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Husband with anger control problem

UserPost

3:29 pm
January 21, 2001


Cheryl

New Member

posts -1

How do I deal with a husband who exhibits anger control problems? I find myself saying nothing, taking his angry words and embarassing outbursts, because I so terribly hate being yelled at. He doesn't hit me or
our child, but his outbursts are so anxiety provoking that I'm at my wit's end. I'm finding myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depression.

Please help.

4:46 pm
January 21, 2001


Brenda

New Member

posts -1

saying nothing and doing nothing is teaching him to continue to treat you like shit and you and your child will suffer, and suffer, and suffer……………………………………………………………………please dont.

8:00 pm
January 21, 2001


Alena

New Member

posts -1

Cheryl, when he is not angry, can you approach him about his behavior?

Is he a young man? Many middle aged, or older men get depressed with the changes they see in themselves and their lives. Sometimes they can only vent it on other people, rather than try to understand it and change.

I'm not condoning it, believe me. I only know that if he is worth salvaging, he will think about your words (spoken at a CALM time) and try to change, even if reluctantly.

My husband who never went to a doctor since his Air Force discharge physical 25 years ago, was forced to see one and ask for help, anti-depressants, if he wanted to stay married to me after 20 years of marriage. I wasn't about to put up with that stress, embarassment, fear, when I knew it was something that could be helped. It was only a matter of who was going to change, him or me. And I was not.

It's getting better, not great, but better. He now admits he has a problem, wants to get help, and is trying.

Try the calm approach first, that's my advice.

2:11 am
January 22, 2001


Brenda

New Member

posts -1

see how angry he gets when u go out with the girls to see some chippendales and gp home with a cute long haired artist type who writes u poetry and plays guitar.

10:48 am
January 22, 2001


Cheryl

New Member

posts -1

Brenda and Alena,

Thank you. Brenda – you're right – not saying anything just reinforces his behavior. Alena – my husband is probably about the age of yours – I will try and talk with him when he's calm. I was doing some internet searching on anger control and see that anti-depressants are frequently used as a treatment. I can also see how related anger and depression are. I think this is what I'm going through–hidden anger is causing my depression. I've got to deal with this or I'm afraid I'll fall apart. I can't! My children need me so…

Cheryl

10:49 am
January 22, 2001


msg

New Member

posts -1

It relates to me. I am prone to yelling at people. At calmer moments I feel bad I did it. With my wife, I manage to make up soon. It cannot always be so with others. I am nearly fifty years old. I have been like this since a very young age. My ideal is a balanced person. It has only been a fantasy. Your husband needs your help. Help him get over the problem. I wish you all the best.

1:41 pm
January 22, 2001


steveareno6

New Member

posts -1

Cherly,
i used to get angry a lot at home too.
most of the time it was because of financial stress and a lack of commuications with my wife. i was very proud. i have done some changing over the years, but the damage i did early is hard to makeup. i finally had a wake-up call and saw what i was doing to my relationships with the very people i loved the most. one day i saw another dad yelling at his kids and wife and saw just how cruel it was. i suddenly saw myself in that scene. it was not an easy trip out of this habit, but i kept reminding myself that the end results would be well worth the effort it would take to not yell or get angry. i suddenly saw just how scared my kids were of me…i did not want their memories of dad being that of an angry man. i would suggest making little post-it notes around the house with positive statements and notes. such as a reminder that little eyes are watching how we live. or that we need to love the each other without anger. just simple short statements keep a constant reminder that we are responsible for our actions and dont hurt the ones you love most. its awful, but we often treat strangers better than we treat our loved ones.
good luck girl…you can make a difference by how you respond to his needs and not react to his anger. there is usually a deeper reason for the anger than what we think…consider this Cheryl
you will make it!

8:12 pm
January 22, 2001


Brenda

New Member

posts -1

repressed anger kills your soul, you wouldnt be angry if you set your boundaries and talked about your emotions with a safe person.
i have been where you are, i changed and got myself together. i dont repress anything anymore and i see that my needs are met as well as everyone elses adn this includes teaching your man that you are loveable and hurt when he treats you as a punching bag. Dont let him do this any more, take back your life and your soul for you and yoru child

8:18 pm
January 22, 2001


Molly

New Member

posts -1

Verbal abuse turns to physical abuse real fast, and both are emotional abuse. Take a stand that you will not tolorate this any more. Sure medication could help, but most likely this is a learned reinforced behavior, that may take some real work for him to change. There are rage- aholics, some like the drama so they can make up, the cycle of domestic abuse, were his parents like this? It could be his style, it could be some deep rooted anger or control, it doesn't matter … it is not acceptable. Try Dr. Irenes page, the book on Verbal Abuse is good to I think by Deborah Tanin, it makes you crazy and will really effect you emotionally and physically. AS WELL AS YOUR CHILDREN, get to work and take care of you and yours.

4:16 pm
January 26, 2001


jordans

New Member

posts -1

Cheryl-
I totally understand what you are experiencing. My husband has definate problems with anger control. He breaks into rages of anger and says things that really hurt me. I usually try to say something to defend myself, but this just makes him even more angry. So, I ofter times find myself doing what you do–saying and doing nothing. I realize that this just encourages the behavior, but if I say something about it to him, he just gets more angry. He is a fun person to be around most of the time, but the outbreaks are eating at me. I need to do something to correct the problem. Any suggestions??

4:23 pm
January 26, 2001


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

read my thread " take responsibility" god bless

4:31 pm
January 26, 2001


pg lova

New Member

posts -1

Cheryl,

What I think is best, is for you to get out of that relationship. I know it is going to be very hard, but if he yells and carrys on, then the next step will more than likely be him hitting you. I should know, I had a relationship that went sour. My mate was always yelling and I didn't know what to do. I tried everything to get my mate to stop, but nothing worked. Eventually, my mate ended up hitting me in my eye. I ended up slamming my mate up against the wall for that and a big physical fight erupted. I would say give him an ultimatum either he gets professional help, or you're gone.

God Bless U,
PG Lova

PS

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to e-mail me at zion_1981@yahoo.com.

4:52 pm
January 26, 2001


janes

New Member

posts -1

Lots of good advice up there…really can't add.

The choices are all yours. He'll change if he wants-you can't make him. If he chooses not to go to a counselor or denies there is a problem..then you KNOW there is a big problem.

Good luck and let us know how you are

3:19 pm
February 2, 2001


chickie

New Member

posts -1

to steveareno6

How do you work on your anger management? Post it notes seem like a weak way of dealing with rage addiction. I don't want to sound like a pessimist, but I often feel that I am addicted to anger. I don't think that there are enough places for post it notes to change my habit.

5:41 am
June 6, 2011


Lanigirl

Member

posts 161

Cheryl,

It's worrying that you are sinking into a deep depression.  Is it possible for you to seek some help with dealing with this situation?  I can understand posters reactions to say you should exit the situation especially with children involved. 

My husband has a temper.  I'm learning that he doesn't know how to communicate his frustration.  Since I came from an abusive home, I took his anger as something I had done and I became depressed.  Sometimes, I'm able to reframe things, ask more questions or say I'll be back in a minute.  I know I can't change him but I'm attempting to take care of myself.  I went to a lot of therapy, came here and posted and AA meetings and I'm still struggling with issues but it has helped me.

7:17 am
June 11, 2011


telpa

New Member

posts 1

Cheryl said:

How do I deal with a husband who exhibits anger control problems? I find myself saying nothing, taking his angry words and embarassing outbursts, because I so terribly hate being yelled at. He doesn't hit me or

our child, but his outbursts are so anxiety provoking that I'm at my wit's end. I'm finding myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depression.

Please help.


Cheryl do you still read after 10 years?  If so you have our support.

9:03 am
June 11, 2011


Quote Unquote

Member

posts 199

telpa said:

Cheryl said:

How do I deal with a husband who exhibits anger control problems? I find myself saying nothing, taking his angry words and embarassing outbursts, because I so terribly hate being yelled at. He doesn't hit me or

our child, but his outbursts are so anxiety provoking that I'm at my wit's end. I'm finding myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depression.

Please help.


Cheryl do you still read after 10 years?  If so you have our support.
 


Well, she may very well be.

7:48 am
February 22, 2012


onedaythiswillpass

Member

posts 977

It's just my opinion, but I have had this happen to me with my children being angry and trying to make me feel bad for their anger.  It's a very uncomfortable feeling.  It is in my opinion a form of abuse.  I have done it to them sometimes too and they call me on it by telling me to direct my anger at the person that I am really angry with.  Safe to say it does not help anyone to stay angry for more than a moment anyways.  Anger is a very dangerous thing.  It can ruin a day, a week, a month, a year and repressed anger can ruin lives.  My outlet is exercise most of the time, but once in a while, I scream into a pillow.  I find that underneath the anger is usually some fear unresolved.  Then the anger turns to tears and it goes away.  Still if your husband is doing this to you, I feel it is somewhat abusive.  He knows how you will react, it seems he enjoys offsetting your balance.  When he is not in that angry mood, I would let him know that you will not put up with his outbursts because they affect you and hurt your person and give him some real consequences for his actions and follow through.  Sounds childish and kind of like parenting, but you need to take care of your emotional well being first.

One Day

12:42 pm
March 14, 2012


lynnski

New Member

posts 1

jordans said:

Cheryl-
I totally understand what you are experiencing. My husband has definate problems with anger control. He breaks into rages of anger and says things that really hurt me. I usually try to say something to defend myself, but this just makes him even more angry. So, I ofter times find myself doing what you do–saying and doing nothing. I realize that this just encourages the behavior, but if I say something about it to him, he just gets more angry. He is a fun person to be around most of the time, but the outbreaks are eating at me. I need to do something to correct the problem. Any suggestions??


This describes my husband perfectly…the fun person to be around most of the time "BUT…"  It is especially damaging when it is directed towards my family members although he has done it to his family too.  The hardest part has to be having a 6 yr old daughter together.  I really want a stable family life for her but question if I'm able to keep this up.  We went to marriage counseling but of course he did not like what the counselor had to say and hasn't been back.  He also tried anti-depressents but blames them for mood changes, not feeling good, etc.  He says he does not need medication, that everyone else is over reacting.  He was not officially diagnosed with anger control disorder but everything I read describes him to a "T"!   I don't know what to do anymore….

12:43 pm
March 14, 2012


lynnski

New Member

posts 1

This describes my husband perfectly…the fun person to be around most of the time "BUT…"  It is especially damaging when it is directed towards my family members although he has done it to his family too.  The hardest part has to be having a 6 yr old daughter together.  I really want a stable family life for her but question if I'm able to keep this up.  We went to marriage counseling but of course he did not like what the counselor had to say and hasn't been back.  He also tried anti-depressents but blames them for mood changes, not feeling good, etc.  He says he does not need medication, that everyone else is over reacting.  He was not officially diagnosed with anger control disorder but everything I read describes him to a "T"!   I don't know what to do anymore….
 

Read the Full Page: Husband with anger control problem | Questions, Advice & Help
AllAboutCounseling.com

4:35 am
March 15, 2012


onedaythiswillpass

Member

posts 977

There is a condition called "Intermittent Rage Disorder"  I have a friend who was like how you girls describe.  He was very kind, funny and sweet most of the time and then suddenly he would get angry and rage without real reason.  He was diagnosed and put on a medicine called Depokote (sp.)  He is a very different person now.  As long as he takes the medicine, he does not have these troubles anymore and the people around him do not suffer.  I am not suggesting that this is what your husbands have or need, but you might want to look into it with a doctor if your husbands can lower their pride and recognize that they may have the disorder.  Sometimes the solution for our problems is not thrashing it out with a therapist, sometimes it is a medical/chemical issue that  can easily be solved with the right medicine.  Sometimes after being given the appropriate medicine, the person is more willing and has the capacity (emotionally) to really address othrer problems in therapy.  Good luck to both of you.  It sounds like you have pretty good hubands and pretty good marriages.  Unless you are being physically hurt by them, just try your best to not engage them when they start getting angry.  If they are at all violent in any way, either call the police or pick up and leave right away.  Violence is never acceptable.

One Day

1:35 pm
June 9, 2012


Junonia

Member

posts 8

onedaythiswillpass said:

Blanket:  could I ask you why are you replying to posts from over five or ten years from our current time?

 

One Day

 

P.S. I really think that your posting name is a good one for you.


Yes ask away but I won't answer unless you and Shining Light answer the same question. You both respond to old posts. Why?

Read the Full Page: HELP FOR DEPRESSION, CANT GET MOTIVATED! | Questions, Advice & Help 
AllAboutCounseling.com

4:38 am
July 12, 2012


Curtis Baker

Canada

Member

posts 62

I like the review of this post as many people have posted their opinions about this context.


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