September 24, 2010
It's my first time here, so I'll just lay out my problem and hopefully somebody will respond.
I am so angry with my parents...I know this sounds so common, but it's deep. I've angry for years. As of now I want nothing to do with them at all...well I don't want anything to do with my mother, my father I would love to see again, but she controls him so I can't see him. My mom has controlled every aspect of my life untill I moved out of her house. When I finaly moved out I wanted nothing to do with her. I it's been a couple of years now, and I still don't want anything to do with her. I have a huge amount of guilt for making this decission, but I don't think there is any other way that my life can be sane. All of my friends don't understand me, my husband doesn't understand.
My question is....Is there anyone out there who doesn't like there parents???? I feel I need to talk to someone who can relate....
September 24, 2010
Hello wannabhappy and welcome
I don't like my mothers ways and how she mistreated.She is such a controlling freak too.From day one since i was a baby chaos started from her lying to me about my real dad and keeping secrets from me.My stepdad was in the picture and he molested me as a child but yet she did not know about it till later on and was willing to do something about it surprisingly.
But yet did not want nothing to do with my real dad.In the long run she verbally abused me for years and favored my other 2 sisters over me.Especially the sister next to me,she hates my guts.They both tend to team up on me.So i have nothing to do with her.Its like my mom does not love me,she never told me she did.She had tried to manipulate me over the past years.
Just like around 2004,god knows i did not want to stay with her cuz i knew the consequences but i had lost my place in 2003 and had been in the shelter.Long story but anyway this lady continously tried to control me but yet still kept a secret about my real dad who i had find out from my grandmother and 2 of my aunts that my stepdad was not real father.So while staying with her she was calling me names me and my kids.I have 3 girls and she called them an idiot.She has made threats to me over the years about reporting me to bcw for lying about me not taking care of my kids.She has put me out in the streets when i had my firstborn.Then she wanted me out of her house so she locked me out 2'o'clock in the morning when i came back from dropping my kids off to their fathers house.so it was a good thing that there was a precinct right there.Went and got the cops and they demanded her to let me in.That she could not put me out if i lived here past 30 days.So do you know what she does in the process just to get back at me?she went and got a order of protection and lied and told them that i had hit her and my sister.Then she was trying to mess with me so she can get me upset and call the cops which i messed up.I did not yell at her i was only talking to my teen about her and then she jumps and call the cops and can you believe they came and arrested me???
But god was with me all night while i got arrested cuz the cops were so nice to me even though they saw me crying but they said i will be out of here in no time.I thought they was lying but they wasn't.I was able to leave early in the morning.I did not have to see the judge.But i never felt so betrayed and humiliated in my life.This lady was out to get me.It still affects me now that your own mother wants to hurt you like this.It still bothers me it really does.
All because my dad was a nice person and humorous and she made him out to be a mean man.I have met him and he is as sweet as he can be.He has problems though but he was so crazy about her.You know i used to say to her that why didn't she abort me?She never gave me a direct answer.But i had stopped saying that because god brought me here for a reason.So now i say why couldn't she have gave paternal rights to my dad or gave me up for adoption?
So i can relate to what your feeling towards your parents but this is mainly to my mother.
Could you tell me more about your parents?
September 27, 2010
I went thru a phase when I didn't like my mom. But then my mom didn't like me so I guess the feeling was mutual. My mom suffered from depresseion when I was growing up. She spent her days in bed and I spent alot of my days taking care of my siblings. When I was old enough to drive and get away I did. But that only made her angrier. I married at 18 adn when we split the first time after 5 years and I decided to go back she said "you better not let this happen again". He cheated on me w/ my best friend at work. Anyway, w/o goin into nasty details... Now my mom and I have a better relationship. I just had to come to grips w/ that's just where she was in that period of time.
My sister was a "sick child" growing up. She had epilepsy. Mom babied her, pampered her, she was not disciplined, not allowed to do things other kids did, etc. She had a surgery at age 21 and has been cured since. She then did all the wild things the rest of us did in our teens. She decided to have kids on her own, invetro, and when things went really wrong and she almost lost it mom and dad moved her back home. Bought her a house, mom and I cared for her kids, still do, and now she hates mom and dad for forcing her to move back here. She will not open her eyes and see that had she stayed where she was w/ no family she would have lost her kids by now. She hates mom and dad and blames them for all the bad decisions she made. I don't understand her to be perfectly honest.
The above are two examples of not caring or wanting our parents around. I give you both coz I am not sure what your reasons are why you don't want your mom around. Did she blame you and neglect your life as mine did me? Or did she smother you and not allow you to be who you are like she did my sister?
Either way.... I must say that your mom is your mom no matter what she did or didn't do. You need to take the steps necessary to protect your well being, but do not cut your mom totally out of your life unless she is harmful to you. Unless you want to give more info I really don't know how to address your post; that's why the two examples. Would love to talk if you want to share more.
September 24, 2010
I love my dad, cuz he is my father and I respect that, but don't like him as a person.
For a long time I despised him cuz how he raised me was so unfair and wrong. He did alot of damage to my esteem.
And my mom allowed it to happen, so there is some resentment there too.
However, as I got older, I realized and accepted that my dad was not capable of doing any better than he did. In a word, my dad is ignorant. Stupid is another simple term.
I am not being mean - this is fact.
My dad simply did the best he could with what he had - and that wasn't much.
That does NOT make him any less responsible. However, what's done is done and I can't change it.
But I can "protect" myself from further damage. I am an adult now and I don't have to put up with his abuse. And since he isn't about to change - the only thing I can do is change how I REACT to him, and how much I expose myself to him. And when I expose myself to him, I constantly remind myself that it's not about me - he's just stupid and doesn't know any better - and doesn't WANT to know any better. So I let his issues go in one ear and out the other.
It has taken ALOT of effort and work to come to this. I am 34 and can only now tolerate being around him for more than a few hours. He lives in the next townhouse over from me - so we are close enough to be in contact on a regular basis - but I won't do it. I limit contact. I love my mom, and only see her when he isn't around.
I also found that killing him with kindness also works well on some occasions...doesn't give him ammunition to use against me.
And I also realize and accept that he thinks I DO hate him - and his esteem is in the gutter over this - and so his anger and aggression is just a direct result of his low self esteem. Which is his "stuff" and not mine. And not mine to change or fix or prove that I do love him.
My parents are moving to florida soon and they are taking bets that I will follow shortly. I have always stayed close to my family - and I can see why everyone would be wagering I will move. But for once in my life, I don't feel that "unhealthy attachment" or "unhealthy bond" that will cause me to follow them whereever they go. As of today, I am free to follow my own path - and it's freeing to feel this way.
If your parents are toxic, sometimes the only way to preserve your own sense of sanity is to detach and keep a safe distance away. There is a book called toxic parents that may help you.
September 29, 2010
I can relate in a lot of ways here, My mom is quite neurotic, controlling, smothering, and can have a tendency to be VERY mean, while looking at me withthe sweetest look, and tone, but the words are extremely hurtful. IF i try to express these things w/ her she'll look at me like I'm the one who is hateful, Like "how could you possibly say those things about me, after alll Ive done for you."
I cannot, and never could have a "real " conversation with my mom. I am now 34, had finally Moved out after waiting and waiting and waiting for years at 26 years old, where she STILL was controlling, showering me with household stuff she got with coupons, etc, cleaning obsessively, etc, what she coulnt do financially she tried to do in other ways, this istill hasnt stopped. She is /has always been below the poverty level, and insists on charging things, etc. it is maddening. I mean I soo appreciate all her gestures, becasue I now understand that she equates them with wanting to be a good mom, and there is really nothing I can do with that, even the constant reassurance she needs, and credit she wants for things she had nothing to do with at all. I spent many years not speaking to her, swearing at her, rolling my eyes, calling her crazy, wishingshe would just go away, and once Id moved out, gotten my space to breathe, do things on my own, without her twisting everything, and making it so I would depend on her even more, Igrew a lot.
As screwed up as tings were, we were still close because we were all that we had for so long, and Although I knew she isnt/wasnt healthy... I had to "get over" a lot of it, because having a relationship with her is/was important to me.As screwy as she is, I know that she loves me dearly, and how important I am to her, so I tried, and we did make a lot of efforts to grow and understand each other. She can still be overbearing, over protective, and flip out about htings with no grounds for it, but I have chosen to let a lot go, and have found other people for support, and conversation.J, my hubby, has seen for himself how she is, and we can give ach other knowing glances, and he lets me squeeze his hand under the table instead of screaming at her, and when we go home, we can laugh about it, sometimes I laugh through tears, but i still have someone to lean on, as wel as a few other friends who have known me, and my mom for years for suport.
There were a couple years where we didnt really talk much at all, becasue it was next to impossible, and she took my growing up, and moving out as an atack on her, like I grew up to punish her or something, I still dont know. But back then, I wasnt mature enough to get over my own frustrastions withher to see that all her stuff was HERS, and I kept feeling like I was talking to a wall. She used my illnesses as an excuse to keep me home, make me feel like I was incapable of making it on my own, and i remember screaming that "she was stunting my developmental growth" at her numerous times. I feel gguilty about a lot of theings I had said to her, even though it as usually in responce to thingsshe said, it wasnt how i wanted to be, and certainly not how I wanted to communicate with anyone.
now, presently, I know there are just some things i cannot talk to her about, and not expect to get any kind of things resolved, but now that i am a few zip codes away, we get along a heck of alot better. after a lot of hellish things i ve gone through, and still shared with ehr, she can now say she is proud of me, and that she believes in me. she may slip in something offthe wal lright after that, but I am now able to choose what to respond to, how to take it, and know that We can be close without taking her neurosis personally. If I dont agree with some of her "attacks" I can say that "Im done havingthis conversation now, Call me back when youre feeling better..." or something along those lines. Chrsitmas was totally embarrassing, as she was in rare form, but I knew tht our relatives take her with a grain of salt as well, and I still managed ot enjoy the day. Poor J's hand was quite sore after the dinner though, but we were able to have a real discussion about it once we were home.
My mom may be unhealthy, a little insane, but she is still my mom, and I do still ove and care about her greatly... small doses are better, but I have chosen to still be a part of her life, becasue It is important to me, and as screwy as she is, I am still very important to her, so we try. I know , she means well, in her head, and heart, not tat i have to or that i do agree with alot of her tacticts, lack of tact,and communication, but i love her,loopyness and all.
not sure what your situation is withyour mom,etc.. but I can definately relate.
September 24, 2010
It's hard for me to go into details because I don't share this stuff, I used to try to talk about with my friends but they say that I'm just being emotional. So here's my story ( they best that I can explain it)
As a child my parents were great....I thought they were at the time. But certain things happened, little things, my mom somehow say in the sweetest tone of voice that I was fat. When your 10 it's a little embarrasing. My sister is younger and she is given everything.....She is thin. So, my mom hates fat people....I didn't think that I was fat, but she seemed to think I was. My mom had a way of saying things that sounded nice, but when you think about it longer...it was so rude. She did this to me all of the time. As a grew older I started to notice this more. Eventually it felt she wanted nothing to do with me. I was involved in lots of sports and activities that she encouraged me to do...but I was never home, I think she wanted it that way...She manipulated me to get what she wanted. A lot of stuff I have blocked out, I can't remember specifics. things got really bad when my boyfriend and now husband wanted to move to the city where I lived. She insisted that he moved in with us. She was very adimit that this would be a great thing so that we could save money and go to school. From the very first day that he moved in she was horrible to us. Especially hime. both my mom and my dad would not speak to us at all. There was no Hello no nothing, just blank. I would say hello, and there would be no response. Sounds rediculous, but it's true. She was so nice to everybody around, but if we were in the room there would be silence. VERY WIERD. I told her I was getting married and she wasn't very interested. Eventually it got so uncompfortable that we just moved out.....I didn't want to tell her where I live nothing....I did give her my phone number eventually....I didn't invite her to my wedding because she made me so uncomfortable to be around her. MY dad told me our marraige wouldn't last and we were destined to live in poverty. My husband got a great job and we moved pretty far away. I went to tell her that I was moving, she would speak to me agian. Now every once in a while I'll get a letter from her saying that I ruined her life and I am a trader, (she seems to think that I have a new family now) and sometimes she sends me nice things like christmas prestents....That just confuses me.....I don't get how one minute she will be nice, and the next be so cruel. The last letter she send was a whole page of telling my how horrible I am....so I've opted not to respond.....I can't respond till I have something positive to wrtie about.
I'm a logical person and I know that she is a sad person who blames me because it makes her feel better. I know that I don't really have anything to do with her sadnes...but I feel so guilty for just leaving...I basicly left and never looked back...I'm trying to get over the last five years and look forward to the next with my husbad.
I know that this is not put together well, but that is how it is in my mind...It's all jumbbled and confused.
September 24, 2010
Everyone says your mom is the onlyone you'll every have.......that annoys me....I've just heard it so many times....I've tried....I've tried hard. It makes me very upset and depressed to get along with my mom....to get along with my mom is to do everything her way...I can't do that anymore...I am and so tired of crying about it. I finaly feel I've done all that I can for now...it's not enough for her so I've had it! I want to live my life now!!!! I just don't know how to live my own life.
September 24, 2010
WannaBhappy in any way never listen to what people say concerning your mom is the one you'll ever have.I can completely understand your pain and anguish.You have nothing at all to feel guilty about.Some people just don't understand how some mothers can be mean and manipulating and deceitful.
Can you believe that i am still hurt at the way my mother did me?And its wierd though cuz i still love her but yet don't want nothing to do with her?I have told my younger sister that she has lost a daughter which is me.I don't consider her a mother but i tend to feel a little funny saying that but we can't care.We have to let it go and move on and i commend you for doing that.Thats what i did i moved on and not looking back.I am not getting any younger and i don't have time to keep letting her put me thru this.Especially she messing with my spirituality.I don't need her stuff anymore.
And its normal for them to get upset at us cuz we don't take into their stuff anymore.Let them be miserable cuz that is definitely what they want,they want us to be miserable with them.Like hell i will.So my opinion wanna,you are doing the right thing by moving on.You can't change people people are who they are.You have to keep focus on you and your family now.
Are you in therapy now?Cuz if it still bothers you about her maybe you should talk a therapist about it and also they have meeting called codependency whereas you will meet people that are in similiar situations to yours.Its free and people go there to talk about their family members,friends.Anything that bothers them they come there and talk about it.
Just take care of you and your husband.Start your life all over again.Thats what i am doing and it feels good wanna.There is hope for you just like us on here.
September 30, 2010
I am one who is very angry with my paretns and need time away from my father (my stepmother is no longer in anyone in my families life and my mother has passed--though we where able to resolve our issues before) while I deal with that anger and allow it to work its due course.
The fact of my childhood was that I was not treated in a loving way, and was not safe emotionally or physically in my enviroment as a child. And I know the old line "the did the best they could". And that's true, I'm sure, but if the best I can do as an adult is to emotionally neglect and abuse my child, I sure as hell don't expect her to say "poor mom, it must have been the best she could do". The fact is, children deserve to have physical and emotional needs met, it is neccesssary to their helathy developement, to being able to function in the rest of the world as their real selves. When my parents chose NOT to meet my physical and emotional needs, when my parents as adults chose to mistreat and hurt a child in order to condition her, they also HURT me very badly, and that hurt, as an adult has come to the surface. The fact is, they where not good parents. YOu feel let down by them and need times. That's fine, you have to probably re-do a lot of the parenting they didn't do when you where young, and that takes time as well as space.
HOWEVER. I went through bouts of time when I first left home where I would be angry with them and simply say "I hate them, I want nothing to do with them". That alone, for me, was not enough. I think it's so important to do the self-work and try to fix the damage you feel was done in their care growing up while you take this time aprart. It's sort of like (tio me) seeing a dentist and having a very bad experiance because they didn't do a good job, if they where careless or mean or what have you. Of COURSE that is going to be hard on you, but the important thing is still you, not showing that dentist how much they hurt you--and not working on you and helping yourself to cope with and repare those hurt feelings seems to me a lot like letting your mouth fill with cavities while you get over the pain inflicted on you by this one dentist--I hope that annalogy worked out right. It made sense in my head, but I have been to the dentist very recently too!
Just wanted to share my experiance here if there is anything from it you can use or get any help or isnight from. One other thing though--once I started therapy, I was able to really start talking it out about my childhood with some extra insight, and something interesting came up. I would refer to my stepmothers out and out cruel treatment of me, it was a living hell for any child the way I grew up, and my therapist stopped often to ask "what did your father say about that?" or "Where was your father for that?". ANd she asked a lot about me and my fathers personal relationship, and while really going into it in detail, I was surprised to find out that my father was NOT the good guy I thought he was--rather, so much of the ashamed feelings I felt as a child came directly from abusive things he said to me and love he witheld from me. AND that I didn't feel protected or safe becasue he left me at home every day with abuse that he knew was happening, and continued to play the hero role. Therapy uncovers things a lot of times you really didn't see coming--now I mostly work on "daddy issues" I never even knew where there. As you work on you, be prepared to be surprised!!! We tell ourselves certain things and create certain comfort zones, and it is a big "wow" to have those brought out and realy examined.
September 29, 2010
(((((wanna)))0 a Big cyber hug for you...
My mom would tell me for years how I was fat, withthe swwetest tone, she makes fun of fat people, and still says things to me withthis eveil twinkle in her eye like "you were never thin." even when I gave myself a complex, and became soo unhealthyilly(not a word, I know) thin, then she would criticize me for being anorexic, and incapable of taking care of myself.(((?!!?!?!?!?!)))Whatever, lady!1 Id say to myself.
UUUggghhhhhhhh. I had ot realize that there are some people who will NEVEr be satisfied , happy, or pleased, and spending m,y life solely trying to please this woman who sacrificed al ot to raise me on her own has her own major deep rooted issues that really are not mine to fix, or deal with. understanding this was mine to deal with though.
I dont know how old you are now, and suppose it doesnt make all that much of a difference, really.. but I am now 34, and have found ways to still have a relationship with her, because it was important to me. When she "gets that way." I choose to end the conversation, or leave her home. I no linger yell or lash out at her, becasue she will never and has never seen herself for what it is. I cant tell you how many times Ive gotten a blank stare accompanied with a look likje I d Punched HEr in the stomach for stating thigngs that she said or accused me of were "f-ed up, mean, nsaty, etc." it's like an instant denial thing takes over her and she convieniently has NO recollection of what she has JUst said. ... maddening!!! for a while I thought I was crazy.. like "wait... did I just imagine this conversation here?!?!/ I couldnt have, no, no, she did just say this, Okaaay, i'll go lock myself in my room, or drive off in tears now, thanks."
But I honestly have ot say, that i love my mom, incredibly, and I realize that she has her twisted ways, and her own very deep , sad issues, and until she is ready ((IF ever) to confront and deal with tem, I have ot take the good with the bad, becasue having her in my life is important to me... just in smaller doeses, when I can "handle" it.
If she calls and hasnt eaten, is over caffeinated, and over tired, I tell her I appreciate her calling to see how my day was, but to call back afte rshes eaten, and /or gotten some rest. Period. if she doesnt "hear " that, I say "Mom, Im have to go now, call back when you feel better."
Im not excusing or pardoning her because I know her life was filed with abuse, by no means, but it did enable to me have a better understanding of her, so I could still have a relationship with her. there were years that we didnt get along at all.and she has gotten a lot better in the past like 3 years.. Christams was an episode I am stil lcringing about though, as she showed up looking likje cruella deville, and attacked my aunt for being fat, and she pranced around showing off her skinny body like a.. I dont know like a what becasue Id never seen a display like this before in my life, I wanted to crawl under the dining room table.my mom literally was prancing, saying she never had to diet, that it wasnt hard for her to ever lose weight..< < umm if you never had to diet why did you have to lose weight??/
And she sooo was over weight a few times and it crushed her, she wouldnt go anywhere until she lost 20 ponds, when she was sying this, I couldnt bite my tongue nymore and I blurted out "Oh, Bullsh***, mom." my uncle almost spit out his food laughing, and J just grabbed and swueezed my hand under the table. I stopped, and looked apoligetically at my unt who was stunned and on the verge of tears at the table. After dinner we went to the living room, and my mom was sooo embarrassed at the dact that my "fat aunt" had gotten alllll of us the most nicely wrapped gifts, even for J's son whonm she never met, and a really nice shirt for J who she hadnt yet met, because i usually spare him from these family outings. she avided opening her present for the longest time, acting silly, and making jokes. it was grossgross gross!!
needless to say it was a long quiet ride home . well, when we got in the car ot leave, my mom looked at us, laughing her fake, forced laugh, and said "well , that wasnt so bad." and I said, "well, THEy were great." It's like she felt she had to belittle and abuse them before they could do it to her or something. childish for a 64 year old, huh??
Needless to say, when j and I got home, I wrote thank you notes immediately to everyone, and made sure they went out asap.
anywaay, I shared that so you'd see i can relate to your story. vI dont have any answers for you though, becasue every situation is different, and what every individual needs for them to work best for them is different. What I can say, though is that I have too been called "emotional." and that always struck a sensitve nerve with me. arent we all emotional when we have been picked on, and risdiculed?? it sure made me more frazzled all the time ot hear this, and I wanna say that you have support, and your feelings and issues are valid, and worthy of validation,m wether it comes soley from with in your self, or ((hopefully)) that you have a good support system for yourself.
This site is wonderful to express yourself, get feedback from, just "plain ol' vent, rant, and get suport, so I welcome you here, there are sooo many wonderful smart, insightful folks here.
September 24, 2010
wow!! Thank you all for the responses. Thank you for your stories...it's nice to know there are people out there who feel the same feelings I do. Thank you for the Validation.
I have been considering therepy...I've never been, so I don't know anything about it or what it's like...I think it's really expensive???? Is it....?? I'm reluctunt to bring it up with my husband though he is sooo sceptical of anything that has to do with psychology...he had bad experiences when he was a kid with a few...I know that he'll support me...but I know he doesn't like it. Also, I'm a college student and were living off of his income...I don't think it's affordable...but I have no clue how much it cost. I tried to research some local therepist, but didn't have much luck. What are those codependent meetings about??? Are they common in most cities? I know that I have a lot emotions to work through, but it's very overwhellming, so I tend to block out things... It's weird I used to have the best memory. Now it's hard to remember a lot of things. I don't know how I learned to block things from my memory...it effects my day to day life sometimes...I'll forget to do an arrond or do something my husband asked me to do for him. So, now I write a lot of lists, but I never had to do that before.
Can I ask for some advice? I'm going to my hometown this weekend to visit some family. It's a pretty small town, you always see people you know. I don't want to run into my parents....I tend to take streets that are uncommon and don't go to any stores. What should I do...should I contine to aviod them??? What do I do if I see them?? I haven't talked to them since last year. I love going home to see family and friends.....but my stomach is in knots the whole time I'm there.
My parents always seem to find out when I come to town, I have yet to see them, but somehow they find out cause they yell at my younger brother for visiting me...He dosn't tell them I'm in town. When I was there for Thanksgiving my brother and my cousins we were up late playing games and my mom called my brother and ask where he was, he said he was with some friends. when he went home my parents screamed at him because they knew he was hanging out with me. It sucks that I can't see my own brother with out him getting punished. My parents ended up telling him to leave and move out. He was devistated...I don't think that he has ever wittnessed the shere meanness of them before. To end the story, he subbmitted himself to them and he is stilling living with them. I never hear from him and if I do see him it's for about a half hour untill they call and tell him he has to come home...you would think that a 20 year old could make that decission for himself. It sucks they control him by controlling him financialy...They pay for everything, but the minute he does something they don't like they take it all away. They did the same with me, but thank God!!! My husband and I were able to save enough money to get the hell out of there, now I just have to convince my brother to save his money.
This is a great site, It feels so good that there are others who are in the same boat!!!
September 30, 2010
Its really sad that we all were made into who we are by our parents. I cant believe that some of you sound like you lived with my mom. My dad died at 43 in 1970 and at that time I felt like Ihad been freed. He was so jealous of my mom that he took it out on me. But now, older and wiser, I see she allowed me to be there but then again, I had a jealous husband and it was hard to get away. Secondly, I was physically abused by him, protecting her, but still she stayed,out of fear. When he died, I married and she became a witch. She is a miserable person to this day. I went for the holidays excited cause it was the right thing to do after 3 years, boy I regretted it in one day, she is still miserable, puts people down. Always judging me and my sis by our weight. Mom never had a weight problem and only eats cake. My ugly daughters, fat, but then on the other hand, Im the good one, cant make up her mind. I move away, not wanting to, jealous husband took me to fla. She never lets me forget it, or anything else. Now she still goes on, hides in living room, no tv, radio, nothing, misery in person. Has friends, loves them hates them, everytime I see her, I come home and try to change. My life is too long and miserable to tell it again, but Im heading for a change and just saying that is progress. I just have to take hold and try to think what to do with my 29 year old son I put on the streets and left. Drugs, theft for years, I finally said "NO"
Not easy, so you see, life is a circle and we just keep dealing with something different every day, I guess we have to learn how to deal with it, not easy, I have days when I am MOM, scary. Good luck and god bless you
Brownie, I am so sorry for your pain, you handle yourself beautifully and thats what you are "beautiful" Be proud of yourself, I am of you.
September 24, 2010
WannaBhappy my god,we are in the same boat.Do you know that i have 2 younger sisters?the one next to me is mean as hell and she was the one i told you that teams up with my mom to persecute me.My youngest sister is 22 years old and is still living with them.My mother has fun playing with my sisters feelings and manipulating her.Me and my sister is very close but the problem is is that whenever my sis calls me or comes over to my house she be telling me what her mother be saying about me.At first she was putting on an act like she change so she could see my baby,cuz she loves my baby girl.But have 2 other girls and she does not give them the time of day so lately around the holidays she was sending food by my sister to give to all 3 of my girls.Come to find out she didn't change.My sister had told me how my uncle had called her and mentioned that i had spoke with him on his birthday in may and he mentioned to her that i told him how she had me arrested and she said to him that did i tell him why she called the cops on me?because i called the cops on her but she never did tell him why i did.She had locked me out.So it was showing that she was still in denial and still lying.And to top that off recently i had asked for my cousins phone number to talk with him about his daughter and my sis told me that she over heard me asking about his number and goes and tells my sis while i was on the phone that i don't need to call my cousin.He doesn't want to be bothered with me and she said some other stupid stuff that has nothing to do with it so i got more angry and hurt.
So now when i talks with my little sis i tells her not to go back and tell them anything which is hard because my sis is very vulnerable and can easily be manipulated by them.They sometimes team up against her too.They even sometimes eavesdrop on our conversation,so i was telling her that we need to email each other cuz i really don't want nothing to do with them and i want them to stay out of my business.I have mentioned to my sis that i don't really trust her since she is easy to let them suck her into their trap.But she said she doesn't say anything to them.Then last night as i wrote to her i mentioned to her about her mother,i didn't say my mother i said her mother and she told me that her mother and sis was outraged cuz they had read what i wrote.You know i can't figure out those people,the lady practically stripped my soul and threw it in the street.She stumped my heart and abused me verbally and always out to hurt me what the hell do she expect?What the hell is she thinking?She has no right to get mad after all the things shes done to me,what the hell is wrong with her?She might as well get used to it because a long time ago shes lost a daughter,a good-hearted daughter and thats me.She only has 2 daughters now so she can get mad forever as far as i'm concerned.Something is seriously wrong with them.And last year when i told her that why don't she go to therapy?she said she don't need therapy so you feel that way then leave me the hell alone.I didn't tell her that but wanted too.i was sending info back and forward to my sis.
So it is messed up how our younger brother and sister can't leave there.I have told my sis why don't her and her best friend get an apartment together and share the rent?She don't say anything about it.They both have jobs so i don't know whats wrong with her?I do know that shes scared of them.So its like this wanna there maybe a time whereas they will have to make a decision or a sacrifice cuz i know for my sis this is not gonna work.She be want to come over here alot and her mother may stop her from coming over here or stop her from calling me and my sis is gonna have to make a decision.It will be the same for your brother.Does he have a job or plans on going to college?cuz he don't need to stay with them.They will always have a hold onto their life.I wish your brother the best of luck.
With seeing them when you go over there you should continue to avoid them.They haven't change and probably don't intend to.Just keep looking the other way.
With therapy do they have a therapy place in your college?or do you have a health insurance?Cuz they can pay the therapist.Thats what i have i have a medical insurance card and they pays for my therapy.Keep me posted.WIth the codependent meetings they are very common.Not just in cities but in suburbs too.But it can depend on what state too?but they are usually alot of them in different states now.If you don't mind me asking what state are you in?Then we can see.The meetings are wonderful they deal with lifes problems and families,emotions.A wide variety of things.You hear people share about their feelings or problems and you can learn from people when they share.You don't have to say anything if you don't want you can just sit there and listen.With the forgetting part i also forgets too.Its nothing at all wrong with that.It could be that with so much we went thru that we tend to forget things afterwhile.So don't worry yourself about that.I have to write a list too.
So again keep us posted.Good luck.
September 24, 2010
Hi delicate i just read your post and if anything i am sorry for your pain and suffering that you went thru and you too wanna.But i know with us working together we can make it.WIth this site its wonderful to know that we are not alone in our suffering.And we can always encourage and support one another.We will survive and get thru this.
September 24, 2010
first of all - there may be someone on the college medical staff that can counsel you - or give you a referal for low cost counseling....or free stuff in the community. I know many cities have clinics or doctors that work on sliding fee scale based on income. Churches offer free counseling. And the coda meetings are free, many cities have them - go to http://www.coda.org for a link to the meeting list in your city. They are very good and you can learn alot from them. Al-anon is another similar program that has alot of helpful info even if you are not living with an alcoholic - the "feelings" are often the same.
as far as going home - do what's best for you. another option - invite the friends you visit there to your home where you live - then you don't have to go to that town - or have them meet you outside of town at a fun restaurant or park or mall. If you must go back there - continue to hold your head high and do what you have to do. Let your parents jump up and down and squawk about it - that's THEIR reaction - THEY own it....you are not responsible for how they react.
Your brother may be trapped - and they may control him with money - but you figured it out and got out - and he will in his own time. He chooses to live by their rules so he can live off of their money - so the consequence is that he can't see you. That sucks for you - but you can't change it. And it sucks for him - but he CAN change it. If he's capable of working and living on his own - but he chooses to stay there - then that's his decision. And while you see that they are controlling him and manipulating him - he has to see it for himself. You saw it, you moved out. Your brother will too in his own time. Like anyone who is in a controlling environment like that - they are beat down to believe they ahve to stay - but eventually you get tired of it and want better - and move on...he will...give him time.
staying away is best for you - so keep doing it.
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