September 27, 2010
I have a habit of taking out my anger on my family, friends, and boyfriend, especially. My tone is angry and he thinks I'm mad at him, and I'll say sarcastic comments, and I'll be more irritable and then he gets upset, understandably. I don't ever hit him or anything, but it's just verbal anger. He's not a person I can vent to, because he takes my feelings personally, even though they're not directed at him . . . Anything I can do to combat this within myself? I think of just getting away from the situation and cooling off, but a lot of times that's impossible to do at home. And driving angry is not a good thing either . . . Any other suggestions out there? I know I need to work on this . . . Problem is, I can't hide my feelings. I'm an open book . . . People take one look at me and automatically know how I feel . . .
September 30, 2010
Kudos to you for realizing that you want to manage your anger better! A lot of people never figure that out.
Do I understand correctly that you are looking for practical suggestions on how to just get through the heat of "the moment" so that you don't regret anything that happens? Then deal with stuff later on when you have a chance to cool off?
Don't worry about hiding your feelings, that's not good to do that. But, you need to take yourself and your loved ones out of harm's way during that moment. Let boyfriend know the rules, that if you are really really pissed about something that you need your own "time out" and do not want to be disturbed. Physical release is excellent, whether it be going for a run or beating a pillow or doing 50 situps or 100 pushups.
Or write write write into a journal, everything on your mind that is pissing you off, from the crappy day you had at work to the piece of lettuce stuck in boyfriend's teeth to the 5 pounds you gained over the holidays or the coffee you spilled on your new sweater that you wouldn't have if only damnit that goodfornothing boyfriend of yours hadn't made you that extra cup of coffee with extra sprinkles and whipped cream *smile* Anything goes. (Word of caution: you say BF takes this stuff seriously, so do not let him get hold of this writing, since it's just raw feeling and will likely hurt his feelings when the emotions have nothing to do with him. Put it in a safe place or burn it.)
Again, communication is key. Talk to BF about this when you are clear-headed, and make some rules to protect both of you. Remind each other of the rules when these episodes occur, and when the two of you don't handle one quite right, talk it out afterwards and see what went wrong. When you do handle it well, pat yourselves on the back and do something extra nice for eachother.
What do you think of this approach?
September 27, 2010
Thanks, you two. You helped put things in perspective. I had a chance to try it out the other night. Boyfriend made me dinner at his house (he insisted.) He's not the most kitchen-savvy person in the world, and I laughed at his kitchen antics. I thought it was safe, since he seemed to be making fun of himself and was smiling, too. His exchange student was doing the same. He got upset with me, and left me alone while I ate. I asked him why? He said he was mad because I'd made fun of him. I got upset and left the room, and went downstairs and ate. After I finished eating, I went back up to get my jacket, because I thought he wanted me to leave, but he came in and hugged me and I said he didn't want me to leave. So, it was best that I had left the room.
I apologized for making fun of him, and I said that I thought it was okay to laugh because he seemed okay with it. He said he was more mad at himself for not being more good at cooking . . . And that was it.
So it worked. Walking away and waiting until we're calm is more helpful than blasting at each other.
It makes it easier to state what exactly it was that bothered you, etc.
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