September 24, 2010
Just broke up with my NPD girlfriend. I am shattered at what transpired. I found out she went out on dates with 2 other people during our relationship and then when I forgave her, asked me to move in. Within 24 hours of giving 30 days notice on my apartment, she started withdrawing and being very cold to me. When I finally confronted her she said she had "doubts". I was hysterical that she voiced her doubts AFTER seeing 2 other people and bullshitting her way back into my heart AND getting me to move in and give up my apartment. I told her it was over and have been able to get my apartment back fortunately. I got an email from her telling me to quit playing victim, that I cheated on her (not true even in the slightest - it scares me she could even concoct such a lie!). I am shaking and devastated that someone I loved treated me so badly and has such a complete and warped sense of how the events of the relationship played out. She cheated on me and asked me to move and and treated me like crap. How is any of that my fault? Is this how NPD people think? It's like she took all the details and twisted them around so that I did everything and she did nothing. It's so scary it freaks me out. My first encounter with someone like this. Advice on getting over the disbelief and heartbreak and loss of trust???
September 27, 2010
hi. well, i think that she has some narcissist image, but mostly, it seems like she is a person that has no maturity at all! why do you want to be with someone like that? seems you are so noble and gentle, so why do you need this kind of girl in your life? get out of this situation and never come back, my friend, someone like this will only give you worst times...i find that when people cheat, and they are so easily forgiven, they will make it again. besides, how will you be after that, always insecure, of where she is and with whom? you have much more in you, treat yourself right, you deserve much better.
September 27, 2010
No one can tell you if your ex-GF is truly NPD except a professional; however, you have listed some very classic traits.
Usually, the time period of a NPD keeping up the "good" appearance is about three months, it seems. The fact that you were about to move in with her (thus, getting extremely close emotionally) is when an NPD will begin to devalue and then discard someone. Any type of intimacy scares them to death. As for the allegation of you cheating, this is classic. It's called projection. An NPD will begin to project their bad traits and ugliness onto their nearest and dearest (and I used the term "dearest" very loosely). This keeps them from looking at themselves. They loathe themselves, so they accuse others of their very own behavior.
There is no healthy discussion, of any kind, with an NPD. They will take your words and twist them every different way they can until YOU feel guilty. The verbal and emotional abuse can be very subtle or overt. It usually begins with subtlty, in such a way as they will say something, and you think, "Did he/she really just say that to me?" It will often be disguised as "humor" or "joking," but it will cut you to your soul like a knife. They find out what your weaknesses and fears are and will use those very things to erode your self-esteem and boundaries. Soon you will find yourself in what is known in the NPD survivor lingo as an "N fog." You actually don't know what is up or down any longer, true or false. Logic falls by the wayside, and you begin to doubt yourself in ways you may never have before. At this point, pardon the language, but you've been mind f**ked and gaslighted (a term used with NPDs, taken from an old movie from the 1940s, where a man was making his wife thinking she was going crazy by subtle mental techniques).
I'm so sorry you got mixed up with someone who possibly has this disorder. If she is a true, classic NPD, then I must tell you there is no hope of a healthy relationship.
With a true NPD, these are the facts:
1. The "good" person you fell in love with was never real. It was a facade designed to reel you in. You think you've found your soulmate, because they take on YOUR good qualities and mirror them back to you. Why wouldn't someone fall in love with that? It would only be natural. However, the facade begins to drop as soon as the relationship begins to get too close for them. As I said, intimacy frightens the hell out of them, and they must withdraw. When their internal ugliness begins to show, they then see that mirrored in you and your natural reactions, and that is something they cannot abide to look at... their own internal ugliness.
2. When that happens, the devalue and discard begins (what we call D&D in survivor world). They will begin to look elsewhere for narcissistic supply, or NS. They crave being adored and are always on the look-out for new supply. They will keep you for secondary supply, however, in the "lean" times, before they've secured new supply. Push you away, pull you back in, etc.
3. Because of that, and this is the most difficult, there is almost never any kind of closure with an NPD relationship (again, another term I use loosely, because truly, you are really nothing more than an object to them. Remember, what you thought was real, wasn't). A mature discussion is something that is beyond a true NPD.
4. Lastly, because of lack of proper closure, recovery from an experience with an NPD is easily one of the most difficult from which to recover. It takes time. Time for one to find their way out of the N fog and look back to see how things truly were. Time is needed to forgive yourself because of the abuse that you ended up taking, as you look back on it. Mostly, it takes time to accept that what you thought you had was never real. You were in love with a facade, not a real person. That is the most painful realization of all, that you were nothing more than a piece of narcissistic supply.
Take heart, my friend. There IS recovery from this experience, and because of it, you will be so much more aware of red flags that should be heeded when you begin to see other people. And, I advise that you take time to properly heal before you do, or you might end up in yet another relationship of the same type. True NPDs can smell vulnerability a mile away and can hone in on it like a shark to blood. As well, I would advise that after you find out all the information you can on NPD, then begin looking into yourself to see why you may have stayed as long as you did with someone who could treat you so badly. A truly emotionally healthy person will never stay around long with an NPD personality. They have too much respect for themselves. Now, having said that, the older they get, NPDs became very good at the game and can fool even therapists. That is why it is of the utmost importance to take time in any relationship before you emotionally and physically invest yourself.
There is an excellent web site just for survivors of NPDs at "msn narcissistic personality disorder." Just Google that, and you will find it. Read all that you can on this disorder. You will find that the majority of NPDs are men; however, there are many NPD women as well, probably more than we know, as a lot of men are more reluctant to share their experiences. Just know that you are not alone in what you have experienced.
Be warned that as you gain knowledge about it, it will hurt, badly. However, it will also aid in your recovery.
From a survivor who is almost out of the sick maze, just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel of recovery. The good thing? We can heal and move on. The N will never get better. There is pretty much a zero recovery rate for true NPD. They will live in their hell for the rest of their lives, and how sad is that?
September 27, 2010
Longstreet...I know how angry you are right now...keep posting here...let your anger out here...don't turn it in on yourself, and don't show her it..although you might be tempted. She's played one game...now you have to start playing another unfortunately...the game of "no - contact".
September 24, 2010
Oh my God Whid and Rev, you hit it on the HEAD! I am heading out and will post more later, but I am so, so blessed to have posted on this site and found you. I feel like I am going absolutely crazy because this woman presented relatively normally (lots of money, educated etc). I will post more about my experience and reread your posts. Thank you so much for writing. It helps when you don't feel like you're alone and aren't crazy!
September 24, 2010
Whid, I just reread your post and every thing you said was like a mirror into my relationship with this woman. Every day was a mystery in terms of what she would be like in our relationship. When the mood struck her she was making big promises of buying a house together, asking me to move in, taking care of me financially etc... Literally the next day she would be moody, abrupt, distant and then I found out she went out with 2 separate people while I was away on business trips. She did tell me about them but said she only did it to make her "sure I was the one". That's when she asked me to move in. Literally 24 hours after I agreed she started distancing again and when I pressed her about her complete lack of interest in me, she said she was having "doubts". I had just given my apartment up the day before! I stormed out and told her how could she possibly do this to me, make me suffer and forgive her for her infidelity because it served a higher purpose and then ask me to move in and treat me like dirt? She sent me the nastiest email saying I was playing victim and that I cheated on her (NOT TRUE!!!!!) and to get over myself. I am shocked, absolutely shocked that someone I thought and loved on Tuesday is now someone I fear and despise on Friday. I feel like my world is crumbling down around me. Please tell me I'm not going crazy but that there is some serious dysfunction going on here that I am an unwilling participant in. Thanks so much!
September 29, 2010
"They crave being adored and are always on the look-out for new supply. They will keep you for secondary supply, however, in the "lean" times, before they've secured new supply."
A very good post Whidbey.
It took me awhile. When I left, I got a restraining order. It saved me from going back. Three years later, he is as nice as pie, out there trying to reel me in again. He is like my wine to an alcoholic, heroin to an addict.
Make a clean break, and let the healing begin. You are on your way.
You may want to print out what you wrote here, and then bring it out every time she calls you back. It might be hard not to go back.
Also, there will be a gaping hole in your heart. You might ask yourself, How will I fill it? We all have the strategies that worked for us, from counselling, reading, exercise, hobbies, rekindling friendships and family (and cyber family;), volunteering...
All the best
September 24, 2010
Thanks you Cin, Whid and everyone who has posted here for me. It is sooo true about these people needing attention. Looking back now it truly IS like a drug to them. We went out 2 weeks ago to a club (on a Thursday night - like I needed to stay out late on a worknight), and I was being affectionate and she sort of pushed me off with "We can do that at home, let's go meet people". I was shocked! It was like Cinderella only had a few hours till the ball was over to brag and strut infront of her friends and I was keeping her from it! Nothing was ever good enough in terms of attention. We went to dinner w/her friends and her comment was "it was nice but it didn't peg my fun meter". It's almost like some sort of high for her and she needed to keep feeding that addiction. Like her dating 2 other people when I was away on business trips. She said it was only so she could be sure I was the "one". I mean have you EVER heard someone package up their own selfish behavior and dishonesty in more self-serving way and expect you to swallow it? I told her to tell me well before this if she felt we were moving too fast and should date other people and she swore she didn't need to. She went behind my back because she said I couldn't handle the truth if she had said yes. It's amazing how she could twist every single thing into someway where she was in the right and somehow I was the wrong-doer. Is this typical of this personality type? I've never, ever seen anything like this in my life. Will she be back?
September 27, 2010
No, Longstreet, you are not going crazy; however, life with an NPD is very crazymaking. You will find yourself trying over and over to explain your feelings to an N yet find the conversation going absolutely nowhere. Your words will be twisted beyond all reason, time and time again, and you will walk away from it more confused than ever. You truly begin to doubt your own sanity. This is where the term "gaslighting" comes into play. I will tell you right now, there is no getting through to an N. I would advise you to run far and run fast from this relationship or any relationship remotely like it.
The more you read about NPD, the more you will understand exactly what happened to you. As I said, it's extremely painful as you realize there is never any hope of a relationship with this kind of person. It means you have to mentally, emotionally, and PHYSICALLY detach from this person. If you don't the healing will only take longer. That means NO CONTACT of any kind. Screen calls, block e-mails, and even change your phone number, if you have to. They will keep you in their craziness as long as they can. And, they can resurface as long as years from the original break-up. I fully expect to hear from my ex-N at some point in the future. However, by then, I will be fully detached (not quite there yet, but almost...) and be able to remain indifferent to any conversation (which will be extremely short, if it is permitted by me at all).
The healing is slow, and easily one of the most painful I have ever experienced. I've had break-ups in the past with "normal" people, and while sad they didn't work out, I have never had the kind of pain I experienced such as I did with this one. Hell, my divorce didn't hurt this much, and it hurt a lot. An experience with an N is to be used and abused in such ways as you've never known before.
The good news is this. There is healing for us. It takes a lot more time than a normal break-up, but it does happen. Cinamac is right. The only way to bring that healing about is first, go through the pain and grief. Don't try to suppress it, or it will come back and bite you in the hiney when you least expect it, AND it leaves you wide open to the N reentering your life. Though it seems like the pain will never go a way, day by day, it gets better as you start to refill your life with healthy people who truly love and care about you, good friends, family, etc. The exercise and activity factor is crucial in the process. After such an experience, it is natural to want to go somewhere and curl into the fetal position and stay there, the pain can be that great. And, for a very short time, it's not such a bad thing, as you are getting in touch with your feelings of grief, and that's okay. You will feel profound sadness, anger at both the N and yourself, wistfulness at what you THOUGHT the relationship was. Another good thing to do is journal. Write out all your feelings about the entire experience. Write out the "story" from start to finish and express all the feelings you were experiencing as the events occurred. This will aid in being able to recognize red flags in the future, when you begin seeing people again. When you've run through that entire scenario, this is the time you need to begin to MAKE yourself get out and do things and be around good people. It will feel very strange at first, because frankly, you are facing an entire different world in a sense. You are fighting your way out of the N fog. The "normal" world will seem foreign in the beginning, but eventually things will feel "right" again. It is truly a different reality, and a healthy one. Finally, you will find apathy, which is the best place to be. You won't care what the N is doing or with whom he or she is doing it. It will all be like a bad dream you had at some point in your life.
My experience with ex-N lasted just over a year. I remember right after my break-up with ex-N, just going through the motions of life. I would go out with friends or family and feel as if I was on another planet, just observing conversations and people, wondering who I was and what I was doing there, almost like watching things in the third person. I realized I had put my entire life on hold and my entire being had revolved completely around the N. That is what happens in a relationship with them, and what they demand. Nothing and no one else in your life is as important as they are, in their eyes.
However, this passes the more you stay involved in real life and people.
The best news is this. Once you've educated yourself about this disorder, you can never go back with the N. You will begin to see them in an entirely different light. You will see all the red flags you either ignored, or, in my case, just didn't see in the beginning. My ex-N is 61 years old and at this stage in his life is damn good at what he does in reeling in new supply. You will always be on guard for these kinds of people for the rest of your life, and that's a good thing. At first, you will be hypervigilant about it, almost to a fault, and will see NPD everywhere. Then you will begin to be able to "fine tune" that sense a bit and recognize that while a lot of people may have N traits, not all are true NPDs. Everyone has some N traits to an extent, and that's okay. Some N traits are what help us survive. Just make sure to educate yourself and be able to differentiate the good traits versus the bad.
Geez, there is much on this subject, I'm only hitting the tip of the iceberg. All I can say is to keep educating yourself on this.
Stay safe AND sane! There is light at the end of the N tunnel.
September 30, 2010
You have recived great advice from whidbey. You have of course to live with your emotions for some time yet - and I would not try and say that it is going to be easy for you. I took almost three years to kick the habit of seeing myself to blame. Your romance was not real - very good for starters!
September 24, 2010
I am rereading through all of the postings here and amazed and grateful for everyone's time and support. I feel so badly today realizing what I thought was a good relationship, when I dissect it, was in reality, a facade. All the red flags (the push/pull, passive-aggressive put-downs, constant need for entertainment and adoration, infidelity), were things I was willing to overlook to keep my N with me. I should have had stronger boundaries and when I found out she dated other people when I was away on business, put my foot down and said simply, "this is enough". So today I'm angry at myself because I didn't set rules and follow them. So all I can do is feel the pain of losing this relationship (or what I thought was a relationship), and look at what I can do in the future to choose better partners. I am so sad that I loved her and now things are terrible between us after our last conversations. Given our location, it's likely our paths will cross again socially and I am dreading it. I am praying for strength today and the ability to let go. I hope someday I will find someone healthier who will treat me better consistently and not just pick and choose when she felt like being a partner and the rest of the time, I was just her plaything to enjoy and toss away or disregard when she didn't feel like having me around. So today, I am sad and lonely. Thanks again for everyone's support.
September 30, 2010
NPD is totally new to me. I don't think I've ever been involved in a love relationship with someone who had it, but I was married to someone who suffered from depression (and wasn't really on top of it, so to speak). People here are opening my eyes to the fact that co-dependents can end up in destructive relationships with folks who suffer from mental illness, as well as addictions. I wonder if there are degrees of narcisissm . . . I'll read what everyone says more closely.
Thanks everyone for your compassion, thoughts, and time. I'm new to this board - only started reading and posting a few days ago - and I have to say, everyone here has helped me a lot.
September 27, 2010
Yes, there are degrees of narcissism, as well as people who do not have the disorder but do have strong traits in some areas. It actually takes a professional to really diagnose someone with NPD, and even then, it can get sketchy, depending on how "good" the NPD is. Many of them are pros at fooling people. Look at Ted Bundy...
I'm so sorry you had to get tangled up with someone with these traits or disorder. It's not a picnic, by any stretch of the imagination. It will take time, my friend, to heal; probably longer than getting out of a "normal" relationship that just didn't work. Try not to beat yourself up too much. Once you've learned about this, your "N radar" will forever be activated. In that, I take comfort, and I hope you do too. Take care of yourself. That is what is most important. You deserve it; you've been in emotional warfare.
September 24, 2010
Just skimming through, I feel my xh is an N. The difficult part is not to accuse him of this and that but to get off out of me all the bad gifts I got from him, like manipulation, backhanded compliments, manoeveurs I couldnt muster the strentgh to get around. So now its about me, cleansing, more than forgiving. Sorry if diverged.
September 24, 2010
I sign under these as a an abandoner (I left)and abandoned (he divorced):
1. The "good" person you fell in love with was never real. It was a facade designed to reel you in. You think you've found your soulmate, because they take on YOUR good qualities and mirror them back to you. Why wouldn't someone fall in love with that? It would only be natural. However, the facade begins to drop as soon as the relationship begins to get too close for them. As I said, intimacy frightens the hell out of them,
IN FACT I FEEL I FELT IN LOVE WITH THE PASSION HE FELT FOR ME.
2. Push you away, pull you back in, etc.
JUST AS YOU ASK SOMETHING AND THEY SAY NOT NOW, HONEY, LATER, OR WORSE.
3. Because of that, and this is the most difficult, there is almost never any kind of closure with an NPD relationship (again, another term I use loosely, because truly, you are really nothing more than an object to them. Remember, what you thought was real, wasn't).
I FELT LIKE A PRINCESS BEING INTRODUCED TO ALL HIS FRIENDS UNTIL I REALIZED THERE WERE ON MY FRIENDS. SPEAK SOME FRENCH, HONEY... ETC...
4.Lastly, because of lack of proper closure, recovery from an experience with an NPD is easily one of the most difficult from which to recover. It takes time. Time for one to find their way out of the N fog and look back to see how things truly were.
ITS ONLY A PAPER MOON
HANGING OVER A CARADVOARD BOX
BUT IT WOULDNT BE MAKE BELIEVE
IF YOU BELIEVED IN ME
I KEPT THINKING WE WOULD SET OUR CASTLE ON SOLID GROUND FROM A MIND SKETCH, YEAH, HIS MIND SKETCH
WE CAN GET OVER
September 27, 2010
i find your description of N. very interesting and helpful. i want to thank you for your time and concern for people that have come to all of this situations. you are a real honey, whidbey. (((((hugs)))))
really important question you make. now like someone else said, you will have to join the no contact club in order to get out of this. but you will definately do it. you will find that inner strenght inside you, and in time, you will meet someone great and kind as you are.
September 24, 2010
Thank you so much everyone for your kind posts and words of encouragement. I am so sad and miss my ex so much. But what am I missing? What did we have? We had a physical relationship and tried to build a full blown relationship around it. She's too narcisstic to really have a relationship. I had a thought today. She wasn't looking for a partner, she was looking for a passenger! Someone to come along on the ride with. Someone to take on all her interests and let her blow in and out of the relationship whenever she wanted to. She went out when I was on a business trip with a "friend" and was out till 1:00am on a worknight. When she finally called me SHE was mad that I was upset I couldn't reach her! All she said was, "I'm not the kind of person who likes to be tracked". So instead of it being about her not being a caring partner and being out till all hours with a "friend" (after confessing to two dates she had when I was on a previous business trip), it was about my nagging and checking up on her. This was always my fault, my issue and never about her not taking good care of her end of the relationship. I need to remember this kind of stuff when I'm tempted to pick up the phone or email her. This is a lot of pain. My mom just passed away New Year's Day and I'm barely over that and now have to deal with this. Everyone's posts have been extremely helpful and kind. I just feel like I was going crazy and it helps to find validation here that what I was experiencing was bizarre and inappropriate. Thank you everyone for giving me the space to mourn here.
September 29, 2010
Well it all takes time.
I am still getting over my 18 year relationship with a narcisist. I think the pain is gone, and I have to say it is, but it is the hidden stuff. This is where couselling is really good.
A friend of mine had a real doozey of a narcissist, he was a doctor who had affairs with her friends, patients, nurses, interns all for his narricisist supply. She was able to move on and has a wonderful man now. She had the perfect home, perfect family, but she is so much happier now.
I am at the point where I am happy just on my own, sadly I feel I can't trust. But I will get there. I have gven myself a time frame, in the meantime, I will get myself to gether, and have a good time doing it. I have a family, two teenagers and they keep me on my toes.
I power washed my deck today.
Went for a walk in the forest.
Had tea with friends.
Made a wonderful family supper with fresh salmon, salad, organic broccoli and tiny little red potatoes.
Did a little housework, vacuumed my car.
Helped my kids with their homework.
My mind and body feel good. I made it another beautiful day. Just peace. Lovely interactions, good food, beautiful scenery.
One day at a time, one corner of the garden at a time, one load of laundry at a time. One walk by the ocean at a time.
I decided three years ago never to get involved with people like that. Imagine, "tracked". There are a lot of people that want to be cared in healthy, caring and meaningful ways. You will find this person, it just probably isn't this person. Start paying the attention you gave to her on yourself. Hang in there. Detach, keep coming back and we'll walk you through.
All the best
September 27, 2010
Thank you for such kind words. Hugs right back attcha! I would almost give up my right arm not to have gone through the experience that I did, but... I did. And, in a lot of ways, it was a good thing. It has set me on a journey to finally, once and for all, learn a lot of things about myself, and that can never be a bad thing. I have, and will continue, to evolve as a much stronger, healthier person because of it. I think this is key when examining our experiences in life. How can we grow and learn from them?
Wow! What a productive day! Yes, that is truly how healing comes to us, after experiences such as these. I love that you MADE it a beautiful day for yourself. I've learned that life can be what I make of it, not hinging on someone else's problems, moods, etc. You are a great inspiration!
September 24, 2010
I need so much help at this point. I keep having these pointless arguments in my head where I point out cruel she was to date people behind my back, how she claims to have a million friends to my one and I reply it's because she skates the surface like a waterbug always looking for the next adoration and attention. It's so exhausting and fruitless, yet I can't seem to let go yet. My phone rang last night and it was her home #. I answered and there was just silence except for the tv. I hung up. I'm sure it was her dog stepping on the phone and hitting a speed dial. But why am I still in speed dial. Then it gets my hopes up that she misses me and I get mad at myself for missing her at all. It's this endless, exhausting and pathetic cycle I'm in right now. It's so not like other more normal breakups. You feel so used, so shattered. My Mom died New Years Day and she's never once asked me how I'm doing. I always had to bring it up and she would gloss over my anguish with a "Well I'm here" one size fits all statement that was minimally helpful. I am so sad that she's gone, yet a part of me is hopeful because now I can find someone with more things in common. We had completely different interests and I was dreading having to take on her interests as a couple (boating/motorcycle riding - not that I dislike them, I just don't LIVE to do them). So I need to get through this pain and hope/pray there is life on the other side. Thank you everyone for posting here and shared your experiences. I am so appreciative of your support.
September 27, 2010
time is so wise, my friend, that you will find someone that can give you all the love you deserve. meanwhile, recover your life, see the real you, the loving person with so much things to do, and to smile for.... don't think of her, or how she thinks she has so many friends. here we have to look for quality, not for amounts or packages, people that are around to have fun and not around to be concerned to tell you that you are making mistakes, are not your real friends. maybe her friends are like her, so it really doesn't matter. you have friends here, and with a positive attitude, you can make new friends, with same interest and really healthy purposes in life.
this can be a turning point for you, long, to fly high and be at your best..... go for it!
September 24, 2010
Thank you so much Caliseth! I miss what I thought was the person I loved and who loved me. But you never know until you end a relationship what people are made of. For her to date other people behind my back because it made her sure I was the "one" and then just a few weeks later, start treating me callously, being distant because she had doubts is not consistent behavior. She's a party girl and constantly needs people around to admire and flatter her. She would overpromote herself so hard that her many obvious qualities were so diminished because she would cram it down your throat how successful she was, how smart she was (she said she was Mensa, but I doubt it's true, she couldn't even spell!), how young she looked for her age (we were the same age and she looked age appropriate, not significantly younger). I was just amazed that she felt the continual need to tell me and others all the time how good she was at everything. When I told her that it would be nice to discover some of these things for myself I think that's when she started to have doubts and pull away. I'm sure her HUGE ego was offended that I didn't sit at her feet and go "Wow! How amazing you are!" every 20 minutes. She provided only topline emotional support to me during my mother's death and never once asked how I'm doing since the day she died. I feel used, cheated, lied to and emotionally abused. How could I let this happen? How could I fall in love with someone like that and why do I miss her so much? I just pray that each day gets a little stronger and a little better because right now I'm so confused and just heartbroken. I know God loves me and that He will open new doors for me when I'm ready. Right now, I'm just sad and devastated.
September 29, 2010
You will get over it. One day, there will come a time, when you won't think of her for a day, then a week will go by, then longer and longer. I have, over time, replaced him with a set of new furniture, a new place, and new way of life, new experiences, new songs on the radio, new faviourite TV programs, new places I like to go. I don't think I visit a friend we had in common, and I had some pretty good friends. The ambilical cord we bonded between us has been completely severed. One vein, one cell at a time. Like a slowly peeled off bandaid and then some...it was brutal. I totally feel your frantic pain.
I was careful not to replace him with someone else. (Although it was pretty tempting, believe me.)
I needed to create me, my place, my space as I was with this guy for 18 years.
I cried out pretty much every tear. I have traveled across the world, across my country Canada and down to Mexico... I learned that there is so much more than him. But this took me pushing myself out that door.
The first week I was basically in my pajamas and could hardly leave the house. I think I watched TV and cried and obsessed about him. After about 20 hours of counselling, the therapist said, But what about you? When are you going to talk about you? And I did go on for about 10 seconds then went smack back dab to him. ARGGG.
You will get over her. Of course you are devestated becasue your heart has been ripped out. You can and you will survive... It will become clearer as you heal, grow, evolve and get this experience far behind you. Time will be a significant factor. So be patienct and kind to yourself....
(I was a little too kind and now I have to lose about 30 pounds!!! That's why all the good food, walks, etc)
So take care...hang in there, kee letting us know how you are doing
September 30, 2010
Longstreet - I have been reading all the post's here - some really good stuff. Yet underneath all this anguish I see of course how much you still love her. It's a sad fact that she is unable to give you the same attention. I am not pleading for you to forgive her and her kind - your love wants to do that I know because I have been down the same street for past three years. I used these threads to write into the small hours which kept me sane - I was as lonely as hell and often descended into it!
I have no intention to load you up with too much of my stuff because it would not be helpful - other than to say I could write pages and match your every mood. I found keeping a day diary was helpful particularly now I am completely over her. I read back the highlights good and bad that I suffered alone I say alone yet I had these wonderful people on these boards to talk to. This day diary of the period now proves helpful to my soul.
I think you may be going over and over the question of "what did I do wrong" I found the truth to this question eventually "I had done nothing wrong!" Our marriage was difficult from the very start ( we had both lost our first partners) The excitement of our first date I still remember - wonderful times we shared together - travelled the world. She was well travelled - I just took tight hold and experienced things for the first time in my life. I saw her bathed in a sort of coloured light. I now know that it was my coloured spectacles. She was a taker from the very beginning and I had great fun giving. She taught me a great deal - but nothing about true love and devotion.
We parted after 15 years - she never looked back. I fell into a black hole - locked myself into a tight ball - bored the arse of everyone I met - looking for the answer to "WHY". I met her again several months after - took her to the best restaurants - billed and cooed - but you see she never felt the same as I did. She had flown the nest we had built together in this country and over in France.
I eventually moved far away having exhausted myself trying to understand her. I think N actually are never in love they give the opinion that they are but as said by others here 'they are just reflecting the others love'.
I am a bigger man for all that- now that I have found another who reflects my love and needs for each other. At first I found this new affection a bit overwhelming because I was used to giving without receiving.
TO be truthful - I only truly come out from the love I still had for my ex a few months ago. It happened like this ---------------------------
My new partner has many girl friends - she invited one to dinner. This women walked in and I was shocked because she was a carbon copy look alike to my ex. We talked and got on wonderfully almost to my embarrassment (after she had left) - in fact my new partner said "you liked her didn't you!". The next day I took stock of my feelings - yes I had met another like my ex
this showed me that the women I thought was irreplaceable was not so unique after all. It was the breakthrough I needed. My stress just melted away and I came out into the light once more.
I hugged my new partner and told her how much I loved her - but sadly could not share the reason for my happiness and the feeling of freedom!
Longstreet - hang in there - it is a stony road I only hope our posting will bring you closer to the truth.
God Bless. AC.
September 24, 2010
thank you to everyone who has posted here. I need a lot of support right now. Coming to this site and posting keeps me from making that mistake of picking up the phone and making a worthless and unproductive call to her to say hello. I'm sure she would be cold and hurtful, just like she always was when she wasn't in the mood to be in a relationship. So I'd just get off the phone and feel worse than I do if that's possible. I feel terrible, missing her, yet so angry over the lack of consideration she showed me. Will I ever, ever feel happy again? Is she missing me on any level or do NPD types not miss people? Her sister died when she was in college and she said she was the only member of her family to not break down. She went right back to school and finished finals. She said that's just her way. So, is she missing me at all? Will she be back? I have a business dealing with her (she's my insurance agent), and I don't know what to do about that. Change companies? Leave it? I miss her so much but I don't miss having to get a temperature check every day to see what her commitment level to the relationship was. If she was in a good mood, the sky was the limit, if she had a bad day, the whole world needed to tiptoe around her bad mood. Is this typical of NPD people? I know so little about this type. Where does all the bragging come from? Are they insecure? If you asked her, she'd say she's the most secure person she knows. She talks bad about everyone, including her ex of 10 years. Blamed the ex for everything and made herself out to be the victim/hero in the relationship. Not once did she ever say she loved her ex and that even though it was bad at the end, there were good years. I found that strange. Plus the ex got sick (some long term disability thing due to work), and she packed her ex up and kicked her out of the house and back to So. Carolina where there were family members to provide support. I found that incredibly strange how someone can bail on their partner after 10 years. God forbid I ever got cancer, would she bail on me? Thanks everyone for letting me drone on. It helps.
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