September 27, 2010
What do you do when you know your kids are being verbally abused by your a##h##e ex? The kids are 9 and 12, the ex is emotionally about 5.
Do I have any legal rights? I suppose I should be documenting what goes on. Is verbal abuse enough to warrent supervised visitation? I'm going absolutely nuts, seeing him trying to tear them down like he did me in our marriage.
Right now, we share custody and each have them every other day. I'd love for joint custody to work, but it's starting to seem like every other day is not going to be enough time for me to repair the damage he's doing to them.
I'm sure TOO many of you have dealt with this - what do I do?
I'm SO angry!
September 24, 2010
document it, but get kids into therapy. see the school counselor at the very least.
they are the objective, trained third party who will stand behind you in court. without that, you probably have a harder battle to wage.
they are old enough to testify and ask for a changed custody agreement and reasonably explain why - but often - they fear speaking up against the abuser. Do they think they are being abused - what are their feelings? have them keep a personal log and journal, so they can remember certain painful things, so if in court they blank out, they will have a tool to jog their memory.
I am going through a similar situation with my ex (although my children only visit with him every other weekend,so they are with me the majority of the time). They are 7 and 10 years old. I have them in counseling and I talk to the ex about the damage he is doing with his "negativity". He thinks that the way he talks to them and tears them down is actually helping them. You know "teaches them the way the REAL WORLD is".
I can't do much about his attitude. I did that already (I divorced him!)... unfortunately the kids don't have that luxury! I make sure that I praise them for everything that they do and give them extra love and strokes at home. I also tell them that just because "daddy says it"... doesn't necessarily mean it's true.
The older they get, the more they will understand...
Good luck to you!
September 30, 2010
I really feel for you. I had a similar problem in the past. One thing I might mention is that with my kids anyway, they would leave out the good parts of their visits with their dad. It seems they felt that is what I wanted to hear, only the bad stuff.Finally I insisted they tell me one good thing about their visit. That helped me get a better perspective on what they were feeling. Did he quit talking abusivly to them? No . However they learned to see their dad more honestly and had no great illusions about him. I agree get a councelour for them. It will help .
September 24, 2010
September 27, 2010
after reading your post about, i didnt quite realise it was getting that bad with the father.
By the sounds of it, i would recommend reconsidering the joint custody arrangement. Perhaps talk to the kids if possible, and do document everything, especially when your children have been upset.
If it is causing that much harm, i would find out your rights, because in the long run, its what is best for the kids is what is important.
No child should be suscepted to abuse, and while i know you want your children to be around their father, what you have to realise is right now he is not being a 'father'. He is being a monster abusing his kids, and just how you would protect your children from a monster, you need to protect them from him.
Not necessarily forever, but just while he is causing them harm.
I would recommend carefully planning your steps if you do choose to do anything, i dont mean to scare you, but im sure you well know divorce can get messy when it involves children. I would say, figure out your rights and if you have a solid case, then talk to him. Explain to him that you do not want to continue to leave the children in his company when he is abusing them. Ask him this.... and really push for an answer. Ask "how would you feel if someone else treated you this way", (or, "how would you feel if someone else treated our children this way", then tell him, they are just kids!
But dont leave them in this situation. It will destory their self esteem and they may end up hating their father, which is not a good thing.
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