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Fear of being replaced...???? hummm
November 26, 2008
11:47 am
atalose
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Fear of being replaced??????????

In reading a response on one of the threads someone mentioned staying in an unhappy relationship because of a fear of being replaced. And it got me thinking. I guess logically I might say, when you are being mistreated, verbally abused, belittled and degraded, why would you have fear that someone else would take on that role and give you the opportunity to escape.

Emotionally I understand low self esteem and jealousy but the reality is, those you fear will leave you are un-healthy people just as we are un-healthy because we remain in un-healthy relationships.

I think that everyone assumes that the (other person found) will be just like them, have the same needs as you etc. And you fear their relationship will be like yours only “better” impossible, 2 people bring 2 unique sets of needs, attitudes and behaviors to any relationship, no two are the ever the same. Un-healthy people bring un-healthy behavior, period, no matter who they end up with.

I think getting a hold of that fear, examining it further and logically thinking it out may help subside it.

But ultimately the question has to come back around to you and the person looking back at you in the mirror as to why you hold onto a dysfunctional relationship, why you feel you deserve this poor treatment, your actions of remaining say you will continue to tolerate it, especially if it’s only you working on trying to fix it.

Alcoholics/addicts don’t have relationships, they take hostages.

Atalose ~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~
November 26, 2008
11:54 am
It No Longer Matters
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Thanks you have given me something to think about. i miss the fun but I don't miss the drama and the sometimes embarrassment he caused.

Bitsy
November 26, 2008
12:43 pm
OopsADaisyFuentes
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atalose...I love your posts! they always get me thinking and help to put things in perspective. While alot of this is easier said than done..you are 100% right. I do deserve to be treated like the queen that i am! And settling for anything less than that..i have no one to blame but myself!

November 26, 2008
1:22 pm
StronginHim77
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Wow, Atalose...I LOVED what you shared: "Alcoholics/addicts don't have relationships; they take hostages!!!"

That is one of the clearest Truths I have ever read on these threads. FRAME-able!

Thanks for hitting the nail on the head. Having loved not just one -- but several -- alcoholic/addicts, I know firsthand that you have summed it up the sorry reality of caring for someone whose first love is his "fix of choice."

- Ma Strong

November 26, 2008
1:52 pm
red blonde
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I guess you have to sit down and think about what you are afraid of and of why you are staying in a situation or relationship that you are unhappy or miserable in.

Fear of: being replaced.

loss of security (financial or emotional)

loss of stability (knowing where you will live and how you will support yourself, your kids)

loss of material possessions and status.

being alone and lonely, not finding someone to 'fill' that empty spot

not knowing what your future will be like and unwillingness to take risks.

of not being loved or wanted.

There must be a lot of other fears as well....but they all have to do with the fear of leaving something 'familiar' and remaining unhappy because of the fear that there may not be anything 'better' in the future.

I went through all those fears for years staying in a very lonely and unhappy relationship before I tossed my xbf out. I would have probably stayed in the relationship if I had not caught him cheating with the wife of a couple whom I thought were very good friends...and her husband was one of his best friends and associates at work.

Do I still have some fears? Hell, yes...but those are only financial fears because of the economy today.

Am I happier and are things better without the xbf? All I can say is this: Hell, YES!

November 26, 2008
10:44 pm
bblue
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Fear of failure...
Ultimately responsible for everything we take on including impossible relationships...

I have not conquered that yet..
But thanks for the post - very thought provoking.

BBlue
November 27, 2008
6:30 pm
bblue
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By the way especially because I realize I am the one who said it...

BBlue
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