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I'm a college grad and I feel like a failure

UserPost

3:00 am
September 4, 2007


Pythios

New Member

posts -1

Hello, everyone. I am a 23 year-old college graduate. I finished school over a year ago, but because of personal difficulties I have been staying with my family (my aunt, brother and grandmother). I have been dealing with financial issues and emotional ones, but the biggest problem I have is that I often feel like a failure. I compare myself to other people my age and even younger than me who are living away from home or already in grad school and I hate myself because I haven't left home yet and I don't feel secure enough right now to go back to school.

I was depressed for a long time and things are so stressful here sometimes I feel like I'm going to fall back into a depressed state. I had to be hospitalized earlier this year because of issues I was dealing with that no one knew about. I was in a very dark place and I'm scared of going back there.

I used to have a good network of friends, but I have fallen out with many of them for various reasons. I hate the city I live in and I think of moving but I have to put aside enough money first. I'm nervous about living on my own, but I don't think I'll have a choice (like I said, I don't have many friends).

I know I should stay positive right now but it's so hard and with everything that's going on right now, I feel like giving up or going back to the hospital, anything so I don't have to deal with this stress anymore.

It's been very hard for me to talk about all this up until know with anyone outside of my immeditae family. This is my first time posting on this website and I would appreciate anything any of you out there wish to share.

7:14 am
September 4, 2007


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

I know the feeling, at 28 I had two college degrees, no job, no money, no car and no friends anywhere. I had my abusive family..I used to base my self worth on what I had, and who I was dating and etc..when you do that, you will always fall short, when you compare yourself to other people, I thought people thought ill of me, they didn't. At least the nice people who had hearts. I would suggest counseling if you really feel as I did so you can get to the root of your problems, my heart goes out to you, cause I know how you feel, and its not a good place but do know you will not always be there..time takes care of that:) Be well and be kind to yourself.

7:18 am
September 4, 2007


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Msny here including myself know of those dark places, many of us suffer from childhood abuse and other such experiences in life, we know how it feels and we many of us deal wtih ptsd and anxiety/depression too. People here are nice and very helpful, and I think once you hang out enough, your feel accepted and wanted…I know I have, so come on in and pull up a chair and join us!

7:53 am
September 4, 2007


True@Heart

New Member

posts -1

Just the other day I overheard someone say :"a problem is a solution in disguise". That put a smile to my face, because I then started thinking:"oh well, the more problems I have, (I trust) the more solutions will be at hand". So I am a privileged person in a sense (smile). Life still offers me an opportunity to grow or learn. I can solve "me". How can I solve "me" ?

Most people are usually a combination of "succes and failure": they succeed or fail at passing an exam or learning how to be empathic or a good parent but … knowing that doesn't mean the end of them personally (they don't equate their achievements to their value as a person). In other words, succes or failure is only personal – a verdict about your personal "value" or "worth" – if (and whenever) you choose to make it so.

I see a young man (happens to be college grad; good for you!;however, it's not – all – of you) who is pretty skillful in acknowledging, affirming or validating himself (consider making it your "core" biznizz I'd say; your 'gift' or talent immediately drew my attention).

Acknowledging and validating – however not yet fully accepting, so it seems to me (?)- that he don't feel secure enough yet to take a next step in a direction of his own choice or ^making^ and that he simply is not ready to take on, face or come to terms with the world (and what you – erroneously or not – ^believe^ that world wants or expects from you?). And that's what getting to know the unique person you are, really is all about. Your path is special because – you – are (you have inherent or intrinsic value). So there's really no need nor purpose to keeping track of everyone else's pathway (the road they take or choose in life) unless you'd like to continue beating yourself up (lowering your self-image or self-esteem). Struggle comes with the territory I guess. By claiming your struggle on a personal level you are claiming your territory (owning up to it) – your 'life's territory or domain. What you are all about. And that's really a beautiful and honorable thing to do, at least from my point of view.

what's more important to you: what you think or assume other people ("the world") expect from you or what you yourself – realistically – expect from you ?

any discrepancy here (a difference between the two) usually means a positive impact or influence on one's self-image. Authentic awareness is heightened.

Because if you know who you are, the world – the "stress" around you (all kinds or sorts of messages who you "should" be to gain societal acceptance or recognition)- doesn't have to affect you (or get to you) as much as it used to (my guess).

Bu it takes a lot of time to really "see" that.

Alot of people rather stay blind, walking blindfolded through life, don't wanna "see" at all.

Just know that – your posting is aqppreciated – because – YOU are.

7:59 am
September 4, 2007


HelloMe

New Member

posts -1

I have just joined tonight and all i can say is take a deep breath as i two have never felt good enough, but looking back can see how that was taught and now needs to be untaught.
I know for me i need to relax and see the beautiful person i am, and that is hard to do when you are spending all of your time comparing youself or being hard on yourself.Sharing a persons thoughts is such a beautiful thing as we all have the same feelings at some stage in our lifes.
Relax as life is a rollar coaster and i think once we know this we can smile and just do our best to hang on and enjoy the ride.

10:19 am
September 4, 2007


jasminum sambac

New Member

posts -1

Hi, Pythios. That was an honest post. Just one thing…I think over the course of their years most people hit at least one long terrible stretch…it might be suffering over the illness and loss of someone very dear, and having a long aftermath of grieving and learning to live again without the person. Often people have a hard, hard time physical pain and limitation…that often, not always, comes later in life.

This won't give you much solace today, but consider how massively important the work you are doing now, finding your way is, to your happiness later in life. You'll be stronger for it; you'll know what to do in hard times; you'll have built your personality, sometimes brick by brick, inch by inch.

This is your life's work now, and I'll bet it's a fulltime job…I bet you put in 40 hours a week on it.

The difficult blessing…and I think it is a blessing…is that you're working on it…by what you say, you're building, even when days are black and you honestly want to go back to the hospital…you're doing it, because you're thinking forward to living out of your parents' house and finding a place in which you really like to live. You go, on that one, Pythios…we mostly live inside our own skin, but getting to a more congenial place DOES make a difference.

All the things: the job you want to stay with, the condo, the possessions, even a new circle of friends (if you're young, it is quite possible to outgrow a circle of friends and need to look for different ones) can be yours in due time. You can get them. It sounds like you're scheduled to get them a little later than some people you know, that's all.

Maybe the people you've compared yourself with haven't had any major life challenges yet to struggle with…their time and soul absorbing challenges will hit them later.

My very best.

There's an old book, William James' Varieties of Religious Experience. James was one of the first ones to listen to people's life stories of change. He wasn't necessarily talking about God or organized religion…he listened to people talking about transformation in themselves.

He observed that the stories people told of themselves fell into groups. There was a group that he called the "once-born"…these were people who seem to have grown up in one mental world…they seemed not to have much trouble with their own fit with the way they were taught that the world was…things seemed to be easy for them…

and then there was another big group (into which I'll bet many members of this site fit) he called the "twice-born" This group struggled with knowing that they were living in a situation that wasn't all that it could be. The twice born struggle with learning more about what can be…it's not obvious, you know, and as you say, it doesn't fit the world you're presently living in… and with changing their head and their actions, to learn to participate in a better world. Twice borners struggle more…they're in the process of being born… :)

I hope you stay and tell us how you are. People here care. As you'll read, if you haven't already, you can post anything, participate any way you want. We're all working on something, believe me.

I think you're doing something absolutely huge! No kidding. Things that life is REALLY made out of.

Hope that post wasn't too long, but I wanted to get in the James book.

10:44 am
September 4, 2007


AQueen

New Member

posts -1

I think that's wonderful that you have a college degree. Be proud of yourself that you went to college and stuck with it and finished. I'm 28 yrs old and I'm just now starting college this fall. I struggle with feeling like I'm too old to go to school but that's crazy because there are plenty of people that go back to school later in life. Basically I wasted 10 years living wrong and I've spent the last year trying to live a life I can be proud of. So far so good.

Did you grow up in a dyfunctional family? Was there any abuse or addictions like drug or alcohol abuse? I know that a lot of adult children of alcoholics experiance a lot of self doubt, inability to make decisions, those are some examples. When we grow up in a dysfunctional home we often have problems as adults. Counseling has helped me soooooooooo much. I recommend it. You can usually find places that have a sliding scale and you pay based on your income. Sometimes that's as little as $5 if you aren't working.

You sound kinda depressed. Have you ever suffered from depression? Do you have a doctor you could see to talk to about how your feeling? Sometimes a anti depressant along with counseling can work wonders. Medication alone never works for me though because I'm just taking a substance trying to feel better without actually talking with a trained counseling and working through my problems instead of skirting them like I usually do. Good luck and keep posting. Welcome to AAC. Have a good week.

AQueen

2:14 pm
September 4, 2007


Pythios

New Member

posts -1

I appreciate everyone's kind comments. Some questions were posed to me today, which I'll know do my best to answer. Yes, I did grow up in a dysfunctional household which is in some ways still dysfunctional. Yes, I have been abused, not sexually but physically and emotionally for most of my life before I went to college and even on a few occasions after leaving college.

People have told me to try dating or "go out and find somebody to love" but because of my ruined past relationships I don't spend much time trusting in that to help me. I want to keep working on myself and I do hope that things get better but I'm so tired of certain things. Even right now part of me wants to run to the hills screaming.

I hate the fact that my life is in disarray like this, I used to have a lot of boldness and ambition and self-esteem, but so much has happened and it's hard to find it now. Once again, I appreciate everyone's replies and encouragement. You are all very kind and insightful. Thank you.

12:23 am
September 5, 2007


Moondawg

New Member

posts -1

Hey Pythios,

What's your degree? Where do you interests lie? You can answer just to yourself if you want.

I graduated college about 10 years ago and went out onmy own. had some security because I knew I was walking into a fairly secure job when I graduated. But I came from the same kind of roller-coaster growing up you had, so it was still tough going out on my own.

I spent my fist year alone, barely scraping by, and I was as depressed as ever. Not out of desire, but out of necessity, I decided to get a roomate. I can honestly say it was the best thing I could have done. I kept the roomate for almost three years before I work moved me elsewhere. In that time, I was almost never depressed. It was just nice having a friend to do things with to keep me interested in out of work activities and to have someone to talk to. And for sure it was nice to have someone to split the bills with.

Sadly in some respects, I make enough to live on my own now, and I am not quite as happy as I was then.

Well, I will get to my point. If you are feeling like a failure in what you are doing, change it. With your degree, find some line of work. Take a risk and maybe find a roommate, I promise there is someone else in your shoes looking for a break. Take a chance and do something different. Don't let your fears hold you back, let them motivate you to overcome them. It may be tough at first, but get some experience under your belt and you will be in a better position to move on truly out on your own in life. Take things one step at a time. But most importantly, start taking those steps. You will be glad you did in the long run. You say that your "biggest problem" is feeling like a failure, so you've got to do smething now to change it an maybe you will find solutions to the other problems along the way.

We are here to help and offer support, so keep in touch.

And try not to go back to the hospital unless you really need it for your own safety or well-being.


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