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I need help with my wife's anger issues

UserPost

2:21 am
April 27, 2004


concernedforkids

New Member

posts -1

Im a first-time writer. But I'm could use some advice because I'm feeling very isolated and cut-off from friends and family. I'm married and I have two wonderful children. My son is 5 and my daughter is one.
My problem is my wife. I love her, and I have never done anything to make her doubt my commitment to her. But she is perpetually angry at me and is constantly suspicious.
She doesn't like my friends and family and goes to great lengths to make it hard on me whenever I want to spend time with them. She never seems to be happy for me. Does anybody know what I mean?
(Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm dreading it.)
She often tells me how my family is not a priority, which cuts me to the core. I really have no life outside of work and home.
Still, I haven't had a friend come and stay with me in probably five years, although we frequently have her friends as guests.
I knew I was in trouble when shortly after we were married I discovered that she had read through my old journals and thrown them away because some contained references to previous girlfriends. She said it hurt her that I would think of keeping them – even though some of those journals were 20 years old.
In short, she refuses to take any ownership or responsibility for her own emotions. And when I confront her about the hurt and frustration I feel from things she has done, I get one of two responses: anger or indifference.
My concern is I now see it affecting her relationship with our son, and I don't know what to do. She is starting to take her anger out on him.
We've been to six different counselors in nine years of marriage. But it usually ends when the counselor starts to talk to my wife about her behavior and not mine, for a change.
I've tried to get her to go to some kind of anger-management class. I've even offered to go with her. But she claims she doesn't have any anger or insecurity problems. Any advice?

2:53 am
April 27, 2004


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Hi Concerned,

I know you only want the best for your children, and you are to be commended for reaching out. If your wife will not get the help she needs – and she is taking it out on the children… perhaps you need to think about a trial seperation with the stipulation that she absolutely MUST attend at least anger management classes.

I'm also posting to Worried Dad to talk to you… you guys have some things in common and perhaps he can give you some insight.

Also, I know you are new, and have probably never read any of my posts – but I'm not one to ever ever ever say "get divorced" unless there is infedility or abuse involved. But, if she is taking it out on the children, then something MUST be done.

Z.

3:09 am
April 27, 2004


Worried_Dad

Member

posts 43

concernedforkids,

The first thing you must do is arrange so that your wife cannot detect your participation in this group.

You are in danger.

2:19 pm
April 27, 2004


gingerleigh

New Member

posts -1

That seems a bit extreme.

3:30 pm
April 27, 2004


Worried_Dad

Member

posts 43

Actually, I think he is already being injured.

This guy is walking on eggshells, he has no privacy, no respected boundaries. She is disrespectful, controlling, she is isolating him. And now she is beginning to be abusive to his child.

The fact that she has no introspection and apparently no conscience is a huge red flag.

concernedforkids, I have to ask–is she ever violent with you or with the children?

Read Patricia Evan's book "The VErbally Abusive Relationship." Read Marie France Hirigoyen's book "Stalking the Soul." Perform Google search for "Sighns of a Battering Personality."

Friendship is about mutuality. I just don't see it in this relationship.

4:34 pm
April 27, 2004


sixfootblonde

New Member

posts -1

So let me get this straight: tomorrow is your birthday, this woman acts horrid no matter what, your child is being acted out against, you miss your family etc…….um, for your birthday, take your kids and go be with your family. Your wife is that angry …. she is afraid of something. If I were you I would tell her, I love you and you are welcome to come with us but it is my birthday and I want to spend it with my family (or friends, whichever). She will only succeed if you let her. My guess would be that she is afraid of not being needed by you, not being necessary to you, so she is trying to exclude everything else from your life but her. Probably she doesn't like herself for this behavior and the brunt of it is born by you. I guess I would be sick of it by now too, especially with the attitude being taken out on the child.

I hope you find the courage to take those kids and go be with someone who can laugh with you on your birthday, and allow you to relax for a few moments. Then go from there.

Good luck, and Happy early Birthday!

5:44 pm
April 27, 2004


CAMER

Member

posts 100

try talking with your wife, ,,,,,she seems very controlling, especially for what you have said, you deserve to be treated fairly, try to have a heart to heart conversation with her and let her know……and I wish you a super happy birthday 2morrow, even
though you may not be up for it….

5:09 am
April 28, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

I think your wife is very insecure and doesn't feel like anyone could really love her, to she pushes you to prove it and when you try to, then she sabotages it. The sad thing is that she is abusing you. I commend you for not responding to her in kind. It is hard for a man to talk about being abused by a woman, even though we make such a big damn deal all the time about how boys should never ever hit girls! As soon as someone finds out a man is being abused in a relationship, there is often some harsh judgment about his masculinity–which is a bunch of crap! It takes more courage to refrain from hurting someone when you know you can.

How do you want to be treated?

Ren'ai

11:23 am
April 28, 2004


sixfootblonde

New Member

posts -1

Happy Birthday, concernedforkids!!

I hope this is the start to a year of hope, a year of change, and a year of calm strenth for you and your children. You all deserve it.

3:09 am
April 29, 2004


concernedforkids

New Member

posts -1

Thanks for all of your feeback and encouragement. I'm relieved just to get some of that off of my chest.
To Worried_Dad: One night I found my wife screaming uncontrollably at my son, who was 3 at the time. She also grabbed his arm hard enough to leave a bad bruise. It scared the hell out of me, mainly because her outburst lasted a little while. Since then it's been mostly verbal abuse although she has thrown water on me and broken things of value to me in her fits of anger. But the problem is I'm starting to see her direct more of her anger at my son, and he, too, is learning to walk on eggshells. I don't know what is best for them.
To Sixfootblond and Camer, thanks for the birthday wishes. It turned out to be a better day than I first thought. more later

7:30 am
April 29, 2004


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Hi C.

Happy belated B-day! Glad the day turned out better than you hoped.

If your boy is already learning to walk on eggshells then it's time to really do something.

Z.

5:46 pm
April 29, 2004


sandbell

New Member

posts -1

Hello concernedforkids. I like your wife, have an anger problem. I have a daughter who is two, but I have never taken any anger or frustation out on her, it is always toward my husband. He always tells me that I talk at him not to him. I have swung at him, thrown the DVD player to the ground becuase he was watching a movie instead of listening to what I had to say. We mostly fight about his problems, he has a son with a woman he was never married to and that has been problem after problem. The bottom line is that I know I have a problem with the I react when I am angry and I don't like being that way, I just made an appoinment to see an anger managment therapist. That is the only way your wife will overcome her anger. She has to accept her problem, if she doesn't feel she has one, why would she want to get help. If you leave her, she will still have to be around your children, and then you won't be around to protect them, but on the other if you stay you will contiue on this abusive cycle. It's a catch 22. Only you know how much you can tolerate. Good luck!!!

6:44 pm
April 29, 2004


Worried_Dad

Member

posts 43

Child Abuse is NOT acceptable!!!

7:40 pm
April 29, 2004


annastar

New Member

posts -1

I remember my husband used to drive me nuts!

9:16 pm
April 29, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

If your wife is directing her anger at your son, it is serious. In fact, you could lose your son for what's called "failure to protect" if your wife is being abusive to him, or abusive to you in front of him. I can't begin to stress the importance of seeking help immediately. If you go through your state funded protective services department, they have lots of programs and resources for you, your wife, and your son that can help you, most of them free of charge. Please consider seeking some kind of assistance. You and your son deserve to live safe, happy lives.

10:22 pm
April 29, 2004


Molly

New Member

posts -1

Could be alot of things going on here. What is your wife's day to day like? Does she do any action that gives her validation ? true child abuse is not acceptable, she crosses the line there. However…. people do loose controll when they are out of controll, and in denial, its real darn easy to be in denial. I will co-sign the concept of her insecurity… Action makes us secure. Some times even being the perfect wife , in this case, har har, although she might percieve her self to be, or perfect mother, despite some once and a while reactions, or clean house, and cooking dinner every night. What is her stress level, is she working, is she hormonal, what was her mother like,when did this evidence its self?
Can you two talk ? would she be willing to do a work book with you ? I don't care much for marriage counselors. You are either in a place where you want to work things out, or you want to blame. Try relational rescue by Phil……check her response to your suggestion. Does she have a life out side of the home, you, your son?
How is her weight? Could she be depressed as well, how are the hormonal swings ? When was her last physical? Is she sick and tired, dreams didn't come true and dumping all this on you ??? Displaced anger ? Lots to process here, but something to think about and perhaps begin with. Do not be a victim, be pro active

10:27 pm
April 29, 2004


annastar

New Member

posts -1

Wow, Molly!


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