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How to get out of marriage
May 25, 2008
12:04 pm
snazzy
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I have been married a long time, 28 years, but the marriage has been filled with turmoil. Whenever I try to leave either my husband uses violence to stop me or uses violence against himself with attempted suicide. I am the breadwinner of the family and have been for a majority of the marriage. My husband makes me feel as though this is my responsibility. Once when we were newly married, I did not have a job because we had moved since he had been discharged from the Navy. He did not have a job either. I found a job at a fast food restaurant that paid minimum wage. He criticised me for not making enough money. Since then I have gone to school and obtain jobs with good salaries. I am currently going to school to further my education. Still I never seem to make enough money for this man. Meanwhile he makes about one third of my current salary. I am really tired of this way of life. I have two children but they are older. One is 24 and the other 17. I do not have a supportive family. They think I should stay in a marriage no matter what. I want to get out of this marriage peacefully if it possible. Please provide ideas on how to do this.

May 25, 2008
12:15 pm
bonni
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My grandparents stuck to their marriage and they lived apart. Have you considered living separately?

May 25, 2008
4:17 pm
StronginHim77
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Your husband has broken covenant with you and completely VIOLATED his marriage vows by using violence to keep you from leaving. Likewise, his suicide attempts are pure MANIPULATION.

I strongly encourage you to seek out counseling for yourself...NOT marriage counseling; private counseling,just for yourself. You need supportive encouragement and understanding about WHY you have tolerated such an unjust and oppressive relationship for so many years.

In my opinion you are free to leave this man. He is draining you dry, giving you nothing and using violence and manipulation to retain your financial support, etc. LEAVE.

If you are like many of us, the thought of leaving your abuser is frightening and overwhelming. However, seek out the counseling you need and deserve, in order to regain the rational thinking and inner strength you need to make better decisions for yourself.

Lastly, it does not matter what your family (or his) would think of you leaving him. This is YOUR life that you are living...they are not living it. You are free to make your own choices without their influence or control. They have no right to inflict such unfair judgment upon you.

Please keep posting here. You need support and encouragement. There are alot of good people on these threads who will listen and care.

--Ma Strong

May 26, 2008
7:16 am
forfreedom
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hi snazzy,

I hear you...my ex wife left me as i pulled the same stunt. was petrified of being alone, abandoned. you have a nasty codependant relationship..and you see it when you try to end it.unfortunately it will not get better...you are tied together, locked in to this thing.
it takes great courage to say no more.
i used all types of manipulation to stop her leaving, but she left with the neighbour..i can see why..i was sucking the life from her.
what she didnt see was she allowed it and got a kick from trying to fix me...watch out for what is keeping you there...scared or addicted..?

it takes two to have this kind of thing, do you see your part?
are you a fixer or carer, who is not sure of how to have your needs met..only by meeting his...this could be why you are scared to end it.he knows it and you see it..?
be careful of blaming him, you are creating the needs in him to keep him with you, adicting him to you so he wont leave..see anything in that?

you can break this but only by recognising you need no one but yourself..then you can drop the codependency.

May 29, 2008
10:22 am
realitygirl
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You need to leave this moocher. I have been there, and you deserve better. Life is too short!!

Please let us know how you are.

May 29, 2008
10:55 am
nappy
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You have been given some good advice here on this thread.

Please for your own sake, take heeve to what is being said. You have already wasted a lot of years going through such drama that now you are ready to end it.

People shouldn't have to live like this. But we allow so much to happen to us that after awhile, it is time to call it quit.

I would get rid of this husband. He don't even hold the title. But you need help to understand why you put up with this for so long. It is what we allow to happen to us that we go through so much drama in our lives.

Get help soon and get out as soon as you can. This is about YOU and this is your Life. Not his.

Nappy

May 30, 2008
2:51 pm
Celtic1
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Hello,

Snazzy, I don't mean to hijack your thread but I want to say something to forfreedom.....

How courageous of you to admit that in public. You have no idea how much that will help others to realize why some do as they do.

BRAVO forfreedom....keep up the good work on yourself. ;0)

Celtic

May 30, 2008
3:09 pm
nappy
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I have never been married, and thank god for that one but does being married mean that the husband has total control over there wives.
Does it mean that after she is married that she don't have a life of her own.
I have been reading alot of this on this thread and it seem that once the woman is married, she has become her husband slave.
If the woman don't do what he say, then she will get hurt.
I thought that maybe things have change in the married department over the years but I see that they haven't.
If this is what being married is all about, they can keep it and these young womens that are coming up better learn quick and listen because if they don't, they will be on here with the same problems, and the same drama.

Nappy

May 30, 2008
3:35 pm
GlindaTheGood
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nappy, I agree. I have been married for 9 years and am not the same person I was and want to be. It's now all about him and my children. Trying to get back to me, but others don't seem to care that I am not happy.

May 30, 2008
5:08 pm
praxedis
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28 years is a long time to be unhappy. You're not getting those years back.

Consider what sort of legacy you're leaving your children and really take a look at what types of relationships they are in. They had no one to learn from except for you and your husband. I'm willing to bet they are repeating your pattern.

Your problems with your husband started a long time before you even met your husband. You need to look at yourself and why you continue to stay with him. If it's "for the children," especially if the children are already grown, then it's the wrong reason.

What are you prepared to do to salvage the rest of your life? Is your husband willing to change his behavior? Are you willing to change your behavior?

If not, good luck.

May 30, 2008
5:11 pm
nappy
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Glinda,
I hope that you get yourself back. I feel that a woman shouldn't lose herself just because she is married. But I have been proving wrong by reading some of these threads.
I deal with a lot of young womens in my church and to tell you the truth, they are very smart. They are not like womens of yesterday.

The one comment that they did make was that they are not going to let a man drain them of there looks, life and anything else that they had before they got up with someone. Because we have a lot of older womens that in there life time have let there husband drain the life out of them and for what?
They look so worn out.

I had notice when I was with my childrens father along time ago that when I am living with a man, I tend to lose weight but when I am not living with one, I shine like gold.
So that right there taught me that I can not live with a man. I can date him but not live with him.
I don't think that I could put up with him being at home with me all the time.

Nappy

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