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I NEED ADVICE BAD!!!AND IN A HURRY!!

UserPost

3:25 pm
November 29, 2006


smboc

New Member

posts -1

I HAD MADE A CHOICE TO WALK AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND YESTERDAY.I HELPED HIM GET ALL SETTLED IN WITH A ROOMMATE,SO HE WASNT LIVEN WITH ME OR IN HOTELS OR ANYTHING.IVE BEEN WITH HIM EVERYDAY FOR 3 MONTHS HE CAME TO LIVE WITH ME CAUSE HE HAD NOWHERE TO STAY.ITS BEEN SO HARD BECAUSE HE DONT HAVE A CAR OR LICENSE IVE BEEN GETTING HIM TO AND FROM WORK,I ALREADY HAVE 3 KIDS AND WAS GOING THROUGH ALOT WHEN I MET HIM.HES HAD A VERY HARD LIFE AND I WAS THE FIRST POSITITVE THING HES EVER HAD AROUND HIM.I PUSHED HIM TO BETTER HIMSELF.BUT HE CAN BE SO MEAN SOMETIMES AND COMPLETLY OPPOSITE FROM ALL I WANT AND NEED IN MY LIFE.HE HAS A BAD TEMPER AND BAD ATTITUDE EXSPECIALL TOWARD LIFE,I DONT NEED THAT IN MY LIFE THATS THE SAME AS ALL THE REST OF MY FAILED RELATIONSHIPS.WHEN I DROPPED HIM OFF LAST NIGHT,I JUST KISSED HIM AND SAID LOVE YA SEE YA TOMOORROW,KNOWING THAT I DIDNT INTEND ON GOING BACK.I HAD PLANNED TO JUST STOP ALL COMMUNICATION.WELL HES BEEN CALLING AND I HAVENT PICKED UP THE PHONE BUT IM STARTING TO REALLY FEEL AWFUL ABOUT THIS.I FEEL CRUEL,I DO CARE ABOUT HIM BUT DONT WANT TO GO THROUGH CRAP,BUT HE CAN BE SO GOOD TO ME AND WE CAN HAVE FUN TOGETHER.BUT I NEED MORE IN LIFE.SHOULD I GO BY AND TRY TO TALK TO HIM TONIGHT OR JUST KEEP ON WITH MY PLAN/EITHER WAY IM FEELING SO GUILTY RIGHT NOW?

3:30 pm
November 29, 2006


thumkin

New Member

posts -1

Dont answer that phone!!!

3:30 pm
November 29, 2006


soprano2

New Member

posts -1

Keep up with your plan. It is started and keep relying on us.

I have seen tons of advice about the No Contact on here, and it is all very good.

You can always rely on people here to help you through this. Good luck and stay strong because it might be harder to do the next time.

3:34 pm
November 29, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

Really you just be open and honest and forthright and most of all TELL him you don't want a relationship with him. It is not fair to him to just leave it and expect him to guess. Maybe he has had a hard life but with someone like you around to take care of him you must really lighten the load for him. But really he is not all that good for you if he has a bad temper and a bad attitude. Why stay with a negative person to drown you? Why do you feel guilty for doing something that you needed to do, that you know is right for you? Guilt is useless emotion. YOu cannot do a thing with it. Of course it is not easy to break up with someone because you don't want to hurt them but in the long run you are doing what is best for you and you are also doing what is right for him. It is not fair of you to be doing all this taking care of him especially in the beginning stages of the relationship. I mean you need to be taken care of you and he should have been the man to do this. In a relationship you should have your needs met too. He does not sound like he is capable of taking care of you nor anytime soon. You deserve better. Break up with him, tell him, and get it over with. It might hurt for a little bit but this is something that you have decided. Prolonging the inevitable only will make you feel even more guilt and allow him to play on you so that you ocan feel sorry for him. this man needs to take care of himself before he can take care of anyone. He can only do that on his own so think of it that way as well.

3:37 pm
November 29, 2006


smboc

New Member

posts -1

ITS HARD RIGHT NOW.HE DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS GOING ON EVERYTHING WAS GOOD WHEN I LEFT HIM LAST NIGHT,IM JUST SO SCARED OF THIS REPEAT IN MY LIFE.I SWARE HE CAN BE SO GOOD TO ME.IN THE NEXT BREATH HES VERY MORBID.HELL I DONT KNOW IF I DO OR I DONT WANT HIM.IM GETTING VERY ANXIOUS FEELING.

3:38 pm
November 29, 2006


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

You have done the right thing…like cutting a tumor out of your life. Don't let him back in. Write down all the mean, terrible, cruel things he has ever said or done to you(or others), while they are still fresh in your memory. Write them down and then read them whenever you are tempted to answer those calls.

You are free of him. He sounds like bad news and he is NOT going to change.

- Ma Strong

3:50 pm
November 29, 2006


jastypes

New Member

posts -1

You are NOT helping him by picking up the pieces of his broken life. He has to learn to do that on his own. You were co-dependent and enabling. You're on the right track. Keep venting here.

3:57 pm
November 29, 2006


smboc

New Member

posts -1

DO ANY OF YOU BELIEVE THAT MAYBE A PERSON CAN BE GOOD WITH THE RIGHT GUIDANCE.HES ALWAYS HAD SOME MUCH NEGATIVITY EVEN AS A CHILD AND I COULD HAVE HAD A GOOD LIFE WITH HIM MAYBE IF THINGS WOULD COME TOGETHER.I CANT HELP BUT FEEL SO SELFISH RIGHT NOW BUT AFTER 3 DIVORCES AND ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS I HAVE IM AFRAID OF INVESTING TIME. ONE DAY IM GOING TO HAVE TO STICK IT OUT INSTEAD OF RUNNING,I JUST DONT KNOW WHEN.

3:59 pm
November 29, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

He is not so good if he is bad to you. It does not make up for it ya know. Don't excuse it. And don't settle if you do not want to. Having a good life with just yourself is better than having a bad life with someone else. That anxious sign you feel is because you are not in a good place. You know what you want to do but can't so fear is causing you to be sick. You've only been with him 3 months and look at the whole picture, 3 months and it has not been all that good. It is no way to start a relationship with all this and you deserve love, support and steadyiness of a relationship. Of course he won't be happy with the news, who likes it when someone breaks up with you, it is not a pleasant experience but it is short lived compared to the experiences you may face if you don't do what is best for you. I don't think you really want this so say so.

4:02 pm
November 29, 2006


thumkin

New Member

posts -1

Taj, for clarification are you asking her if she would rather not break up? I was unsure of what your last sentence was saying?

4:04 pm
November 29, 2006


smboc

New Member

posts -1

ALL MY BOYFRIEND HAVE BEEN LIKE HIM.I PUT YEARS INTO TRYING TO CHANGE THERE "EVIL" WAYS.FOR SOME REASON THIS ONE WELL FOR STARTERS IS 14 YEARS OLDER THAN ME.HE HAS NO CHILDREN LIKE ME AND HE SPENT 25 YEARS OF HIS LIFE IN PRISON AND HIS WHOLE CHILDHOOD BEING BEATIN.I GAVE HIM A START SOMEWHERE BUT MY ENERGIES ARE EXHAUSTED

4:08 pm
November 29, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

This is a grown up man, capable of making his own decision and running his own life. How is it your job to give him guidance? Emotional support is one thing but the right guidance to do the right things? That is not for you to do for him. It doesn't sound like he is capabile of listening to it anyway. You cannot always change a person. You do not have a magic wand. He is negative because he chooses to be negative. So what if you have had many relatoinships. Why should you stick this one out just because of that? It sounds to me as if running away from this is the best answer in the long run. I would not think twice about being selfish because really it is not being selfish but self caring towards yourself. I mean what does he do for you besides bring negativity in your life? That alone is enough to want to say No.

4:11 pm
November 29, 2006


jastypes

New Member

posts -1

It's typical of co-dependency — trying to FIX someone. You can't do it. Can he change? Sure — if he wants to, and if he gets help on his own. Can you change him? Sorry, no. What you do need to do is focus on you and why you feel this need to fix a man, and how you can develop more healthy behaviors. Please look into a support group like Al-Anon, CoDa, or my personal favorite, Celebrate Recovery.

4:15 pm
November 29, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

25 years in prison? That is really long time. Why rescue this person? You do not need to feel sorry for him. Alright so you gave him a start, so now your job is completely done. You do not owe this man a thing. What has he done for you? No wonder you are exhausted. You got a life here one that involves kids, and you are setting it up for your kids to see it is ok to take on ANY man, a man straight out of prison, someone who has been there for a reason. Don't confuse love with pity. You can be alright without a man especially a man like this.

4:22 pm
November 29, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

I was wondering do you think you need a challenge so you take on men that need help? Maybe you have taken on so many relationships that it is uncomfortable for you to take on someone steady and quiet and not so full of drama that it might seem boring to you. Maybe pay attention next time around for someone who won't play on your sympathetic side or seem to eager. Maybe you just do not know what it is like to have a giving person to do things for you so this is all you know is to give and not receive. Think about it. Are you giving too much? You deserve better.

4:23 pm
November 29, 2006


smboc

New Member

posts -1

DOSENT EVERYONE DESERVE TO BE LOVED THOUGH?I SEE HIM AS A PERSON,I GUESS THATS WHERE MY WEAKNESS COMES IN.THANKS FOR ALL YOUR FEEDBACK GUYS IM NOT TRYING TO BE HARD TO LISTEN,THIS IS JUST HARD FOR ME AND IM SCARED.

4:28 pm
November 29, 2006


thumkin

New Member

posts -1

EVERYONE does deserve to be loved. INCLUDING YOU. Are you getting that now? Does he try to be supportive of you? Does he consider your needs before his own? There may come a time when he is ready to make the changes he needs to in his life, but do you want to lose your life waiting for that day which may or may not come?

4:33 pm
November 29, 2006


smboc

New Member

posts -1

TAJ64-YOU ARE VERY RIGHT ABOUT ME.I HAD A GOOD HUSBAND ONCE AND I WAS THE CAUSE OF OUR BREAKUP.MY MARRIAGE TO HIM LASTED 4 MONTHS,HE WAS A VERY TOGETHER CHURCH GOING MAN,KIDS LOVED HIM,HE WAS AWESOME TO ME,WORKED,TOOK CARE OF ME LIKE A PRINCESS,AND I CHEATED ON HIM WITH A MAN WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS THIS GUY NOW HAS.HE LEFT ME AND I COULDNT BLAME HIM.IVE BEEN ON MEDS FOR BIPOLAR FOR12 YEARS ON AND OFF AND WHEN I WAS WITH HIM I STAYED IN A DEPREESIVE MODE THE WHOLE TIME,NEVER A HIGH.I FELT USELESS AND BORED AND HE TOOK CARE OF ME.SINCE HE LEFT WHICH WAS 3 YEARS AGO ITS BEEN ONE BEHINDTHE NEXT AND IVE LOST EVERYTHING BEHIND THEM(MEN). I WANT TO BREAK THE PATTERN SO BAD BUT MY THERAPIST SAYS I HAVE TO STAY ON MY MEDS AND TAKE A GOOD YEAR OFF FROM DATING.I HAVENT BEEN WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND SINCE I WAS 15 YEARS OLD THATS WHEN I HAD MY FIRST CHILD AND MY FIRST HUSBAND.I AM NOW 27 AND NEVER BEEN WITHOUT A MAN IN MY LIFE

4:35 pm
November 29, 2006


jastypes

New Member

posts -1

Ah, you're so young! Your therapist has some really good advice there. The people here can help you stick with that advice and hold you accountable for taking your meds and staying out of a relationship so you can get your own head together. Did you take your meds today?

4:36 pm
November 29, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

Well I see nothing wrong with caring about a person but when you give it all you have this way and get nothing in return and also you are not thinking of yourself, your needs are not being met by this man, and I see someone who is getting used. And that is not fair. Of course you are scared. You care about this guy. Nothing wrong with caring. But don't lose yourself to a man. It is only 3 months into the relationship, and it is a bad sign for this guy to be mean to you. That is not a caring man. And being nice does not make up for it and it confuses you even more which is why you are suffering this way – confusion. Does this man really love you, love you for who you are or because you take care of him so much and he has nobody else. A man will have more respect for you if you can take care of yourself and not be too giving. It sounds like he is really taking advantage of you and does not treat you the way you treat him. A good relationship, is balanced both taking and receiving.

4:43 pm
November 29, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

I think your therapist has something going on there by telling you to not date for awhile. That is what I am doing right now. Leading a path where i am not looking for a man or even a relationship. The last one really left me in pieces and I need time to heal. Filling your life with a void in it by replacing it with a man does not allow you to face what is going on with your own self. It forces you to take the focus off yourself and not deal with it. Believe me it has been hard to heal and face what is left of me but I learn to get stronger and learn to like me for who I am and not who I could be to someone else. You ahve to learn to be yourself and that involves being around yourself. You will become a stronger person. And when you are ready for a relationship you will attract someone more like yourself and what you want and really need. Of course it is not easy to do this but it is better than settling for things you know are not good for you.

5:21 pm
November 29, 2006


smboc

New Member

posts -1

THE PHONE STILL RINGING BUT YOU GUYS ARE REALLY GOOD SUPPORT.EVERY TIME IT RINGS I THINK IF I DONT PICK UP WHAT IF I REGRET IT AND START MISSING HIM AND WANTING HIM BACK,HE MAY NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN.I JUST WALK AWAY FROM IT.THIS IS SO BAD TO ME!!

5:25 pm
November 29, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

You do not have to make a decision right now. But I would seriously look at your options. Missing a person is sooooo normal in a break up. It is hard to go through it. You cannot worry about whether or not he talks to you again. It is perfectly ok to go back and forth with mixed emotions and regret. Only when you get out of it for awhile and start to recover do you really know the answer. But one things is for sure, and if this relationship truly was a good healthy one, you will not feel confused this way nor would you stay in just so that you do not hurt anyone. Of course there is some hurt involved. I have to go now but I think as long as you give it some time to think about it and time away to see if this is good for you, a decision might be clearer. Just know you will be ok, that these hard feelings will pass. Good luck.

7:36 pm
November 29, 2006


malibugirl

New Member

posts -1

Something you have to realize–YOU can't fix peoples problems FOR them. If you can't be supportive without running someone's life for them, you shouldn't be involved with them Yes, every one needs and deserves to be loved, just not all by you. Learn how to be with yourself–sounds like you're a little afraid to be alone. It is a scary prospect, however, it's also very liberating. You don't need to be with this person. The last person your children need to be around is an ex-con — God only knows what he experienced in prison and you don't need to come home one day and find him abusing one of your kids. You WILL find someone else of a much better calibur than the people you keep "finding". Every one is right–take time for you. Don't worry about how other people are going to be loved in this life.

8:24 pm
November 29, 2006


smboc

New Member

posts -1

WELL HE HAS CALLED ABOUT 10 TIMES BOTH MY WORK AND CELL NUMBER.MY MOM JUST CALLED AND SAID HE CALLED HER AND THAT HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT ME BECAUSE HE HADNT HEARD ANYTHING FROM ME AND I WASNT AT WORK.MOM JUST SAID SHE WOULD GIVE ME THE MESSAGE THAT HE CALLED.IM STARTING TO THINK THIS WHOLE IDEA WAS CRAZY.HES PROBABLY SITTING BACK WITH A BEER AND IM FEELING LIKE A SAD BABY.I FEEL LIKE IM HURTING MYSELF /LETTING HIM GO IS HURTING ME MORE THAN IT IS HIM,AND BEFORE NOW I WAS CONVINCED I DIDNT CARE.WHY DO I ALL OF A SUDDEN"CARE" SO MUCH.TODAY BEING THE FIRST DAY I HAVE HAD NO CONTACT WITH HIM IN 3 MONTHS MAYBE THATS IT.I SWARE THIS SUCKS.IM SITTING HERE CAUSING PROBLEMS WHEN THERE DIDNT HAVE TO BE,IM THE ONE HURTING.STUPID STUPID GIRL.


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