September 27, 2010
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 agonizing years and have a four almost five year old daughter. He is addicted to drugs, and I'm his enabler. He was thrown in jail about two years ago and was released last November. We had broken up for about 6 months while he was incarcerated. Anyway, I've given this person a thousand chances to straighten up. He caused me to file bankruptcy, he's stolen so much money from me it's sickening, and he's never really been all that nice to me.
He has moments of "clarity" that suck me right back in and I think maybe things will change. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and got back together with him in November, but since then he's had several nights that he never came home or stays up all night on meth. He's also neglected to pay rent, he leaves that burden onto me. He sold his car I saw no money, he's also pawned everything of value he owns...now he's moving on to me.
Last night he stole the money I EARNED for bills so that he could go on a drug binge. I needed that money to pay the daycare.
Where I need help is, why is it so hard to let him go? I feel so deeply intertwined and attached to him. I keep taking him back and basically take care of him. NONE of my needs are met. I don't know that I recall a real conversation ever taking place. He has ADHD so he can never focus - apparently nothing I say is of any value.
I'm just sick in tired of being sick and tired. The stress is too much. I work full time, go to school full time, take care of my daughter and two dogs, but my HE is probably the most stressful, difficult aspect of my life.
Being constantly kicked down emotionally and mentally is too much to handle. When I opened my wallet last night and found he stole my money, another piece of my heart and spirit shattered onto the floor. If I had known the extra hours I put in at work would have gone to him I wouldn't have bothered.
What do I do? I wish 1 person in this world wouldn't see me as some pathetic, pitiful person who is to blame for what is happening to me. I am to blame because I keep allowing him back in my life - people don't understand though it's not that easy to let him go. I'm 23 going on 40 it seems. I want to let go and breath freely without the burden of him holding me down...
Most people can't even believe that I'm with him, they usually ask if I'm his sister - we have nothing in common other than his addictions power over me.
September 29, 2010
First I have to say I LOVE YOUR NICKNAME....it is so cute...lol.
Anyway, back to the business at hand.
My suggestion would be for you to attend an Al-Anon meeting. It is a free support group for friends and families of alcoholics (and addicts). There you will learn to take the focus off the addict and to place the focus on yourself, which is what you need to do.
They can help you learn to detach and stop enabling the addict.
It is by no means a quick fix but it is the right place to start.
Also, there are great books on co-dependency that may help.
1. Women Who Love Too Much...by Robin Norwood
2. Co-dependency No More....by Melanie Beatty.
This site is also a wonderful place to come for wisdom, insight, encouragement and support....so keep coming.
Good Luck, I hope this helped.
September 27, 2010
I've considered going to Al-Anon, but have been unsure about it. I really need counseling or something. I'm drawn toward people with issues...perhaps I'm afraid to be around people who are normal? Thanks for your input, I am going to call some local Al-Anon places. I might also read Co-Dependency No-More, it's sitting at my parent's house, my mom bought it a couple years back.
September 24, 2010
I can relate..I'm going through the same thing with my husband..we've been married 3 yrs. and he's been doing about the same thing as your man..I keep taking him back too..Right know we are not together..we have been apart for about 2 months..it's been rough..he has been staying with a neighbor acorss the street and I see this woman go there and stay a few nites aweek and it's hard to watch..I sold my condo and the closing is in about 2 weeks..hopefully I won't take him back again..this is the longest we've been apart and it's been hard..I miss him so bad..but we are no good together..I have to let him go..he gives me no support in anyway..I'm working hard on staying strong..I go to Alanon meetings 2-3 times aweek..they really do help me..hope you find help too...Angel1
September 30, 2010
I know exactly how you feel, but I was only in my relationship w/ a drug addict for a year, but in that year I fell in love w/ him and it has been verrry hard to stay away from him, it has been 9 weeks now with no contact whatsoever...I was always supporting him to, gave him money, sometimes he would pay me back, I fed him, bought his clothes, sneaked him into my room ( I live w/ my parents) because he had no place to stay, and that second time I did that I got caught and it was not good...I did ALOT for him to.
Mind you he's 43 yrs old!! Anyways, I know for you it must be even harder cus you have been w/ him longer...but it's time to MOVE on....he has not changed and it does not look like he will..you have been there for sooo long and you have supported him, and you have given your ALL to him and he still does not see the light.
It is really breaking you, and emotionally draining you...I know...
I don't see you as pathetic, I have been there and done that to. I have started going to CoDA groups and it has been helping, you should try and go, it will help...I believe if I would have stayed longer the same thing would have happend to me, thank God he never stole from me..but who's to say in the future he wouldn't have.
I know you can break away from him, you need to for your well being as well as your childs..I have had my moments where I want to give in sooo bad, but I just stop myself and THINK of EVERYTHING he has put me through and how he has treated me, that's what stops me...take care, Be strong!!
September 30, 2010
I was in a marriage for 10 yrs to a drug addict(meth). I'm convinced that that drug is the devil himself. I read research that said someone's chances of getting clean and STAYING clean are less than 2% and my ex is living proof of that. I want to tell you to go, go now and don't look back because I know that's exactly what you have to do but I also know that it's so easy for someone to tell you that but so hard to do. And why? I'm not sure.It took me many years to finally file for divorce but even now....I still feel the need to see him, to worry about him, to take care of him. Is this our "addiction"? I agree with everyone else...go to those meetings. I haven't been to any myself but as soon as I post this I'm going on line to find meetings in my area. Come on now...I know we both can do this. For us and for the future of our children.
Thanks and I love you all for sharing!!!!
September 30, 2010
i don't know if this will help...but i went to a tony robbins seminar and i think this technique is life changing. change will never happen until the REALITY of the pain of not changing sinks in. so put yourself in a quiet dark place, and meditate on where you will be in one, three, five and ten years if you allow this man to ruin your life. how will your daughter turn out?imagine the very WORST. make it real in your mind, until you CRY realizing how true it is. Then, shake it off and start over, imagining the wonderful life you will create without him and his addiction. Same way, and make it REAL. take at least a half hour...meet a great father for your daughter,someone who can support you and love you, do you want to have a great job, wonderful place to live? your best dreams. so much of what i did years ago during this exercise has come true, i cannot express how powerful it is. god bless...
September 29, 2010
i know that feeling so very well.. right now as i write this the guy that i have been seeing is in a 3/4 house..and he got a job waiting tables the worst job he could ever really get with the cash tips every night readily available..and he rides a bike to work from his rehab to the restaurant and it is ALL crack houses in between.. i have made him call me every night when he gets back home so i know that he made it safely and didnt use..the other night he called me and sounded as high as ever told me he got off at 1:30 and when he called me it was 2:45..so where was he that hour and a half?? im sure using..but i will never really know for sure..then last night he didnt call me at all..i am so scared..i love him so deeply and care so much about him.. i have left a few messages on his voicemail and the only problem is that the phone he has i am paying for monthly..so if i dont hear from him i guess by tomorrow.. i will have to have it cut off and just give up on him... i just hope with all my heart that nothing happened to him..such as getting mugged or something..but i have no way of finding out..unless i drive down to the rehab where he is at..and when i go there the people that run it call him in the office and tell him that he shouldnt be hanging around with me..then he will yell at me for going there..so i dont know what the answer is...but i know right now my stomach is in knots and i feel like my heart is ripped out of my chest..i only hope that he made it home safely and is sleeping right now.. and i wish they would give those guys a drug test almost every day..it sucks because for as long as he has been in the 3/4 house..1 month..they havent even tested him to see if he has been using..how sad..that they waste all there time there trying to get guys to stay off drugs and wont even test them..well good luck with your man.. i will wait today and hope that he will call me to let me know he is ok..take care..
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