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Feeling jealous for no reason, why ???
August 10, 2006
2:14 pm
atalose
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September 24, 2010
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I do not understand where my feelings of jealousy are coming from.
I am not a jealous person, I don’t envy things other people have, I am
happy for them. I get these feelings only when it comes to my partner
and what I perceive as a threat of losing him. He has never given me any
reason to think this way, he is always loving and caring but these feelings
seem to pop up from no where or from stupid little things. I get jealous of
him talking to other woman, or looking at other woman. Last night
I found myself getting jealous because he went to dinner with his friend
and his friends girlfriend. I was tied up with family but felt left out
when he told me they all went out. Why is this happening
and why am I drifting into feeling like he’s going to find someone else. I don’t
like feeling this way and I keep trying to stop myself, but it’s driving me crazy.

Atalose ~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~
August 10, 2006
2:35 pm
StronginHim77
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atalose -

Can you get into therapy? What you are describing sounds like emotional "neediness" and this will make a healthy man run screaming in the opposite direction, eventually. You need some help in understanding what has made you so insecure, so that the pattern gets broken and your relationship survives.

- Strong

August 10, 2006
2:40 pm
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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I have the same kinds of symptoms, but unfortunately, I pick unhealthy partners who do things to "provoke" these type reactions.

but I know that mine comes from abandonment issues.

mom attempted suicide twice in my lifetime - the second time was traumatic, as I was 11 and found her - and life changed ALOT because of this.

Also, my dad is emotionally unavailable, so I am clingy and need constant reassurance because I don't trust that anyone loves me or CAN love me....was always told nobody would love me or want me and never had any positive parenting, or teaching me how to be confident and have good self esteem.

I really didn't need therapy to figure this out, I kind of got it on my own.

But I DID need therapy and support preventing me from picking lousy guys again....I think I have finally "arrived", and will be 35 this year...took that long to "undo" the damage.

August 10, 2006
3:00 pm
atalose
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Strong, I am in therapy but have not talked about this as it is only realy surfacing these past few days. But I am going to bring it up.
Rising brings up some points, I am wondering if my feelings have anything to do with my ex husband being so distant and emotionaly unavailable, it lead to divorce.

Atalose ~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~
August 10, 2006
3:51 pm
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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when our partners are distant and unavailable, we struggle to understand why.

and if they don't provide us with answers, we end up with our own "imagined" answers.

and if we are insecure, we can easily "imagine" that our partners are cheating on us, and that's GOT to be the reason they are unavailable and distant....or some other "worse case scenario".

for me, I never truly understood what drove my mother to attempt suicide. I fully understand it NOW, but in my early years, I "knew", but couldn't "grasp it". And my father was always so mean to me.

My father used to threaten us kids that if we didn't behave we'd be the reason mom tried to kill herself again and perhaps she would succeed this time and it would be our fault.

I used to HATE him for manipulating me like that.

truth is, which I came to terms with in my late 20's, dad BELIEVED this, because he didn't understand the truth behind mom's illness. So, he IMAGINED the worst, and walked on eggshells trying to prevent it from happening.

So, perhaps in your mind, if you perceive your partner pulling back, cheating is the worse case scenario that comes to your mind....did anyone ever cheat on you or did someone in your family do it?

also, I think that part of the problem may be that you "resent" that he got to go out and have fun with his friends, while you went out with your family.....you may not have been jealous of the woman, per se, but that he got to go out, while you were tied to another responsibility.

I get irritable in those kinds of situation....the little kid in me wants to stomp my feet and shout "no fair"....like I did as a kid when my brother got to do fun things and I had to go babysit and make money....life was always "no fair" for me....I wasn't allowed to have fun and my brother got to have all the fun....so that part of my inner child was never healed and it lashes out once in a while when I feel like I am missing out on something "good".

just rambling, but figured you may find some answers in there somewhere.

August 10, 2006
4:02 pm
doubleloss
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how do we know that we are being needy vs. picking up vibes {red flags). My xbf said i was jealous and was his reason for breaking up with me. Now, strong says that a healthy partner would run for their lifes if encountered a partner like that.

For me jealousy has been when I am feeling insecure, where the trust is shaky. I was very jealous when I first met my exhusband, but as I learned to trust him that went away. Xbf didn't give the time I needed to trust him fully, his occassional ogling did not help either.

alaose, i hope that you find your answers, for what you comment you are very aware of events that might had happened to you that triggers those feelings. I'll prey so you find your answers and the strength to deal with the jealousy, and also that your husband is there for you and supports you in your journey of growth and self-discovery

August 10, 2006
4:12 pm
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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well, see that's just it, when guys give us reason to feel insecure, it pushes our "hot buttons".

you said your xbf occasionally oggled - so that set you off....if he hadn't oggled, perhaps you wouldn't feel so insecure.

time DOES build trust - so any guy who pushes you to trust him from the get go, is bound to be trouble.

relationships build SLOWLY and in time.......healthy ones anyway.

as for you being needy vs real red flags....the ONLY way you can know is to "fix" the insecurity, fix the neediness, so that you KNOW that your gut is telling you the truth and you KNOW that you are seeing red flags.

if you know you are secure and confident, you will know that you are seeing REAL red flags and trust what you see.

if you are insecure, then you may fall for self doubt when your partner (who may in fact be untrustworthy) says you are just insecure and that you need to trust him more....most master manipulators KNOW that you are insecure and use that to their advantage....that's why they choose you - because they spot the weakness a mile away.

you need to fix that weakness first before you can expect to have a healthy relationship.

and EVEN if you fix it, there's no guarantee you won't be taken advantage of....cuz true con artists can be sooooooooooo slick, you don't see it coming, nobody does....they know what they are doing....they are out there....and the only defense is being as healthy and aware as you can be.

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