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Failure to Launch: ambivalent about my 29 year old still living at home

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4:14 am
June 20, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

Thank you, smarterone.

I saw an ad for a rental of a guest house that is just a couple of blocks from my home. The rent is reasonable and has one bedroom, one bath, kitchen, living room for a very reasonable rate, $900/month. This is a deal in this neighborhood, let me tell you. Most rents around here go for around $1300 and up…

I am going to do all in my power to get my daughter moved out of here by next month. Lord willing.

11:51 am
June 20, 2006


smarterone

New Member

posts -1

That would be great to have the move. Who is going to continue to pay the rent. I know that feeling well. I have taken over everything and i live on disabililty. Right now son has been out of house two weeks, living on streets. I have stopped all communication to him. It doesnt feel good, but i am trying.

8:36 pm
June 20, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

aw, hon…. ((((((smarterone)))))

I am so sorry about your son. I know that he is an adult and makes his own choices but as a mom it still hurts. My goodness, when you change that kids diapers and nurse him to sleep, you don't want to think that someday he is gonna end up living on the streets.

Lord willing, this will be the bottom for him and he will be able to start crawling out of his addiction.

On another note, if you don't mind my asking, is it your husband who is now incarcerated or is it your 35 year old son?

You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

~~bonita

7:03 pm
June 21, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

just bumping up the thread

9:43 am
June 22, 2006


smarterone

New Member

posts -1

My husband, but i am divorcing him as soon as i get my funds together. I waited 5 years, really didnt want to, part of the fear. The marriage was 10 years of fear, sometimes fun aslong as i didnt have any of my kids, his kids, he wanted me to himself. I finally got up the nerve one day not to visit. I was starting to talk to a friend (male) who i have strangely been attracted to. I developed a relationship with him, not till after i told my husband the truth on the phone. Would never tell himin person, they would have to shoot him to get him off of me.
I am now with Mikey one year, he is totally different than me. SOmetimes i freak from it and then realize i am lucky. He is a hard worker. When my son was here, he got him a job, treated him like a big brother. He is too mellow to yell, nothing, nothing excites him, (opposite from ex) My son loved him and thats why his is not contacting us, he knows we are hurt. He has tried to call, not as much as other times, but i cannot do this again. This time, i am not giving in after 5 months. Obviously that wasnt the bottom.

2:34 am
June 23, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

smarterone,

I am trying to understand…"My son loved him and thats why his is not contacting us"

Does that mean that your 35 year old son loved your incarcerated husband (my 2nd husband is incarcerated,too)and that is why he will no longer have contact with you and Mikey?

"he knows we are hurt. He has tried to call, not as much as other times, but i cannot do this again. This time, i am not giving in after 5 months. Obviously that wasnt the bottom."

Does this mean your incarcerated husband knows you are hurt and that he tries to call and that you have had no contact with him for 5 months?

I apologize for my questions if they are difficult for you to answer. You certainly deserve some peace and happiness. Mikey sounds wonderful. I am envious.

~~bonita

11:17 am
June 23, 2006


smarterone

New Member

posts -1

My 35 year old son does not tallk to me for 6 years now the reasons he has not told me,no speaking but i assume it is cause i went back to my husband in 2000. (the incarcerated one)
My 30 year old son, on drugs, on the street, really loves mikey, cause he treated him the way he wishes his father would have. He was concerned, got him a good job and now look what happend. So he is ashamed of how he turned on us. Besides, he knows, ihope that this is one too many times.
Last October, i was going thru the same thing with my son Chris, he had me like a prisoner (in my mind) he didnt know the time of day never mind care how i felt. I, with Mikey, left my home with a few things, moved into a friend of mikeys and babysat for rent. After 5 months, got this apt. and we knew that my son,Chris, was doing better, so we thought. Mikey went and got him and we started over. Its been a great couple of months, until recently and the cycle begins.
Yes mikey is a blessing, i have said so many bad things about him but we all have faults and look what luggage he has taken. I am grateful for his love.
I hope you find love, its not easy.

6:54 pm
June 23, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

I was just driving down my street, on my way home and I noticed that the For Rent sign for the Guest House was no longer there.

I thought to myself, "Oh sh*t! I hope it's my daughter who rented the place. She was supposed to have gone to see the house yesterday or today.

Well, I get home and the house is a huge mess, my 25 year old son is sitting on the rocking chair reading a book, my 29 year old daughter is glued to her computer, wrapped in a towel (obviously just showered). I ask her, "Did you get the guest house? Is that why they put the sign away?" She just looked at me and blinked her eyes several times. Then she said, "No, I didn't know I was supposed to….."

DUH!!!!!!!! What the hell?????? I work everyday, all day… she has a part time job as a massage therapist. She pretty much sets her own hours. So what the hell????

I am soooooooo mad I could spit….. Do I have to do everything for them? I am so sick of it I feel like getting their stuff together and tossing them out tonight…..

There are three adults in this house…myself and my two adult children…. this house should be spotless because they should keep it neat and supervise the little ones and get them to pick up their messes.

I am so fed up!!!!!! I want to scream and cry and rant and rave!!!!!! I want them out!! (Except for my grandson, who can stay here) I want my 29 year old and my 25 year old to go, leave, YESTERDAY!!!!!!

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHGGHGHGHGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!11 (primal scream!)

7:12 pm
June 23, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

I just wrote this email to both of them because I want them to see it in writing. I am sick to death of telling them and telling them and we still have the same behaviors. No more!! I am FED UP!!

********************************************
I am so angry right now I could spit. Through your inaction, (older daughter), you are no longer able to rent the guest house because more than likely it was rented already.

I am sick to death of living in filth and a large percentage of that filth is due to both of you and your lack of supervision for the little ones.

If you are living here, then if its dirty, wash it…if its on the floor, pick it up, if its hungry, feed it, if its turned on, switch it off, if its running out, then go buy some more, if the floor is sticky, mop it, if its dusty, polish, if its broken, fix it, if you no longer want it, pack it up and find the time to give it away….

If you do not want to abide by these requests (they are NOT SUGGESTIONS) then you need to vacate the premises in 30 days.

You both need to put effort into cleaning the house, one good cleaning once a week and keeping it tidy during the week…. when I come home I should not have to see trash, toys, anything strewn about and the kids hungry. You are both home for most of the time during the day and I am the one who is working all day and supporting this household BY MYSELF…..Its not fair that I should be the one who comes home, washes the dishes, cleans the kitchen and then has to cook dinner for the kids to eat at 8p.m. This has got to stop.

IT WILL STOP NOW!!

I had better see some immediate action in cleaning this house TODAY ASAP and I expect you to respond to this email and let me know if you are going to be cleaning every day AND moving out in 30 days….or if you are going to be cleaning everyday AND NOT MOVING IN 30 days. I want to know what you 2 are going to do.

NOTICE that cleaning every day is not an option… whether you stay or go… you will clean as long as you and your stuff is living here.

~~Mom

7:23 pm
June 23, 2006


smarterone

New Member

posts -1

looks good, sounds good, i hope it works. I just got a letter in the mail, an advertisement from a lawyer to my son. They ususally send these when you are arrested. It says for failure to appear for a court case. I checked the dates after we bailed him out for a traffic infraction and there was no court date and they were supposed to get in touch with me. So if he got arrested, i feel bad. He just , i dont know, i know he isnt right, but he has no luck, anyway, i hope it works out for you.

11:30 pm
June 23, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

yes, I hope it works too because then I will have to follow thru and evict them in thirty days.

My therapist suggested that I draw up a contract and specifically write down what my expectations are from them and then have them sign it…. I guess I am gonna be writing this weekend.

It seems as if your son, smarter, was better when not living with you. Perhaps it was a mistake to go get him back when you got your new apt. Is he still living with you or is he out?

Your older son doesn't talk to you because you went back to your incarcerated husband. But now you are planning to divorce him, right?

Maybe you can open a dialogue with him and just tell him you miss him and you love him?

~~bonita

11:39 pm
June 23, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

I mean open up a dialogue with your son, not with your sonn to be ex husband!!

That was easy to misunderstand, right??!! LOL

~~bonita

6:15 pm
June 24, 2006


smarterone

New Member

posts -1

My younger son is still out of the house. I dont know where and i dont want to know cause i give in easily. Cant help it.
My older son, i have tried to contact over the 6 years. He changed his email. I found his new address on the computer and wrote him letters. Nothing.
I feel that if it was my husband, well he has been gone since 2000. What is your excuse for not contacting me. I actually feel, and this is sad, that he is afraid i might need something. I never thought i could live without my flesh and blood. Its amazing how life is.

8:39 pm
June 24, 2006


jeninnewmexico

New Member

posts -1

Oh smarterone that last sentence you wrote "I never thought I could live without my flesh and blood" just about broke my heart.You sound so much like me. AHH all us mothers with broken hearts.

12:28 am
June 25, 2006


smarterone

New Member

posts -1

jeninne
Motherhood is tough, i really gave all of me. I know i tried my best and cannot believe my kids. Funny, i used to get so mad at some girlfriends, whose kids were running around on the streets, no jackets in winter, runny noses, now when i visit home and i see those people, not much either, they have married children, businesses, treat her like gold, cant figure it out you know.

9:48 pm
June 27, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1

smarter,

It's weird that you were so careful in taking care of your kids and now that they are adults where's the love for their mother?

Reminds me of the quote from Abraham Lincoln:

"You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves."

Guess it doesn't work for children either. We do too much for our kids. Its the codependent in us.

jen (in new mexico),

I'm sorry your children have broken your heart. (((((((jen)))))

~~bonita

11:36 pm
June 29, 2006


bonita1

New Member

posts -1


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