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how can I help my son? he is unreasonable
March 30, 2001
11:03 pm
miss_demeanor
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My 11 year old son breaks my heart. He is HIGHLY intelligent, in all accelerated classes, plays chess, is a wonderful athlete, and sweet WHEN HE WANTS TO BE. But when things dont go his way, he LOSES his MIND. Then I dont help things, because it becomes a struggle for power. I want him to behave and do as hes told, and he is intent on showing the WORLD that he DOESNT HAVE TO!
It gets to where I literally want to knock him down! I try not to let it EVER get physical, but sometimes, it gets out of control. I feel like such a failure. There must be something I can do to help him, besides putting him on drugs.

March 30, 2001
11:10 pm
Ladeska
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No drugs. You need to "help you"... You're obviously using him as a mirror to yourself - as you used to be and projected what you did not do, expectations, dreams, etc. - onto your son. Very, very unhealthy...for you and for him. He "will" rebel and you'll drive him away from his own potential, probably much like someone drove "you" away from yours at one time. It's not about control....it's not about his performance. It's him being himself and being real and you allowing that to happen. As long as he feels from you this obsessive thing of he has to match the picture you have in "your" head of what he has to become....FOR YOU....he will always resent it, always rebel and will probably damage him greatly in life. We project all too easily with our children. They represent the "little us". We release this - with oh so much struggle and denial.. I know this will upset you, just reading it. I beg you...fight that and think about this...."be with it", look at things with real open eyes..

March 31, 2001
12:30 am
Alena
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Miss, what do you mean by getting his own way? Do you mean in every day functions he gets mad when he can't
behave as he wants to? Or do you mean you pressure him to be something he doesn't want to be?

If it's a behavior thing, like won't pick up after himself or do chores, or is mouthy, then I have an opinion on how to handle him. If it's like Ladeska describes then I believe what she says as a remedy is a good idea.
You just can't pull him a certain way because you want it, you will only push him in the opposite direction. You can try the subtle approach though. Takes more work, but you could manage to guide him into certain areas if you introduce it in a roundabout way.

Take a deep breath though, don't allow it to get anywhere near physical. Don't forget, no matter how smart he is, you are the mature one.

March 31, 2001
12:40 am
search
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First of all I bet If you start taking things that mean something to him (video games,cds,etc...) when he dosen't want to listen to you things will be a little different. Try it !!!! It works!!!!!

March 31, 2001
8:39 am
janes
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1. Look for a video called " 3 2 1 Magic" It's about behavior.

2. Explain "when things don't go his way" and "loses his mind" for us.

3. You are the parent he is the child.
You will need to be letting go of him soon as he is growing up and like it or not YOU are NOT always going to be able to control him.

4. Get him checked for allergies. My daugher - now 21 had rages from age of 1 til now. At 17 I had her checked and found she is -ALLERGIC- to ALL milk products..not lactose intolerant ALLERGIC. when she shunned all milk products her emotional demeanor REALLY changed. She no longer had to have the LAST word all the time and could actually be reasonable sometimes.
Just an idea.

5. What is his nutrition like? We are finding more and more that people lack most of what we need to have a brain running on all cylinders.

6. Seek a good family counselor and go every week for 6 months. no excuses.

Looks like a power struggle and you are both attempting to manipulate each other and you are both unhappy. Seek outside help because neither of you is at all objective here.

"I wnat him to behave and do as he is told".....????? When? How fast? What?

Is he getting daily disciplines at school? Beating up other kids? Rubbing poo all over his bedroom walls?

WHAT do you expect him to DO?

Give us more info.....

Your expectations of him may be unreasonable....and if he is your oldest....how would you know? Parenting is a tough job. You are seeking to raise an individual to be human, happy and content. He is growing up to --leave you. At some point you will have to let go and let his behavior be his behavior and the consequences for that behavior...his problem--not yours.

And hands off. At eleven he is too old to spank but not to old to ground.

Give us more info so we can help if we can

March 31, 2001
11:36 am
Molly
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Janes suggestions are right on, so many of the parents that I spoke to with "out of conroll children" were surprised to discover that 7 sodas a day, with ice cream, chips, etc.,as well as no structured bed time, then correcting the diet, as well as sleep, helped a great deal. We are really in denial regarding food as drugs, and sugar is similar to heroin in the brain, trust me sugar is a drug. I suggest that you do have him tested for food alergies, my sis, her son was diagnosed as ADD, but he was allergic to wheat, and dairy, as well as a sugar dependency. The changes brought her the angel she once knew. Do your work now or really suffer later, he could also have high levels of testerone, and need sports to work off his energy. Good luck.

April 1, 2001
9:26 am
janes
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Find a book by Dr Jacqueline Stordie "The LCP Solution" too.

Believe me...as a teacher of 26 years and a mom of 5 (not angels) kids are tough, smart and savvy.

they can pull us into behaviors we don't like and we let them.

Doesn't mean they won't be great adults.

that what you want for you son i imagine a great grown up life.

The stage is being set ...

Many of us parents don't get it that often what is needed most is a firm no with no arguments...out of love and no negoiation. Regardless of what they say with their mouths...we need to be firm and fair.

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