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He keeps accusing me of cheating on him

UserPost

3:07 pm
July 9, 2004


bakum777

New Member

posts -1

Someone once told me that that the accuser is the guilty one!

Stay strong!

3:07 pm
July 9, 2004


klug

New Member

posts -1

He won't let me love him. It is that simple. Eveyone asks me why I don't just get angry at him because of what he is accusing me of. I do but I still stay. I am on vacation next week with my daughter and I am scared. He is due for a break up and I don't want to spoil my time with my little one.
So if I tell him he won't let this go and let me love him. There is not point in me being with him. So if I say that I am breaking up with him. I can't stand this limbo anymore though. I just go back and forth in my mind.

3:09 pm
July 9, 2004


klug

New Member

posts -1

If he cheated on me I would be crushed. I would worry about so much like disease etc. I would not be able to handle it.

3:28 pm
July 9, 2004


klug

New Member

posts -1

I just talked to him.
I said you have to get over the cheating thing or we can't be together.
He said then we can't be together.
I said you are going to give me up over something I did not do and he said he does not believe that. He thinks I am sleeping with my daughters father who I have not been with since she was conceived.
He said he lost his credibility in me when I lied.
He said there are no signs I did not do anything.
I love him and have not touched another person. Can you understand how horrible I feel.
Then I said are you leaving me. He said I don't know if you want to stay together we will stay together. I said then you have to drop it and he said he can't. Help…Can anyone see why I feel so lost and helpless?

3:29 pm
July 9, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

It sounds to me like you just need to stop living for him. He doesn't treat you right, he holds things over your head, to have control over you, and it works. He has utter control over you because he knows this hurts you, and he gets some sick enjoyment from seeing you squirm. Sometimes, its best to take a break and see the person for what they really are. He is a jerk to hurt you so. And I think you should go on your vacation, and then see how you feel when you get back. He uses one little thing and turns it into a crisis. My ex did the same thing, and I never realized how much I took the blame whatever when in the end I realized it was his issues, his problems not mine.

3:36 pm
July 9, 2004


klug

New Member

posts -1

Aces and Spades,
He does not think of my feelings.
I am only doing day trips with my daughter but really wanted to be happy for her.

He won't give this up and keeps complaining I am not with him enough if you know what I mean. Nothing makes sense. So now he is going to call me for a second when he gets home.
He does not trust me. I guess there is nothing I can do. I am not a cheater. I have been so, so devoted to him. I don't see how he can't know it.
My family is large and no one wants to talk about him with me anymore.
They are tired of it.

I left my daughter with my mom cuz she did not want to come with me to the store last week. I say him on his route and he just said. You dropped off your daughter to go sleep with her father didn't you? I said why would I be with him now when nothing has happened for years. I love you.
He won't believe me.

3:53 pm
July 9, 2004


sixfootblonde

New Member

posts -1

Klug, yes I see why you feel so lost and helpless, as you asked above.

It is the same as it has been and it will stay that way until you do something about it. If you do not like being treated like this, leave him. Otherwise, get used to it.

I am sorry to be blunt but it's just that simple. Yes, it ultimately is. At some point you have to have some pride and some self esteem and you have to walk away.

This is a song I heard today, the lyrics screamed out at me. What do you think of this idea expressed in the song, the looking out for and respecting of self just like you would for another person?

Sorry To Myself

For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and over-functioning
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me
For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For my self-love being so embarassingly conditional
for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
for trying to fit a rectangle into a hole
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me
I'm sorry to myself
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself
For treating me worse than I would anybody else
For blaming myself for your unhappiness
for my impatience when I was perfect where I was
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
For expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be
To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me And
I'm sorry to myself
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself
For treating me worse than I would anybody else
Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself…
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter
I would've naturally loved the former
For ignoring you: my highest voices
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious
For being so disassociated from my body,
for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me
I'm sorry to myself
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself
For treating me worse than I would anybody else
I'm sorry to myself
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself
For treating me worse than I would anybody else

4:29 pm
July 9, 2004


klug

New Member

posts -1

That is a telling song.
You are not the first person to say get used to it or take it. It is getting worse. He is saying I said things I did not say. He is thinking more things I did not do. I am starting to think I am going crazy.

I can't be accused anymore. If I stay I will become a nothing. He will use me up and spit me out. That will be my future. If I had the strength to leave I would miss him so very much and what would I miss? Him, why I don't know.

4:51 pm
July 9, 2004


sixfootblonde

New Member

posts -1

He is making you think you are crazy. Who is the one reacting to imaginary acts? Who is the one with delusional behavior? Who is out of touch with reality? Him, dear, not you.

Do you really think you would miss him, the real him, the him that is making you feel crazy? Or would you miss what you wanted him to be, what you keep hoping he will somehow magically become?

You know it's not gonna happen right? And that every day you stay, you lose a little more of yourself?

5:01 pm
July 9, 2004


klug

New Member

posts -1

Yes he is saying I said my daughter's father was on vacation when I did not so it fits into his theory that I could have been with him that day..It is nuts!!

I have wanted him to come around for months now. I am so hurt again. The worst thing is he would expect me to overlook it to be with him later tonight and I can't. I am hurt and being horribly accused. If I am not with him I will just hear more about that.
He is just playing on my guilt so much.
If I did not lie none of this would be happening according to him. For gods sake I told him the truth later that should have been the end of it. I told him why and everything. I AM NOT A CHEATER. I HAVE BEEN PAINFULLY LOYAL TO HIM. Doesn't he see it hurts me when he accuses me?

6:18 pm
July 9, 2004


Citrus peel

New Member

posts -1

Klug

I have been reading your story from the beginning. My husband is an addict, and after years of hoping he would get better and going through Hell, I finally left. Leaving was the best thing that ever happened. It was not easy to leave, I flirted with the idea for a long time. All the craziness that surrounded him is now gone from my life. What really has helped is going to support meetings.

The reason I felt compelled to finally write to you is that I feel that you would find help through some 12 step program; they address all life's ills.

You deserve so much more.

I promise you the longer that you are away from this man, the easier it will be.

6:50 pm
July 9, 2004


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Klug,

It is not often that I use strong language, as I find I can generally get my point across in a better fashion.

However, in this case. The next time he calls, e-mails, stops by, sky dives onto your windshield as you are driving down the road… repeat after me:

"FUCK YOU"

And leave it at that. Why, are you still tolerating this lunatic? He would be so far removed from my mind, thoughts and person right now, I would have to search my feeble mind for any memory of him.

Good God woman, what more humilation to you want to put up with from him.

Remember, say it, say it loud, and hang up the damned phone.

Why are you still bothering with even replying to him?

Don't tell me it is because you love him, this is NOT love.

Z.

7:28 pm
July 9, 2004


klug

New Member

posts -1

Well, Citrus Peel that must have taken great courage. I will look into something.
Zinnie,
You have been through this whole thing with me. I will try to do what is right for me. As you can see it is just getting worse. I can't take being thought of so horribly.
I will let you know.
Thanks all.
I am scared though. I know it is not right but it will be hard.
~me

8:53 pm
July 9, 2004


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Klug I was just wondering what you would say to a close friend that came to you saying the same things? What would your thoughts be if you seen it beeing done to a dear friend of yours?

12:36 am
July 10, 2004


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Hi Klug,

I'm not trying to be mean or rough on you – but, as Smiles says what would you say if someone treated your daugther this way?

This man does not love you, and like the half dead mouse, you are still entertaining.

It will only stop when YOU put a stop to it.

Until then, he will continue to play with you.

8:48 am
July 10, 2004


klug

New Member

posts -1

I would tell a close friend that they deserve better and to run as fast as they can. This person does not appreciate them.

8:52 am
July 10, 2004


Citrus peel

New Member

posts -1

Klug,

Honestly, who cares what he thinks of you. When you get down the road a few months, you will wonder why you even cared. If you can, find a way to get out of town next week, since you are on vacation, and keep the cell phone off.

7:47 am
July 12, 2004


eve

New Member

posts -1

Klug, you wrote "If I had the strength to leave I would miss him so very much and what would I miss? Him, why I don't know. "

I think it is worth to think about this some more. What is it that you like about him? Is he a great lover, is he fun to be whith? Is he financially dependable, a good role model for your daughter, romantic, helpful, considerate? There must be (or have been) something good about your relationship. Do some thorough thinking about what the good things are, what the bad things are, and how you will weigh them. Often we make a lot of the warm and cushy feelings up in our head – being in love feels wonderful, but if there is no real reality to sustain the feeling, it will burst like a bubble and leave only hurt.

Go on, make that list. You can even try to make it here. Whats good and whats bad about your relationship, about him, about you, when you are together whith him.

11:40 am
July 12, 2004


sixfootblonde

New Member

posts -1

Or is it just the challenge? The need to prove to him that he is wrong? I don't mean in a spiteful way but perhaps even subconciously. After all, you wanted to love this man and you are now in a sick game … there must be something you are getting out of it, something that keeps making you go back in to be humiliated. You don't even need to post it here, just examine what it could be and go from there. I really really wish you could see things from out here, klug.

I don't know how much plainer to say it — there is no person on this planet that will ever have the right to treat another as this male (not a man, surely!) is treating you. What is making you continue to live like this? What?

1:24 pm
July 16, 2004


klug

New Member

posts -1

We made a deal that if he brings up the cheating again, we are over. This has been a few days and so far that has not occured. In the meantime yesterday I cooked all afternoon for him and my daughter to have a nice meal together. My daughters father called to say goonight to her. So my daughter did not mention that someone else was here. Well after she hung up I just told her it was okay for her to tell her dad that someone was here etc. She has sensed that sometimes it has bothered her dad in the past when she mentions my relationship with him.
So I was just making sure my little one was not uncomfortable. Well of course my boyfriend did not like it. He felt uncomfortable cuz I told her that. He said he felt unwanted and did left. Then last night he called and said we were over again for that and a bunch of other reasons again. He even brought up the lie again.
I told him I was just making sure Krysta was okay with telling her dad the truth like she has always done. He should feel the opposite of unwanted.
So today, I do not know how to be without him. I feel so horrible. I don't understand. I cooked all afternoon to show him how I felt.
Why does he have to do this.
He just really wants gone from me.
When I said it would be the hardest thing for me to do, but I would do it if he wanted me too, he said, THANK YOU. Someone is thanking me for letting them leave me. He said he does not want me to talk them out of it. All of a sudden he thinks he can do better with someone with no kids. He has three. How can he say this.
Anyway, I feel like I belong in an asylum. What is wrong with me?
I just want to talk to him to feel better. Why?
He does not want me.

6:32 pm
July 19, 2004


whatalife

New Member

posts -1

Gosh! I'm going through this myself.
Constantly having to defend myself.
I am in love with 'my guy', but our relationship is so 'chaotic', one day he loves me, the next day he thinks I'm cheating on him. He also has pascodes to my email, my voicemail and checks everything I do. Everyone who calls me. I want things to work out, really I do sincerely love this person, but during a split of several months he became aware that i was talking to another guy. We got back together and he says he can never trust me again. I would never put up with this when I was very young, pretty and confident and stronger emotionally. Am I unrealistic? Can this work? What can I say or do? Think i've tried everything, but I probably haven't. He also gets very angry at me because I'm somewhat passive or at least he thinks I am.
Do I have to prove something about myself or to him to make this work ?

6:39 pm
July 19, 2004


whatalife

New Member

posts -1

Please ALL advice and opinions welcome. I'm going out of my mind over this. Thanks to all.

7:14 pm
July 19, 2004


gingerleigh

New Member

posts -1

His behavior is controlling and abusive, whatalife. You feel like you are spinning, and you should. His behavior is crazy-making. Thing is, only you can stop it by not putting up with it. You are a human being with a right to privacy, just like everyone else. You don't check his voicemail and email, do you? Maybe tell him that if he is going to check up on you that you also want to be able to do the same. Perhaps his tune will change.

My advice? Change your passwords. (I'd change the locks on my door too while I was at it, but that's another story.) He doesn't trust you anyway. I wonder, with his lack of trust in you, could he be projecting his own untrustworthiness onto you to detract from his own shortcomings?

7:19 pm
July 19, 2004


annastar

New Member

posts -1

Dear Whatalife! I am not sure I have any answers, but would like to hear more about your friend.

Dear Plug! I am going trough exactly same thing you are. I did my cooking for him, I did waiting, and endless “Whys”…I realized that the reason why in my story is that He making plans he can not fallow, because some one else. He think- he will come over, start over- what ever, but then he can not make it, he feels bad, trying to excuse himself…Are you sure- your b/f has no Mistress/Goddess on a background? You see- he talking about cheating. He freaks out when you telling some one else that he is with you. He said- he want some one with out children, because- child may say some thing he does not want to be known and he has no control over the child. He feels guilty when you doing nice things for him- he left, after you were cooking all day for him- I would say- of guilt. And important: he definitely using high quality manipulations on you to keep you in comtrol, wile you are in control any way. So why is he need to control you so much? Can it be that he is afraid of some thing? Afraid that some one else with find out- he seeing you?

12:10 pm
July 26, 2004


klug

New Member

posts -1

whatalife,
I totally understand what you are going through because that is my life too. I am reading a book. "How to break and addition to a person", it has helped me see a lot of other people are like us. I think that is the only reason we stay. Our highs are never so high but our lows with these people are just to much to bear.

I have tried to break up with the person I was engaged to. I go back and things go back to I am cheating if I am dressed up. I am lying. I am wrong. It is my fault we are not where we should be. I am one step away from losing my insanity and fighting will all I have to be able to leave him for good. I am 38 and not young myself. I am trying to think more of myself. They have a problem. Our problem is staying with them. It will only get worse and what of ourselves will we have left. It is just not worth it anymore.


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