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I feel like I don't know how to date.

UserPost

10:01 am
October 6, 2005


2bstrong

New Member

posts -1

Hello friends,

I have been dating on and off for the past 3 months. Most of the guys that I have been dating have been from an internet dating web site. It has been interesting at times, mostly fun and a lot of nice people.

There is one guy in particular that I like. In the beginning he wanted to move really fast–he wanted to date exclusively after about one week (five dates). I went against my gut and agreed. I thought it was too fast. We had some passionate make out sessions and he talked about eventually having sex, but not too soon. Things were going along great until about week three. Then he told me I liked him more than he liked me, and he put his profile back on the site without telling me.

He said he still wanted to go out with me, but my passion (during making out) and dedication to my faith confused him. (I am a religious and spiritual person) He also felt uncomfortable with a sexy top that I wore out to dinner one evening.

After that talk, he said we would have to start over with dating. So, we have. He has asked me to try and understand where he is coming from, and he would like to take it "real slow".

He was out of the country for ten days and returned on Sunday. He sent me an e-mail from India saying he had made it ok. I responded wishing him well.

I haven't heard from him yet. I don't know why I am freaking out about this. I suppose because I like him and have allowed myself to become attached to him.

I have been doing a good job of beating myself up for sabotaging the relationship by returning his phone calls and being too available when he calls me for dates. (Remember the book "The Rules"? I used to live by that…and in this relationship–I have broken several of them.)

I would be interested to hear how women and men approach dating. Do you guys have certain personal guidelines that you follow when you begin to date someone, and you see potential?

I would appreciate your input–I need support today!

2b

10:08 am
October 6, 2005


balancesekr

New Member

posts -1

hi 2b,

Dating can be the worst, its so awkward.

My thoughts are… Forget the rule book! I think living by the rules is a bad choice. Love is not a game, although to some guys and gals it is, so you need to be aware of who you are dealing with.

When you have a genuine person, who is really interested in having a healthy relationship, they will not want to play games. What are your rules? What do you like? How do you feel the man you want to be with should be?

My beliefs on this topic, (I'm no expert) are… to keep yourself busy with things you enjoy and try to fill yourself up with other things. Maybe don't try forcing dating right now.

Within most relationship success stories, both people were pursuing their passion and met along the way. The more we look, the more forced it is.

balancesekr

10:18 am
October 6, 2005


CAMER

Member

posts 100

just be careful with this guy…he is the one who wanted to back out at first cuz he liked you more than him….and then he takes off out of the country for 10 days….this is all new, its just "dating" try not to
get your heart hooked too quickly.

Make him earn your love and respect, and don't have him try to be the one in control.

I don't know, this guy just doesn't seem too promising, and HE seems like he is rushing into things too quickly.

Take your time and let the relationship develop at a slow pace.

good luck!

10:44 am
October 6, 2005


Guest

posts

Hi 2b,

O.K… This book is my bible today. I am quoting from it all over the place!!! (He's just not that into you)… I think this excerpt applies to your situation. Let me apologize in advance if it hurts your feelings:

We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they're behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that's the turth: He's just not that into me.

OUCH!!!!

11:11 am
October 6, 2005


2bstrong

New Member

posts -1

Thank you all so much for your posts.

I like your thoughts, balance–I am in 100% overthink mode right now. Probably because I want SOMEONE, ANYONE so badly in my life. I need to relax and find some peace in just being.

Thanks for the support, camer. I always say when we are too close to something, it is often difficult to think rationally. I think I am being irrational right now. Way too much invested in thinking about him and why he hasn't called me and what HE wants. What do I WANT? (balancesker also said this).

TC–I needed to hear that! That does not hurt my feelings! The truth is often bitter medicine to swallow, but it is medicine–to help us get better! I think I have put him on some sort of pedastal–or I am building one for him to stand on!

I HAVE GOT to read that book. Do you think it is helping you?

The other issue I have is the "I failed" in this new relationship too. It's the same old negative self talk. That is the real and true reason that I posted this thread. I am feeling like a failure. Why can't I just move on!!!!!!!!!!!!????????

UGH.

11:20 am
October 6, 2005


CAMER

Member

posts 100

2b, you said it…you want someone / anyone….and its true, be at peace with yourself and just "be".

Maybe this guy makes your heart flutter a lil', its nice having someone to like & like back but if he is not for you, go with your gut on this one, don't settle.

Now build a pedastal for YOU to stand on, cuz YOU are the one that is important, and only you will keep YOU happy…..hope that makes sense!

You had a life b4 you met this guy!! remember that, do things that you like doing, make this about you and the focus will fade on him.

11:41 am
October 6, 2005


Guest

posts

Hmmmm… Is the book helping me???? Well, I can say that I have read it and said "ouch, ouch, ouch!". It is brutally honest and blunt!

I hate to believe that men are THAT SIMPLE… that things are THAT cut and dry. But, maybe they are!!! Maybe that's why men and women have such a difficult time getting together because we view things sooooo completely differently.

I'm tired of saying, if he cared, "he SHOULDA, he COULDA, he'd WANT TO," etc. I guess it's much easier to just say, Well, maybe he is just not that into me. Period. It hurts like hell, especially when it is someone that told you that they loved you…

I'm trying really hard to let go, to accept what is and move on… I guess the book helps a little bit, but it still hurts…

TC

11:48 am
October 6, 2005


Guest

posts

2b,

You are NOT A FAILURE!!!!! The same way I am not a failure… nor are any of the other people that are suffering on this site, failures!!!

When you read my story, what do you say? "Wow! What a loser! She can't even make a relationship work. She must be a pathetic failure!"

I hope you don't. But, that is precisely what I say to myself… Is it factual? No. Is it healthy? No. Is it the way the outside world views me? No. (or at least they don't admit it to my face!)…

Try and step outside of yourself 2b… You are simply choosing the wrong men to get wrapped up in. There has GOT to be someone out there that will appreciate us and all we have to offer… we can't give up on that and we should NOT give up on ourselves!!!!! We are terminally self-aware!!! We know what we want… we are just having trouble getting it. That's all. We're not failures… Don't keep telling yourself that. You do not want it to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you see yourself as "un-worthy", you are going to attract un-worthy men!!!!!

You have sooooo much to offer someone 2b! Honestly!!! Don't give up…

TC

1:28 pm
October 6, 2005


taj64

New Member

posts -1

You're just starting out so it is ok to try it out. That is why it is important to go out with several and not be exclusive so that you can compare. My grandmother always says it is the steady trotter that wins the race. If you are too uncomfortable in the beginning or too needy, it is a sign that this might not be a healthy relationship. You just have to dust yourself off and keep trying. Don't think of it as a failure but an experience.

2:00 pm
October 6, 2005


turnabout

New Member

posts -1

Here's a snippet that I journaled last night. It seems to apply here, so thought I'd share:

————————————-

Sometimes it's a real pain knowing that relationships really are very simple; It's us who complicate them by reading into things and not accepting that every person really does choose his or her behavior. When you want to believe in someone, it is so much more convenient to second guess what you've seen and experienced with them. … But, at what point is it no longer prudent to offer the benefit of the doubt? At what point do we stop looking for the deeper meaning and just accept the face they present us? At what point do we allow ourselves to stop believing without the guilt of giving up?

————————————-

So, you're beating yourself up for failing… But can you really see anything that you did WRONG? Weren't you responding to all the go ahead signals he was giving you? Isn't HE responsible for doing an about face on you? And didn't he drastically change his mind while implying it was all b/c of you? Does this sound like a stable person? Do you really think his perception of your relationship is reliable based on this?

Sounds like a pattern I've heard all too often. A girlfriend of mine went through it last year. Her bf started out all hot and heavy, being ready to say "I love you first," and then suddenly, and w/out explanation, pulled back.. .. wasn't sure what he wanted. Well, by then he had her hooked into feeling so secure with him, it ended up being a tough breakup for her. In fact, we compared our situations as being similar in that both of us allowed ourselves to believe early on that the guy was more vulnerable than we were and therefore let our guard down too easily.

As for rules, you make up what works for you. Personally, I don't care to see a new person more than twice a week to begin with or talk to them on phone every night. I have a life. I don't need someone I just met usurping all my time. Besides, I like those butterflies, but you lose their effect if you don't ever take a break from them so you can tell the difference between normal and butterflies.

2:10 pm
October 6, 2005


gingerleigh

New Member

posts -1

I'm right there with you in not knowing how to date. Try to view it as an adventure. When the next real relationship material man pops up, it will just work naturally. If you find yourself "wondering if", it probably isn't.

I also recommend the book "Be Honest you were't that into him either."

2:34 pm
October 6, 2005


Rasputin

New Member

posts 0

Hey 2B,

I honestly and strongly believe honey that you are still in mourning/grieving mode and you are trying to be in denial about it by rushing into relationships just to numb the pain or accelerate or if possible ignore this healing procees. Please dont!

A Relationship that lasted 10 years and 1/2 can NOT be dissolved within a few months. Please heal yourself first, have mercy on your heart honey. Your heart right now is bleeding, aching, shouting "2B! Have mercy on me, I am not yet ready for romantic committment!!!"

Also, be congruent; let your heart and actions be in sync to what you beleive in. If you confess to him that you're spiritual person, let him see that in your appearance, behavior, conduct, actions…

I can honestly see lots of fear and insecurity in you 2B, I am so saddened honey. I have always found you wise, honest, and dignified lady! What is going on? I suppose this is all due coz you're suppressing your pain!

Honey, I am sorry, I hope I was not cruel or harsh thru my honesty. But to me when I love someone dearly, I can't help but give Honest Feedback.

I really want 2BStrong back!!! The one I used to know, the wise, insightful, mature one. Will my wish be granted???

~Love & hugs, Ras~

2:35 pm
October 6, 2005


2bstrong

New Member

posts -1

Thanks for the uplifting words, tc. I am still on fragile ground because I haven't completely grieved the relationship with ex of ten-plus years. I struggle with my esteem so much. It seems that it should be so simple to love ourselves. I am a responsibility acceptor, so I always look to myself first to place blame.

Turnabout–Thank you for sharing your journaling excerpt, you are so intuitive. There is a recurring theme in this thread of experiencing or seeing one behavior, and wishing for another. Thank you for throwing the stability word in there too. I must be comfortable with the instability because I had so much of it in my previous relationship. It's familiar, it's what I know, so I gravitate toward it.

ginger–how funny! I was looking at that book title on amazon this morning. It is the perfect companion to "He just not…"

3:01 pm
October 6, 2005


2bstrong

New Member

posts -1

Hi Rasputin,

Thank you for reading my post and for the kind and loving words. You could not be cruel at all–honesty is never cruel. I am hurting, you are right. I was posting at the same time that you were and I said it myself. I am not over the ex yet.

Everything has been a struggle lately. I feel so disconnected and lost. I feel unwanted and old. I feel insecure and unhappy about where I am in life. I am just trying to be honest with you, all of my friends. I know this is the place for support.

I don't have much of a social life, so I started dating to jump start it. I had helped, but as you said, there are heartstrings involved.

I am trying to get grounded. I haven't stopped doing anything that is part of my recovery. I pray, read, attend services, listen to inspirational cd's, I haven't journaled too much, I have cut back on my visits to the counselor. It is all inside. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I feel so alone right now!

So, there it is. I will keep posting and processing. It does help. Thank you for listening.

3:35 pm
October 6, 2005


kathygy

New Member

posts -1

I have a lot of issues with that book, 'He's just not that into you". I really don't think its that simple. Sometimes because a man IS really into a woman he gets scared and runs away. Sometimes a man just isn't ready for a relationship yet with anyone. Many men have fear of intimacy no matter how much they are into a woman. Men have so many varied issues from childhood that keep them out of relationships. Also, if a man moves too fast he can scare himself which sounds like what happened with you and this man. There are also cases where a woman is too healthy for a man and he is seeking out high drama and instability. Just saying 'he just isn't into you' seems to me to imply that its something about the woman when in fact it can be very much about the man. The woman may be beautiful and great but he can't love her because of his issues that have nothing to do with the woman whatsoever.

As far as dating goes, I think you might need a lot time to be with yourself and learn to really love yourself. And when you do date keep an eagle's eye out for red flags and listen to them. Take it very slow. If a man tries too hard to rush a relationship I put on the brakes. If the man can't respect that he's not worth it. Also, keep out a sharp eye for how you are treated and be certain you are treated well consistently. If a man contacts me and I contact him in return the next move is up to him. I never call again if he dosen't return my call and if he waits too long to call me back forget it. I will not tolerate being left hanging. Just be sure you value yourself and the man values you equally.

4:11 pm
October 6, 2005


2bstrong

New Member

posts -1

Dear kathy,

Have YOU ever considered writing a book? You have a direct way with words that I think is a gift.

You are always able to guide the focus back to our selves. Without healthy selves, there is little chance for healthy relationships. I have learned from this thread today that I am trying to rush my grieving process because I am afraid of being alone.

I am printing this thread to read tonight!

Thank you all for caring enough to post to me.–with love, 2b

7:30 pm
October 6, 2005


turnabout

New Member

posts -1

Hey kathygy, have you read that book? It's focus is actually rather empowering that women do get to CHOOSE their partners and shouldn't settle for bad behavior. He stresses again and again that we have to stop MAKING EXCUSES for them. It doesn't matter WHY they disrespect us. It just matters that they DO… and we allow it by making excuses as to why, thereby letting them off the hook. He stresses that we need to stop letting men off the hook for letting us down. So, that's "He's Just Not That Into You" in a nutshell. I just saved you a few bucks. LOL

But I agree with you that the phrase "He's just not that into you" is misleading and overly simplistic. I am absolutely convinced that everything you described exactly fit my ex. I know he was REALLY into me, but he was intimidated that he wasn't good enough for me. He carried a torch for me for so long, I thought he'd be overjoyed when I finally returned his affection. Honey, he ran away just as hard as he could go! I think you could call that a "fear of success". Once you win the prize, there's the problem of knowing what to do with it!! (Probably the same delimma 2b's latest love interest had.) I felt a lot better about myself when I stopped trying to defend his character (in my mind) and started acknowledging how much the fear he'd revealed to me actually ruled his life rather than forcing myself to dismiss it all as "he's just not that into me." That phrase just seemed to trivialize everything I had experienced with him. So, I think the message of the book is good; the title is bad.

And that's been Turnabout's book review on AAC. Tune in next week as she dissects "Little Bunny Foo-Foo"… troubled teenage rabbit? or serial killer?

7:52 pm
October 6, 2005


gingerleigh

New Member

posts -1

I agree with you, Turnabout. The title of the book is misleading over what the actual message of the book is. Maybe a better modification would be "He's just too into his own crap". *laugh*

10:00 pm
October 6, 2005


turnabout

New Member

posts -1

LOL Good one, gingerleigh

7:34 am
October 7, 2005


Guest

posts

How about if we all pool our thoughts and write the companion book called "He is totally into me, he just doesn't realize it yet"…

How co-dependent is THAT title!!!

Turnabout, I laughed out loud about your Bunny Foo Foo line!!! You are so funny!

How are you today 2b?

TC

9:40 am
October 7, 2005


hoping_2_feel_again

New Member

posts -1

Hi Guys, it's been a while….

(((2b))) What can I say that hasn't already been so elequently said by so many others? YOU are ok. You went through such a tramatic experience, and it will take time to get over it. I didn't date for over 2 years after my breakup. I was lonely and felt so alone, watching everyone else around me in "happy" relationships, and constantly felt "why me?" You are by no means, old! You have plenty of time and I know you don't want to make a mistake.

I met a few guys on the internet dating sites, one of which I REALLY liked, but I realized I need to be totally ok with me and not rush into anything.

There are probably a few good guys on the internet, but in my opinion, not many.

From your posts, you seem to be so outgoing. You also said you workout a lot. You are going to meet guys without having to make it happen. The right one is out there and you will know it and I truly believe that it won't take effort on your part to find him, his path will cross yours. Then, take your time to get to know him as a friend, try not to let "hormones" influence you. Believe me, I know it's difficult.

Remember this, you are unique, worthy, smart, funny, desirable and have your act together!

Love ya,
H2FA

9:59 am
October 7, 2005


2bstrong

New Member

posts -1

Hi everyone–

Still no phone call or e-mail–but I feel ok today. I actually thought about sending an "innocent" e-mail this morning just saying hi. I'm not going to do it. He knows where I am, so he can call me if he wants me.

That being said, I think hoping is right on, and this is a recurring theme in this thread too: good things will happen if I just allow it and be patient. You can't force something that is not meant to be. I should have learned that lesson from the relationship that I am recovering from right now!

How is everyone today? –2b


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