September 29, 2010
I think it is like an addiction almost. Think about sitting at a slot machine. Even though a person's chances of winning are extremely low, people line up for these things. The glitter, the bells, the whistles, the promise of the windfall, Vegas, parties, beautiful people, the lure. But the reality is is that you are going to dump all your time and energy and money into a one armed bandit in a smokey casino, where people only want you for your money. For what?
But what if we really wanted that slot machine to change. We were convinced if we kept playing we would eventually wil and the machine would give a steay source of support, entertainment and finacial gain. The beautiful servers to really love us- be our friends. We would develop meaningful relationships with the regulars, the other gamblers.
Yes they call it gambling addiction for a reason. I think dealing with a narcissist is a BIG gamble. And often their narcissism is co-morbid with other things. It could be depression, bi-polar, post traumatic stress, obessive compulsive disorder. Narcissists do not change and they usually never get cured. Not even if you pray enough, work enough, martyr enough, praise enough...in fact they get worse. And you will burn out. And yes, she would bail. Many woman I know married to narcissists were left when they gained weight in mid life, got a few wrinkles.
I bailed becasue he pretty destroyed me and I was going to die if I stayed one more minute. I don't think he really cared (only about himself that his needs were being met and now he was inconvenienced). But he quickly just hooked up with other people. He just about fell over backwards when his new honeys wouldn't not do one iota near what I would do... they laughed! They would lose their temper with him.
It has really made me revalue what love is. Serving someone that is basically abusive and treating him like a king in hopes that I might hit the jackpot and he treat me like a queen was futile. I may as well been standing at a slot machine for 18 years! I view love so differently. I view intimacy so differently. Not that what I was doing before was wrong, it is just different. I may have started as a door mat, (and I must say, I was a great door mat, I would rivel any 50's house wife, or Stepford wife for that matter) but now I want to love like a human being. And this started small, with loving myself, and loving my children, my parents, sisters, neighbours, colleagues. This may seem crazy, but try it. Try treating yourself with love and respect. Try loving your family, loving them unconditionally....this was hard for me becasue I always hated my mother and two of my sisters....I have worked on that so much...Now I can't say I have patched things up with everyone (remember I am not a saint), but I have many relationships with so many loving wondeful people, that I have really forgotten about my ex. And developing and nurturing these takes tons of time, but I had lots of time
as before all my time was dealing with him.
Hang in there and keep writing. It does get better, and it will.
September 24, 2010
Oh my God, Longstreet! You are me made all over! I have been in an on again off again relationship for a little over 2 years with someone just like your ex! I know what you mean about not being able to reach them, and then it is your fault for checking up on them and being upset in the first place! I feel for you. I wish I had some great advice like the others, but I am still struggling myself. It is so hard to get past it when you've thought all along that this person was made for you and you were meant to be together. That is what my ex keeps telling me (when he is trying to suck up and smooth things over with me again). But, it never lasts long at all, and the good times seem shorter and fewer. I have finally come to the realization that my ex will never change. He's 42 and still wants to live like he's 20. I can't do that. I have 3 kids, I don't need another one. Anyways, enough about me. Just hang in there. Focus on what YOU want out of a relationship. Because all along, it's ultimately been about the other person. They tend to warp our thoughts and feelings into what they want them to be through manipulation or just really believable lies. Anyways, I have to go to work now. Hang in there!
September 24, 2010
Wow Basket, I can so relate. My ex was 44 but acted like she was 24. It was always some bar event or social event after another. I realized today that it's not just about them being active (I think she had ADD, her brother has it and she literally could not sit still), it's like a vampire needing to go suck the life out of someone, with her obsession about going out all the time. It was really about her continually needing a new victim (read that audience), for her bragging, strutting. It wasn't even about socializing now I realize but it was her drug! Her addiction is that continual adoration and when she had me safe at home (read that I become worthless and boring), she needed a new source of adoration to feed on. Anyone here agree that they've seen this? Our closeness was dwindling fast as she became more disenchanted with what I had to offer, because it wasn't unobtainable any more. It made so much sense to me today. When she would focus on me, she'd promise me the world and LITERALLY the next day would distance herself, be cold, unemotional and I had to tiptoe around her mood. We had intimacy when she wanted it, hung out with her friends and were planning a summer around her interests (boating/motorcycles). I realize I was hooked into the relationship because her attention was intermittent and that frequency keeps you (me the codependent), constantly trying to win that prize being her attention. I realize on a logical level that GOOD relationships are about both partners taking good care of each other not just when they're in the mood, but at all times, regardless of one having a bad day etc... I remember in January, it was 2 weeks after my mother died. I was in Wal-Mart and saw a woman who resembled my mom. I cried right there in the shampoo aisle. I called my ex (who was on vacation and in a casino), who told me "she couldn't talk because she was in the casino" and recommended I go up to this woman (a complete stranger) and talk to her. I did do that and got solace from a total stranger. Later my ex told me she wasn't gambling but watching other gamblers. She couldn't even step away from watching people gamble to talk to me crying my eyes out in Wal-Mart! Can you think of anything more selfish? If you asked her, everything was my fault, my fault for being needy, not about her not providing support when I needed it. I just pray to God for strength to get past this and hope He will give me someone who can love me and is good to me. Thanks to everyone for reading this. It helps me process so much.
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