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Lack of affection in marriage

UserPost

9:53 pm
February 15, 2001


kyrie

New Member

posts -1

maybe someone can get me to see something that I am having a hard time understanding. I have been married 5 years to a wonderful mother and person. As good as a person and mother that she is, I am very depressed about our relationship. She grew up in a home where her parents very rarely ever showed affection and kept things very secret. Good parents but lacking in openess, both verbally and emotionally. My wife has these same issues when it comes to our marriage. Romance just doesn't exist in our relationship. She very very rarely ever initiates any affection. It is quite the chore to get a kiss from her ect. This has taken a tole on me emotionally and I'm am now flirting with depression. We agreed on counseling at one point but then changed her mind. My wife does not have a mean bone in her body and I know she is not hurting me on purpose. She just doesn't seem to have the ability to change. She is however very aware of her lack of affection and realizes the problem has alot to do with her up bringing. She seems to be very happy with the way things are due to her lack of need for affection. This has been very difficult for me to accept and is affecting my marriage and life. I am very close to getting counseling without her knowledge. I have talked to her about it but she seems to be denying how bad this is effecting me. any advice?

11:24 pm
February 15, 2001


ranmar1

New Member

posts -1

Kyrie,
If she truly knows how much it hurts you, and she truly loves you, she will go to counseling not for her, but for you. I too have a very unemotional wife, with the exact same up bringing. They have no role model to follow, so they don't know how to act. I've been in counseling now for six weeks, and I can tell you, go not only for her, but for yourself. You will discover things about not only yourself, but about her, whether she goes or not. I hope you are able to work through this episode. Look at my thread at "Help Me Please x2" and you'll see what I mean. Good luck.

12:33 am
February 16, 2001


GOOD LUCK

New Member

posts -1

KYREI
I hope I can help you,I have been married for almost three years and I started noticing the same problem on my husband just after our marriege, he is a very loving and caring person but when it comes to be creative in our marriege especially in bed he is not to good he had a hard time before letting me know that he loved me or wanted to be with me which is unusual in a guy because I'm the one that comes from a very estrict family of strong belives., but the way it sound with your wife is like she had a problem before,because you guys have been married for five years, think about it have things been like now always ? or did they chance a while a go, I know now my husband is like that ,what I did was simple, I am getting use to him, I plan our dates, I buy my self sexy clothes, see He did not know that meant something important to me, because he never had nobody to tell him or teach what to do or not to do.
because Hi has a hard time being espontaneus well I do it for Him and he loves me so much to do anything for me and now he is learning to be like me because he did not know how to treat me before,he is not good with the kissing also is just in bed, and that's really not me but he is getting better.
I have been in therapy before too, but the only way you guys are going to get somewhere is talking about it, becuase that's what the counsuler is going to make you do after the session.
tell her how importan and normalis that,and that you will feel love and care,
my husband just got me for valentines day a GREAT book is call " I LOVE YOU COUPONS " you can find it at Hallmark, is good when you have a hard time expressing your self.
All it is a bout is to please your mate, now every time she wants something she will give a coupon to you or leave it somewhere,so that you guys can have fun always.
I want to make that as a rule in my marriege I don't want for any reason to fall in the same problems that other marrieges have, get bored and do always the same.
pamper your self more often, but
DONT YOU EVER GET BORED OR GIVE UP OR BE NEGATIVE BECAUSE WITH IN YOU IS THE KEY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM.
GOOD LOOK

11:18 pm
February 16, 2001


kyrie

New Member

posts -1

ranmar1/good luck, thanks for replying. Both offer sound advice. I will search for that book "good luck" mentioned. You asked if things have always been like this. Well when we were seriously dating, any type of romance was never a problem. I started noticing a change shortly after we got engaged. By the time we got married issues began appearing. getting me was a priority for her but keeping me is something she takes for granted. She wanted to be a mom so desperately and she knew I was a good partner in parenthood. I often wonder if she fell in love with the opportunity to become a parent instead of me. Let me tell a story that will give you a good indication of why she is the way she is. when we got pregnant for our first child, my wife was so scared to tell her mother. (Hmmm any problem with that). When my wife tells her parents that she is pregnant her mother replys "ahhh, my wifes name, I could have told you what to do" referring to birth control. She didn't know how to express herself and say the obvious, congratulations I'm happy for you and excited. Maybe go outside of herself and give us a hug. You know what kills me. Lack of being able to express themselves usually is a mans problem. openness and being able to express affection is something that women are usually very good at. I am a victim of my wife growing up in an environment where affection and expression didn't exist…at all.

12:59 am
February 17, 2001


GOOD LUCK

New Member

posts -1

KERIE :
Well it sounds so similar to my case then, I think is not a bad idea about you getting a counsuler without her knowing after all you are just trying to save your marriege, I did it too,
I went by my self becuase I couldn't handle anymore and it did helped my and a couple session after I talked to him about it and he went with me.
I want to mention something else, I don't think is ok to think that if she loves you she will be willing to go to a consuler because maybe she is thiking things are not that bad or she doesn't even know how things have really changed,and about your mother in law, I don't understand why your wife was felling like that. didn't you
say she was really exiceted about havin a baby, it just doesn't sound rigth because you guys were married so its just NORMAL what else can you expect ?
Maybe your mother in law didn't want her to get pregnant, but who cares!!
well anyways I really think you are a good husband its good to know you support her . She needs you now more than anything, I hope with love and care she will see all the fun she had been missing in her relationship.
I am sure she loves you, and she cares about you its just that she doesn't know how to show you how much she loves you, good thing you don't blame her becuase of this.
but again I think you need to stop this, do something to confront her.
be honest and very nice to her just treat her the way you would like to be treated.
Maybe you guys need some time for each other a get away for a couple days so you can talk.
Well keep in touch

1:56 am
February 17, 2001


Pollyan

New Member

posts -1

A passionate partnership not only needs the nourishment that sexual energy provides, it also needs maintenance. Conscious maintenance.
As much care, thoughtfulness, and attention should be paid to the relationship as to a career, a family, or a cause. Unfortunately, this is not a popular concept. One of the main reasons relationships deteriorate is that the partners neglect them.

In maintaining your marriage both partners have to communicate. Some people find communicating with their spouse difficult. It's not a magically act…learning to communicate takes time. It's breaking down the hidden, fearful barriers we build up around to safely protect our feelings.

Have you ever told your wife how you feel, what you need and desire from her in your relationship? She sounds like a very fine person who would be
understanding of your desires.

We all observe our parent's relationship while we are growing up.
I'm happy to say we don't all grow up to have relationships similiar to the one our parent's had though. Does your wife think her parent's had a wonderful relationship? Does your wife want to duplicate her parent's relatioship? Maybe your wife would love to respond to you with more passion…and just doesn't
know how to.

1:57 am
February 17, 2001


Pollyan

New Member

posts -1

A passionate partnership not only needs the nourishment that sexual energy provides, it also needs maintenance. Conscious maintenance.
As much care, thoughtfulness, and attention should be paid to the relationship as to a career, a family, or a cause. Unfortunately, this is not a popular concept. One of the main reasons relationships deteriorate is that the partners neglect them.

In maintaining your marriage both partners have to communicate. Some people find communicating with their spouse difficult. It's not a magically act…learning to communicate takes time. It's breaking down the hidden, fearful barriers we build up around to safely protect our feelings.

Have you ever told your wife how you feel, what you need and desire from her in your relationship? She sounds like a very fine person who would be
understanding of your desires.

We all observe our parent's relationship while we are growing up.
I'm happy to say we don't all grow up to have relationships similiar to the one our parent's had though. Does your wife think her parent's had a wonderful relationship? Does your wife want to duplicate her parent's relatioship? Maybe your wife would love to respond to you with more passion…and just doesn't
know how to.

2:00 am
February 17, 2001


Pollyan

New Member

posts -1

A passionate partnership not only needs the nourishment that sexual energy provides, it also needs maintenance. Conscious maintenance.
As much care, thoughtfulness, and attention should be paid to the relationship as to a career, a family, or a cause. Unfortunately, this is not a popular concept. One of the main reasons relationships deteriorate is that the partners neglect them.

In maintaining your marriage both partners have to communicate. Some people find communicating with their spouse difficult. It's not a magically act…learning to communicate takes time. It's breaking down the hidden, fearful barriers we build up around to safely protect our feelings.

Have you ever told your wife how you feel, what you need and desire from her in your relationship? She sounds like a very fine person who would be
understanding of your desires.

We all observe our parent's relationship while we are growing up.
I'm happy to say we don't all grow up to have relationships similiar to the one our parent's had though. Does your wife think her parent's had a wonderful relationship? Does your wife want to duplicate her parent's relatioship? Maybe your wife would love to respond to you with more passion…and just doesn't
know how to.

2:02 am
February 17, 2001


Pollyan

New Member

posts -1

A passionate partnership not only needs the nourishment that sexual energy provides, it also needs maintenance. Conscious maintenance.
As much care, thoughtfulness, and attention should be paid to the relationship as to a career, a family, or a cause. Unfortunately, this is not a popular concept. One of the main reasons relationships deteriorate is that the partners neglect them.

In maintaining your marriage both partners have to communicate. Some people find communicating with their spouse difficult. It's not a magically act…learning to communicate takes time. It's breaking down the hidden, fearful barriers we build up around to safely protect our feelings.

Have you ever told your wife how you feel, what you need and desire from her in your relationship? She sounds like a very fine person who would be
understanding of your desires.

We all observe our parent's relationship while we are growing up.
I'm happy to say we don't all grow up to have relationships similiar to the one our parent's had though. Does your wife think her parent's had a wonderful relationship? Does your wife want to duplicate her parent's relatioship? Maybe your wife would love to respond to you with more passion…and just doesn't
know how to.

2:02 am
February 17, 2001


Pollyan

New Member

posts -1

A passionate partnership not only needs the nourishment that sexual energy provides, it also needs maintenance. Conscious maintenance.
As much care, thoughtfulness, and attention should be paid to the relationship as to a career, a family, or a cause. Unfortunately, this is not a popular concept. One of the main reasons relationships deteriorate is that the partners neglect them.

In maintaining your marriage both partners have to communicate. Some people find communicating with their spouse difficult. It's not a magically act…learning to communicate takes time. It's breaking down the hidden, fearful barriers we build up around to safely protect our feelings.

Have you ever told your wife how you feel, what you need and desire from her in your relationship? She sounds like a very fine person who would be
understanding of your desires.

We all observe our parent's relationship while we are growing up.
I'm happy to say we don't all grow up to have relationships similiar to the one our parent's had though. Does your wife think her parent's had a wonderful relationship? Does your wife want to duplicate her parent's relatioship? Maybe your wife would love to respond to you with more passion…and just doesn't
know how to.

8:55 am
February 17, 2001


kyrie

New Member

posts -1

good luck/pollyan: Thanks for the continued response. I will definately keep in touch. I will try to put your ideas in motion.


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