September 27, 2010
This is my first time to this site. I have been trying to find a support group to discuss my situation. I divorced my narcissitic husband 8 years ago for various reasons. One, I was miserable, two, he was emotionally abusing me, three, I found out he was deep into debt without my knowledge. Long story short, he stalked and bullied me during the divorce process, began using our three children as weapons(and succeeded), and finally has taken total control over them. He has a very dominating and intimidating personality. We have joint custody of our children. He tried with no success, to gain total custody. From that point on he has been on a very successful campaign to turn our children against me. He wants total charge over our children, then tries to tell them that I don't partake in their lives. He refuses to answer the phone when i call, and won't answer any of my emails. Money is the big issue with them. He is so in debt that he had to move in with a older, well to do woman, in order to get by. They don't know this, but I do. He was also fired from his bank job for embezzelment. He lies to them on a regular basis to save face. He uses me as a scapegoat when things are not going well. He has them call me and demand money and will have them constantly say "my dad pays for everything". I can hear him in the background coaching them. I pay their health insurance, car payments, car insurance, and misc. expenses. I do my share, and more... There is so much more to say but it would take too long. I don't know how to handle this situation. I don't want to lose my kids. He is so controlling though. he will not follow any of the court orders either. His narcissistic personality makes him feel like he is above the law. So going back to court would be a waste of time and money. I feel that this is his way of staying in control of me. Any advice would be appreciated.
September 30, 2010
Happy New Year and welcome to this site!
I am sorry for the experience you've had with your Ex Narcissistic husband. It must have been very painful and traumatic!
There are SO many threads here about the NPD. If you go up to this page type in the search box "Narcissistic" you will have an access to so many Excellent threads and reads about this disorder.
There is also a website for Dr. Sam Vakim with support group if you need to.
Right now there is thread entitled "Curing Narcissism."
I hope I was helpful in some way!
September 27, 2010
Thanks for the reply. And, Happy New Year to you too!!
I posted my topic way before I read any of the threads. If I had taken the time to read on, I would have probably withheld my situation. I hate to burden people with my sob story. I have since read some very helpful and useful information. I am so glad I found this site. It's so nice to be able to share in other people's stories and remedies. It makes me feel like I am not alone in this "narcissistic ex- spousal world". Thanks again for your reply.
September 29, 2010
Your situation is not a 'sob story', so please don't apologize...it's very real, and painful to be with a N, or exNH. I have posted on 'curing narcissism' & other N & abuse threads as well.
One thing that my NH did within our
'blended family'is to 'divide' us. Him & his son, against me and my two. Then, once mine left (as he chased them away...his intention), he kept his son aligned with him against me. I was 'ganged up on' whenever my NH was angry or upset with me. He didn't care if he was hurting his own son, which he was, or not. He has messed his son (now 18) up emotionally bigtime. This is the 'adhoration', & then the 'devaluation' once they see you as the 'enemy'. It's truly sad what your NH is doing to your children, turning them against you, it's not right, and so hurtful for you and them. Check out all you can here for support, and read up as much as possible on N...it helps! There are others here who have more experience on N than I do...I am learning from them (garfield & others). I am wondering how old your children are.
Thinking of you, and I'm here with full empathy! Pink
September 30, 2010
The discussion of your NH turning "dividing" the blended family into opposing sides caused me to think. My STBX wife did the same thing! It was painful for everyone involved, including my two teenagers. She and her daughter would have these "secret talks" and made all these "secret plans" on how they would get even with my kids and me. She was (and is) a very nasty, vindictive, selfish person. Fortunately, I believe that what goes around comes around....sooner or later.
Wow! Until you described your situation, it never occured to me what was happening. Thanks for opening my eyes to the truth.
Happy New Year.....Lt4Others
September 27, 2010
Thank you so much Pink. I had the day off today so I have spent most of my day reading many of the posts. I can honestly say that it has been very therapeutic for me.
My kids are 12, 16, 20. I am so afraid they are going to enter their adult years with some major issues. The ones I already see are partly because of their age, but partly because of our situation. I will never give up. I always try to show them the unconditional love I have for them but my ex is on a mission of sabatoge. The biggest problem I am having right now is trying to defend myself. He has told them so many lies. It's always something to cover up his irresponsibilites(unpaid bills, foreclosure, etc) His never ending excuse is that it's all because of me or someone else. They have developed such an extreme loyalty to him that they believe everything he says. Even when it's down on paper, the real truth in front of their face, they still believe him. There seems to be nothing I can say or do to make them see the truth. I'll just keep defending myself the best way I can.
Anyway, I am glad to be here. Happy New year to all. -Shania
September 30, 2010
My ex has many of the narcissistic traits - but, he has a combination of that combined with wisdom.......and laziness. So - that meant he did not want to fight me on things and he also wanted a lot of freedom to feed his compulsions (buying CD's, exercising to the extreme, and doing I don't even how many the number of personals websites).
What has helped me is that at least it helps you move on - but, your situation sounds really tough since your ex wants to use the children as pawns. Have you or would they go to counseling?
Also - the ages of your kids you would be surprised to know how much attention they are really paying to the situation. I can bet you they are being typical egocentric adolescents and are more resilient than we can even guess!
Hope you find a lot of help on this site.
September 24, 2010
I think a lot depends on how old your kids are, and their sex. After about age 12, a boy wants his dad, for instance. Not worth the fight if he is near that age. An N is a hard fight, but you can beat them by being truthful and righteous. They can be played, too. Something Sam said once about them being blind to being played. You don't fight him directly, you use the outside opinions that can be used in court. Gather anyone's signed and notarized affadavit who has seen your husband in action. Anyone who has seen abuse. Crucial. Then, start recording all instances of his having them be coached with a quality recorder. This may not be admissable in court, but can definitely be used with custody evaluators. Tape all calls. You do not need to tell him (but once would be good). If he is calling you, you have every right to tape what is coming into your home.
Get a good book on how to handle a custody courtcase. Check the internet for women and custody as keywords. Follow it.
The other way to go is to show the N lots of respect. Cut deals. They love to cut deals. If he is abusive, you say no deals. No deals for a bully. There is a way to handle an N that is on Sam Vatkin's site.
You are not alone, and more than a few of us have walked through this ahead of you.
Welcome honey. ~Lass
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