Jealous, insecure and tired. | General Support | Forum

I have read several post today that have really hit close to home. I am jealous even though I feel I trust my BF. I need to accept that I can't control the outcome of this relationship and that the attempt to do so is going to drive him away. I feel like a loser!

The truth is that I am afraid to "allow" him to go places without me for fear that he will meet someone that he likes more. I don't like being around friends who talk about what a great time they had out at the bars on the weekend for fear that he will want to start going out. I am reluctant to "allow" him to have friendships with people of that I think he may be attracted to for fear that a relationship will develop with that person.

Even when I feel the need for some time alone, I hesitate to take it for fear of how he will spend his time.

I am embarrased to admit this to myself and certainly to all of you.

Cary

Hi Caraway,

It seems to me that your relationship with your BF is unhealthy. Whenever there is fear, lack of trust and insecurity – this is sign of unhealthy relationship which also means very codep.

I would highly recommend you to separate, take break from relationship and make yourself top priority. Develop your spiritual life, do some soul searching, buy some good books that cover up this theme.

Also Melody's book is excellent one, coda meetings, 12 steps are all excellent free programs to help you develop in character and grow.

Best of blessings,

~Ras~

Hey Car,

If he wants to be with you, there is nothing in this world that can stop him from being with you. If he doesn't, then there is nothing in this world that will keep him with you.

The only thing you can absolutely control in this world, is you. Instead of trying to manipulate someone else, (which is really disrespectful if you think about it) control yourself. Make it count. Step away from the easy allure of indulging in the fear and shine my friend. It is in you and every one of us to step up to a problem and kick ass.

The fact that you are reaching out for help to improve the realtionship says so much. I never did.

If this is actually love you have, then you have nothing to fear. Even if you seperate for a time.

If it's really just your need, then the work you have left to do will wait for you patiently, ready to help you up to the next level, whenever you're willing to go.

Cara-

This is my same affliction. Right there with you.

I don't have an answer. I just know that I love him, and hey – love him or leave him.

If it goes to s**t, you'll know. Trust yourself to go with what feels right- go with it now, and if it's wrong, you will know.

And, at that point, come back here for love and advice.

iam all three of those things and let me tell u because of what i was and who i use to be has almost destroyed my life my marriage etc and my friendships with people i am very insecure and iam 27 and dont have very many friends because i fear hubby will like them more because they are smarter have lots more going on and they are prettier and excuse me skinner then me i think my hubby deserves a chance but iam the biggest loser cause i cant trust him or myself u know its like a flip side of a coin one side i want to trust but other side says no way cause if i stripped then he can go into strip clubs u see what i mean but anyways praying for u as well as myself love chloeysmomma

Oh man…Thankyou ever so much, for pointing this out! As, I am going through this exact same thing, myself, right now. I am having the same problem, with a friend of mine, and my boyfriend.

I do like her, and I do love my boyfriend, however, since he thinks that, she's attractive, then, I feel jealous, because of that. So…I feel uncomfortable with having her, here, with us, for that very reason.

I had suspected, that, Codependency, may have had something to do with this, as…I do feel, as if I am trying to control something, that is beyond my control. I just wanted to thankyou, for hitting the nail, on the head for me. :)

Sincerely,

Trying.

Cary,

Has your bf ever given you ANY reason to doubt his love and committment to you?

Have you talked to bf about this problem as openly and honestly as you have here?

You are not doomed to anything given that you make a committment to yourself to work through these issues.

"I am ashamed to admit that I have declined invitations to Christmas parties and dinners because I don't want him to be around people that he may find interesting."

This is pretty serious if you go that far. I think you need to tell your bf about this behavior.

Why do you value yourself so little? I suspect this comes from childhood wounds.

I think you need to know that you are loveable and worthy of love and committment. Therapy and 12-step meetings can help you with this in addition to coming here.