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I JUST FOUND OUT DAUGHTER HAD ABORTION

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5:22 pm
August 9, 2005


watson

New Member

posts -1

I've always said that a woman should have the choice …. that it is their body; their life; their decision.

But I just found out my 23 year old daughter just had an abortion to end a 8 week pregnancy. She isn't married. She and her boyfriend haven't been together very long and don't have any long term committment plans at this point. To have unprotected sex and get pregnant was stupid!

I know she knows all that and is emotionally hurting. I'd like to comfort her, but she hasn't told me directly about the abortion. I found out through her younger sister. Supposedly daughter expressed that she feels I would be unforgiving and "disown" her. I don't know why she thinks that!

She's just gone through what must be the most painful experience any woman can! I know she hurts!!! But if I contact her, she will know that younger sister betrayed her confidence.

What do I do?

5:43 pm
August 9, 2005


mamacinnamon

New Member

posts -1

Watson:

I'm sorry for the loss. I have been faced w/ the same predicament of how to talk to a child that a sibling has informed on and not risk the relationship and trust between them.

My case involves my son and drugs. Not nearly as serious, but the relationship between the sibling this is. My kids know they can tell me anything, yet they don't. I think it is that way for most parents. She doesn't tell you also coz she doesn't want to disappoint you or hurt you. Can't tell me those factors are not involved also.

What I have done w/ my son's sis and fiance is when I felt I really had to say something to him and there was no other way around it I do this…. I sit my daughter down and tell her that this is something that mom needs to be a part of whether her brother thinks so or not. So, in order to keep anonymity she needs to say "I'm GOING tellin mom". Pre tense not past tense. If he insists not she is to say to him "(name), I love you and this is something that mom needs to know too. As much as I love you I also love her". At that point walk out and supposedly come straight to me. It may cause a momentary rift between the two, but the confidentiality (as far as one knows) has not been broken. It is a decision of love by the sibling. And that leaves me open to help patch up their relationship when he gets mad and won't talk to her because he didn't want her to (not because she went behind his back).
Sneakie; probably, but sometimes it's ok.

7:04 pm
August 9, 2005


watson

New Member

posts -1

Thanks, Mama. Somewhere inside of me I am thinking that daughter may be using younger sister as a conduit to me. I think I will contact daughter and let her know I love her no matter what happens.

There is a part of me that is feeling a loss, too. But it's not what I need to center on right now.

Thanks for your support! W

7:14 pm
August 9, 2005


stardust

New Member

posts -1

11:11 pm
August 9, 2005


on my way

New Member

posts -1

watson…I am 52, when I was 23 I had an abortion. The guilt is horrible to deal with.

I told my mother, she was upset because I was hurt, and that I did not talk to her about it beforehand. But she never accused me of anything horrible, and it helped to know that she reassured me and was there for me no matter what the circumstances.

Years later, married, divorced, 3 young men for sons. I have had to learn that my pictures as young men in their 20's are not their pictures. They have thier own perceptions of me, their dad, and how they grew up…and all three are different. I let them remember it their way, because it allows them to trust me enough to talk…many times I have just listened…biting my tongue, but they have never seen the teethmarks!! :-)

Being a parent is difficult. And, our chidren do not always understand when we want to be there for them when they are older. When they are young, we care for them, hold them, rock them, stay up all night when they are ill…emergency room visits, dances, football games, proms, dating,… abortion. All the same little girl or boy they always were inside. Look deep inside her maybe…you will see her….just needs you to love her differently. My dad was very protective of me, that felt good when I was hurting.

Delicate matters…we are expected to be God sometimes, but of course we cannot be!!

best to you and your daughter,

11:48 pm
August 9, 2005


ACryForHelp

New Member

posts -1

I know exactly what your daughter feels…

Yes, getting knocked up was irresponsible but you don’t know what happened… A condom could have broke, she could have taken an antibiotic while on the pill, she could have taken her pill more then 2 hours later then she should have, there are 100 reasons other then “I had sex without protection”.

If you tell her you know then it will ruin the relationship between her and “the narc” but you will feel bad until you do something…so be creative in an alternative story of how you know.

I was 18 and my boyfriend at the time-come-fiancé-come-ex told me that he couldn't have children so we didn't have to worry about condoms any more…

He swore up and down that he had medical documentation to back it up!

We had been together for about a year and then *BAM* – something felt 'wrong'.

In the back of my mind I knew I was pregnant but I kept praying that I was mistaken… After a missed period I told him and he said that we would keep it but it was my decision.

I was young, very young, and VERY VERY Scared! His parent's came down to phoenix to visit a friend of the family and he told her and she started to work on him…she convinced him it was a horrible idea to keep it! He was 5 years older then me…I was just out of HS…He was too immature…

She convinced him then he started working on me…then the Two of them started in…

Using all my fears…manipulating everything I had ever told them about my bad past! She suddenly became "Loving, caring, mom you never had" and between the two of them and my fear they somehow convinced me that it was a HORRIBLE idea to have a child so he put the phone in my hand and hit the button and I set up the appointment.

It was HORRIBLE!

I remember that last interview with the nurse where she asked "You are doing this of your own free will and no one is forcing you to do anything against your will, right?" and SAYING 'No this is my choice' but SCREAMING in my mind "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! OH DEAR GOD WHY AM I HERE!?!?!?"

I can still say to this day that I do not regret what I did but that still doesn't take away the hurt. The only thing I regret is that I didn't let them tell me if it was a boy or a girl. (But it probably saved me a lot of further heart ach.)

I can only imagine what a HORRIBLE life both the child and I would be having right now if I didn't let them push me through the door…

We stayed together for 3 ½ more years because the two of us felt trapped by the experience. He had no empathy and would just sit there at the computer and play Everquest while I laid on the bed, 3 feet away, and cried…No comfort, no caring words, he just put his head phones on so that he could hear the noises of the game better and talked about the “guild quest” or whatever he was doing that night…

No matter what you are feeling right now there is NOTHING you can do to make the situation better for her even once you confront her and let her cry on your shoulder. She will feel sad for the rest of her life no matter if she regrets her decision or not.

In fact she MIGHT be ashamed of what she did…I am…I know for a fact that I will NEVER TELL ANYONE what I did and unless someone finds out what Planned Parenthood I went to and forged my signature to get the files NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW! Planned Parenthood has an EXELENT privacy policy that is even more strict then federal law requires.

So don’t push it…It may hurt you to have to pretend that nothing is wrong but you will NEED TO WAIT FOR HER TO COME TO YOU! Even if that means that you have to wait years and years…

It’s been almost 6 years since I did it and now I can think about it, and write stuff like this, without breaking down into tears but it took a long time and a lot of strength to face up to what I did and what would have happened if I hadn’t.

Just like with me it was probably for the best. Respect her wishes and just hold your tong for as long as you can…you don’t know the details…

Thanks for letting me rant, I hope it helps – I know that writing it out has really made me feel better.

4:57 am
August 10, 2005


Cinamac

New Member

posts -1

First I am so sorry for your loss and your trying difficult situation. My prayers are with you and your family.

Would it be abnormal for you to phone? Drop over? (My kids are 16 and 15 so I eat breathe and sleep the little darlin's…but I know at 23 this changes…so that is why I am asking). you be there and just start building the bridge.

I often know what my kids are going through, even though they don't want me to know. But I comfort them anyways…It doesn't matter if they tell me or not…

I will say that they usually confide more than I need to know…and as a result, my son has underwent drug rehab, and is intense counselling (the kids that were in the gang are now harrassing him…it's like Hotel California, I tell ya). I'm a teacher in the same highschool I pretty much know what is going on….people think kids don't rat…they rat all over the place. Why I say this is that I wasn't supposed to know many things, but I knew that when I went through things that I wished someone comforted me anyways.

My sweet Gaelic Grandmother would…I doubt she ever knew the hell I went through, but she was always there at the right time. I would talk with her crytpically- and it was all pretty crytpic, exp. when she got Altzheimers, but we would talk and she would comment on things. Like a Budhha, a saint, she NEVER said a jugdmental word. She would hug me and say everything will be alright even as she lay dying.

IMHO- you don't need an excuse. Go. Let the cards fall where they may.

Cinamac

6:59 am
August 11, 2005


CODA_Mom

New Member

posts -1

((((watson))))

My 20-year-old, unmarried daughter also got pregnant last year and told everyone else except for us (parents) and her brother. She told her two sisters not to tell us, which they didn't. She miscarried the child and told us everything a few days later.

It was heartbreaking knowing that she had gone thru that experience without our support, plus finding out that many others in the community knew about it but us (we live in a very small town).

Chances are that many others already know about what happened and my guess is that she hasn't told you because she was afraid of your reaction. My daughter said that she didn't tell us because she was afraid we'd have the child taken away!!! This wouldn't have ever happened, and we suspect she has been fed the wrong information from others.

If I were you, I would very gently let her know that you already know and are there for her. She needs you right now, needs your support. As far as the confidentiality part, I believe that some family secrets are meant to be exposed…those that cause harm to a family member or to others. By sharing such a charged secret with her sister and telling her not to tell you is causing faction-building and is blocking out crucial support.

She may not admit it, but it will give her a sense of relief to be able to talk about it with you (as long as you do not overreact or blame, save that for us here ;)

My prayers are with you,

CM

4:21 pm
August 11, 2005


watson

New Member

posts -1

First of all, thanks to everyone for your support. I really needed to hear what you had to say and after thinking about everything, I decided to telephone my daughter (she lives 120 miles away and I couldn't drive to see her).

I asked her not to be upset with her sister, but that I had found out about what she was going through and wanted to let her know how much I love her and reassure her that I will always be here for her.

I think it helped her to be able to talk to me. She said her boyfriend was very supportive during the process. She feels shame and guilt and feels like she may have made a hasty decision to terminate the pregnancy. She only gave herself three days from the time she found out to the time the procedure was done.

I assured her that everything was okay and suggested that she contact the Center for counseling support. I did go on-line and made a search on the topic of abortion, just to have a better idea in my own mind what was happening. My daughter is a very sensitive person and I'm concerned about her mental health. I told her to call me at any time of day or night if she wanted to vent. I was surprised at the range of emotions that I felt and can only guess at the emotions she is feeling.

Like I said before, thanks to everyone for your support! W

8:24 pm
August 11, 2005


Cinamac

New Member

posts -1

I am glad to hear this….honesty is always the best policy…reality bites, but when you face it, we can be there for each other. Way to go. It will serve as inspiration for me…thank you

And all the best with your daughter


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