I'm a 19 year old female. My entire life has been a roller coaster. When i was younger, I remember my mother having a short temper. No matter the moment or situation, when my mom lost her cool she was immediately violent. I was raised by my grandmother, abandoned by my biological mother (only to later go through custody battles)and neglected by my father. When my biological mother felt she wanted me and my sister, we were "kidnapped" by legal terms, and lived in the downtown area of Los Angeles. It was a nightmare, there were gunshots, drugs, older men, and sex. I was around 8 or 9 when I got out there, i remember a little earlier than that i would explicitly mess around boy in class with me, same age were about 7, we would do very sexual things to each other. Also a girl who was in class with me. But when i was 8 or 9 i remember my older half brother touched me. I didn't know if it was wrong. I remember wanting to get away, but enjoying it, but then i don't remember sometimes if it was me or my sister. But trying to remember it is hard. every night he could touch me, and i didn't stop it because i was curious about what to feel from it. So im back home away from this side of my family, i wake up to my younger brother of 3 years touching me. Literally out of my sleep feeling him all over me, and i would wake up and feel paralyzed. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't mad, i didn't like it, but i didn't not like it – i was confused so i did nothing i just waited for him to stop. This happened for a year SPORADICALLY, then i would let him, i was fully consenting to it. I beat myself up about it because i was the older one! But it doesn't stop there, I keep trying to remember specifically but i don't know how it started by i started explicitly touching my little sister. I did it for a couple years, not every night. But what confused me was i didn't beg her, or force her, sometimes she would put my hand on her when we'd sleep together, it was like she wanted me to do it, and i did to. I didnt realize that this must have been the moments she felt close to me, being the only times we saw each other was when my stepmom allowed her, and her brothers were probably physical with her and ignored her. Basically, once i realize the severity of the situation (reading) I broke down, and cried. I felt horrible, at that moment i couldn't hold anyone responsible for what happened to me, all i could dwell on was what i did to my sister. I came to her one night, and she greeted me like she always did, so open and not afraid. I sat her down and told her, i love you very much, but what goes on between us is not right. It is my fault for this, and you have no shame to feel from this, just know that i am sorry and anything you want to do from here out is up to you. We can tell mom, dad, anyone, she said she didn;t want to, and i told her that when she does, i will tell them for her. Now, i talked to her about it and she asked questions, like why? and if it happened to me? and i was open about it all. She's going on 14 now and our relationship is good, its always like she forgot or doesnt remember, or just doesn't talk about it, either way, I feel like i need to know how she feels about it, i know she loves me, but i want to know how SHE feels about WHAT HAPPENED. Information suggests it's normal for kids to do those things, but we were explicit, and its changed my world forever. I feel evil, alone, and disgusting.
It spills over into my other relationships because i can't forget this, although it seems everyone has, am i holding on too much, should i just let it go and forget it like everyone else? I feel like i should say something, but to who? our parents, isnt it too late now? now that is been 5-6 years since anythings ever happened, and it wasnt forceful. Im so confused! I feel like i molested her, and i know its from the cycle, what she felt when i touched her must of been what i felt when they touched me, not knowing, trusting, confused.
Now, second part, i dont know if this really happened, and i try really hard to remember, but when i was little i remember being terrified of the devil coming into my room. I remember seeing him, and i remember being afraid, but i don't know why. Whats weird about this, when i think about the devil coming into my room, i get turned on, and it's like i want him to. I want to say there were delusions, but then i remember telling my biological mom that my grandpa touched me, with a wrag, he would wipe and wash us, but for a long time down there, i try to think back maybe i made it up, or maybe i was telling the truth, I DON'T REMEMBER. i was 8 or 9 or younger, i don't remember everything (this entire post took place before the age of 10, and then with my sister 10-15[when i talked to her] sporadically)