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How do I get rid of a stalker?

UserPost

8:36 am
April 6, 2011


samantha2

Member

posts 47

Hello Everyone

I haven't written anything for a long time, although I do check in quite often to read. I would really like some feedback and advice. Some background – A long time ago, some of you may remember my involvement with a man who could be very nice and charming, then fly into rages without warning. He would set me up for situations that would justify his outbursts. We were engaged and bought a house together – when it came time to start moving and finalizing wedding plans he went into a breakdown where he spent hourse curled in a ball sobbing that his life was over – wouldn't wash, shave etc. But miraculously he would recover as soon as I left for work and would spend the day undoing our remodeling plans and redoing them a different way. When I came home he would go back to the sobbing etc. At first I was VERY sympathetic and tried to be supportive, but when i noticed the pattern of sudden recovery followed by another bout of immobilizing trauma, I realized it was all an act and broke the engagement.

It was extremely hard to maintain no contact, and I struggled for several years with it – I'd hold out for awhile and then he'd start with the charm and begging and eventually I would give in. There was another woman involved and still I would give him yet another chance. Last July I caught him with another (the second I know of) woman and this time was finally able to stay strong. For 8 months I have not answered the phone or returned any calls. He has tried coming in to my place of work and I have thrown him out. I really have not encouraged him in any way and when we come face to face I have told him, in these words: "Go away, I want nothing to do with you!" In 8 months I have logged almost 100 attempts he has made to get me to let him back into my life. He calls (and I could change my home and cell number, but not work), comes to the house and leaves things for me outside the door, he has sent birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's, St. Patrick's Day cards, not just to me but to my mother and my children, he has left gifts outside the door, – one night I was working late and was the only one left here – he was in the bushes outside my window tapping on the window to get my attention. I have turned around in church to see him right behind me (He lives 40 minutes away from me – it's not like he would be there anyway) Lately he has been calling, tearfully begging me to take him back – he is sorry, he messed up, he loves me, please talk to him. I do not respond in any way. I don't even return the things he leaves because I think he would interpret that as contact. I ignore it all. But I don't understand why he doesn't stop.

It is annoying but also disturbing and I honestly don't know whether to be concerned. I have not called the police because in my town they would probably do nothing or ask me if he threatened me, which he hasn't – however, he has a very mean side to him and when in a full blown rage screams and waves his fists in my direction (usually in the car, when I can't go anywhere to get away from him). So help, folks – does anyone have any experience with this type of behavior? Why won't he go away? What can I do to make him leave me alone? Should I be concerned, or does he sound annoying but harmless? Advice or suggestions are so needed!

9:17 am
April 6, 2011


razor

Member

posts 140

Hi Samanatha2,

I would report him at once! They will have to file a report surely! And then if something does God forbid happens there will be a record of it. I don't know much about the laws but when I first separated from my ex and wanted to keep him away they asked me if he had ever threatened to kill me or if I was afraid of him. You could certainly tell them you are afraid of him. Good for you for ignoring him so far but he really sounds persistent.

Good luck. Please report him.

11:16 am
April 6, 2011


samantha2

Member

posts 47

Thanks Razor

I know that is the best thing to do, but was afraid that in my small town with one (sometimes) officer, nothing would happen. Also, he lives in another town about 30-40 minutes away, so which one do I call? Sounds like dumb questions, but I guess I just keep hoping he will go away on his own. He apparently wanted to be with other women, now he has his chance – why is he pursuing me? I'm pretty content with my life and not really looking for another relationship, but with him doing this it makes me not want to consider it anyway because it would be embarrassing – "It looks like you are seeing someone"……"No that's my stalker"…. how to repel someone who might be interested…….. He seems to think he still has a relationship with me as long as he keeps it up. What makes a person do that?

11:36 am
April 6, 2011


free

Member

posts 372

Samantha2

 

Make it clear to him that you are not interested in a way that can be documented, such as e-mail.  Tell him you are not interested in him and that you want his contact to stop.  And then save that email.   I know that won't be easy, but you have to make it clear that contact is not wanted otherwise if and ever this does go to law enforcement, he's going to claim you never let him know you didn't want contact with him.  He's actually not guilty of stalking until he threatens you.  You CAN however go to the police department and tell them you want it documented that your are concerned about this guy, that he just won't leave you alone and he's creeping you out.  It creates a paper trail. They probably won't be very nice to you as they will act like you're wasting their time- to bad, they are there to serve you, remember that you pay their salaries.

 

I know this is scary,  and it's probably going not be a short road.  So hang in there, don't let it consume your life, continue to live it despite what he does or says.

 

free

5:05 am
April 7, 2011


sad sack

Member

posts 77

Hi Samantha,

Welcome back to AAC!  I do remember you from way back when. If I recall, you used to communicate a bit with Doris Day (although she seemed to disappear abruptly from these boards).

First, I must applaud you for finally leaving this guy and severing the ties. I do remember how you struggled with this.

Secondly, I must agree with the others. You must notify the authorities as this can potentially be a dangerous situation. Stalkers should never ever be taken lightly. If I were you, I would at least let the authorities know that this is happening, so there is documentation that he is invading your life in a very inappropriate way.

He will probably continue to stalk you until he gets his desired result. Good for you for not engaging him in any way.

If he does, in fact, continue, I would (in addition, to notifying the authorities) contact a lawyer and find out what your legal remedies are. You should not have to live like this.

Stalkers are mentally unstable and capable of anything. Please take some sort of action, at once.

Samantha, I wish you the best. I am sure this is a very unpleasant and disturbing situation for you. Please keep us posted.

sad

6:11 am
April 7, 2011


samantha2

Member

posts 47

Thanks so much Sad, Free and Razor.  Reading your advice makes me sit up and take notice that it is quite serious. He actually called again yesterday asking me to go to an oldies dance this weekend. I'm solidly in the habit of not responding, and part of me keeps hoping that he will just go away on his own, but that is evidently not happening. Yes, Sad I have struggled with this for a long time. I do miss Doris – she disappeared suddenly – I think someone made a critical remark and she left. I hope one day she will come back.

I am reaffirmed repeatedly that all of you are saying the same thing and reinforcing that unstable people are unpredictable and capable of anything. I know this, but push it to the back of my mind (denial?). I must do as you all suggest, take responsibility and take some action. Thanks so much.

1:35 pm
April 9, 2011


free

Member

posts 372

samantha2, how's it going?

 

free

7:26 pm
April 9, 2011


lollol

New Member

posts 2

free you are the resident stalking expert. Takes a stalker to catch a stalker.

7:46 pm
April 10, 2011


free

Member

posts 372

nice to meet you lollol.

 

samantha2, hoping all is well with you, post if you get the chance.

 

free

2:21 pm
April 19, 2011


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

Samantha –

Update us, when you can?

- Ma Strong

12:07 pm
April 25, 2011


samantha2

Member

posts 47

Hi Ma and everyone

So sorry – I get busy at work and also checking on my mom who is in an assisted living facility but still maintains her house. She can be there when one of my sisters or brother and their families come in to visit and someone can be with her all the time. So I run back and forth from work to her house to mine picking up bills, paying bills, visiting her, making sure both houses are clean etc. I get a little overwhelmed, but my siblings are very appreciative and supportive. They all live in other states but do what they can when they can.

The Easter weekend was a bad one for the stalker. He called me at least a dozen times, showed up in church Thursday evening (my home and church are about 45 minutes away from where he lives – he didn't just happen to be there). Friday I also went to church and kept looking around and behind me – didn't see him and thought I was clear, till I left and he was waiting for me at the top of the steps outside. I asked him to please stay away from me and left as quickly as I could. Sunday we all had dinner at my mom's house – when I came home he had left two pots of mums on my deck for me and my mom. He sent us each an Easter card last week and has called 2 or 3 times every day. I dont' answer or return the calls. He has called my cell already once today.

I have maintained no contact since last July. I don't know why he hasn't gotten the message yet. I have not called the police because in my small town we don't have any at the moment. When we do (and it's off and on depending on municipal funding) they are (sorry to say) like the Keystone Cops. If they could find my house I'd be lucky. I know they won't do anything. He doesn't threaten me – he cries and says he's sorry and begs me to take him back. He brings me gifts and leaves them outside the door. He invites me to dinner and dances. They would disregard my concerns.

It is unsettling. Probably if I was dating someone else he would go away, but I am not going to go out with someone just to make him go away. I am quite content with my life and like it as it is. But what he is doing is disturbing. His past vindictiveness and meanness make me not let my guard down or give in to the tears and begging.

Anyway, I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter! Thanks for listening and for anything you can offer in the way of opinions or ideas. Take care all

Sam

7:38 am
April 27, 2011


free

Member

posts 372

Hi Sam!  It's good to hear from you.  I can sure see why you're disturbed.  Whatever ya do, you're right- do NOt let your guard down.

 

free

11:53 am
May 2, 2011


samantha2

Member

posts 47

Hi Free, Ma and everyone

The calls continue along with drive by's. He left flowers on the porch at Easter for me and my Mom. He always calls and tells me he's going somewhere and might stop over to see if I'm home. If I can, I find somewhere to go so I'm not there but I hate feeling like I'm being chased out of my house. I finally called the police (we have I think one part time officer sometimes). He was very nice and did not blow me off or act like I was overreacting. He acknowleged that there wasn't much I could do other than continue to write down and keep track of every contact, but he did start a file on him. He told me that if he showed up to call him immediately. I felt better after that even though it's really no protection and he will continue. He leaves long messages so I know what he plans even though I don't answer the phone. I don't block the calls because at least it gives me some warning so I can lock the doors or leave or something. He sounds sad and pathetic and has been asking me to please change my mind and talk to him but I don't. The pathetic still tugs at me, but I've been down that road enough to know that if I let him talk to me it would quickly turn to accusations and after this long I think anger would have built up and who knows what he would do. It's easier and easier to ignore the calls (I mean I'm not tempted to answer the phone). If he says he'll be going to one place I make sure I find someplace in the opposite direction. I just hate dodging all the time. And it is still hard to picture accepting an invitation from anyone else – like who would even ask me to do anything with a stalker lurking in the shadows? That might be part of his intention actually.

Free – you have been named the expert on stalkers, and Ma, you have great insight into the human mind and spirit - what kind of person (profile) does this? And where does it tend to lead? It's been going on a year and I would have thought he'd have given it up by now. He's been pathetically begging and crying, but could he be dangerous? I know you don't know him, but you all have experience.

 

Thanks so much1

9:56 pm
May 2, 2011


free

Member

posts 372

Hi Smantha~

 

It's good to see your post.  I'm not by any means an expert on stalking, my ex was arrested, charged and ended up pleading guilty to misdemeanor versus felony stalking in the midst of a jury trial.  In short, he was adamant he could beat the charges but he lied to his attorney and got caught, Iw anted the lesser charges so as to spare one of our kids the horror of testifying, and when the defense fell apart he had no choice but to plea.  It was a nightmare, and sometimes to this day I get "fogged" when thinking about it all. Expert, not by any means.

 

It all started like your situation is.  But then something went wrong and I don't kow what, a screw came loose in his head.  He rented a house down the street and would sit out on the driveway on the weekends, drinking, and watching my house.  He even cut down a tree that was in his line of sight.  He doused my lawn with gasoline.  Smashed the fuel injectors on my car.  He sent me bullets with my name carved in them, wrote the words "the rapist" in the memo of a child support check, gutted my ducks in the backyard.  Took off with the kids on more than one occassion.  He was mentally and emotionally brutal to them whenever I called on the legal system- that was my punishment, still is.  Sent me roses, flowers, a crucifix in a box with bullets, dried roses, dried flowers (these were left on the doorstep) with biblical verses or music lyrics from Def Leppard "love bites".  One morning my answering machine went off, it was him checking my messages from his phone.  I don't know how he did that.  I came home one night and he was on my couch.  I could go on and on.  It was a nightmare, and I, too, changed the way I did things, changed where I went and when, always looking over my shoulder, looking before I stepped, that kind of thing.  This way of life became normal to me and I had difficulty seeing what other people such as my advocate and the detectives, saw.  Stalking wasn't a crime when he began this, neither were "terrorist threats."  It became a crime when the movie star, I forget her name, was stalked and killed at her front door, and terrorist threats became a crime after 911.  My ex started stalking in 1997 and was convicted in '03.  It was my attorney, whom I had hired for a child custody situation, who pushed the issue, I had become accustomed to living this way and had lost all faith in the legal system.  I had stopped calling for help.  He did.

 

I have lost faith once again, that's another story.

 

So an expert, no, by any means.  I don't know how to advise you.  I just think about you every day.

 

free

6:26 am
May 3, 2011


samantha2

Member

posts 47

OMG Free! What a nightmare! My thoughts are really with you – I had no idea you had been through such an awful experience. Mine is nowhere near that level right now, although somewhere in the back of my mind lurks the awareness that this could escalate. I don't want to seem an alarmist but I can't disregard the possibiilty. He can be VERY charming and knows all the right things to do – nice restaurants, flowers, gifts, cards, never forgets a birthday or any occasion, brings me sentimental things that would mean something to me.

But, there is another side to this man. The side that will spend all day plotting how to build me up in expectation for something special and then pull the rug out at the last minute simply to see my disappointment. The sudden, unprovoked rage that would start without warning and build until he was out of control, screaming, calling me names and telling me to get the hell out. This usually would happen in the car going 60mph+ so there was no escape. As he yelled he would wave his fist at me until I would be up against the door. The times we would be in a public place and he would start insulting and demeaning me loudly so that as many people as possible would witness it. One day we were supposed to go somewhere – I pulled up in his driveway and got out of the car. He was in his garden. When he saw me he rushed up onto the carport yelling about some old girlfriend and telling me to get the hell out of there. The tantrums would come out of nowhere. We would sometimes be in a conversation and gradually he would become more and more argumentative. It would take me a few minutes to realize what was happening, and when I did, the first thing I would do was to try to reason with him and calm him down (big mistake) As he escalated, I would then just keep quiet and hope he got over it on his own. There were many times I wondered how far he would actually go – would he strike me?

Probably the scariest times were those (not many) when he would talk about buying a gun to defend himself (?) The first picture that came to my mind was him luring me into the house and shooting me and then himself. I thought I was really going too far until I had a long talk with one of his old girlfriends and she asked me if he had ever mentioned buying a gun. She told me that she was afraid he would shoot her and her son and then himself. Strange that we both had similar perceptions about 10 years apart.

I think what bothers me most is that he is keeping it up for this long – once he gets the idea that I REALLY don't want him around, will he snap? When he was younger he could always charm someone else and move on, but he is almost 69 years old and his charming days are getting limited. Will he get to the point that he will do anything to be in control?

Your ex did some extremely outrageous things – I hope he is long gone and you have peace. I really feel for you going through all those bizarre things he did.  Thank goodness for your attorney who pressed the issues and got a conviction. I hope you can finally stop looking back over your shoulder – after that I can only imagine how hard it is to even think of being in another relationship! Mine hasn't been near the same level, but right now I think I'm better off being peaceful by myself. Do you have children?

9:23 pm
May 3, 2011


free

Member

posts 372

Hi Samantha2~

 

I wish I knew what to tell you RE:  will he snap.  I don't kow.  I was seeing a therapist and I asked the same question, he said "I don't know."  But a gal in a support group I was attending told me that I know the answer, and she said something along the lines, I can't remember verbatim, "you know the answer to that, so let me ask you the question a different way:  are you seeking chaos or are you truly afraid?"  Of course the room was silent, I suspect this caused you samantha2, to still yourself, and she continued "  more importantly, are you afraid to find the answer to that question?"  Later I learned that yes, I was afraid to find the answer to that question, because if I was seeking chaos then that wasn't good, and if I was truly afraid, that's not good either.  I was in a domestic violence situation in our marriage, and there's a song and dance that enables domestic violence to take place, he'd play the song, I'd dance, and vice-versa.  Many people take the whole seeking chaos thing negatively, as an accusation or attack, but it's not.  If you survive chaos or something that the brain can't make sense of, then creating chaos becomes a survival strategy and will be used again.  It's not a bad thing, it's a survival thing.  It can't get in the way though, of coping with situations that don't need that strategy.  Oh, I'm short on time, I hope that makes sense.

 

It's pretty clear you're not seeking chaos.  something has your nerves on edge and rightly so.  Sounds like you're afraid of making a mountain out of a molehill.  Well, I just don't think you are.  I think this guy has a screw loose, it's just hard to tell HOW loose.  I think about you quite a bit, and what would be useful to tell you, and here's something:  in a nutshell, my ex found a way into my computer- it has something to do with ports being open when you're on the net or so I was told, I do't know what that means maybe you do.  I'm not computer savvy, never been, have no interest in becoming, so I got off the net for some time.  But my ex could see everywhere I was going on the net, and anything I had on my computer, including email and chats- I used to be in chat rooms. 

 

He was stealing my mail out of my mailbox.

 

He found a way to access my message machine on my home phone.

 

Because he knew the last four digits of my ss number and my mother's maiden name, he was able to access all financial accounts and anything that used those, I now password protect anything I can.

 

He has a friend that is a police officer, does your stalker?  Kuz that's not good news.

 

I'll try to think of more, I really don't "go" here mentally much anymore.  My "normal" isn't other people's "normal."  I don't know if that makes sense.  Yes, we have kids together, I deal with things differently than I used to, I'm very hesitant to rely on the legal system.  This is why I say I don't know how to advise you as I don't know if what works for me would work for you, and I don't know if I could be doing things differently and have a better outcome.  It's hard to know what to do.  Know what I mean?

 

I'm just thinking that perhaps a clear message via text ANDemail saying " so and so, I don't want contact with you anymore, I am moving on, and so should you. You won't hear from me again in any way shape or form, I wish you the best, , I don't want to hear from you again in any way shape or form.  Goodbye."

 

What do you think of that?

 

free

8:01 am
May 4, 2011


zarathustra

miami, florida

Member

posts 562

hello samantha, you can call me z if you like, i know i have a long nick, sorry i havent posted before, i just clicked on this thread now for the first time and read through your situation, first off i would like to apologize, because this sounds like a headache and a half, and no one deserves to be LITTERALLY haunted by their past.

 

i dont know if you know but i am a guy, and i think its obvious since i am here i have had a history with depression and what not like your ex, granted i have never "curled into a ball and hand uncontrolled crying fits" as this guy has, i have been near suicide and never openly sobbed like that, so either he is faking, as you thought or he does has SEVERE issues. i think we can all agree its the latter since he obviously has co-dependancy issues on a ridiculous scale, would everyoine agree with me on that thought? or attachment issues or whatever, to be honest i didnt think he "qualified" as a stalker at first, just a crazy guy who misses an old fiance, guys are known to do dumb things when the women we think we love leaves us, but you convinced me with the dozen phone calls daily and waiting outside bushes, thats bad. i would recommend for you the same thing i always recommend to women with guy problems, its not enough to blunt, you need to verbally smack him with the truth. curse him out, tell him you dont ever want to see him, yell at him, dont avoid, dont be polite, i would recommend publicly only because he seems to be emotionally unstable, men are idiots, i admit it on behalf of my gender, he probably thinks he can win you back with what he thinks looks like never-ending love. you dont have to date someone but cant you pretend to date? like have a guy friend come over or something? maybe ask a guy friend to tell him you two are dating to scare him off?

 

you should look for a restraining order, but i speak from experiance, they dont do shit. i have had a restrainging order against my father, he would come over, we would call the cops and would even take him away, they would just wait for him to leave. restraining orders in my experiance are rarely enforced. i am not a cop or proffesional on anything mind you, i am merely speaking from personal experiance, but i have leanred already long ago that cops tend to do nothing with domestic problems unless it gets violent, and even then they tend to do nothing.

 

hoping for the best for you, and truly sorry this is happening.

10:44 pm
May 4, 2011


free

Member

posts 372

"restraining orders in my experiance are rarely enforced."
Oh do you have that one right.
free

11:39 am
May 5, 2011


samantha2

Member

posts 47

Thanks Z and Free -

I do appreciate your input because it makes me think and take a step back to look at things from outside my own situation. Free, I definitely think he is capable of doing something violent as an impulsive act. One of his former girlfriends, who lived with him for 10 years, and I have become friends. She told me she thought he had her followed or bugged (weird thought) as she found a notebook he was keeping detailing everywhere she went and who she talked to. She said one day she was several miles down a local bike path and ran into a friend and stopped to talk for a few minutes. It was considerable distance from any kind of civilization (road, traffic, people) and he had written it down. How he knew that bothered her even to this day. I can't say I ever found any evidence of that, but he always seemed to know where I was and what I was doing when I wasn't with him. Although that isn't hard – nothing I do is secret and many people know where I am and what I do. I have called the police and they have started a record on him. In the meantime, I continue to write down every contact. I have also shown where I'm writing this to a friend or two just in case. There is one person at work who knows that if I ever don't show up and have not told someone ahead of time that I won't be coming in (in my job quite frequently I have meetings in nearby towns so I will go straight there in the mornings) that someone should check on me. Other than that I just live a normal life in a normal routine and try not to worry excessively. He doesn't seem as bad as your ex, Free, thank goodness – at least yet, so my eyes and ears are open but I don't want to be paranoid.

 

I love your ideas Z – I have been very rude to him when I have come face to face with him. "Go away, leave me alone, I want nothing to do with you!" – I don't even pause to give him a chance to start a conversation. Slam the door, turn my back, walk away. He goes home and calls me and tells me how much he loves me and then gets annoyed and tells me he wants to see me but not to holler at him. So I try to ignore or disregard him. I don't know if it will work or not but I really don't know what else to do.

I also have thought of getting a male friend or even a friend's husband to act as a "date" – the only trouble with that is that he knows all my friends (male and female) and the husbands so that won't work, but I have let my friends know that I am open to meeting new people they might know in the hopes that a casual date or two might result. I really think that would do the trick to be honest. I know that he will not go where there is another man. Strange because he cheated on his wife left and right years ago when he was married. She kicked him out when she caught him having an affair with a married woman – in the act on the night their daughter was being born. The wife had to call 911 to go to the hospital by ambulance because he was otherwise occupied. But that was years ago, not relevant now.

Forget computer stuff, Free – I am clueless. Wouldn't have the first idea where to begin. He had an email address that I knew the password to because I would have to email cross country registrations (he is the coach) from his email address (what a helper/enabler I was!). He must have another email now because the last time I checked the old one there were hundreds of unread emails in it and it didn't look like he had been on it for ages. I don't have any idea what his address is now. Awhile back I did email his sister, though, and told her what he was doing and that if he did not stop I would contact the police. They are very close – I don't know if she mentioned it to him or not. If she did, it didn't work because nothing has changed. She didn't answer me, but I didn't expect her to.

I really appreciate your support and ideas – I'm hanging in here. My mom and I each received Mother's Day cards this week………no surprise there. I file them with everything else.

3:43 pm
May 5, 2011


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

To Those Posting On This Thread…

Please be cautionary.   I have reason to believe that this thread is "bogus," just as "Billy's Angels" and "Understanding Feeilngs."  Again, don't let your feelings get involved. 

 

-  Ma Strong

4:09 pm
May 5, 2011


free

Member

posts 372

Ma, thanks for looking out for me, but my feelings are already involved and that was and still is, my choice.  I'm fine with that choice, so no worries :)

4:16 pm
May 5, 2011


free

Member

posts 372

Good to hear from you Samantha2.  There's quite a difference between being paranoid and caustions, sounds like you're being cautious and that's just plain smart.  I think I would have written "not at this address" and mailed the cards back lol.  Seriously though, I'm not sure it's a good idea to accept anything from him, he might view it as some kind of acceptance or acknowledgement or something.

 

Have you tried changing your phone number? 

 

free

6:49 pm
May 5, 2011


zarathustra

miami, florida

Member

posts 562

hey samantha, i think faking the boyfriend thing will be your best bet, just get a guy friend and ask him to do you a huge favor and go to the movies with you and play lovie dovey. if you have a facebook or myspace page change your relationship status, dont assume he is watching you though, i think the best bet ( although i am sorry because this involves getting someone else invovled) is getting a guy friend to visit him or call him and tell him to please be respectful that you two are seeing eachother, but mak sure the guy is nice, you said your ex is impulsive, dont want him to fight your friend now.

 

or my personal favorite option and just curse him the F out! lol my best friend is a girl and THANK GOD i have convinced her to be mean to men! she now slaps guys when they dont take the hint and yes i have felt that slap before lol trust me, if you just ignore him he wont go away, be rude, be offensive, make fun of his penis, spreas rumors about him, get a billboard that says you hate him, whatever it takes. hoping for the best

9:06 am
May 9, 2011


samantha2

Member

posts 47

Thanks Z – I like both your suggestions. I have (not exactly cursed) at him but there was no mistaking the tone of voice and the explicit "Go away, I want nothing to do with you!!!!" GET OUT!!!" etc. Yes, I'm seeing that ignoring him isn't doing it. Getting a stand in is probably the best idea

He hasn't let up for Mother's Day - left a hanging geranium on the steps and called several times. I know I shouldn't accept it, Free, as you said – that's the next thing I have to work on. I haven't changed my number because it does give me a bit of a heads up of where he might appear next. I appreciate your answers and your ideas, and your sharing your situation with me. It helps when someone understands a situation. Thanks. I'm still a work in progress

And don't worry, I'm not bogus, whatever that means. I'm the same person who posted on the old site, it's the same guy. I've never used any other name. I don't get on often because I'm usually swamped at work and then run to visit my Mom and take care of the house and yard. Now that my kids are all grown I've been trying to get interested in some things like book club, running/walking etc. I've received some very kind and helpful advice from people here for which I am really grateful. Thanks both of you

2:40 pm
May 9, 2011


free

Member

posts 372

Hi Samantha2, wish you lived by z, you two could hit the movies!  It's actually a good idea, to find a guy friend to hang with.  I like the idea of changing your status on facebook, I'd bet money he's watching that if he can see your page.  I know you haven't changed your number, and I get why, but don't have your voice on the message machine- use the automated one.  He may be calling just to hear your voice.  The fact that he came over and left things on your doorstep is not okay, especially after you've been clear you want nothing to do with him.

 

I think it's time to text him AND e-mail him, "PLEASE don't send gifts or cards of any sort to me, don't call me or text me or email me, I don't want communication with you, and please don't respond to this, PLEASE just leave me alone!"  and lock that message on your phone. Locking it will ensure it's there (proof) if you ever need to prove you sent it. 

 

Bogus means that you're situation isn't real, that you're fabricating it.  You don't have to prove anything to me, I've made the choice to respond and care, and that's my choice.  When my stepson died I posted here and learned later that a few people researched online through obituaries, seeking "proof" of this tragedy all the while I was seeking a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, a kind word or two or three…  Discovering that made me feel, I don't know- bad, like maybe people didn't actually care at all.  And they've probably researched my ex's stalking trial and all that drama- some people are just very interested in whether or not we're here legitimately I guess.  So be it.  I choose to assume people are and if they're not, well so be that also. 

 

I'm here for ya, as much as cyberly possible.

 

free


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