September 29, 2010
I'm a nineteen year old girl from the northeastern US.
When I was nine years old, I was molested by my aunt's boyfriend. He molested me for six months, before he killed himself.
I have forever felt guilty about it. I feel like I'm the one that caused him to take his life, and I caused my aunt and our family a great amount of pain. I feel like I am a bad person, like whatever I touch dies.
My life has been slowly going downhill since. I have a great black hole in my chest, and it eats up any emotion I feel until I'm as empty as glass.
I never told anyone. I have extreme mood swings, I self injure, I go through bouts of eating disorders, I can't have a normal healthy relationship to save my life, and for a very long time I had no real friends that cared.
Recently, in college, I've met a great bunch of girls, that do really care about me. That didn't stop me from my slow slide into hell, though. I tried to kill myself a week ago, I took sleeping pills, downed a bottle of vodka, and tried to drown myself in a friend's hot tub. They saved me, though.
I finally broke and told them everything. They're taking me to see a counselor, but I'm terrified of going. I don't know what to say and I don't want to be locked up in a crazy house.
September 29, 2010
(((Ophelia))) You are very fortunate to have these girls. Perhaps you do not know what to say to the counselor right now, but have faith in your friends and that they wouldn't steer you the wrong way. Let them be your anchor while you deal with this issue. I'm very sorry you are molested when you were young. None of it was your fault. None of us has the power to take or give any body life. We all have a will power and this man used his to end his own life. Clearly he was a very sick man and death may have given him relief from his misery.
You have a chance to make a different choice for yourself. Choose life and see you will overcome this and go on to do great things with your life. Keep posting!
September 24, 2010
Welcome to AAC. I'm glad you are here. Many of us have experienced that dark all consuming black hole inside that makes us feel at fault for anything wrong in the world and sucks our soul of any happiness it might encounter. Many of us also truely understand the trust and relationship issues you face because we too face them. But we are equally united in our support of eachother and our quest to heal from these toxic feelings and relationships. You are NOT alone and it is/was NOT your fault.
First give yourself a giant hug for seeking help and support. That is a giant step forward! Give yourself another hug for recognizing the problem and accepting help from your friends. You ARE worth it!!!! I am sooooo proud of you for taking these first steps. I know how hard they are, but beleive me, they are worth it.
Its OK to be scared as long as you still go to the counselor in spite of your fears. Facing these issues that have been long buried can be a scary thing to do.
I fully understand your fear of being sent to a mental institution. I don't think they will. You do have things to work through but unless you need support to take care of yourself in daily life they usually will help you through counseling appointments. You are not crazy, what you have described here is a normal reaction to being placed in a horrible situation beyond your control and understanding, especially at the age of 9. Your counselor should recognize that and help you make sense of the senseless violations your endured as a child and cope with the aftershocks of those events.
Keep posting and reading.
Sending you comfort, strength and courage to seek the help you deserve and are worthy of!
September 29, 2010
Thank you both for your support.
I think...the worst part for me, is that I don't want to talk about it. Sometimes...I can block it all out of my head for weeks, but then something happens, it could be anything, a person that kind of looks like he did, the smell of old spice, fudge pop tarts, even somebody touching where my hip bones are...it takes me right back to that moment and I can't breathe anymore.
I think the thing I'm most scared of is the counselor's reaction...the flash of emotion across her face. I don't know what exactly to tell her...and I'm not even sure I could tell her about the molestation, or if I should on the first visit...
September 24, 2010
Hi there OpheliasFlowers,
Your flashbacks that you experience reminds me of a story I once heard. and I think your body is trying to tell you this story too.
Once upon a time there was man that lived in fear in a house in a neighborhood. He had a Giant angry scary monster in his house. He kept the scary monster in a cage of steel and flames. and there it was day after day. One day the nieghbors went over to him to ask him about the steel and flames. and the man said "Don't worry about it, its all been taken care of, its locked up. It doesn't matter now its over anyhow " maybe he was afraid of what his neighbors would think if they saw it, maybe he just didn't want to face the scary monster again... maybe both. He tells the world that its sleeping but as the night came out I heard its lonely sound it wasn't roaring it was weeping. in other words, it needs to be faced by the old man. These flashbacks, mood swings, fear, anger, guilt,.. whatever pain you may be experiencing is your body letting you know that its had enough, it needs to get it out. you are tough enough to face this monster,and you aren't alone in it either. Trust yourself and your friends, you don't need those walls of steel or flames. you deserve better. listen to your body, its trying to tell you something about yourself. a counselor will guide you to the right places and you will know what to say when the time comes, just go for it! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!! and here is an Extra HUG for you!!!! HUG!
September 27, 2010
September 24, 2010
Paws has a very good point.
I can relate. I drown myself in work to escape. I would take on so much that I was doing 2-3 things at once from early morning until late at night. I rarely took a day off and every once in a while would just collapse from exhaustion. That was my way of not facing my abuse.
I remember during this time in my life I would imagine that I was trying to outrun the demons in my brain and I truely felt that if I stopped working and thought about things and actually felt that I would loose my mind, literally would go insane from the intense emotions, fear, guilt, RAGE that I pushed down inside me.
As I began to recognize this, I tried to slow down and face these demons but it was too scary. I might take a few days off and the exhaustion would subside and then the nightmares and flashbacks would return, sometimes with a vengence.
At one point I just stopped running from them. Not sure why, maybe because I didn't like what I saw in those moments when I was rested before I dosed myself with another load of work and exhaustion.
Once I started working on my issues I remember this image I had in a moment between being asleep and awake that forever changed how I saw these inner demons. I was running from them and the faster I ran the faster they ran. Then I realized that they were connected to me by a chain and they ran faster because I did. As I slowed down they did too. Then as I realized this I turned and shouted to the demons to leave me alone that I didn't want this. Then I heard the words "just drop the chain, they follow you because you hold on to them. Let them be free, let them go. They are part of your past, face them and let them go."
I still haven't worked through all of what I faced as a kid, but that image is something I think of whenever I am trying to stuff these inner demons back into the darkest holes of my soul. Another image I have is that the dark pit is my soul is only as big as the demons I try to stuff into the dark parts where no one else can see. It grows to accomidate whatever I choose to put in. Once I release these memories and face them, then the all consuming pit gets a little smaller.
I don't know if these ideas/images helps, but it is something that has been useful to me on my healing journey.
Sending you a flashlight to face those dark parts with courage and strength. You are not alone, you have the guidance and support of your counselor and your friends and AAC.
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