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How do you deal with a short-tempered boyfriend?

UserPost

9:44 pm
March 11, 2006


ryny143

New Member

posts -1

Hi- Things have been pretty good with my boyfriend for about 2 weeks now, but tonight he seems to be back to his old a**hole self. We have been reading a "relationship problem fixer" book together, and it seems to be helping. I kinda feel like I am overreacting, but tonights sequence of events are making me so angry.

We've had dinner & bookstore plans for tonight, since the beginning of the week. He came home from work today, said he was going to take a nap & to call him an around 8~so I did. He's all "I feel so sick, I wanna sleep longer, etc." BUT he was like, "I definitely wanna hang out, thats not a question, I'm just a little tired still." So I get ready & call him a few minutes before I leave, and he tells me he still feels sick, doesnt wanna get up, just wants to sleep, bla bla bla. So of course Im kinda mad bc I am practically walking out the door, and when I showed a LITTLE bit of aggrevation, he got SO pissed, and started cursing at me. I know this all sounds stupid to be writing about, but am I wrong to feel angry? When he told me to "go f**k myself" I hung up, and he accused me of trying to start a fight so I can go out & have a night by myself!!! WHAT??? Anyway, the last thing that happened was that he told me not to hang up on him, I told him not to curse at me & I wont hang up. SO he says, "F**K you." So I hung up, and that was it. I just have so much anger right now but I dont want him to know it- what should I do? Anything or just keep it in the back of my mind?

10:14 pm
March 11, 2006


my fault

New Member

posts -1

ryny143:
I would say he is a control freak and is verbally abusive, do you need this from a man? Something tells me this is not the first time he did this to you either.

There is not much you can do with a controlling abusive person. I can tell you that you will need a thick skin to put up with his remarks. Do you think he has respect for you?

You need to ask yourself why you need to put up with a man that treats you with disrespect.

Take Care…

10:28 pm
March 11, 2006


ryny143

New Member

posts -1

Hey thanks for the advice. Yes he is controlling & verbally abusive, but I am trying to work with him & change things, and he was too, but I hate walking on eggshells and having to deal with his temper! I am trying to work on myself & my reactions also. Tonight I was able to calm myself down & not get crazy & hysterical like I usually do when he lets me down. I guess thats a step right?

10:41 pm
March 11, 2006


CAMER

Member

posts 100

hi ryny…its only been a few weeks since dating him….is this the kind of guy you want to be with??? verbally abuse, and so soon in the relationship???…..yes, you can change things, but can HE???? walking on eggshells is not good, there is something wrong….now you have to decide if he is worth it???

love, camer

10:43 pm
March 11, 2006


sdesigns

Member

posts 30

So- he had plans with you, and he ends up saying F you because you are following thru w/ the plans? This is not the loving behavior one would expect from a boyfriend. Plus, he accuses you of making a scene so that you can go out on your own? Sounds controlling and jealous, and not even logical.

I wouldn't put it in the back of my mind. I would keep it right out there in front, and not excusing his behavior, but I think you might want to explore why you would be willing to accept this treatment from someone. This is not a healthy situation for you.

SD

12:31 am
March 12, 2006


ryny143

New Member

posts -1

Hi guys- My 1st post may have been a little confusing, but I have been with him for 4 years. Things have always been pretty rocky, but in the past few weeks we have both been working on the relationship together, which we havent tried to do before. I think I am willing to put up with it all bc I am SO scared to be alone. I am so used to having him when I need someone. I've been doing a lot of reading on this stuff though, and I think its helping me realize whats ok and whats not. Thanks~

12:36 am
March 12, 2006


inalotofpain66

New Member

posts -1

Hi ryny…..I can tell you that the fear is BONE CRUSHING…..now that I am alone……..but at the same time, I KNOW deep in my heart and my soul (and I pray now to my HP to help me get through this) that I DO need to find some way to face my alone-ness and come to terms with it…..because otherwise I will continue to repeat the SAME behaviors which are all about controlling the other person so I don't have to be ALONE……how ironic that those exact behaviors led to her leaving me…..and now I really truly AM completely ALONE :(

5:32 am
March 12, 2006


Cinamac

New Member

posts -1

Hi—I kinda went a little long here,,, sorry.

He needs to work on himself.

There could be many reasons he has a short temper. And many reasons why he needs to seek professional help.

Saying "F" you to someone is something most people only think- and maybe want to say it, but they have something in their brain called an executive function that stops them. I feel like telling my boss that, for example, but know if I do, I will be fired. I feel like telling that to my kids when they are being extremely difficult, and I am tired, etc., but I don't for obvious reasons. I have never said that to anybody for all the reasons in the world. And beleive me, I have had many good reasons to, many great excuses, but I still haven't been able to do it…even when I was drunk. (Alcohol being the great deinhibiter, but then I don't drink as I might say something I regret later.)

A reason someone might say F is s/he might not have any or little empathy. A person that could say that obviously can't put themselves in another person's shoes. That is scary, as people without empathy need a lot of help and have to learn to adapt in many situtations. It is almost impossible to have a relationship with someone with no empathy. And sadly, empathy is developed early in life, and it is rare that it is developed late in life. As much as a person wants to learn and wants to change, my guess is it is pretty much a losing battle.

Others who would blurt something like F you might have a severe case of ADHD- but again, this person needs to learn strategies on how not to blurt, maybe take appropriate medication, see a specialist to help them cope.

He could have an anxiety problem… overly stressed and in a state of flight or fight. He then would need to learn how to handle his stress, and find creative, mental, intellectual and physical ways to prevent and allivate stress, as opposed to telling people to F themselves, or what have you.

And he could just have a short temper becasue no one has called him on it, and therefore he gets away with it, and he must get something out of it. But then, he would need some anger management or something.

Whatever the case, if mentioned above or if something elese, it is his problem to deal with. He needs to fix it, and it might be hard if you try to help fix your torturer. 10-1 he won't stop.

I tried with my ex for 18 years. When I left, he just found someone else to say F you to, and then he dumped her and is onto honey number 2, and honey number 1 is chasing after him, as if she hadn't had enough. She thought she could change him (she was with him for 3 years.) I was relieved that she took him off my hands as he was quite jealous, and beleive me, after him, I don't think I will be with anyone for awhile yet.

So in a nut shell, how do you deal with a short tempered boyfriend, you fix your own life, detach and hopefully he will change on his own. It is up to him.

If you feel alone, think of what yu would like that special someone to do for you, and then do it for yourself. You want a massage, then go get one. You want the tap fixed, hire a plumber. There are wonderful amazing friends, family, neighbours that will fill the gap, fill the loneliness. Volunteer, spend more time with your kids, your pet, an elderly aunt. Often these guys fill soooo much there is a giant gaping space that gets left when they leave, or you leave, but over time, you can chose to fill it with wonderful people, animals, events, charities, causes….

All the best

Cinamac

2:26 pm
March 12, 2006


ryny143

New Member

posts -1

Thanks for the great advice, and insight. Everything you said makes a lot of sense. I am trying to do things like that for myself, but when things with us are good, I tend to put my OWN pleasures aside, or include him in them, which makes them no longer "my own" things. I guess I just have to try harder to create a completely separate life for myself, so I dont feel like I have nothing without him.. Thanks again!

Inalotofpain66- I feel your pain, and its what I am so afraid of :( I know you will feel better eventually, and I hope it comes sooner, rather than later. Best of luck- dont lose hope- do things to make yourSELF happy :)

2:48 pm
March 12, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

hi ryny,

I just read your first posting and did not read everybody else's so if I am repeating something that you heard already, I apologize in advance.

When I read your post, my first thought was that your b/f was not willing to be honest. He was tired and felt sick and he should have apologized and said he couldn't make it. Then you should have gone out and enjoyed yourself.

So many times, we women make the mistake of giving up our lifestyle, our interests, our life for a man. Then we end up losing ourselves, our sense of identity and we are left with nothing. Then we look to the man and expect him to give us what we gave up and he can't, he won't, and ultimately he loses interest.

Something else that bothered me about what you posted was how easily your b/f sank into abusive words towards you. You said you hung up and he kept calling back to abuse you some more?

That kind of disrespect at the verbal level will only mean that it will escalate to a higher level of physical abuse. Please think hard about this. If his presence in your life is NOT adding to it but taking something away…. then maybe you should cut your losses and walk away….

In my humble opinion,

~~bonita

4:43 pm
March 12, 2006


Worried_Dad

Member

posts 43

The possibility of physical abuse is a concern with this kind of guy. But really, he doesn't have to hit you, does he. You are already working to accomodate his special "problems."

Read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans."


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