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IN LOVE WITH A MAN WHO STILL LOVES HIS EX-WIFE

UserPost

7:43 pm
September 14, 2008


AmyD

New Member

posts -1

I fell in love with this man 3 1/2 years ago. We lived together for several years, and just when it was getting REALLY serious, he left. I thought that I had gotten over him, but when he came back a few months later, I went right back to him…my love for him is undeniable. I promised him that I would love him the rest of my life, and I meant it. Once again, he ended it.

At this point, we both moved on. We both found someone else. Although I had fallen in love again, I could not give the new guy all my love, because I still loved my ex.

When both of our new relationships ended, again we began to spend more and more time together. We did not officially get "back together," but we were holding hands in the park, sneaking kisses…i fell hard–AGAIN.

Last night I got up the courage to tell him that I was glad my other relationship had not worked out, because I knew that I could never love the other guy with all my heart, because 'he'(my ex)still had my heart. By opening up, I hoped that FINALLY we could live out the happy ending I knew we deserved, but instead my heart was shattered…When I asked him why he had been so afraid of committing the 2 previous times we tried, he finally admitted to me that he is still in love with his ex-wife. He wants to try to get back with her…

He begged me to understand, and I do…I understand more than he will ever know! I feel for him what he feels for her. I love him so much that his happiness is more important than mine though…

I guess what I want here is to get some feedback on whether I will ever be able to commit to someone else… (And yes, I have already read all of the top books on co-dependency, and I have read many threads here…it's just been awhile since I've been on)

8:24 pm
September 14, 2008


autumn128

New Member

posts 1

Hi AmyD,

Wow. Your story is mine from about 3 years ago. This man has never gotten over his ex wife. Maybe he wanted too. Maybe he just wanted to keep himself busy until he could back together with her.

Probably the second guess.

Let go of this man. Now. Save yourself from even more pain. If you would not have confronted him with your feelings, he would still be playing you.

I know how much you love him. I loved my ex too. He left me to remarry his ex wife. Two weeks prior to him telling me that he was leaving me for his ex wife, we went away for valentines day for a weekend romantic getaway. I wonder to this day how he was able to spend that weekend with me, instead of her.

Mark my words AmyD, he will be back. My ex came back to me even after he remarried the ex wife. I was dumb enough to fall for it. Twice. Because I loved him. I suffered so much because of his lies. The last I heard, he is still married to her, but not faithful. Big surprise.

Please, Please, Please, stay the hell away from this man. Change your e-mail, change your cell phone number. Do not let this man around you for any reason. He will use you as long as you let him.

Autumn

9:01 pm
September 14, 2008


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

AmyD- I have met a man or 2 like that.

A person has to end a relationship emotionally as well as physically before they can move on.

I believe that relationships are about feelings and if someone has feelings for another there isnt anything you can do.

Yes, you will love someone again but not until you cut the emotional ties you have to this man. It will take time and a lot of it.

4:56 pm
September 15, 2008


copcontract

New Member

posts -1

AmyD,

I am a man in your shoes. Everything is almost the same, except she never left her husband. We talked for 2 years about being together, I left my wife (she has already moved on to another and I am very happy for her), but she ended up not being able to leave, becuase of the kids, I think. The worse part is I KNOW she does not love him the way she loves/loved me.

I really can't offer any hope, becuase I am in your place, but I have my own question regarding this;

How do you get over someone you see everyday??? We work together, and she still calls me and texts me on the weekend. IF she doesn't want me why does she continue to contact me? She says we are "friends", but I am so confused, I just can't see myself ever giving myself to a person again.

7:08 pm
September 15, 2008


atalose

Member

posts 18

AmyD,

Yes someday you will be able to commit to someone else but first you need to let this person go.

Destinystar is right, a person has to end a relationship emotionally as well as physically before they can move on. It would appear that neither one of you had done that.

You have to let him go and keep him gone. Don’t keep repeating your history with him.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

7:19 pm
September 15, 2008


fantas

Member

posts 14

Not all love is supposed to end in marriage. You committing to another person wont diminish your love for him because these are two different people. There is enough room in your heart to love them all. As a partner, I do not think that he would be a good guy for you. He is too much of a Yo-Yo. I think that once you both have a stable relationship, you may be able take this relationship to a friendship level…

All the best to you!

10:40 pm
September 15, 2008


AmyD

New Member

posts -1

COPCONTRACT: like you, i see this man almost everyday. we work together too. we text eachother everyday. he needs help, i'm the one he calls–i need help, he's the one i call…we have ALWAYS been there for eachother, even when we both had other relationships.

FANTAS: i am not sure that i will be able to commit to someone because it would not be fair to them if i can't give them my whole heart. even when i did move on, there were so many times i wished that i was still with him, and i still do! i know that i need to let go, but when your heart tells u that he is the one, how do u just let go???

5:23 am
September 16, 2008


courage to change

New Member

posts -1

This is what I found. Yes your situation is difficult. Ive been there. I hope my strength helps you.

About three years ago I deeply loved a man, we broke up twice, because he could not feel the same feeling for me. He still loved his ex of 20 years. Well I could not compete against that.

The final time we broke up I HAD A STrICKED NO CONTACT rule.

After about a year and a half I still yearned for him. The love was still their. I slowley pushed out, went out with one man, who was not for me. Still had memories of my past love.

Then I dated my present man, I would say yes I still got memories of my previous love. The love has died, although the excitement of seeing him still lives in me. HE IS NO GOOD FOR MY SELF ESTEEM. My present partner adores me, and over time I have learned to love my new man, and the feelings are growing stronger.

What I realize is if someone doesnt have the feelings for me, its time to move on. Life is so precious, and so am I, and I deserve to feel happy.

Hope that helps

xxx

8:22 am
September 16, 2008


copcontract

New Member

posts -1

Fantas;

I am with AmyD. I already know that I will never be able to fully give myself to another, becuase I am always going to wait for "that call" the one where she tells me she has been in love with me all along and she can't hide it anymore.

10:57 pm
September 16, 2008


AmyD

New Member

posts -1

COURAGE: u give me hope…that i will be able to move on. thank u, but like COPCONTRACT, in my heart, he is THE ONE. i can't do the NO CONTACT thing because we work together. i'm not quitting a good job, and neither is he, but even if i were able to stop any contact with him, i can't get him out of my head.

i would love to be able to be loved like i know i deserve, but how fair would that be to a new guy (when my ex is all i can think of)?

10:31 am
September 17, 2008


fantas

Member

posts 14

((((AmyD)))),
I know it's difficult to see it now, but the fact that you have fallen in-love with an unavailable man might suggest to me that deep down in your heart you might hold the belief that you are are not lovable and do not deserve to be loved. You have put yourself in an unrequited love situation. This man is loved by two women while he loves none of them, regardless of what he says. That your heart has pledged an undying and eternal love for such a person, alludes to a deep wound within you. Were you to figure out the what, where, why, when, and how of this wound, you wouldn't let this man come within a mile of you. Let alone close of any other opportunity of love.

I know this because I did this with several man who withheld their love for various reasons and I tried hard to coax it out of them and when they moved on to other people and even marriage, I kept on hurting and blocking out love. With one man, I blocked out love because, in my mind, he was the only one for me and I couldn't bear to love any other. With the others, I blocked out love because I was too hurt and couldn't put myself in a position to be hurt again. I'm still in this position at the present moment but I'm quickly moving towards allowing myself to be loved by healthy, available, loving, and caring human beings.

As I write this, there is one man who still touches the wounded side of my heart and triggers that desperate love thing but I'm well aware of it now, I do not engage with him, and slowly but surely, my heart is letting him go. He knows nothing of this and yet I experience the same intense emotions of he is the one and I can love no other. I call him my last frontier before I enter the Canaan of love.

Do the personal work you need to, hopefully with a therapist, and this will look different in the future. Have you read "codependent no more"? If you have, perhaps you can reread it.

All the best to you!! Keep posting!

3:38 pm
September 17, 2008


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

I believe that Fantas has nailed it perfectly. You have, indeed, chosen to fall for an unavailable man. And there is a reason.

Copcontract – Same issue. You, also, have chosen an unavailable woman.

Time for both of you to seek professional counseling to find out WHY. Or you will be tied up in emotional knots for a LONG time. And eventually, you will move on to — yet another — emotionally unavailable partner.

- Ma Strong

9:45 am
September 18, 2008


fantas

Member

posts 14

Thanks Ma. Btw, I was wondering if you've read the Cloud & Townsend books and what you thought of them. Some are Safe people, Changes that Heal, Boundaries and a few others. They really helped….

3:01 pm
September 18, 2008


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

Fantas –

I like their books very much and own several of them. (They don't stay on my shelves for long, as I loan out so many to my "congregation.") I particularly liked their works on forgiveness.

- Ma Strong

3:25 pm
September 18, 2008


fantas

Member

posts 14

I love their books. I'm headed out to get the book "hiding from love" or something like that. Can't wait to read it.


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