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Father Daughter relationship with my husband

UserPost

1:44 pm
December 27, 2006


babalouis

New Member

posts -1

My husband and I are in a second marriage. We have four grown, married children, and four grand children together. All is well except I am annoyed by the control tactics of one of his daughter's. She seems to need to have command of her Dad, often at the expense of me. Is it normal for a 32 yr old daughter to call her Dad every day at work? Though I try to accept, tolerate, etc. I feel, slighted, jealous, second-rate. We did not marry until all of our children were grown and on their own so I wouldn't be the wicked stepmother. I am afraid this behavior of hers is going to widen the gap between my husband and I. He is a wonderful person and so am I. I do not want to feel a competition for him with his daughter of all people! Any thoughts?

2:06 pm
December 27, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

I am wondering why would it interfere with your marriage if he talks to his daughter every day from work? How does this interfere if it done from work when you are not around? To me calling everyday would seem normal, to call 3 or 4 times would be excessive, but not a call everyday. I have a feeling it is more of a jealousy issue. and that is ok to be jealous some of the time. But worry if you feel it is excessive. You ahve a good man and maybe it is about having met him later in life and that you have missed out on everything before that. Feel good about today and tomorrow. I am sure you are #1 in his book.

2:17 pm
December 27, 2006


risingfromtheashes

st regis falls, ny

Member

posts 14

are there other things she does that makes you feel that way? examples?

2:56 pm
December 27, 2006


Matteo

New Member

posts 2

babalouis ~ hi, I wonder if you didn't see any signs of this when you were dating? No, I don't think it is normal to call daddy everyday when you are thirtysomething and should have a life on your own. I am dating and see a lot of men and women having their boundaries with their children blurried and confused so that's pretty common; however it doesn't make it right. It is up to your husband to put some boundaries between him and his daughter, after all he is the older adult and the parent there. I just wonder how come you didn't see it earlier.

2:59 pm
December 27, 2006


justhinking

New Member

posts -1

I am 33 and my dad came to stay with me for a month with his future wife that I just met and of course the tension is there but that's my dad and if that intimidates her in anyway that is something she would have to deal with. As for calling your father on an everyday basis should only make you feel good that he is loved by his children and wife. Age dosn't matter when it comes to parenting. I have to small children and I hope and pray that when they grow up they will keep close to me where ever I am. And if she is doing something to bother you other than phone calls and in order to keep peace and love you have to love what comes with the package of marriage including kids, grandkids, love, hate and jealousy and in due time it will work out with lots of patience.

3:37 pm
December 27, 2006


babalouis

New Member

posts -1

Thank you for your responses.
I do feel jealous at times. It is not only the private conversations where she calls him on his cell phone at work. He doesn't tell me she has called. That is ok at times, too. I feel, at times, it is almost lying by omission. This is affecting our trust and communication. If he is afraid to tell me because I don't always agree with her issues (and she has many)I can understand to a point. She is consistently late to family functions, rearranges set times because it isn'yt convenient, expects her dad and everyone else to be on her schedule, she needs to be the center of his attention, etc. I could go on & on with examples. I do not feel it is just my "jealousy."
I think a 32 year old woman should be seeking the ear of her husband, not her dad. I don't call him at work because I know he is a busy man. I guess if I am off base, I will have to reckon with it somehow. I have tried continually to overlook the rudeness, selfish behavior but is continues to re-surface. What I see coming out in her is the personality of her mother. My husband thought she was an evil woman, yet he does not recognize the similarity in his daughter. How can behaviors continually be excused? If it were me, I am certain I would be judged differently! I am not on a mission to interfere with a healthy father/daughter relationship. I simply would appreciate the respect and consideration I deserve. I would like my husband to stand behind me and to quit patronizing his daughter in such a way that it let's her off the hook. I would not hesitate to say something to my own daughters if they were indignant to my husband. I wonder if my husband is still feeling guilty about his divorce of 16 years ago and the affect it had on his late teen daughters. I say, get on with it! We each have two daughters – all in their 30's, all married, all doing well. Thanks for listening. I obviously have some sorting out to do. I am really having a time dealing with such a spoiled, selfish individual. Just not acceptable to me.

3:55 pm
December 27, 2006


Loralei

New Member

posts -1

I wouldn't worry about your husband's conversations with his daughter. That relationship is separate from your relationship with him. Just because our children grow up, it doesn't mean our special relationship with them comes to an end. If she takes up too much of his time at work, that is his issue to deal with, not yours.

Now, when his daughter's demands for you and your husband rearranging your schedule or plans to suit her wishes, then it's time for you to be firm. But pick your battles in this. If it really doesn't make any difference, then readjust your plans to make it easier for his daughter. But when it really is an inconvenience, then stand your ground and go ahead with your plans regardless of how it affects her. In other words, don't fight her just to spite her. Only when you have a legitimate reason to do so. That is the difference between acting out of jealousy, and not allowing yourself to be her doormat. Sometimes it's a fine line between the two.

4:11 pm
December 27, 2006


babalouis

New Member

posts -1

You have made some good points. Thank you for the help. I have never been on a site before. Today, I was feeling a bit desparate about my situation. I appreciate your viewpoints and take any advice to heart.

Thanks again. :)

4:20 pm
December 27, 2006


risingfromtheashes

st regis falls, ny

Member

posts 14

and understand that dad may feel that mom was an evil woman and is overcompensating to make up for it.

And he MAY feel responsible for her beahaviour and feels that perhaps if he gives her more of his time, she'll become a better person.

I don't think it's lying by ommision in this case…only because this isn't another "love interest" but his daughter from a previous marriage and honestly, she IS grown, doesn't live in your house, and therefor, their conversations have little to do with you, as harsh as that sounds. It is two adult relatives having a convo and I don't think that you really need to know everything and anything he says to anyone.

Do you expect him to tell you if he talks to other people? and what he says to them? If yes, you may have a control issue that needs to be addressed, if not, then understand that it's no different.

I agree that you should not butt heads with her out of spite. But if it is a real issue – be firm, but if it doesn't hurt to adjust, then roll with the changes.

I like that saying – fight to spite – cuz I think I do that with my dad all the time…thanks for that!

Anyway, I think that also, if she is interrupting his work time, that's HIS problem, and tho you may honor his time as precious to waste, he may not see it that way. So, IF you feel the need to talk to him – call – after all, she does. But again, don't do it out of spite. If it can wait, then wait. But just cuz you do, doesn't mean SHE HAS TO. That's a boundary only HE can set with her.

I would love to hear other examples, cuz it sounds like there is alot of huge resentments there and that this is only tip of the iceberg….and maybe it's not, maybe it's as simple as what you have said.

4:23 pm
December 27, 2006


taj64

New Member

posts -1

I am hearing you projecting your step daughter as evil. The examples you gave really do not appear to me to be from an evil person but rather someone who is not thinking about others when it comes to time, etc. and you don't agree. You mentioned that he does not tell you when she calls. Does he not tell you out of fear of the reaction he will get and then there is the other thought is why would it bother you so much that she calls him because it is daughter. I believe the door should always be open at any age. You never stop being a parent. I sense hostility towards the daughter because she is "like" her mother. Perhaps do you really have issues with the ex than with the daughter? I am sensing that you are angry with your husband because he is not agreeing with you and you are offended. I think he should deal with his daughter in his way and you deal with your kids your way and somehow the two of you get together and talk about your feelings, have some kind of understanding between each other and like Lorlei says to choose your battle. It is likely to cause some serious rifts if you don't allow to let some things be as is. What is his take on this story? What does he do besides not tell you when he talks to her because to me I cannot understand why it would be necessary to report phone calls from a daughter. An outside person out of the family, maybe but not really a daughter that has a close relationship with his father. I'd really examine this a little more because I like what Loralei said about the lines being drawn between jealousy and being a doormat. What end are you? Give it some thought. Good luck.

5:34 pm
December 27, 2006


bonni

New Member

posts -1

i call my parents almost everyday, sometimes more than once or twice. the conversations are not always long, but sometimes they are. my parents are my best friends. we do go for days without talking sometimes. just depends on what's going on.

bonni

6:16 pm
December 27, 2006


babalouis

New Member

posts -1

Thanks again for all of your takes. I will try to ignore the behaviors as I have in the past. Sometimes I guess the daughter gets under my skin and as suggested, I should just roll with it! The phone conversations I do respect as each's personal priveledge. It really isn't about the calls, however, that has been a source of irritation as a result of other behaviors and gossip stuff that has sabataged our relationship. I wonder if it is an adult child who still wants to be daddy's little girl and may be jealous of me.. There were accusations from the ex-wife of emotional incest with his girls and though I don't actually believe that was true, it does waffle in the background from time to time.

So this is nest of convuluded themes! Maybe it is simply what happens in second marriage mixed families. I so want for harmony and acceptance all around. Believe me, that is my intent. I love people, and especially our own. As much as I try, it nevers is enough for this one daughter.

Anyway, thanks for giving me a place to vent. I can see as a first time user, that you are all well intending and encouraging. It is up to me to learn how to identify & express myself so that I can focus on making the improvements. I rather blurted out some minor bothersome stuff which may have been misconstrued.

7:55 pm
December 27, 2006


Loralei

New Member

posts -1

"I wonder if it is an adult child who still wants to be daddy's little girl and may be jealous of me.."

This could very well be the case. She may be used to being the apple of daddy's eye which could have even caused discord in his first marriage.

Many years ago I had a "telephone" affair with a man I had dated in my youth. He was unhappily married to a woman he had gotten pregnant but he stayed in his marriage because he didn't want to lose his daughter. At one point, he even said he was in love with his daughter. Granted, she was only a toddler and most parents adore their children, but this is a man who has basically never been "in love" with anyone in his life. It did sound like emotional incest and very unhealthy to put his little girl on a pedestal like that. His choice of words really bothered me. I know there was absolutely nothing sexual about it. But it was more like worship of sorts.

Your husband and his daughter may have a codependency going and neither is able to let go and respect the new roles her adulthood requires.

Since none of us are capable of changing anyone else, the only thing I can suggest is that you try to gradually wean him away from seeing his daughter so often. Go on trips, just the two of you. Get involved in things with him where you can't include the whole family.

Over time, things may smooth out, but it won't happen overnight. Old habits are hard to break. Good luck!

12:03 pm
December 28, 2006


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Here is a little bit different viewpoint.

You can pull up old threads and read all over the boards here how so many people would give anything and wish that they had a Father that took the time to listen to them and give them support and respect.

I do not in any way shape or form condone the daughter interfering with your marriage – that should not be allowed to happen.

BUT, if the father/daughter relationship is that strong that she can call Dad daily and visit for a few moments – let it be.

For the rest of the other stuff – well? Perhaps don't always bend to fit to her will. If something is supposed to happen at a certain time, and she cannot make it – to throw a monkey wrench in there… then, don't change it – keep the original plans. There is no harm in that. Perhaps if that happens she might make more of an effort to try to be where she is supposed to be when she is supposed to be there. Now – speaking as a person who is late to everything, including my own birth (by six weeks) and my own wedding (by one hour) – I do not ever expect anyone to change their plans to suit my needs. I am late. Always. I know this – everyone that knows me knows this – and they go on and when I get there, I get there. She will either adjust, or… start being on time.

Z.

12:41 pm
December 28, 2006


southgoingzax

Member

posts 79

Ultimately, I would have to agree with most of the posts here, that you should choose your battles with the step-daughter and your husband. Let him deal with the impingements on his time, and address the daughter's behavior only when it impacts you directly. But, something you said about emotional incest accusations bothers me:

did the ex-wife accuse your husband of emotional incest? What do you know of this ex-wife? Has your husband always spoken badly of her, or was the divorce ugly? Do you have any contact with her? I would consider asking her about her accusations IF there are other things going on that seem inappropriate to you between your husband and his daughter. I think most mothers would not make such an accusation concerning her daughter and husband unless she really is an awful, jealous person, or unless it's true. Your husband may not be the most unbiased person to pass judgement on his ex-wife's behavior…she MAY have had valid reasons for her accusations. I would strongly consider if there is any way for you to quietly make some inquires concerning that accusation – you said you didn't believe it, but why? Because your husband said it wasn't true? Just something to consider.

zax

3:21 pm
December 28, 2006


babalouis

New Member

posts -1

Thanks for your response zax. The divorce was pretty ugly. The ex-wife did a real smear job but in the end, my husband was granted custody of his youngest,who was 15 or 16 at the time. Because of that, and because I believe him, the accusations sounded like that of a hurting, angry, and resentful person. I knew her only very casually and always thought she was pleasant. Living with her was different and those who really knew her didn't have a good thing to say about her. So as you suggest, the ugliness and evil side of her, and probably some jealousy toward her daughter prevailed during their stormy divorce. The daughter I am troubled with, would not have a relationship with her mother for several years. When she had her first baby, she decided to make amends with her mother so her child would know her grandmother. All along I encouraged her to try and accept/tolerate her mother and work on a relationship so that she wouldn't have regrets later.

Now, I draw parellels with the ex-wife and myself in relation to the daughter and how protective my husband is of her. I postponed the marriage option until his youngest was well on her own and married before we got married. I didn't see me being the "mother" of a teenager who basically ran the house and domineered her father. I thought once she was on her own and had her own house and husband to run, that we could have our life together. My poor husband has his mother telling him what to do, his daughter, and me! I thisnk I should be the only one "telling" him what to do! Believe me, I am not a "nag" and I have lived independently of him and on my own and managed just fine. We do get along very well and have no conflict except when it comes to his daughter. She just needs to be the boss! She has even pouted that we took a vacation to Hawaii and thought it would have been nice if they would have been included. That totally guilt-tripped my husband! I can't imagine a vacation with her frankly. She has too many conditions which she demands to be met.

Whoever reads this will assuredly tag me with resentment and I deserve it! I am angry and resentful. At one time I said to my husband, "Isn't your daughter happy for us? Isn't she happy that you have a loving wife and I have a wonderful loving husband and we have a chance to spend our remaining years together as a couple with peace, tranquility, and without conflict?" That would be good enough for me! I know a ton of people who feel that way about us. My in-laws adore me. My ex-father in law adores me and my new man. My daughters love my husband and are very happy for us. We are two peas from the same pod as people refer to us. So am I jealous of the daughter or is she jealous of me. I think I am seeing this more clearly as I continue to vent!

4:00 pm
December 28, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

Zinnie!

You are the other pea in my pod! I know exactly what you mean about, "I get there when I get there. Don't change your plans for me!" In other words, I feel your pain, lol!

Yes, babalou, I agree with Zinnie. Also, I don't think your husband has to tell you about his daughter calling him. I don't believe it should be your business whether he or she speak to each other or not. It should definitely not be taken as a violation of your trust?

What is it about your step-daughter that punches in the wrong buttons with you? She may be self-centered and immature but she does not live with you or near you does she? Maybe, you can mentally step back and take a breather?

I don't know but I think maybe you should just chill out a little. Don't mean to offend you. It's just food for thought.

~~Bonita

4:23 pm
December 28, 2006


southgoingzax

Member

posts 79

babalouis,

my mother lives with a woman who was/is very controlling/jealous of my mother's time and affection. For several years I was not "allowed" in my mother's home unless this other woman was not home, and even now this woman makes my mother leave family gatherings early, and she wants my mother to move out of the country with her ( in large part, I feel, so that my mother wont be so close to her children anymore).

I am 31, and not married, and I am very close to my mother. I usually call her 3-5 times a week, or almost every day. She also frequently helps me out financially (I am in graduate school), and I think this woman is jealous of her aid and our relationship. So I see both sides of the coin. But it does sound like your step-daughter is spoiled and has had no suitable boundaries provided to limit her behavior. Unfortunately, you can't force your husband to set those boundaries.

I think the more you vent about it and get your thoughts out of your head, the clearer the issue will become. Keep posting and keep thinking about why you feel bothered about the daily calls, the "lies of omission", and other issues with your step-daughter's behavior. Would you be able to talk your husband into couples therapy to help you resolve some of these issues? Because clearly, he is too attached to his daughter if she was able to guilt him about taking a well-deserved vacation (WITHOUT her). Keep posting,

zax

5:24 pm
December 28, 2006


babalouis

New Member

posts -1

It does help to vent! As my first experience in any kind of forum, I have learned a lot by others. It is hard to put into words the real issues and feelings. Some fault I will own, and I will work on being a better person by listening to the comments that apply. Other comments are a result of my mistating the real issues and I certainly can't expect anyone to be able to relate to what they don't know. Next time I hope I can better convey my complaints. Best to all who have responded. I appreciate having found a place to go and get some things off my chest! Happy New Year!

7:45 pm
December 28, 2006


shyshy

New Member

posts -1

Babalouis: I haven't read all of the responses but I wanted to add in my two cents.

I heard it said once that kids are like arrows. You shoot them in the direction you want them to go and once they get there you leave them be. They are on their own and your only responsibility is to offer guidance and support. That is all.

This girl is grown in age but she sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. If was a spoiled brat when she was a kid then chances are that's never going to change unless your husband sets some boundries. She needs to let her father live his life. It's not fair to the both of you.

Maybe she's not getting enough attention from her husband? I would sit your husband down and explain to him what you are feeling and then just sit back and see what he does with the information. Don't complain, don't nag and don't offer any feedback whatsoever about his daughter. After all, the more you complain about her, or point out what she's doing wrong, the more he's going to resent you. Remember, this is his baby your talking about.

If she gets upset because you don't include her in your plans, too bad. That's her problem and she's the one that needs to get over it. Ever wonder if her husband gets upset with HER for always running to daddy?


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