonely, keep spreading the contentment, it is catching!

Love & hugs to all,

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