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Do abusers feel love at all?

UserPost

4:53 pm
November 30, 2005


exoticflower

New Member

posts -1

What a question. Wow, there's a lot to think about there.

5:31 pm
November 30, 2005


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Who cares. why do you want to get the love and attention from an abuser? For now, you know he's an abuser. ABUSERS DON'T FEEL LOVE!!!

Wish him and his landlady well, grant them many blessing with all the muck and mire that they like so much.

And you, get out from the muck and mire. Let the landlady swim in that with him.

You are better than that, aren't you????

5:53 pm
November 30, 2005


Randomwomen2

New Member

posts -1

I believe they feel love but it is a very disorted version of love. In my case I know my parents loved me even though they abused me. They just have a very disorded vision of love.

12:26 pm
December 1, 2005


Liamo

New Member

posts -1

Hi SDEsigns and all you guys who replied.I cannot get my head around all of this. I guess he must have been "reeling" the landlady in while I was with him, I did notice her mothering him while I was there but I never saw her as a threat. I cannot hate her as she is just his next victim. My self esteem is so low right now that I sometimes think it was all my fault that I didn't mother him enough like she did, well he told me it was all my fault right?? Im just feeling so hurt and lonely but I am also angry at myself for being such a fool, I actually did love him, but I guess it was the charming side that I fell for. Jesus how can you rent a room in someone else's home and then end up in their bed?? life does not work like that, I have my own home, I have raised my children, I work and take responsibility for my life. How do these guys get away with it. I listened in to voice mail one night, and I actually gaged at the messages from him to her, telling her he was madly in love with her, and calling her baby, and honey and and all sort sorts of lovey dovey stuff, I just screamed Jesus this is his LANDLADY he is talking to. My GOD !! He left his own family in a dump, never supported his wife. I feel like I can't let this go until the landlady sees through him. I hope it doesn't take too long. This is like a nightmare.

12:52 pm
December 1, 2005


Lass

New Member

posts -1

Honey, let it go BEFORE the landlady sees through him. It may take awhile. He is still weaving the web for her. AW really said it all. And DO pull up that charmer / abuser post. Understanding what happened helps. One obvious benefit is that by seducing the landlady he probably doesn't have to pay rent. These guys seem to be geared to what is in their best interest at all times, regardless. Just get free, don't stick around to see how it turns out. It turns out badly. Been there, seen the movie AND read the book AND bought the t-shirt.

LL

1:47 pm
December 1, 2005


shyshy

New Member

posts -1

The landlady needs to see it for herself. After all, I'm sure she knew he was seeing you so why did she even go there? And I'm sure he's probably not the only man she has been with that she has rented a room to!!

Pick up the pieces, wipe the dust off your shoes and move on gracefuly!

12:51 pm
December 4, 2005


Liamo

New Member

posts -1

Hi shyshy,
I know I need to let this go, but I was reeling from the shock and pain from this and trying to get my head around it this guy convinced me that he loved me, and I really loved him. I feel so betrayed by both of them, she knew he was with me, and yes why did she go there?? thats interesting that he wasn't the first guy she has been with that she rented to.Jesus how do we get into this. I was left with so many questions?? was he with her before we split up? was it going on under my nose?? I will never know. One question I cannot seem to get my head around is of all the places he could have rented in the town HOW the hell did he find her??? This does not happen in "real life" My self esteem is in the toilet.

1:42 pm
December 4, 2005


Liamo

New Member

posts -1

Hi Lass.
Why Am I still obsessing on this asshole?? I gave him everything I was there for him. Are these guys addicts or just charmers. My bones were breaking with the pain. Its like I can only let this go completely when I know they have split up, and she has copped him and then I don't care who he is with. I saw serious flaws in this guy, but this woman is putting complete normality on him. Somedays when I am feeling really low, I think maybe it was something I did wrong. She thinks he is wonderful. JESUS!!! I listened into voicemail and he is telling her he is madly in love with her and calling her Baby and Honey and all sorts of seductive names, he was never that "full-on" with me. I just don't get it.

2:08 pm
December 4, 2005


elizabeth anne

New Member

posts -1

I also think abusers love in a twisted sick way that most likely stems from their upbringing. They are most likely very insecure and are only looking after one thing. Themselves.

It is very difficult to go through a betrayal, please do not think this is your fault, abusers have a way of always blaming the other person, so they do not have to take responsibility for themselves.

2:21 pm
December 4, 2005


Lt4Others

New Member

posts -1

elizabeth anne,

I agree with you. The abuser in my life is insecure, just as you say. She's very much in love….with herself. She "loves" others only as long as the act benefits her directly. When it does not, her behavior becomes agressive and the abuse begins anew. As you say, it's always somebody else's fault, never hers. She has yet to recognize her own betrayals of others, even though everyone else recognizes them as such.

Lt4Others

2:27 pm
December 4, 2005


22haha

New Member

posts -1

Liamo – He manipulates her into believing he is a great guy. Youu once had a soft spot for him just like she now does. How long did it take you to realize what an ass he really is? Thats about how long you can expect his relationship with the landlady to last. I am dealing with this now myself. They manipulate people, and people believe them. How sad for the next victim. Just be glad you realize everythin and move on. I know you love (loved) him but stop with the who's, where's and why's and just realize he isn't mentally healthy and move on. Don't let this abuser waste any more of your precious time, energy, love, soul etc. You are the good one and he will never change. Move on and tell the new landlady she can have him and GOOD LUCK!!! She is gonna need it. All my thoughts are with you. Stay strong. I'm in the same exact spot. I'll be here to listen.

2:59 pm
December 4, 2005


Lass

New Member

posts -1

I learned an awful lot from reading the narcissist threads and websites of Sam Vatkin about how these guys think. It is almost too much for us to wrap our minds around that someone could be so intentionally twisted. They both are and aren't. They "read" us really well. It is some special self-protection coping mechanism they have developed that they are almost unaware that they possess. They just use this ability to their own ends. They are run by their own machinations themselves, too. They fear they might disintegrate without the reflected self esteem coming from others, yet they can't tolerate the idea that they aren't special, different, better than. They can't bear the idea that they NEED anybody.

LL

10:45 am
December 5, 2005


Liamo

New Member

posts -1

Hi22haha
Thank you so much for your support. I really felt better when I realised that this guy is a PSYCHO, I was toying with the idea that it was me how sad it that?? I have the read the thread on Charmer/Abusers Jesus mind blowing stuff. All I wanted was a normal relationship with a man, I don't remember asking the universe for a complete WHACKO who would take my self esteem rip it in pieces and flush it down the toilet.How about starting a CoDa site here? I will keep in touch with you did you say you are going through the same thing??

2:26 pm
December 5, 2005


Regret

New Member

posts -1

Liamo,

I feel compelled to share my story with you. First, I am sorry you are going through this. But, you are lucky to have gotten away from this toxic waste.

On 20th Nov., my perfect world came to a standstill. My bf who had professed undying love for me told me that our relationship was too perfect and he could no longer handle it. I thought it was a joke. I could not believe it. But it was true. And to top it off, he had begun seeing someone. God, the pain threatened to rip me apart. i did all that we are told not to do on this board. I cried, I begged, I threatened, I cajoled-all to no avail. Infact, I met the girl to have a girl talk. My relationship was over. I cried like I never cried before and like you, I had a thousand questions -the first one was can't she realise that if he did it to me, he would do it to her? He sent me a txt message that read "Nothing compares to you" and I am still wondering just what that means.

Anyway, I played the game. Tried No Contact on and off but on friday, he gave me reason to shake the scales off my eyes. We had a chat and he told me that he does not believe in putting his feelings aside for others – does it click? These people care for no other human being other than themselves. He does not feel guilty because he has done nothing wrong- I guess cheating just became the right thing that committed partners do.

My life practically revolved around my bf. I stopped seeing some friends to make him feel more secure. I spent my money on "us" because I am busy and do not get to spend all the lovey dovey times with him, I used to think getaways were great. He was broke half the time and I gladly paid all the bills. I lent him money without ever asking when it would be repaid. I took care of him when he was sick. Geez! I guess it did really get perfect.

And whilst I was watching his back, he was reaching for the sharpest dagger. YOU HAVE YOUR FAULTS BUT YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! These men are users. He knew that sooner or later, you would tire of his game and had to find the next prey. Please thank God that you are out of the loop. It sucks and I know writing this doesn't make you feel any better. But, time will help you move on.

Goodluck and hope you feel much better soon. And hei, leave the landlady in this. Believe me, cheaters deserve each other- not us!


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