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Great man- but he "can't" be faithful!

UserPost

3:18 pm
February 15, 2005


renee1972

New Member

posts -1

I am living with a man now for several years,we do love each other and we have a 2 year old son together, and he is buying his dads house and I am moving with him, before we moved in together in our first house- he kept going back with his ex-girlfriend for a stupid -little fling now and then, not a long term thing, but an indescretion non-the less! I caught him on it EVERY time –we've been living together now 3 years, and I caught him with this girl again 6 months ago. I left and took our baby and went to hotel–He came and talked me into coming home, we nearly broke up over it. He admits he feels that he has some "right" to cheat, because we are not married. And yet, he would freak out if I did it. What gives here??? Why can't he see that its wrong married or not!?!? (we have the married life, mind you!)I cook and care for him I am 100% devoted to him…I am always there when he needs me. I NEVER ever was a nosey person before but because of the pain he has inflicted on me
he has made it impossible for me to let my guard down., I ALWAYS sense when he is up to something, I know the pattern.. I can smell the perfume I can sense changes in his behavoir, it all makes me check up on him because I need to protect myself!! I don't deserve this!!
The last time I caught him I found her phone number labeled with a male friends name (i memorized the number)and when I confront him about it (its always my fault for catching him, right?) when I left and stayed at the hotel he swore he knew what he was doing was wrong and that he wouldn't do it again.
So we tried again,I came home.. he told me he'd delete her number and wouldn't see her again. I swore to myself if this happened again ..that would be it, no matter what I would leave.
Well, in November, he hurt his back really bad, he could barely walk, was in tons of pain and could barely walk, couldn't lift anything.. could hardly get dressed.
I needed to quit work because he couldn't work anymore to help with daycare.
I stayed home and not only ran the house and took care of the baby.. but I took care of him, he sat in a wheelchair sometimes, I helped him get around, everything in his life was uncomfortable and I tried my best to make him comfortable. day & night. I was his nurse and his gopher.. without me he'd be totally alone and helpless.
I took him to his epidural shots and carried his semi-conscious (and heavy) body out to the car, I stayed up with him nights when he would cry and stood along side him through all the suffering and pain, then his father died, with me holding one of his hands and him holding the other, I stood there right next to him and encoraged him to
be strong,his "ex" even came to the viewing, even though I myself were ripped with pain and stress, I was polite to her, I even hugged her. (I felt sick)
the day after his dads funeral, his dog died, I took care of the dog, I took her to the vet, I struggled with her sickness and her care, since he couldn't walk her or lift her.
He also couldn't lift our son so all the responsibility of his care was soley on me.
I helped him and talked him through with encoragement through all his failed therapies and dissapointments, I was exhausted, and emotionally drained from all of the pressure.
I took him to the hospital for a surgery that could fix him- I paced back and forth,I wouldn't eat.
there were complications they were not telling me, they wouldn't take him to his recovery room, it took hours, I paced and cried. Finally I got to see him, 8 hours later. He was going to be ok, the operation was a success!
He came home the next day, within less than a few weeks he had recovered, and was standing up straight, he slowly began coming off of the meds. He swore that he had learned a lesson being down and hurt, that he knew what was important in life, and would be a better person, he praised me to others that I was great that he couldn't have made it without me.
Well… the other night I was sick, and couldn't sleep and was playing… thats it…playing with the video phone feature and picture assignments on his cell phone, when I tried to assign an image to one of his business contacts,
"asphalt care" …well GUESS WHOS number was in there?? And a call was made Saturday.. after 411.. which means he had to look it up!! It seems that within a week or so of being totally off the meds, and he had his "libido" back, he immediately FORGOT everything he promised, and started this again.
Never mind all I had done for him.
I confronted him about it… and no matter what ,, HE BLAMED ME.
He told me it was over… I ..who now had nothing because I became dependant on him..
has to leave to fend on my own because I CAUGHT him preparing to do it again.
We fought (this is valentines morning) he tells ME he can't live like this anymore.. with my spying. I found it BY ACCIDENT.
Does his promises mean NOTHING?? Can I believe anything he says??
My stomach is a mess. I was so hopeful, for the future, his back was better it really seemed like he appreciated me for the real,selfless, devoted person that I am… but the second he was better he went behind my back again.
Why? We made up again, he brought me flowers and a note that said "we've been through so much.. lets keep it going."
There is so much good between us ..but I don't want to keep HIM AND HER going.. I am losing my patience being nice.. if I catch him again I am going to hurt them both.

3:37 pm
February 15, 2005


eve

New Member

posts -1

renee,

I'm sorry for your pain. But I'm afraid he is not going to change this behaviour. So it is your decision if you put up with it, or leave him. Some people are able to have an "open" relationship, but in my experience this most often means that one of the partners is in pain, because he/she is not feeling ok with the infidelity.

I can't give you any advice what to do. But I think it is unlikely that he will change.

3:37 pm
February 15, 2005


eve

New Member

posts -1

renee,

I'm sorry for your pain. But I'm afraid he is not going to change this behaviour. So it is your decision if you put up with it, or leave him. Some people are able to have an "open" relationship, but in my experience this most often means that one of the partners is in pain, because he/she is not feeling ok with the infidelity.

I can't give you any advice what to do. But I think it is unlikely that he will change.

3:41 pm
February 15, 2005


Worried_Dad

Member

posts 41

renee,

tell him he has the right to find another partner then.

Look, Just spell it out for him–monogamy or the highway.

3:46 pm
February 15, 2005


CAMER

Member

posts 100

I agree with WD….and the more you take him back the more he will do this to you. Do not allow this man to cheat on you, you have choices, dump him…and find a faithful man….there are men out there that can be faithful and not be manipulators like this guy.

4:44 pm
February 15, 2005


renee1972

New Member

posts -1

If I leave,.. I have nothing, no where to go, no money, no credit, I love him with all my heart.
Is there some kind of counseling for men who have this problem?? Its like he is an alcholic or something.
He can't see that this is wrong!
He is in denial!
Our life is wonderful.. except for this…
I'm not all about money, but I want whats best for my children, and I can't afford to give them alone what we can together.

5:20 pm
February 15, 2005


woundedspirit

New Member

posts -1

RENEE…You also cant "afford" the emotional cost of what his cheating is doing to YOU and ultimately your kids as well. Its soooo much easier said than done. My ex doesnt "cheat" per se but its always women "friends" that he cant be honest and open about so it feels the same. And I never can move on. Always want to believe he's changing. Not being married is NOT justification! is his name John?? :0) because the fact that he turns your catching him into the bigger issue is MY EX to a T!! It is ALWAYS my fault he did it somehow because I dont trust him and catch him. Does that make any kind of sense whatsover? He is alwasy the one breaking up with me and always because I caught him and Im so terrible for being hurt by it. How can you trust him? I know how hard it is to trust and I know that feeling that you need to check up on his story to see if he is being trustworthy. My ex theory…I need to first TRUST HIM BEFORE he can feel "safe" enough to be honest. I tell him, if he wants to be trusted, he first needs to show himself to be trustworthy. Since you have kids, if you can move out, I think you should be also try to get him to go to councelling. You do so much for him that I hope he will realize that and it will be worth it to him to learn to stop doing this hurtful thing to you. He sounds way to comfortable with it right now and seems to know he can do what he wants and still have you there for him. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Take his cake and ask for the councelling. Atleast your willing! I hope you can be stronger than me!

5:28 pm
February 15, 2005


artist 2

New Member

posts -1

What the hell??? he's a good man, but he screws around on you… Doesn't sound good to me. Why are you putting up with this? That seems to be the real question.

5:56 pm
February 15, 2005


tracylyn

New Member

posts -1

You're title says "great man" but nothing in the thread would say great man to me.

He's taken advantage of you, used you, cheated on you…..

It's hard but nothing is worth what this man is doing to you.

You need to take a good long look at what you wrote. What would you say to your best friend or your son when he's an adult if someone treated them this way?

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Are your needs getting met?

How long has it been since you've been happy? Really happy?

What does love mean to you?

Good luck to you.

t

3:32 pm
February 17, 2005


renee1972

New Member

posts -1

You're all right. ITS NOT RIGHT what he does. Not right at all.
In the worst "between a rock and a terrible hard place" anyone could be.

When I said he's a "great" man, I meant it. Otherwise theres NO WAY I would put up with this.
EVERYTHING in our life is great BUT-"", we are happy and we get along terrific… and then she pops up everytime she doesn't have a boyfriend and he tells me he's going to "A" but goes to "B" (about twice a year)I ALWAYS find out.

I've met her she is NOT all that attractive.. with a kitchen-witch face. AND SHE HATES SEX does this make sense???
I don't know if this makes me feel better or worse????

He's a great provider, he doesn't drink, he's home nearly every night…
we laugh alot,we have everything a marriage should be but the marriage!
He treats me good, he's caring and giving.. BUT "!"

I sent him a copy of the posting I put above, here in email,(no link!)I need to vent somewhere! plus a few other poignant notes about God taking away his "Miracle" if he doesn't straighten out..it brought him to tears..we are talking through it and we seem to be on the right path to working this out once and for all.

I suggest we see a conselour.. and suggested he needs some kind of mild drug therapy to control his "urges",(I am NOT kidding) that would still allow US to have a love life, because when he was on neuratin he behaved. Is this stupid??

I really feel sick about this every time it happens… and whats really sad about this.. do I throw away everything thats great in our lives because of this one thing?? I'm not perfect either, (whoa,I hate to clean)
I really just don't what to do… because if I leave I really have to struggle like a mad woman.
An "Open marriage" would not work for me…unless maybe I took the drugs!

Our lives have moved WAY beyond the "dating" level. So there is no way this is acceptable behavoir!

If it were at all in me… I'm 13 years younger than him, I could grab myself a boyfriend and see how HE likes it.. but I know it's wrong for me to do that.

ugh.

3:39 pm
February 17, 2005


Cici

New Member

posts -1

Stop blaming her.

This guy is NOT great, but you've gone a long way convincing yourself that he is.

Lie to everyone else, if you have to – but don't lie to yourself.

Once a cheater always a cheater. You know that as well as I do.

You know, struggling is good sometimes – you feel better about what you achieve. It's hard, but you feel healthier about yourself, your life…

If you stay with him, your son will learn that this type of behavior is acceptible, because that's the model he sees. At least for the sake of your child's mental health…get help for yourself so you can find the strength to disentangle yourself from this awful situation.

3:47 pm
February 17, 2005


jko

New Member

posts -1

Let me share something with you. I have dated this guy for 10 years. He started dating me when he was living with another woman. I was 24 at the time and thought it was fun and exciting to screw around. He moved out, and was supposedly into me, although I wondered why I was never invited over to his house, or to do things on the weekend, etc. Then, I bought his condo, he lived with me for about 6 months. Halfway into those 6 months, I found a cash machine receipt on my t.v. stand for five a.m. at an address that was in another neighborhood in the city. I asked him about it, and he acted like it was no big deal (Oh, and I had been out of town that night). For four years, I knew exactly who he was cheating on me with, where she lived, where she worked, what she looked like, and even called her. He had her so wrapped around his finger, he must have told her I was crazy, nuts, and to ignore my phone call to her. Yet, he continued to see and sleep with me, and her. Then, they broke up. I only know this because he got cancer and felt as if he had to cleanse his soul. However, I found out, in between the time he dumped her, was still sleeping with me, he had numerous sleep over dates with numerous other women. He has fully recovered from cancer (guess where he got it, by the way….) and is being mister nice guy – with a caveot. He will continue to sleep with women when he wants, where he wants and who he wants to. If I want to join them, I am welcome. He's even asked me to find women for him. He wants me to sleep with other men, too because he said it will turn him on.

I am 34 years old and will not, CANNOT live like this anymore. That's why I joined this site. It sounds like your man wants to have his cake and eat it too. My advice is for you to get out. it'll hurt like heck, but you will have saved your soul. I came close to losing mine.

3:48 pm
February 17, 2005


CAMER

Member

posts 100

also as you said, He is in denial…and so are you!! cuz you put up with this behavior…yes, maybe he has some sort of sexual addiction, but only he can want to fix this, if he doesn't then this will be your life say 5 or 6 years down the road, him screwing other women. Not good.
Try for counseling, and make sure that he is willing to go for himself, not just cuz you want him to go…he has to WANT to get better. I wish you luck!

4:26 pm
February 17, 2005


tracylyn

New Member

posts -1

You have a awful lot of "buts" in your post.

He's great but…

We have a great marriage but….

Everything in our life is great but….

There should be NO buts!!! I agree with Cici, you need to stop blaming her. It takes 2. And if he would tell her point blank don't ever call me again…maybe she wouldn't. However, you already stated that he called 411 and got her numbers so that wasn't her calling him when she didn't have a boyfriend. That was all him.

She doesn't like sex??? Did she tell you this or did he. Of course he'll tell you things like that to throw you off and keep you wondering.

Please take a long look at what is going on. Way too many buts……

4:29 pm
February 17, 2005


Cici

New Member

posts -1

HE sounds like a master manipulator….and you keep going back for more?!?

5:07 pm
February 17, 2005


Big heart

New Member

posts -1

It almost sounds like to me that you want some validation. Like your hoping some one will say to you that things will get better, he will change, if you just stick in there and give all you can give he will eventually appreciate you. It will never happen! We have all dated a man like this. He is having his cake and eating it too. A couple tears, some flowers an apology and he gets you back everytime. If you can go out and sleep with anyone you want and all you have to do is kiss butt to your girlfriend for a couple days it might be worth it to him. Let me say it is worth it to him cause thats what he keeps doing. He's not thinking of you or your feelings at all. Maybe he is a great man but he is awful as a boyfriend. Im sure your also probibly thinking about all the time and energy you have put into this. How comfortable you are, how finacially stable the both of you are togeather, the " good times". Ya, I know…its hard! But you gota get out because the longer you stay the harder it gets. You have to believe you desereve better or you will settel for his crap and keep convincing yourself everything will be fine because without telling yourself that how could you possibly be ok with a man like this? If you choose to believe his lies your going to start feeling worse about yourself because in a sense your lying to yourself cause you already know the truth. Treat yourself with honesty and respect and others will have no other choice but to treat you the same. Best of luck to you.

5:25 pm
February 17, 2005


woundedspirit

New Member

posts -1

jko…WOW! That is really selfish of him. For me, my ex just hangs out with women "friends" that he wont let me meet and claims they dont have sex and I know that that is hard enough to deal with and hurtful. Renee…if he will get councelling and open his eyes to how hurtful it is…Im still of the mind set that with the kids, Id give that chance. Its hard but maybe he should move out in the meantime until you see how it goes. Maybe that will help open his eyes so he will take you seriously. After all, it seems that up until this point he has gotten away with it and must be conditioned to thinking he can do it and you will still be there for him to fall back on.

2:20 pm
February 18, 2005


renee1972

New Member

posts -1

Well…

Guess asking for an unbiased opinion here is not possible.

You can all easily say "leave him" because you are not in my shoes.

It doesn't affect you in the least bit.

Those of you who've been there understand.

The one who wants you to find other women for him is a bit NUTS if you ask me.. unless you are bisexual yourself… don't get sucked into that! Thats going TOO far.

Let me tell you about my EX…
heres a SHORT list of his problems.
He was a drunk who refused to get help and used to get up and spit on me in the middle of the night,(not knowing where he was) then stumble into the closet and pee on his shoes,thinkin it was the bathroom.

He had a beer in his hand from the moment he got home from work until he passed out everynite… it took me HOURS to wake him up for work everyday…when he was late he'd blame ME.

He would scream at me, throw things at me…accuse me of sleeping with my own brother! He'd jump out of a moving vehicle to start a fight if he thought the car next to us was "looking at him funny" every holiday was a nightmare, the police were always there.. once he disabled my car, lock himself in the basement and cut the power to the house while his children and ours cowered in the dark and had to call the police to get a ride out of there, cause my car was dismantled.
He threw up on himself and nearly choked to death, so I cleared his airway and did CPR to save his life,,,
it was the last straw.

Then I finally got the guts to leave him.

Everyone thought he was the greatest guy… while this is what I lived with at home. Noone believed me.. until they saw him drunk themselves.
Yeah, I loved him…cause when he was sober he was wonderful.
Well.. there were way too many BUTTS there as well.

Kenny is a sweet good natured soul., who is a sexual idiot once in a blue moon. I can't friggin win.
It YES it is partially HER fault.. she knows better.

Ken and I decided to go to therapy and he knows that I am entirely too smart to sneak any of this by.
I am not a fool, my head is not in the sand.. its not like I am in denial or that he is.. because now it is all out on the table.

This has helped me to possibly save what otherwise is a good relationship.

No MAN is perfect… look at what I dealt with with my ex.

If this is the least of our problems…
praise the lord.

6:19 pm
February 18, 2005


woundedspirit

New Member

posts -1

Renee…No PERSON is perfect so its just a matter of what your own tolerance level is. Im SOOOOOO HAPPY for you that he is willing to go to councelling!! It says alot about him. And Im glad your giving him that chance. Those good qualities are hard to give up, especially when you know what else is out there. It definitely doesnt mean you deserve him doing that to you but then, its obvious from your posts that you realize that and are no longer willing to just sit back and take it. Please keep us posted on how it goes!! I for one and very excited at that sliver of hope for you!

10:37 am
February 19, 2005


Gurl

New Member

posts -1

A book entitled Out of the Shadows deals with sex addictions and co-addicts, people who love sex addicts These are painful admissions but when my s. husband admitted he was a sex addict it helped me feel less crazy , not my fault, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. Sex addiction is a terrible sickness but so is my addiction to him… I am going to counselling and he says he is also but my fantasies of us living happily ever after are diminishing because he is so dead set against it. He doesn't want that. He wants to be free to do as he pleases without guilt…

7:02 pm
February 20, 2005


peacesoul

New Member

posts -1

Rennee…I hate to burst your bubble, but he is a master manipulator.
I just got out of the EXACT same situation as you are describing here.
I was with this dirt bag for over 2 years. He was the MOST wonderful guy when I met him. He was evrything I every wanted. Well it took me one full year to realize he was a sex addict. When I caught him cheating, he broke up with me. I was in shock. I was devastated for 3 long months. Well guess what, when he was done with his harem of other women, he called me back and begged (and I mean BEGGED) for me back swearing he was a changed man. Well I did not know anything about codependace then nor did I think he was a sex addict then, so what did I do? I took him back on his word that he would change.
Well a few months went by and I started to snoop. And I found TONS of stuff. Not only was he a sex addict but a very disturbed person. He was into S&M and other gross shit. Well I confonted him on everything and he would always swear he will stop and has changed and like a F*CKING fool, I believed him everytime. Well he quit doing drugs and was on his road to recovery all the while I was still living like a crazy person still snooping and and always wondering…..so this past jan, I found out he was doing drugs again, confronted him and he told me I need to stay out of his privaye life…So when I finally told him I was not going to take his addictions anymore, well guess what he did? The BIGGEST FAVOR of my life, he dumped me again telling me I was too much into his personal life. Imagine this was a guy I was going to marry !
Rennee…these men never change. He will always cheat and lie. It's not that he is a jerk-off, he is sick. He is a sick person that sufferes from a behavior disorder. They cannot help but lie and cheat.
Rennee, you have have the codependancy illness and you need to work on yourself. You will be a frail sick person at the end of this if you stay and believe me, I know how hard it is to leave, he had to dump me again for me to open my eyes.
it's been 6 weeks now and I am still hurting, but I am also healing. This pain I am feeling is a "sane" pain and guess what, this pain will go away.
good luck and think of you and your child..he is dirt my friend !

3:22 pm
February 21, 2005


woundedspirit

New Member

posts -1

Renee…how are things going? have you started councelling yet. Dont get discouraged. You have to take it on a person to person basis. Just because someone else's never changed doesnt mean yours cant. As long as he sees that he needs to change it and is giving it a genuine effort and you can SEE that he is. Its all about progress. Do you see any? Is he willing to make an effort to rebuild the trust or just expecting you to trust again blindly? Councelling sounds like effort to me.

3:30 pm
February 21, 2005


Cici

New Member

posts -1

Oh hun, I'm sorry you're wrapped up in this. I mean, I hope it all works out and that you find what you're looking for.

IMHO, if you spend all your time working on "the relationship" – then it really isn't a relationship at all. It took me a while to figure that one out, though. Now, I am unwilling to compromise on anything. I'd rather be alone than working hard on helping someone else figure out their issues. No more CODEP.!!!

1:57 am
February 22, 2005


woundedspirit

New Member

posts -1

Renee…are you still here? I know you were seeming very frusterated but Im thinking of you and wondering how things are going


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