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He's trying to lay the guilt trip on me—and it's working…

UserPost

11:49 pm
February 15, 2007


thedogsmom

New Member

posts -1

but I'm holding strong and hoping I can keep coming here for support

I type fast so usually my threads are LONG.. MY story—
I fell in love and let a man move in with me who wasn't financially stable due to past child support…got him out of debt by loaning him money $10,000 from me and $20,000 from my mother. He is the NICEST man I have ever met and continues to be a kind patient gentle loving soul…he has a good steady job–but after paying off his child support debt (he also borrowed from his retirement and now they automatically deduct that) and he has two other children from his second wife he still pays for…he doesn't make enough to really support himself. I have helped him all of these years by paying his taxes, car insurance, kids chrismas presents…etc… and he was paying what he can afford to give me…UNTIL he picked up a METH habit 2 years ago… and my life fell apart… He started ditching work, taking leave without pay..took credit cards out in my name , staying out all night, lying ..dissapointing..making false promises.. etc… the viscous cyle….and I continued to forgive him.. He started drug rehab but quit it.. I have NOT been able to kick him to the curb because I love him and feel sorry for him and know he doesn' have enough money or good credit to even afford rent… He is lying, and hanging out with who knows who…while I worry and wonder and snooped ( no longer snooping or looking -since I know what is going on).. The latest is …he was supposed to enroll in an IN-rehab drug program…but said his insurance won't cover the expense unless he gets kicked out of the day program they offer 3 times!
He tries to stop…it seems ..and is really good for a few weeks..then relapses and stays out all night. I got mail with Visa checks with OUR names on them in a new card that I didn't apply for a few days ago! I was SHOCKED and SURPRISED once again to learn he could do this and the bill was $1300 since the 7th of Feb. I quickly called the company to cancel the credit card and see if they could reverse the charges or refuse the charges but they said they could not. HE had transferred one 750 visa bill to the new card and charged 550 for a two day stay for a room for his daughter in Las vegas. I cancelled the Trip reservation as the room he charged was for this upcoming weekend and I did not want to get stuck paying for the whole bill. My idea was to pay off the whole credit card amount and then cancel the credit card so he cannot get me in further debt. First I tried to contact him to talk to him about it…(he had stayed out all night– but he wouldn't answer my calls) So I just cancelled her reservation and then called the credit card company to payoff the rest of the balance and cancel the card. They said I could make a payment but I couldn't cancel the card.. AFter speaking to somebody else they told me I could remove my name from the card. I feel really bad that his daughter is involved in this and will have to pay the price of not having her room paid for. I tried to contact her to let her know not to go on the trip and expect the room….but have been unable to reach her. I emailed "him" to let him know what I had done so he could talk to her or pay for a cheaper room for her..but he had stayed out all night and didn't answer my calls. I called my cell phone company to find that my bill ( I pay for our cell phone service) was $875 dollars since January! I cut off his phone service. It cost me a penalty but much cheaper than paying his bill each month so he can call his druggie friends.
I was proud of myself for a minute for trying to protect myself…but now I feel so guilty for what I did to his daughter.

HE stayed away for two nights and upon my return home yesterday on Valentines day I found he had packed a bag and moved into a cheap hotel room. I had left him an email and a also printed a copy I put on his door. (we have been sleeping in separate rooms for some time)..I haven't returned his phone calls and today he left a message. He was CRYING really sobbing..he left this message "I can't believe you could do this ? how could you do this to my daughter? I have NEVER done anything for my daughter and thats why I wanted to do this for her..so I opened up a new credit card in MY name and added you to the account…and now my daughter is stranded in vegas? how could you do this? I can't believe I did this???? she is stranded now alone in Vegas"" how could you do this?? ""

I posted part of this in another email and got responses that had made me feel okay about what I did. BUt now I feel sick to my stomach and guilty..guilty..and sad..and worried about him.. he has threatened suicide in the past… help me…or be honest about what I should do here? should I pay for her room? or should I just let him sink..?? Was I right or am I cruel??
any response would be more than appreciated.
thedogsmom

12:15 am
February 16, 2007


Loralei

New Member

posts -1

You did the right thing. Don't doubt yourself for a moment. He has been using you and taking advantage of your good nature. By putting your name on 'his' credit card, he was using your good credit because with his bad credit, he never would have been issued one in the first place. If you hadn't found out about it, he would have ruined your credit too and put you into debt. He has been doing whatever he pleases and leaves you to pay the bill. You have been the victim of a con-artist. Get that worthless piece of garbage out of your life. He doesn't love you. He loves your money.

1:06 am
February 16, 2007


thedogsmom

New Member

posts -1

ouch…I asked for honesty..and directness…and I got it.. thanks Loralei..for your quick response. I don't feel the same..but I do know exactly why you feel that way..and I need people who think like you do..and don't fool themselves or always make excuses like I do…to help me gain the strength to rid myself of this relationship gone bad… I do need to hear other peoples opinion..and advise..cause you likely are right. maybe he is this charmer-abuser con artist who has only been using me.. and instead I paint him to be this really nice poor guy with a drug problem who does love me??? I wish I could think like you and appreciate your input and advice. I want to be strong and stop hurting..

Now I have more reason for guilt. His daughter 24 years old just phoned me and she IS stranded in VEGAS! she was SOBBING hysterically and said she has been there all day without a room. I told her I was SO sorry but that I myself had cancelled the reservation that her dad had made for her –and then I told her the truth about why I did it. It turns out she did get tonights room paid for and has a place to stay for tonight. She said she could probably stay with friends tommorow night. She said she wished her dad would have told her the truth. I told her he wanted to help but was ashamed or afraid to admit he did not have the money. She asked where she could reach him and I told her he had moved out. She asked why and I told her the truth—- that we are having problems…that he has a "problem" and that he needs help. she asked me what the problem was and I said I think it was drugs. SHe started screaming and sobbing hysterically. I FEEL SO GUILTY. I told her..we don't communicate and that it may not be drugs.but that's what I suspect..but maybe he is just cheating on me… I tried to change my story so she wouldn't worry. I told her not to worry about him.. that he would be alright. That I still loved him and that IF it were drugs that he would get help and be okay.. SHe hung up crying. I told her to call me if she was stranded tommorow and I would help her. I FEEL so BAD. Was I wrong to tell her the truth? Is she stable enough to handle it?? I don't know ???
I don't know anything anymore.. I feel the truth must come out. That you can't go wrong with the truth? but I really don't know??? More candid advice please.
thedogsmom

10:49 am
February 16, 2007


nappy

New Member

posts -1

I read this over and over again and the one thing that you haven't admitted was that you are CODEPENDENT.

I'm a woman and by reading what all that you have done for this man and who ever, I wish that I could find someone to take care of me. Pay all of my bills and let me do what I want and not care about how I am hurting that other person.

I'm sorry but my eyes would of open up first when you knew that he had kids by other womens and he was paying child support. Those of not your kids and why should you pay child support. And while you are paying for his CHILD support, who is paying for your KINDNESS support?

My eyes would of open up again after shelling out 10,000 and your mother shelling out 20,000. Can you not think of anything else to do with that money that concern YOU?

And you keep calling him the nicest person, with a gentle soul. We all are gentle soul but they also have gentle soul that will take advantage of others and will do anything and everything that they could to keep using that person.

He is not stupid. Have you really look into his eyes lately? What do you see? Do you see love or do you see in his eyes $$$$$$$$ signs that want go aways because he is using you for your money.

Now for his daugther. Did she have money in the first place to go, or did he tell her that YOU was going to pay for it? If you want to help her then that is fine, but the minute that you do, he is going to be running back because now everything is fine and he can go right back to what or how he has been playing you.

I don't mean to be mean but you are on this site for a reason and right now you don't see what is happening to you because you said that yourself but YOU are the one that is going to have to see it, because if you don't then the game will continue to be played and everyone should be happy.

I really don't see where the quilt trip would come in after you have done so much and more than the average person would do for someone. I get angry sometimes when I know that other (GENTLE SOUL) take advantage of others and the other person thinks that, that is love.

You really need to read co-dependency no more before he and his childrens put you in the doghouse of debt and then you really would be asking yourself (WHAT HAPPEN?)

10:52 am
February 16, 2007


nappy

New Member

posts -1

Oh and something else.
We being co-dependent can also make ourselves believe that it is the other person fault.

he's trying to lay the guilt trip on me– and it's working……

he ….- not him, YOU

trying to lay the guilt trip- not him YOU

and it's working- not him, YOU

It's a painful process but it does work.

11:08 am
February 16, 2007


thedogsmom

New Member

posts -1

thanks nappy.. I've read your threads for months in the past. and often like the direct advice you give as you have done for me today.. I am sobbing and falling apart and have to quickly get ready for work. SO I can't reply much but a thanks for your honesty and I will truly read your answer again..and seek help for myself.. you are right… it's so painful.. but I am a strong woman.. and will survive this.. and see happy days after the storm.
tdm

11:30 am
February 16, 2007


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

I posted on your other new thread, regarding telling his daughter the Truth.

However, I will reiterate on this thread that you are NOT responsible for his daughter knowing the Truth. He is a master manipulator. I wonder if he would have hooked up with you, if you and your mother hadn't coughed up all that money for him??? Sounds to me like he needs to kick the meth, get himself a couple of jobs and begin to pay back what he owes everyone. In short, he needs to grow up and face Reality.

He will never grow up, unless you stop enabling him. He is an ADDICT who is pulling every dramatic trick in the books to keep you feeling guilty, thus willing to continue to pay for his irresponsible behavior, instead of letting him grow up and face it like a man.

He is a USER. Repeat after me: USER. He doesn't love anyone, not even himself. He is an ADDICT. Get him out of your life.

He will only pull you down further and further. That's not love you are feeling for him; it's codependent anxiety and panic at the thought of being alone.

- Ma Strong

11:58 am
February 16, 2007


Loralei

New Member

posts -1

Oh, and don't let the idea that he is the NICEST man, a kind, gentle soul fool you. That's what makes a con-artist successful. You don't think they'd get very far if they revealed their true selves to people, do you? They thrive in open-hearted, trusting communities of people. Look how many scams have been pulled off by a "fellow church member". They use the guise of being a good christian to get you to trust them and then they rob you blind. That's what this guy did to you. Don't believe his "act" for a second. Believe his actions, they speak volumes. You have been robbed.

5:00 pm
February 16, 2007


lettingo

New Member

posts -1

thedogsmom,
Your saga sounds so much like mine. My stbx was the best husband. Kind, loving hard working. I also helped get him out of debt in the beginning of our marriage thinking I could get him and our life on it's way. Almost two years ago he started drinking (he's a recovering alcholic addict) and then pills and then speed. I had to shut everything down. He stole alot of $$$$$ credit cards, forging checks, stealing, you name it. I don't usually like to give hard advice but whatever you do DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. Like my husband, these men are very sick and will say anything and try anything. My husband has tried everything even threatening to commit suicide and believe me when I tell you it BREAKS my heart and sometimes I do sobb and sobb. My heart is still broken and I miss the life we had and what I thought we would continue to have but I have surrounded myself with support, got into alanon and therapy. This is a hard battle but know that you did the right thing. Even when you are in withdrawals and missing whatever it is you were getting out of all this. Stay strong, it will pass. hugs!!

5:51 pm
February 16, 2007


Shaney

Member

posts 4

dogsmom – I know you did the best that you could in such a sticky situation, but you need to be absolutely direct and honest with his daughter. Giving her information in a way that skirts around the issue in order to soften the blow or give her less to worry about, is doing everyone a disservice. Dealing with the cold hard truth from you, will probably be easier than trying to pry the truth out of her father. He's not in a place to be honest with himself about his addiction, much less his daughter. Stop candy coating his life and his addictions. He has created this mess, and it's in NO WAY your responsibility to clean any of it up. Blaming you is AGAIN his way of avoiding the real problem… which is him.

He's taking advantage of you, by openning up another credit card, know full well that he can't pay for whatever he charges. It doesn't matter if he charges a room for his daughter in Vegas, or open heart surgery for his dying mother… the bottom line is that he put your name on the card because he knows that you will eventually become responsible for whatever debit ends up on the card. It's was a calculated plan, no matter how you slice this shit pie.

Maybe this is rock bottom for him – who knows? But I DO know that wherever he is (whether it's on a road to recovery or a path straight down the toilet) he is going to take you with him, if you choose to stay in this relationship. You've managed to cut some of the ties, a little at a time – but whatever strings that are still tying you to him, will never be strong enough to keep him above water. He will sink with or without you – it's ultimately his choice. You've done everything humanly possible to help him… and nothing has worked. It's time to fight for YOUR life now!

7:30 pm
February 16, 2007


thedogsmom

New Member

posts -1

THanks ALL for your thoughtful and helpful replies. I cried like you wouldn't believe– loud and snorting and all… like I haven't cried for a long time… You will NEVER know how much this site and your caring words have helped me to get through this emotional turmoil…I am ALLOWING him to bring into my life.

MA strong..
I am saying it OVER and OVER as you suggested ""..HE is an ADDICT!! HE is a USER!!""" I will keep pushing for strength like you have.. YOu must have SO much strength and value life so much after surviving your addict husband and surviving his suicide. I can't even imagine what I would do in this situation. I guess I too would "have" to survive this…as I could never kill myself..as I wouldn't want to hurt my family…and I also am smart enough to know that time will heal and bring a brighter future ..IF I try to make it that way.
I have printed out your words " WE are NOT responsible for the choices an addict makes. EVER. Hold onto that truth."
I guess I keep slipping and forgetting and seeing his good side and foolishly hoping he will change.

Shaney.. It's so good to hear your advice (again). Sure wish I would have listened to you a few months ago and packed his clothes in a garbage bag and put them outside the door and changed the locks as you had suggested. Instead I made him promise to go to drug rehab.. and so far that hasn't worked out for me.. Here I sit a few thousand dollars poorer. and NO you cannot move in with me.. ha ha.. I was relieved that he had packed a bag and moved out on his own. BUt I know it is just a matter of time before he returns. The sucker better return as he took my truck ( his car isn't working and only in my way of doing laundry in the garage). I think you may be right ..this may be him getting closer to hitting rock bottom and maybe he will be inspired to "improve" his life instead of "kill" himself. I guess it is not really in my hands. Trying to give him the support I have.. hasn't worked out for him…and most certainly isn't for me.. So I do think it's time for that TOUGH LOVE.. I am zapping strength from ALL of you! thanks..

on my way.. I hope I too am on my way to recovery. I have made some slow progress.. I agree that honesty is the only way to go. lies ..lead to more lies.. and and eventually it eats away at your soul and conscience. I expect HIM to tell me the UGLY truths.. so I guess I need to speak the ugly truths too ..even if it is painful for others to accept. thanks for the much needed hugs that I did 'feel'.

Loralei, thanks again..It's not easy to accept that somebody is using you..but you are right.. con artists can't con..without putting on the charm..and he has let me know by his actions that he is not thinking of me and my welfare. It's true..some of the biggest con-artists are pastors..or church going people. I need to keep focusing on his actions.

Student 1 – thanks for your reply "it takes an entire family to enable and disable a drug addict".. yep.. it also can take one drug addict to completely ruin a family..and I won't let him take me down with him.. which is the path I was heading. Thaks I will look into your story.

Tracyln. The way a person phrases his/her words often helps people to "hear" them. "release yourself and forgive yourself" simply said..but It helped me to release the guilt…cause you added that I have been doing everything out of kindness…and I have!!

letting go…I think I have read your stories too here in the past. I feel for you ..having been in the shoes of someone in love with an addict. It can really suck the life out of you — If you let it. I hope I can let him go.. completely detach and let him take the ball in his court and pick himself on and upward. It's good to hear that you are doing better. I don't like the idea of 'therapy' but this here is real therapy for me. and you are all a big blessing!!
It's time now I fight for my life! I'm heading for heart disease..like my dad! read that stress really causes your blood to clot and takes years from your life.
the only good part of this drama..is that I've lost weight…but then again..I lost my boobs and butt..and have to work on FIRMING up!..

nappy you are right! It's time I start getting ANGRY! Not very many people would keep loving and giving to a man who continued to take advantage the way this man has. Even his sister said she doesn't understand how anyone could "love" a man so much..to let him keep hurting her.. Guess it's time to look more at myself and reasons for accepting this for my life.. my past choices weren't great either!..
Thanks all… I'm going to eat my first meal of the day.. now that I feel MUCH better.
tdm


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