I think it is like an addiction almost. Think about sitting at a slot machine. Even though a person's chances of winning are extremely low, people line up for these things. The glitter, the bells, the whistles, the promise of the windfall, Vegas, parties, beautiful people, the lure. But the reality is is that you are going to dump all your time and energy and money into a one armed bandit in a smokey casino, where people only want you for your money. For what?
But what if we really wanted that slot machine to change. We were convinced if we kept playing we would eventually wil and the machine would give a steay source of support, entertainment and finacial gain. The beautiful servers to really love us- be our friends. We would develop meaningful relationships with the regulars, the other gamblers.
Yes they call it gambling addiction for a reason. I think dealing with a narcissist is a BIG gamble. And often their narcissism is co-morbid with other things. It could be depression, bi-polar, post traumatic stress, obessive compulsive disorder. Narcissists do not change and they usually never get cured. Not even if you pray enough, work enough, martyr enough, praise enough…in fact they get worse. And you will burn out. And yes, she would bail. Many woman I know married to narcissists were left when they gained weight in mid life, got a few wrinkles.
I bailed becasue he pretty destroyed me and I was going to die if I stayed one more minute. I don't think he really cared (only about himself that his needs were being met and now he was inconvenienced). But he quickly just hooked up with other people. He just about fell over backwards when his new honeys wouldn't not do one iota near what I would do… they laughed! They would lose their temper with him.
It has really made me revalue what love is. Serving someone that is basically abusive and treating him like a king in hopes that I might hit the jackpot and he treat me like a queen was futile. I may as well been standing at a slot machine for 18 years! I view love so differently. I view intimacy so differently. Not that what I was doing before was wrong, it is just different. I may have started as a door mat, (and I must say, I was a great door mat, I would rivel any 50's house wife, or Stepford wife for that matter) but now I want to love like a human being. And this started small, with loving myself, and loving my children, my parents, sisters, neighbours, colleagues. This may seem crazy, but try it. Try treating yourself with love and respect. Try loving your family, loving them unconditionally….this was hard for me becasue I always hated my mother and two of my sisters….I have worked on that so much…Now I can't say I have patched things up with everyone (remember I am not a saint), but I have many relationships with so many loving wondeful people, that I have really forgotten about my ex. And developing and nurturing these takes tons of time, but I had lots of time
as before all my time was dealing with him.
Hang in there and keep writing. It does get better, and it will.