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Help! Does a Control Freak ever Change?

UserPost

11:36 pm
March 23, 2005


ra5811

New Member

posts -1

I have just left a relationship (about 18 hours ago), took my children, my dogs and whatever I could fit in the car. I left all of my belongings behind. The story:
I met a man 9 months ago, moved in with him (300klms away from my home town) 5 weeks ago and have been living in hell almost ever since.

Some examples of his behaviour:
He rarely shows me affection.
He never pays me compliments.
He insists that my children (10y.o & 12y.o.) are sitting down to breakfast at 7am and have left the table and finished dishes by 7.30am. They cannot make their own breakfast and cannot have different things for breakfast. They are not allowed to make a bowl of cereal, that is my job.

He tells me that I don't organise the house, discipline the children, work my business or earn any money. He decides what we will have for dinner and when; he gets to work each morning and immediately logs onto the net to check our telephone bill, he then wants to know who each phone number I have rung belongs to. He goes through my mobile phone every night, checking phone calls and text messages.

He has virtually cut off my contact with all of my family and friends. He either hates them or refuses to meet them. We moved to a small town and if he sees my car around the town he phones me and asks me what I am doing.

He tells me that I will never find anyone else that will put up with my baggage.

He tells me that I have cost him a fortune.

I could go on forever with the things he has started doing since I moved in with him, however even though I am now 300klms away from him, I still miss him (the good times). Ridiculous I know. Even though I am home, I am still frightened to contact friends that he doesn't like and am scared of going places that I know he doesn't like me going to.

It is obvious that he is a control freak, but do they ever change?

I can honestly say that if he pushed the right buttons I might consider going back. The logical side of me knows that would be absurd, but he seems to have such a strong hold over me. I have always been an intelligent, independent woman and I cannot believe my own behaviour at the moment. He has me believing that everything is my fault. It is only the past few hours back with my friends and family that I realise IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, is there any hope and how long does it take to find yourself again and become the person you used to be before they emotionally drained you?

11:42 pm
March 23, 2005


mamacinnamon

New Member

posts -1

Glad you are here and really glad you are away from him.

A person can change if they want to, but normally I do not think they do. They may look and say they are, but watch coz anyone can change for a short time. It's the long term that is the determining factor.

I lived in an abusive marriage for 12 years. I know the emotional drain, the frustration, the depression. And you are right. It's NOT your fault; or the kids'.

11:48 pm
March 23, 2005


addicts wife

New Member

posts -1

Hi,
I dont think they ever really change , at least not enough. You, andyour children were in a prison, I am proud of you for leaving before it got worse, adn I think it would have.
No relationship is worth being treated like an uncapable person worthy of being dishonored and devalued no matter how hard you try, nothing will ever be good enough. Who you call is your own business, and being isolated from family and friends is a controlling persons fear of being "figured out" by others. It is abusive, adn can be very dangerous.

I think you did the right thing by packing your car with as much as you could and running for your life.
Ive seen the tragedy of what some people like that are capable of, as my mother went through a relationship like that twice, and one of my girlfriends got killed by a man who isolated her from her family and friends, told her what ot wear, when to brush her teeth, eat, and practically when to use the bathroom. These people are very dangerous, not all become murderers, but with the quality of life some are left with ,I'd say the term is valid on a technicality.

You'll b free now, and there are plenty of people out there who will NOT treat you this way!!!!

Hope this didnt scare you, just wanted to share a little…
My thoughts are with you!!!
((((hugs)))))
~AW

12:50 am
March 24, 2005


free

Member

posts 372

Hi ra

I'm glad you're here, too. God, this brings back memories.

yeah, I've been here.

What helped me stay away was the following: I wasn't only living in hell, my kids were as well. I told myself repeatedly (and sometimes still have to, after 8 years) that leaving was the best thing for them given the only alternative of staying.

They depend on me to provide a violent free home for them, a safe home where feelings and emotions are talked about, a home where mistakes are allowed as long as they are learned from and responsibility is taken, where there is discipline versus punishment, tolerance, understanding, support, and love. Their father cannot provide that kuz he's sick. But I can. and if I don't, they don't get any of the stuff I listed. Had I gone back, our son would hve learned to abuse and devalue women, our girls would have learned to be victims.

The only way to break his grip on you is to do those things you are afraid of. I know it's scary- it's more than scary, it's a feeling that just can't be described. I had a few to drink the first time I called somebody I was forbidden to call. Not only was I afraid to call, I was ashamed- so ashamed that I hadn't kept contact.

I remember saying something along the lines of "hey is free, I haven't been able to call you or keep in contact until now, I'm glad you answered your phone." Something like that- but she was at my house within half an hour.

This is the beginning hun. He's not gonna just let you walk away. Control freaks don't do that. You're gonna have to stay really, really strong. Try to set up some kind of support system- you've got to contact some friends.

No looking back. This guy is really bad news. I know it's confusing because you recieved love from him as well- he wasn't always an asshole. But ya know what, somebody who really loves you- is almost never an asshole like this- not what you listed. It's bad, Ra. Really bad.

My control freak never changed. He stalked me. Went to trial and got convicted again. Got married and everything, and still hasn't quit- I've heard though that usually they do after they find another woman.

Stay srong, Ra. Not just for yourself, but for your kids. They can't make a healthy home for themselves. Only you can.

Only you, their momma.

free

1:19 am
March 24, 2005


angel4U

New Member

posts -1

ra5811,

PLEASE do whatever it takes right now to keep yourself surrounded by people that truly care about you, and that are healthy. They will eventually help you see clearly how truly awful of a situation this is. It's easy to get blinded by the good, but I assure you that the longer you would have stayed, the less good you would have experienced … people this controlling usually get worse, and most times it eventually is not only emotional abuse, but also physical abuse. Could you ever see anyone hitting your precious children, or talking so cruly to them that they become afraid to speak? I guarantee you this is what will happen if you go back to this man.

I would love to be able to go eye to eye with him right now, because I would firmly tell him where to shove it (excuse me, but people like this really get my goat!) No person has a right to EVER talk to you and treat you as if he owned you. EVER! Please don't forget that!!!!

Please seriously consider, read & re-reread if you have to all the advise people are giving you here. Reach out if you have to for support groups in your neighborhood that have people that have been in this type of relationship that can help you see how truly bad of a situation this is, and possibly help you determine why you ever entered into it the first place (questions to ask yourself: Were you raised to be submissive to men? Did you experience abuse as a child?)

It may be hard to see the forest through the trees right now, but you will in time once you start taking care of yourself and start believing there are good people out there that will care about you and love you the way you deserve to be loved. If you can't do it for you right now, please do it for you kids. You are their only protection and they really need you to help them feel safe … and that means staying away from this man.

My prayers are with you!

((( HUGS)))

Angel4U

7:56 am
March 24, 2005


CAMER

Member

posts 100

wow this guy is a huge control freak….and only "they" can change if they want to. The more people let someone control you, the more the person in control keeps doing it…hope that made sense. I am so glad you left, but for now the "changes" have to come from him, and he needs to do alot of work on himself.

8:19 am
March 24, 2005


SUSIE BABY

New Member

posts -1

God bless you left!!!!! some change some don't. Don't think of the GOOD time's, i'm sure if you thought long and hard enough, there weren't that many, not so many you would return to your prison(and your children). your children are old enough to do thing's for them selve's,why shouldn't they? where is this man from?? where ever he was raised 'the man is head of house hold',(dark ages). women don't have to live this way(or their children). move on with your life,if your afraid your friends will say i told you so,let them and be done with it.move on.i have been there,i was afraid no one would want my "baggage".you realize he's speaking of your children!SURPRISE, there are men willing to be a father,and a good one at that. don't let this man hinder you,PRAY, GOD will be there if you just ask!! stay here, so many people who have walked in your shoe's, KEEP THE FAITH,SUSAN

2:45 am
March 25, 2005


ra5811

New Member

posts -1

Thank you all so much for your support.

Free, you hit the nail on the head when you said about that undescribable feeling you get when you are about to do something your are forbidden to do. I have contacted people that I am not supposed to (and felt terrified about it). The problem is that some of my friends are very "off" with me and its going to take some serious work to get my friendships back. I just wish they could understand the power these men get over us. I don't know how to explain to them that I wasn't "allowed" to contact them. I suppose if I was on the other end of this and had not experienced this I would not understand either, but anyone out there that has lived this – you know exactly what I am talking about.

I just feel so devastated at the moment. I seem to have lost friends over this. Some people are saying "hey, you tried and it didn't work" while most are saying "well we warned you we didn't like him, but you went ahead anyway". Yes I did, and yes, I made a huge mistake. But I am only human.

He has not contacted me yet…. I am sure he will. I am scared of the mind games that will start. I am scared that if I don't get support from friends that I won't be able to handle whatever he throws at me.

I have to keep remembering the things he said to my 10 year old son, for example "piss off, you're nothing but a piece of shit", "when you get home and your mother is crying, remember that this is all your fault and you have done this to your mother", "you're not worth feeding", etc, etc. These comments were the final straw that pushed me out the door.

Home two days and I am still sending my children outside to eat, following them around to pick up anything they might move out of place, jump every time the phone rings and watch my rearvision mirror every time I go out. Hopefully this fades quickly.

I only lived with this man for 6 weeks – imagine what he could have done given more time.

Again, thanks for all your support and hope against hope that I will be strong enough to do this.

8:28 am
March 25, 2005


readyforachange

Member

posts 6

ra….maybe he will change, but is he showing any signs of wanting to? Does he recognize or admits that his behavior is controlling and abusive? Even if he agrees to go to counseling with you, and work on your relationship, is he going to change enough that you will be living in a normal healthy home for your children's sake? I doubt it. You did the right thing to leave. Take care of yourself and your children. This man is abusive, and you don't need to teach your children that this is acceptable behavior. God bless.

8:35 am
March 25, 2005


kc30

New Member

posts -1

Seems to me that people only really change when they bottom out- become so unhappy with their life that they are internally motivated to do something about it.

It's a long process…I'm in it now, and I know I have years ahead of me…and I'm not abusive or addicted to substances (except ciggies but I kicked them cuz I'm pregnant)

Would you really want to wait around to see if he ever gets the desire, then wait longer to see how long it will take? Your boy is growing and can't afford that kind of abuse.

It seems you did the right thing and you are a very very strong woman. Congrats and stay the course- knowing what you know and leaving was probably the biggest step for you. I hope you can feel some sense of pride for that!


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