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dealing with past abuse

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7:08 pm
January 20, 2005


New Member

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hey all. so i'm also in the process of trying to heal from child abuse. i was severely abused as a kid, mainly by my mom, and recently have begun the process of trying to work things out with both of my parents. i brought up a lot of the things to my mom who said that i was making it all up, that it is a result of the medication that i'm on that i believe these things, and that she can't make amends for things that never happened. when she first said this i said that i understood if she needed to be in denial in order to live with herself, but that it wasn't healthy for me to be in contact with her until we could resolve and put an end to those behaviors. that was over a year ago, and recently when my dad was in the hospital, she and i spoke again about it all. she said the same thing, that maybe i should honestly reflect on the situation and be open to acknowledging that those events never transpired. the thing is though, that i have detailed journal entries from when the events occured, accounts that line up exactly with my memory, i have scars from those events, and i've never forgotten where they came from and i am still in touch with people that helped me through those times, and they recall the events exactly as i do. i told her that perhaps she should be open to doing the same and honestly questioning whether just maybe she is closed off to those memories, and i haven't heard back from her since then. What should i do? i don't know that much about healing from past trauma, though i feel like i've done a lot of work on myself in that way. any thoughts?

7:50 pm
January 20, 2005


New Member

posts -1

you poor thing,you've made the biggest step,THE FIRST. if your trying to help your self to move foward in your life,KEEP GOING. if you hinder your recovery waiting for mom, you wont go any where. there are group's to help, so many wonderful book's. if all these thing's happened when you were a child, try starting with helping your INNER CHILD. there was a thread i had read, something about the inner child, if this person is reading this, please tell her the name of the book you sugested.stay here, so many like us, KEEP THE FAITH,SUSAN

4:37 am
January 22, 2005


New Member

posts -1

thanks for your kind words. the thing is is that i feel like i don't know where to go next. i mean, i'm trying to start working the coda thing, but i don't know what forgiveness really means i guess. i mean in a lot of ways i have compassion for what my mom was going through at that time. she and my dad were on the verge of divorce after years and years, her mom had just died, and she was i think just starting to deal with the fact that she had been abused, both by her dad, and by her first husband. my dad had just retired and we had just moved so not only was their financial situation dire, but she suddenly was the primary supporter for the 3 of us, and she had just taken a major pay cut. then on top of it i was falling away from the religion that they had raised me with and doing a lot of things that they disagreed with, not hurtful things, but things that they could not understand and thought were wrong. i just think that a major part of where i keep getting tripped up in trying to have a healthy ove relationship is when i start feeling insecure and start to let myself think of things such as the phrase "someone only a mother could love" and i think, geez, what does that mean for me, whose mom told me she hated me for so long, who told me that i was the worst piece of shit to ever walk the face of the earth, who at one point climbed on top of me and screamed that she was going to kill me while wrapping her hands around my throat and trying to strangle me. i've talked about these things so many times now that they no longer make me cry, which feels really good. and i've been able to express my anger and frustration with my dad that after he would promise me every time that it happened that he would never let it happen again and then it would and he would just sit and watch tv. he's also been there for me a lot, something that i haven't been willing to let myself acknowledge until very recently. and i've told my mom a great many of my feelings, and asked for her cooperation in working through it, and all she could do was to deny it, but she did tell me that she loved me, and that's a major step for her. she never says that. and i don't know whether it is coming from her heart or if she feels like she needs to say it so that she can do what she thinks is right in the eyes of the church. i think that you're right, that i can't just wait around for her, but i just want things to be right so bad, and it's so hard to let go of just wanting my mom. perhaps that's why i get so tripped up in these relationships, i'm perpetually looking for a mama, and a new family to love me…

11:10 pm
January 23, 2005


New Member

posts -1

i can't even begin to count the kid's who have come thru my house over the year's that call me mom. all sound alot like your story. for what ever reason your mom had for doing what she did, you cannot force her to admitt something she has eraced from her memory. work on the her and now as far as mom goes. for your self, you were a helpless child.nothing you could do. keep this in mind, she has to live with her self,she will have to be judged by god on judgement day. work on you,you know what you know,find a therapist to help you. just don't give up. KEEP THE FAITH,SUSAN

11:50 pm
January 23, 2005


New Member

posts -1


I am sorry for your pain and the struggle in which you are going through. It is hard at first to realize that someone has betrayed our trust (we as children are trusting for our parents to nurture us, not to inflict harm upon us). It is fristrating to say the least, that a person does not 'owe up' to the pain they caused us. Whether this is denial, or just plain refusing to admit the wrong and harm from your mother, it is her problem. You are not going to be able to get her to admit this readily, and perhaps never.

What is important is YOU. You are worthwhile and did not desrve this to happen to you. I am glad you are here to help you find some answers on your journey to knowledge and freedom of this hurt and painful memories.

I speak from experience as an adult who was abused as a child. It takes much earnest work and perserverance, but it will come along.

I have bumped up some older threads for you on the inner child. The threads have many references to look at. If you cannot get the posts beyond today, go to the top of the page and extend the viewing time of the posts to one month.

Hope this helps and keep posting here, it is a great site! I also hope that you get into some very good counseling. Coda groups are great, but the counseling work is great for professional guidance. This site is good, but remember, we are people just like you, looking for answers. We can offer support and that is really important too.

Take care and keep posting here!


11:59 pm
January 23, 2005


New Member

posts -1

I'll be your mama! =) That may sound silly but I do want to be a foster parent.

You are doing so well orangeboy. Really you are. Forgiveness is sometimes not about the perpetrator asking for mercy… Or even admitting to the crime.

Forgiveness is when you in your heart are able to begin to let go of hatred. It is when you understand. When you love. Even if only from a distance. I can see that you are on the path of forgiveness with your past childhood abuse. (Yes, it is a path, a very long journey.)

I think it is awesome that you are able to see where your mom was coming from at that time in her life. Yet at the same time you are not letting what she did slide because of the how the situation was. That is Tough Love. That is Forgiveness.

And some of your new healthy boundaries may include you not being able to be as close to your mom as you would like to be unless this issue is faced and worked on. That hurts, I know.


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